Drama Llama Ding Dong

chkmeowt

I don't know if anyone recalls about the chick I posted about ----> HERE  <----

So, we sent our invites last week.  My FI and I decided to invite his friend, but not his BSC girlfriend, since she hates me. 

Last night, he gets calls and texts from his friend, asking why his BSC girlfriend was not invited, yadda yadda. My FI explained because of what she was saying about me and whatnot.  So shit hits the fan.  Because BSC girlfriend ALREADY BOUGHT A DRESS.  Why the fuck would she think she was going to be invited after saying all that shit?  And if I'm so disgusting to her, why would she even want to come? 

So then she tells her boyfriend (FI's friend) that he can no longer be friends with FI. Fine by me, but FI is devastated. So FI is asking me if there's any way we can invite her, so he doesn't lose his friendships - because now these d-bags have called one of his groomsmen and got him involved and said that the groomsman would have to choose between FI's friendship and d-bags friendship.

I seriously just want to send the nastiest message to these people. I don't care about it so much for me, since she's a terrible person who is jealous of how good our life is, but I want to tear them to hell for what they are doing to my FI.  He was practically crying, didn't sleep, etc.  So now this horrible person is invited to our wedding. I told FI, she can come, but she better not come near me, nor say anything to me. And if I hear so much as one negative thing she has said at the ceremony I will toss her out on her ass.

So, she posts this on her FB last night.

I think she missed something though...

KatWAG

debmonn said:

I don't know if anyone recalls about the chick I posted about ----> HERE  <----

So, we sent our invites last week.  My FI and I decided to invite his friend, but not his BSC girlfriend, since she hates me. 

Last night, he gets calls and texts from his friend, asking why his BSC girlfriend was not invited, yadda yadda. My FI explained because of what she was saying about me and whatnot.  So shit hits the fan.  Because BSC girlfriend ALREADY BOUGHT A DRESS.  Why the fuck would she think she was going to be invited after saying all that shit?  And if I'm so disgusting to her, why would she even want to come? 

So then she tells her boyfriend (FI's friend) that he can no longer be friends with FI. Fine by me, but FI is devastated. So FI is asking me if there's any way we can invite her, so he doesn't lose his friendships - because now these d-bags have called one of his groomsmen and got him involved and said that the groomsman would have to choose between FI's friendship and d-bags friendship.

I seriously just want to send the nastiest message to these people. I don't care about it so much for me, since she's a terrible person who is jealous of how good our life is, but I want to tear them to hell for what they are doing to my FI.  He was practically crying, didn't sleep, etc.  So now this horrible person is invited to our wedding. I told FI, she can come, but she better not come near me, nor say anything to me. And if I hear so much as one negative thing she has said at the ceremony I will toss her out on her ass.

So, she posts this on her FB last night.

I think she missed something though...

She probably assumed that since you are inviting her So, she would also be invited. Ya know, since they are a social unit.

KatWAG

I just looked at your previous thread, she seems like an asshole but that isnt reason enough to not inivte her. You should have been  the bigger person and invited her. It clearly means a lot to Fi's friend and it doesnt sound like fi is ready or willing to give up this friendship. You probably would have seen her for 30 seconds total at the wedding. It seems like the drama is on your part.

larrygaga

All I can say is everyone will see right through her and know that she is crazy and being horrible to you guys for no reason. I predict she gets kicked out of your group shortly. Nobody likes being told to choose sides.

It sucks your FI lost his friend, but who wants to be friends with someone dating a crazy ass anyway? She just wants to have some lovely drama, so don't feed it.

Although you should have invited her as the girlfriend. I'm sure she would have been awful and dramatic if she was invited, but you gotta.

sarahufl

While I agree that she sounds like a twat, you possibly should have seen this coming. If she hates you SO MUCH without ever meeting you, I would imagine that being specifically not invited to something would really push her over.

I agree that I do not want people at my wedding who are crazy and/or mean, but you probably should have invited her as the GF and just not really dealt with her.

It does sound like she is an immature, crazy 12 year old. But maybe stop feeding the trolls?

zitiqueen

You should have invited her. Somebody saying mean things isn't a good enough reason. Somebody threatening your life or assaulting you is a good enough reason. You're in the wrong here.

lkristenj

Why was her BF invited? Because if he and your FI truly are best friends, I would think your FI would have had a chat with his friend about how his girl was insulting you. Your FI should not stand for that. He shouldn't want to be associated with someone whose SO hates the woman he loves and wants to marry. Also, if this girl can say one thing and drive a wedge that big between them, then your FI's friend obviously cares more about his crazy girlfriend than your FI.

It was wrong to separate the SOs by inviting one without the other. You should have invited them both or none at all. Based on the girl's behavior (and that of her BF by extension since he didn't do anything to address her horrible attitude toward the fiancé of one of his best friends), I would not have invited either of them.

I know that's hard on your FI and upsetting to him, but why would he want to be friends with this guy? It sounds like he has no backbone and is completely whipped by this girl, to the detriment of his own friendships.

Is he serious with this girl? His choosing his GF over your FI, his friend, says that he is. This may be something that their friendship cannot survive. You put your spouse first and friends second. If his GF continues to insult you for no good reason, I would expect your FI to put you first and refuse to stand for it by saying something to his friend. You should come first to your FI.

vk2204

I think you created more drama by not inviting her. Yes, what she said was pretty awful, but they are a social unit and should have been invited together.

cupcait927

FI has a couple friend that he's known since he was about 13 years old. The husband is a great guy and the wife is absolutely awful. She's apparently said some nasty things about me (only heard this through the grapevine, so I take it with a grain of salt) and she will report every single detail of our wedding back to FI's ex (as they are still pretty close), and the ex will then try to give him shit for it but at the end of the day, friend's wife is still invited to our wedding. It's important to FI that the husband be there so the wife is invited as well.

I TOTALLY get why you don't want her there. Completely understand that 100%. I don't want to invite FI's friend (FI is friends with both husband and wife) either but I know that I have to. You had to have known that this woman would react this way when she found out she wasn't invited. Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and do things you don't want to do, even on your wedding day. That being said, I would hope that your FI would seriously reconsider his friendship with a guy who's gf was saying awful things about you. He needs to stand up for you (and I hope that he has, I really do). 

climbingsingle

Eeesh. What a crappy situation. I really do think she's awful and I can understand why you don't want her there. But, I do think you should have invited her. Now you've just given her more ammo, you know?

chkmeowt

I understand about inviting social units - but the minute she said she didn't know what she would do when she saw me at our wedding, that took her off the guest list.  Since she herself said she wouldn't be able to control her behavior, we took her at her word.

This isn't FI's best friend. Not even close. But this guy is apparently trying to make another of their friends choose between them, because they are all in 3rd grade. 

I get what you all are saying, but I'll stand by not inviting someone who says they can't control their behavior towards me.

theartistformerlyknownas

Yeah... you should have either invited her, or not invited either of them.

bride2b71614

Etiquette-wise you were in the wrong here: social units must be invited together, even if one party of the social unit is a twatwaffle. 

While I am not arguing the fact that she isn't a nice person, I am wondering who told you about what she said. It appears to me that this entire thing stems from someone repeating gossip to you. Even if the GF said that you disgusted her, why would anyone tell you afterwards? The person knew that this would rock the boat. 

Did the groomsmen actually issue the ultimatum of either invite the significant other, or lose our friendship? It honestly appears as though your FI's wedding party is made up of a bunch of middle schoolers. I am willing to bet that one of the groomsmen brought the GF's comment to you/your FI. And for that, I would probably ignore most of the things they say afterwards, they want a rise, you're just going to give it to them.

zitiqueen

debmonn said:

I understand about inviting social units - but the minute she said she didn't know what she would do when she saw me at our wedding, that took her off the guest list.  Since she herself said she wouldn't be able to control her behavior, we took her at her word.

This isn't FI's best friend. Not even close. But this guy is apparently trying to make another of their friends choose between them, because they are all in 3rd grade. 

I get what you all are saying, but I'll stand by not inviting someone who says they can't control their behavior towards me.

You know, I've said I wanted to kill somebody before; it doesn't mean I'd actually do it. You over-reacted to second- and third-hand gossip. Why the hell would your FI even tell you something like that to begin with? 

BlackLace2015

Wow I can see the point about etiquette but I really wouldn't want someone who hates me and doesn't support my marriage at my wedding! Then again I am super-sensitive and tend to have my feelings hurt very easily. I don't really get why this guy would date someone who is so MEAN and why she would even want to go to your wedding (except to sit in a corner and snark it). I agree it would have been better if no one ever told you about it to begin with!

Angusaur

@Debmonn, I'll go against the grain and say I agree with your reasoning. To me, that is perfectly good enough reason to not invite her. I try my best to be polite to ALL family and friends, and to follow etiquette. I think we're all entitled to choose our battles, though.

Honestly in your situation, it caused more drama than it was worth. And if she *was* going to be perfectly behaved before, she may not now after all this got stirred up. It's a tricky situation when other people are involved (FI's friend, and groomsman). I also sincerely hope the GM tell your FI's friend to fuck off. If someone gives me an ultimatum to choose, I'm going with the person who didn't ask me to choose.

If I choose a battle, its for good reason. I am not inviting my brother's wife to my wedding. This won't cause any drama because I know he expects it, and she expects it. She's never involved in any of our family functions. In your situation, I might have invited her, to not deal with the WHY ISNT SHE INVITED drama.

LondonLisa

BlackLace2015 said:

Wow I can see the point about etiquette but I really wouldn't want someone who hates me and doesn't support my marriage at my wedding! Then again I am super-sensitive and tend to have my feelings hurt very easily. I don't really get why this guy would date someone who is so MEAN and why she would even want to go to your wedding (except to sit in a corner and snark it). I agree it would have been better if no one ever told you about it to begin with!

I think the best thing would have been to not invite either of them. But that ship has sailed. 

Op, you poked a bees nest here. How did you expect her to react? You just gave her a valid reason to dislike you. But what is done is done. I would just wash my hands of this whole situation. Talk to your friend caught in the middle and say "look, we are all adults, and this situation has gotten out of control. You are free to be friends with whomever you would like. I hope we can still see you at the wedding" and then leave it. 

What does your Fi say when she says such horrible stuff about you? The thing is, this just went from one woman being nutty to a full on war with forcing sides. Just be clear you aren't going to play the sides game. 

aspoonfulofsugar

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, some people are just miserable and it makes sense that you'd want to eliminate them from such a happy day.  Unfortunately, PPs are right when they said you should have invited her to begin with.  Regardless of her issues with you before, now she has a legit reason to be annoyed (but certainly no reason to hurt you/not control her behavior- who even says crap like that anyway?)

FWIW, I cannot stand my best friend's boyfriend.  I only met him once and he was INCREDIBLY rude and immature (so much so, that FI shut down and stopped talking to him for the rest of the night).  Since then I've avoided him, but FI and I both knew he had to go on our guest list.  Sometimes it sucks doing the right thing, but you have to.

At least you know that if she even TRIES to start anything at your wedding, you can have her leave.

ohannabelle

Funny, I was just wondering whatever happened with this situation. The fact that I remember it, I think, speaks volumes of how genuinely out of line offensive this bitch is. 

Yes, the etiquette rule is clear, and there are no qualifiers or exemption clauses attached.

However, I have to be honest. I would be really really hesitant to invite someone who "hated me," because it made them "physically ill" just to look at me. I might have done the same, given that the vile bitch had publicly made it clear that she was not interested in being invited.

What should have been done is irrelevant now.  As PPs have pointed out, this has now escalated into a full blown war with opposing sides.

She fired the first shot, you responded (understandably) and the resulting backfire is creating chaos and dissension amongst the allies. She should have nicely retreated and said, oh well, given what I said, I understand; but Vile Bitches are not given to good behavior.

Fact. The most gracious side will win. Always.

I would apologize to her, explain very clearly and kindly my reasoning- "I'm truly sorry if I hurt your feelings. I really believed that you did not want to be invited because you hated me and it would make you physically ill to look at me. If this is untrue, please accept my apology. It was never my intention to hurt anyone or cause problems."

Other people might disagree, but that's what I'd do. And I would let the groomsmen know that you have apologized, and that you're sorry that they were caught in the crossfire.

Passive aggressive? Maybe so. I might even edit my note to be kinder.  It never hurts to be the bigger person. If it saves your fiancé grief, it is all worth it. 

In a social war, the winner is always the most gracious and kind side. The best battle plan is always outnice the bastards.

theartistformerlyknownas

What bothers me though is that you don't even know for a fact that she said those things. You're operating on he-said-he-said-she-said. And if she either didn't say those things, or doesn't know that you heard about it, of course she's not going to retreat. You only have a rumor that may or may not be true; she has the very real fact that you excluded half of a social unit.

ohannabelle

My mother once said, when I was fighting with my sister, "Enough. You two need to kiss and throw up."

Best Freudian slip ever.

Time to kiss and throw up.

ohannabelle

Delete for weird ass double post.

bride2b71614

I agree with @ohannabelle in terms of issuing an apology. Maybe that apology will allow this all to blow over before your wedding. Semi-related question: If the OP believes that the friend's GF will pull some crazy stunt, would it be smart to mention the situation to the DOC/Wedding planner/person in charge of the venue/security? That way she won't have to worry about some shit going down at the wedding and it will be handled. Even though the things the GF said could all be a rumor, I would have a difficult time trusting anyone that is involved in this situation.