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Etiquette

Usure about Bridesmaids I picked

I've asked 9 friends to be bridesmaids in my wedding and m having doubts about whether or not I asked the right people. I love them all and have been through so much with them and have tons of memories, but I think I included 2 of the girls since they are part of the larger group and not necessarily because I needed them there. And now I'm afraid it will be too much for me on the day of and might look tacky. Help..

Re: Usure about Bridesmaids I picked

  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Sbarri1 said:
    I've asked 9 friends to be bridesmaids in my wedding and m having doubts about whether or not I asked the right people. I love them all and have been through so much with them and have tons of memories, but I think I included 2 of the girls since they are part of the larger group and not necessarily because I needed them there. And now I'm afraid it will be too much for me on the day of and might look tacky. Help..
    Well.... two things. 1) You've asked. You cannot un-ask. That would be a friendship-ending move. 2) Be careful about saying "needed".  You can emotionally need someone, but you can also need physical labor.  I hope you weren't indicating the latter.    
    The number won't look tacky.  If by "too much" you think the two additional women are drama queens, well, like I said, you can't un-ask.  Try not to worry too much. All they all have to do is show up properly dressed and sober on your wedding day.  Good luck! 
    ________________________________


    luckysnorkelKayDeee
  • Basically, at this point, what's done is done. However, the only way it would be "too much for you" on the day of is if you cannot afford to give them gifts for being part of your bridal party or pay for their bouquets of flowers. If that is the case, downsize on flowers (or have them carry non-floral items, such as a parasol if the wedding is outdoors), and start a special fund for their gifts now. Asking any of the girls to no longer be in the party would be extremely rude. It is not a problem to have a large bridal party.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Sbarri1 said:
    I've asked 9 friends to be bridesmaids in my wedding and m having doubts about whether or not I asked the right people. I love them all and have been through so much with them and have tons of memories, but I think I included 2 of the girls since they are part of the larger group and not necessarily because I needed them there. And now I'm afraid it will be too much for me on the day of and might look tacky. Help..
    Once you ask you cannot unask unless you don't mind the friendship being permanently scarred or ruined because of it.

    I am also confused by what you mean when you say "I needed them there"?  As well as the whole "it will be too much for me on the day of and might look tacky."

  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Well, unless you plan on ending your friendship with the two girls, you can't really un-ask them. 

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    What do you want help with?  There's not much you can do about it, unless you are looking for ways to cut costs or cut down on drama. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I guess I was afraid it would be too many people and look silly, and might be unnecessary. I was just on the fence about including 2 of the girls and just feel like I should have kept it at 7, especially since my fiance is having 7.
  • I know I can't take it back, but it is just making me feel overwhelmed. I technically have not asked the
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I guess I was afraid it would be too many people and look silly, and might be unnecessary. I was just on the fence about including 2 of the girls and just feel like I should have kept it at 7, especially since my fiance is having 7.
    Sides do not have to be even.

    Having 9 BMs will not look silly and you shouldn't even worry about numbers when you are deciding on who you want in your bridal party.

    And since you said that you have already asked them then it is too late to make changes.

  • I technically have only asked 6 of the 9 and could potentially not include 2 of the girls who are left that I was considering asking, but problem is 2 of the three I haven't asked are the ones I would have really wanted. And I hate singling out one girl, since there we are all in a large group of close friends..
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Well, unless you want to stop being friends with them altogether, you can't unask them.

    But if the issue is just one of numbers, you can have any number of bridesmaids you like.  You do not have to have even sides.
  • I feel like this is advice for anyone browsing - don't make quick decisions. Think about all decisions with wedding planning for quite some time. Once you make a decision and make it public, you cannot take it back. Be sure that with the remainder of choices you have to make, you really think it through.
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  • As others have said, kicking someone out is a friendship ending move. If there are people you haven't asked yet, you don't need to ask them. But if you've alluded to it, or told other people you're going to ask them and word has spread, etc.. I think you should take it into consideration. Sides don't have to be even. 9 is a lot of people but if they're your friends, who cares?
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  • I am having uneven sides and a co-ed bridal party, two of my attendants are male. FI has 3 and I will have 5. 

    I think if I were you I would be more focused on the fact that you have all these lovely ladies in your life. It won't look tacky or silly for you to have a large bridal party, in fact, I think it just shows you have a lot of people in your life who are close to you. I'm even a bit jealous of your dilemma.  

    Just make sure you can afford it before you ask the other 3.. Flowers and gifts can add up fast.. Not to mention the costs of any other wedding related activities like a RD for instance.
  • Thanks, I appreciate the advice. I probably would have been conflicted either way. I know I need to focus on the positives. I think I'm just overwhelmed right now.

    Would it be bad to exclude the one girl if she is part of our group of friends and I've included everyone else? We don't keep in touch the way I do with the others and I don't feel as close to her, but I don't know if I can leave out 1 person at this point..
  • If you haven't asked that one girl yet, I wouldn't worry about it. Just because she's close with your other BM's doesn't mean you have to ask her. Only ask her if you really want to :)

    Also, I have 6 BMs. Honestly, I picked them too quickly. (LURKERS: TAKE TIME ON THIS DECISION) I love all of my girls a ton, but if I could go back and do it differently I wouldn't have as many just because it is a little overwhelming. But I can't go back on that now, so I'm owning the fact that I have 6 BMs. Try not to be too overwhelmed, and look at the positives about it :) You have all these people that love and care about you that are willing to stand up with you on your wedding day, that's pretty cool!
  • Thanks. I'm just so afraid she'll be hurt. But she hasn't really reached out to me to talk about the wedding since I got engaged. And I think we both know we aren't as close as we used to be.
  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    FWIW I went to a wedding recently where there were 9 attendants on each side. From a guest perspective it was a bit 'WOW' but beyond that it wasn't a big deal as long as you have space for them all.

    But I agree, you can't un-ask someone.

    For this reason I have already decided to take bmydesigner's advice to heart and not do the asking until we at least hit 2015 (wedding is October 2015). Thank you! :)

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • Advice to any others looking at this board.. Ask those who you definitly want included FIRST. Then see how you feel and decide if you want to ask the maybes.
  • MegEn1 said:
    FWIW I went to a wedding recently where there were 9 attendants on each side. From a guest perspective it was a bit 'WOW' but beyond that it wasn't a big deal as long as you have space for them all.

    But I agree, you can't un-ask someone.

    For this reason I have already decided to take bmydesigner's advice to heart and not do the asking until we at least hit 2015 (wedding is October 2015). Thank you! :)
    Yes take it :) Thank you!
    Our wedding is in 11 months, and we picked in September. For some reason, I was so excited to pick BMs that I made the choice far too soon.
  • About this "left out" girl. Still include her in things, but she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid. Make sure she's invited to any showers or bachelorette parties, maybe even mani/pedi day, but you don't have to make her a bridesmaid. I was once a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding with 4 other common friends. A 5th common friend was not as close to the bride (closer to me) and was not a bridesmaid. But the bride included her in other activities so she didn't feel left out.
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    A lot depends on your venue too. If you're getting married in a church or other large ceremony space and have 150+ guests, having 8 BMs won't look odd, especially since your FI has 7 GMs.

    If you were having a smaller ceremony with 40 people on the beach, then yes, that might seem a bit much, but I wouldn't side-eye it or judge you. I'd just think, "Wow! She must have a lot of sisters/best friends."

    All I ask is, if you are getting married in a large church, have them keep a decent pace. I've sat through processionals in large cathedrals where the BMs walked up one by one, and it took forever. Most people I know who got married in large churches had the next BM start when the one ahead of them was halfway up the aisle. They were still spread out enough for pictures/attention, but it took half the time. I really appreciated that.

  • Unless the BM comes to you & asks to step down, I don't think there is anything you can do to reduce your Bridal Party size without hurting anyones feelings. I think the only exception is if you decide to do no Bridal Party at all and tell them that due to the expenses (flowers, etc.) and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings that you have decided to go with no bridal party.
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