So grumpy over this invite

JasperandOpal

Just venting but Seriously?  I know how expensive weddings are, my wedding is one month after this couple's and I just received an invitation to their wedding addressed just to me.  I get it, you don't know my FI (and bf of almost 9 years) that well, but we have been together the ENTIRE TIME I'VE KNOWN YOU.  

So for a second I thought, hey maybe they just didn't realize that you are supposed to address it to both of us.  Went onto their wedding page to RSVP and in big text at the top of the RSVP page it says "Due to the high cost of the wedding and the limited space available, only the people listed on the outside of the invitation are invited and should RSVP."   So fine, I hit decline.  One less wedding gift I have to buy.

peachy13

wow, not okay. Inviting a FI is a MUST. I would even invite a serious boyfriend and girlfriend, even if I had never met them. What a rude f'in statement to make as well about the "high cost" of their wedding. You do not announce that to your guests when inviting them to a wedding. 

Bad etiquette dripping off this one... decline for sure and do not feel bad!

[Deleted User]

Yep, I'd be livid. No way would I even consider going.

Marzipan13

Gott im Himmel.  Ugh, people.

I'll admit, FI & I didn't invite a friend's FI.... but that's because we didn't know he existed until just the other day.  (Very strange situation - for whatever reason, they're engaged, but almost no one knows.  She even hesitated telling us.)  The difference is, we agreed to invite him after learning that he existed... 

climbingsingle

That's rude and tacky. And crazy. I can't believe they put that on their website too. Wow. 

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

Yeah, no.  FI and I have been together almost 9 years too and I wouldnt dream of going without him.

Also, NEVER outline your finances to your guests like that.  Effin' tacky.

JasperandOpal

Yeah I was thrown back by the finance details on the wedding site, and it had other issues as well like details on how we should dress and a request that we download an app and make videos during the wedding to submit to the app so it can compile a wedding video (weird).  I was shocked because I am good friends with the groom and know the bride pretty well and this just doesn't seem like "them" to me.  I guess for some people planning a wedding means throwing common sense out the window.  

AddieCake

This is my rage issue. 

wrigleyville

Oh, HELL no.

How about you tone down that "high cost" a bit and make it about your guests, not your stupid Pinterest board.

loveislouder

Decline for sure.

izza2

That's definitely a decline. If someone told me I couldn't bring my FI, I'd be offended. If you can't afford to have a wedding where your guests can bring their s/o's, maybe you should reconsider to just having a small, intimate wedding. All but.. two? of our adult guests will be bringing either their husbands/wives, or their current s/o's. Most have been in long-term relationships, but a few are just hitting their 9 month-1 year mark. Knowing how much more I enjoyed events with my FI there at that time in our relationship, I wouldn't dream of telling them to leave their S/O's at home because we "couldn't afford them". Sorry.

theartistformerlyknownas

Well their wedding's about to get a lot cheaper once everyone starts declining. What assholes.

falsara

Just NO, there's no words, for this type of inconsiderate crap.  Every person on my guest list has an extra spot next to their name just in case my guests end up with an SO between now and when I send out invites.  Even for those people who haven't gone on a date in 5 years, and are currently not even agreeing to any dates at all.

 I mean come on, you don't do shit like this.  Did she do that to the married couples too? Was she like, I'll invite you, but your Husband/ Wife isn't invited?

PrincessOfHavoc

Serious rage on that! That's warping even the tacky, classless "no ring, no bring" idea.

But, total love because you win. No present! I might send a card. Nah, costs money. Maybe a klassee e card on Facebook.

RebeccaFlower

No freaking way. And when someone asks why you couldn't make it, I would have no problem telling them to truth. 

This happened at a former close friends wedding. A mutual friend was invited with her mother, but the father wasn't invited. MIL & I kind of looked at each other, as to say "really" and the wife got super defensive, saying how she's fully capable of going places without her husband . I get that, but I don't understand lack of consideration of couples when you want people to be celebrating the fact that you're becoming a legal couple.

ETA: words are hard before coffee.

larrygaga

But guyysss their wedding is a different story! You just don't understand the situation!

turtletrout

Idk I feel like you're both right in this situation and they are just keeping it real which I don't see how that's tacky. They know it'll be a problem for some and saying 'hey we can't afford that extra plate' seems truthful and understandable. You're right for not going if you don't feel comfortable. But it's also their wedding and they get to make decisions with their own money on who to pay for.

AddieCake

turtletrout said:

Idk I feel like you're both right in this situation and they are just keeping it real which I don't see how that's tacky. They know it'll be a problem for some and saying 'hey we can't afford that extra plate' seems truthful and understandable. You're right for not going if you don't feel comfortable. But it's also their wedding and they get to make decisions with their own money on who to pay for.

You've got to be fucking kidding me. So you think it's cool to invite someone to celebrate a couple but only invite one half of couples? Anyone who does this is an asshole. 

Maggie0829

AddieCake said:

turtletrout said:

Idk I feel like you're both right in this situation and they are just keeping it real which I don't see how that's tacky. They know it'll be a problem for some and saying 'hey we can't afford that extra plate' seems truthful and understandable. You're right for not going if you don't feel comfortable. But it's also their wedding and they get to make decisions with their own money on who to pay for.

You've got to be fucking kidding me. So you think it's cool to invite someone to celebrate a couple but only invite one half of couples? Anyone who does this is an asshole. 

Bolded for emphasis.

larrygaga

turtletrout said:

Idk I feel like you're both right in this situation and they are just keeping it real which I don't see how that's tacky. They know it'll be a problem for some and saying 'hey we can't afford that extra plate' seems truthful and understandable. You're right for not going if you don't feel comfortable. But it's also their wedding and they get to make decisions with their own money on who to pay for.

BOX

They made the wrong decision. 

JasperandOpal

turtletrout said:

Idk I feel like you're both right in this situation and they are just keeping it real which I don't see how that's tacky. They know it'll be a problem for some and saying 'hey we can't afford that extra plate' seems truthful and understandable. You're right for not going if you don't feel comfortable. But it's also their wedding and they get to make decisions with their own money on who to pay for.

I think the solution here is to figure out your budget before you invite people to your engagement party and before you send out save the dates because if they had thought about it, maybe they would have chosen to just not invite me at all, which I think would have been the better option under the circumstances.  

When I made my budget, I knew I could afford to host around 80 people so I knew that, excluding a few people who I know will not have plus ones, I could invited 35 or so couples.  If I know both people in the couple, awesome, if I don't, great, I get to meet someone new or someone I know in passing who is really important to someone I care enough about to invite to my wedding. 

Would you think it was appropriate for me to only invite the groom to my wedding one month later and not invite his wife because I am actually only friends with him?  After all, I should get to choose who I feed right?  I'm not being snarky, I really want to know because this entire time I have been wondering if they would have excluded FI from the invite list if we were getting married in August, one month before their wedding, instead of October, one month after.

brideofginger

turtletrout said:

Idk I feel like you're both right in this situation and they are just keeping it real which I don't see how that's tacky. They know it'll be a problem for some and saying 'hey we can't afford that extra plate' seems truthful and understandable. You're right for not going if you don't feel comfortable. But it's also their wedding and they get to make decisions with their own money on who to pay for.

I suck at etiquette stuff and even I thought it was super rude. If you can't deal with both, don't invite either.

mrsmorales2be

Definitely a decline. One less wedding to go to - use that time to do something nice for you, since you'll have your own wedding to focus on a few weeks later!

turtletrout

JasperandOpal said:

turtletrout said:

Idk I feel like you're both right in this situation and they are just keeping it real which I don't see how that's tacky. They know it'll be a problem for some and saying 'hey we can't afford that extra plate' seems truthful and understandable. You're right for not going if you don't feel comfortable. But it's also their wedding and they get to make decisions with their own money on who to pay for.

I think the solution here is to figure out your budget before you invite people to your engagement party and before you send out save the dates because if they had thought about it, maybe they would have chosen to just not invite me at all, which I think would have been the better option under the circumstances.  

When I made my budget, I knew I could afford to host around 80 people so I knew that, excluding a few people who I know will not have plus ones, I could invited 35 or so couples.  If I know both people in the couple, awesome, if I don't, great, I get to meet someone new or someone I know in passing who is really important to someone I care enough about to invite to my wedding. 

Would you think it was appropriate for me to only invite the groom to my wedding one month later and not invite his wife because I am actually only friends with him?  After all, I should get to choose who I feed right?  I'm not being snarky, I really want to know because this entire time I have been wondering if they would have excluded FI from the invite list if we were getting married in August, one month before their wedding, instead of October, one month after.

To answer your question, yes. Yeah I guess people can get in an uproar that I think differently but you can look at it either way. Invite them both and meet someone new, or save your money and invite people that you know and want to share this big day with. It is just one (expensive in most cases lol) day. I know it's not "traditionally considered good etiquette" but my attitude is that it's your money and you have to make it work to the best of your abilities. If other people get in an uproar about it after you were honest that the decision is solely based on money and not about snubbing someone then I would be forgiving.

[Deleted User]

turtletrout said:

JasperandOpal said:

turtletrout said:

Idk I feel like you're both right in this situation and they are just keeping it real which I don't see how that's tacky. They know it'll be a problem for some and saying 'hey we can't afford that extra plate' seems truthful and understandable. You're right for not going if you don't feel comfortable. But it's also their wedding and they get to make decisions with their own money on who to pay for.

I think the solution here is to figure out your budget before you invite people to your engagement party and before you send out save the dates because if they had thought about it, maybe they would have chosen to just not invite me at all, which I think would have been the better option under the circumstances.  

When I made my budget, I knew I could afford to host around 80 people so I knew that, excluding a few people who I know will not have plus ones, I could invited 35 or so couples.  If I know both people in the couple, awesome, if I don't, great, I get to meet someone new or someone I know in passing who is really important to someone I care enough about to invite to my wedding. 

Would you think it was appropriate for me to only invite the groom to my wedding one month later and not invite his wife because I am actually only friends with him?  After all, I should get to choose who I feed right?  I'm not being snarky, I really want to know because this entire time I have been wondering if they would have excluded FI from the invite list if we were getting married in August, one month before their wedding, instead of October, one month after.

To answer your question, yes. Yeah I guess people can get in an uproar that I think differently but you can look at it either way. Invite them both and meet someone new, or save your money and invite people that you know and want to share this big day with. It is just one (expensive in most cases lol) day. I know it's not "traditionally considered good etiquette" but my attitude is that it's your money and you have to make it work to the best of your abilities. If other people get in an uproar about it after you were honest that the decision is solely based on money and not about snubbing someone then I would be forgiving.

Are you the bride in question..?

Anyways... it's not that I am attached to FI's hip by any means, actually I'm quite independent. Weddings however... I find these to be an even that I want to be around him. Maybe it's all the love and crap...but I have a hard time being at weddings without him. If I were invited but not him...I wouldn't go. Let's say I did end up going without FI. I would be stewing all night on the inside whole outwardly smiling and nodding and putting on a freakin' happy face for the bride. I would rather be happy, ditch altogether and have a date night with FI.

JasperandOpal

@turtletrout thank you for your honesty as I think you will get a lil flak for your response. I do understand that perspective, weddings are ridiculously expensive, almost panic-inducingly so. We all make decisions on how to allocate our funds and I totally agree that being surrounded by all the people you really want when you get married is the ideal situation. 

That said, I know for me, I would feel a little sad whenever a slow song came on and all the couples were on the dance floor and I had to sit it out. But yes, it is a personal decision and either way you live with the consequence. As a consequence of the decision FI and I made, we will be inviting less friends so that they can all bring their partner. As a consequence of my friends' decision, some people, like me, will choose not to attend and will save them a little money. 

Basically the solution is- wedding should just be cheaper!!

MobKaz

JasperandOpal said:

@turtletrout thank you for your honesty as I think you will get a lil flak for your response. I do understand that perspective, weddings are ridiculously expensive, almost panic-inducingly so. We all make decisions on how to allocate our funds and I totally agree that being surrounded by all the people you really want when you get married is the ideal situation. 

That said, I know for me, I would feel a little sad whenever a slow song came on and all the couples were on the dance floor and I had to sit it out. But yes, it is a personal decision and either way you live with the consequence. As a consequence of the decision FI and I made, we will be inviting less friends so that they can all bring their partner. As a consequence of my friends' decision, some people, like me, will choose not to attend and will save them a little money. 

Basically the solution is- wedding should just be cheaper!!

You do understand that the bride and groom dictate the budget, right? If you don't want to have an expensive wedding, don't.

JasperandOpal

MobKaz  Of course, and no one is forced to get married or to have a reception etc.  I am definitely not having an expensive wedding and my FI and I made a budget and have managed to stick to it.  I do think that it is ridiculous that the moment you put the word "wedding" in front of something the cost for the item goes up tremendously.  "Wedding" cake is more expensive than "Party" cake.  "Wedding" dress is more expensive than "White Party Gown."  "Wedding" DJ is more expensive than a bar mitzvah dj.  But maybe that is just where I live.  

I wasn't meaning that all weddings have a price tag that reads $XX.  I meant that the conversation and assumptions that surround weddings have created an atmosphere where people think weddings have a certain price tag on them and where vendors think they can up-charge for things.  I think from a couples perspective and often from the guests perspective there is a huge emphasis placed on having things that are expensive.  I am not talking about most of the ladies and gents on here but you leave these chat boards and people have ridiculous expectations and don't understand that cake and punch is perfectly acceptable. 

I guess I was trying to say that in a dream world I wish I could host everyone I wish I could invite to the level I wish to host them but FI and I can't afford that so we determined what was most important and went from there, just like every other couple does.  I felt hurt by my friends decision not to include my FI in order to reach their budget goals, just like I am sure some of FI's and my friends will feel hurt by our not inviting them in order to stay in our budget or some of our guests will feel a little upset by our decision to have wine and beer only not a full bar, or to have homemade pies instead of cake.  And if things like cake and alcohol and food and large venues were cheaper, we wouldn't have to make those hard decisions. 

 I wasn't trying to speak of anything "real" or "possible" it was more of a joke and a dream.  Like saying the solution to stopping wars is for everyone to get a fluffy kitty or a pet turtle because then everyone would be so happy they wouldn't want to fight anymore.

Edit: I do not know why my font is so tiny and I am sorry

MobKaz

JasperandOpal said:

MobKaz  Of course, and no one is forced to get married or to have a reception etc.  I am definitely not having an expensive wedding and my FI and I made a budget and have managed to stick to it.  I do think that it is ridiculous that the moment you put the word "wedding" in front of something the cost for the item goes up tremendously.  "Wedding" cake is more expensive than "Party" cake.  "Wedding" dress is more expensive than "White Party Gown."  "Wedding" DJ is more expensive than a bar mitzvah dj.  But maybe that is just where I live.  

I wasn't meaning that all weddings have a price tag that reads $XX.  I meant that the conversation and assumptions that surround weddings have created an atmosphere where people think weddings have a certain price tag on them and where vendors think they can up-charge for things.  I think from a couples perspective and often from the guests perspective there is a huge emphasis placed on having things that are expensive.  I am not talking about most of the ladies and gents on here but you leave these chat boards and people have ridiculous expectations and don't understand that cake and punch is perfectly acceptable. 

I guess I was trying to say that in a dream world I wish I could host everyone I wish I could invite to the level I wish to host them but FI and I can't afford that so we determined what was most important and went from there, just like every other couple does.  I felt hurt by my friends decision not to include my FI in order to reach their budget goals, just like I am sure some of FI's and my friends will feel hurt by our not inviting them in order to stay in our budget or some of our guests will feel a little upset by our decision to have wine and beer only not a full bar, or to have homemade pies instead of cake.  And if things like cake and alcohol and food and large venues were cheaper, we wouldn't have to make those hard decisions. 

 I wasn't trying to speak of anything "real" or "possible" it was more of a joke and a dream.  Like saying the solution to stopping wars is for everyone to get a fluffy kitty or a pet turtle because then everyone would be so happy they wouldn't want to fight anymore.

Edit: I do not know why my font is so tiny and I am sorry

Pie instead of cake? Sign me up. Hosted wine and beer? No problem there, either. I will ALWAYS regard a properly hosted wedding, regardless of bells and whistles, over a poorly hosted wedding, as the better affair. I have no issues with budgets. I have HUGE issues with couples that show a complete disregard for their guests. If a guest complains about attending a properly hosted event, then the shame is on them, not you. Your wedding sounds lovely. I do understand that is is frustrating that you cannot include all the people you would like in attendance. I think it is better to omit couples, then to insult others by inviting only half of the social unit. In the end, many will decline because of the rudeness behind the invitation.

JasperandOpal

MobKaz  Oh I definitely agree, thats why I made the original post, because I think the best "etiquette" decision is to invite both partners, not just the one you are friends with even if that means you can invite less of the individual people you would like to.  When I received the invitation from my friend and it was only for me and not for FI I was hurt and I agree, the best approach would have been for them to just not invite me at all because then they could have invited someone else AND their partner instead of two people without their partners (unless of course I was the only person who didn't get a plus one... yikes! but doubtful).

I was speaking to turtletrout's comment that they could see where my friends are coming from and that should would even consider inviting only the wife or husband in a couple if it meant they could have more of the individuals they wanted there.  I was saying that I too understand that it all comes down to the couples' personal choice on how to allocate the budget but that etiquette says, and my feelings agree, that inviting only one person from a couple is the riskier decision to make.  I see where my friends are coming from in making the decision because I had to make the same decision and we chose to go opposite routes because my opinion aligns with yours, it is better to omit couples than insult someone by only inviting half.  I could see myself making same decision my friends made if I didn't value my guests comfort over my own desire to be surrounded by all those I love and if I didn't understand the etiquette behind hosting etc. I don't hold it against them that they made this decision, it won't stop me being friends with them because I don't think they were trying to snub FI, even if that is in effect what they did.  

Simply Fated

turtletrout said:

JasperandOpal said:

turtletrout said:

Idk I feel like you're both right in this situation and they are just keeping it real which I don't see how that's tacky. They know it'll be a problem for some and saying 'hey we can't afford that extra plate' seems truthful and understandable. You're right for not going if you don't feel comfortable. But it's also their wedding and they get to make decisions with their own money on who to pay for.

I think the solution here is to figure out your budget before you invite people to your engagement party and before you send out save the dates because if they had thought about it, maybe they would have chosen to just not invite me at all, which I think would have been the better option under the circumstances.  

When I made my budget, I knew I could afford to host around 80 people so I knew that, excluding a few people who I know will not have plus ones, I could invited 35 or so couples.  If I know both people in the couple, awesome, if I don't, great, I get to meet someone new or someone I know in passing who is really important to someone I care enough about to invite to my wedding. 

Would you think it was appropriate for me to only invite the groom to my wedding one month later and not invite his wife because I am actually only friends with him?  After all, I should get to choose who I feed right?  I'm not being snarky, I really want to know because this entire time I have been wondering if they would have excluded FI from the invite list if we were getting married in August, one month before their wedding, instead of October, one month after.

To answer your question, yes. Yeah I guess people can get in an uproar that I think differently but you can look at it either way. Invite them both and meet someone new, or save your money and invite people that you know and want to share this big day with. It is just one (expensive in most cases lol) day. I know it's not "traditionally considered good etiquette" but my attitude is that it's your money and you have to make it work to the best of your abilities. If other people get in an uproar about it after you were honest that the decision is solely based on money and not about snubbing someone then I would be forgiving.

It is snubbing someone, regardless what the reason is. A snub is a snub and the reason doesn't matter. If you can't afford to invite both, invite neither or rework your budget. Done. Easy.


Yes, the bride and groom has an absolute say in who they invite, but that doesn't make them any less of assholes if they only invite one half of a couple.
A wedding is a time when two people become legally/religiously joined together until death (or divorce) do they part. At no point should a day that celebrates the joining of a couple become a day when that couple snubs someone else's significant other. It's shallow, callous, and hypocritical, at best.

It's not traditionally against etiquette, as you put it. It's against etiquette, period.