Registry and Gift Forum

Hardly Any Gifts?!

ahkeltekeahkelteke member
First Anniversary First Comment
edited July 2014 in Registry and Gift Forum
My fiance and I planned a wedding for about 90 people. It was quite a financial stress on us, but it was really important to the two families, so we made it happen. As we've drawn closer, I've been keeping a close eye on the wedding registries. I was encouraged to do so, just in case the registries were emptied out and needed to be replenished. I started checking when there was about a month before the wedding. I was shocked. Hardly anyone had purchased items off either registry. We used Amazon and Pottery Barn, and I worked hard to include items within all price ranges (from $4 to $300). Most fall within the $20 to $60 range. We included the one $300 item as a shot in the dark.

Just this morning, a mere week before the wedding, I checked again. Of the 45 or so different households attending, only 20 have purchased gifts. I was always raised that, even if you cannot attend, if you receive an invite, you send a gift. The only exception I've learned is for guests who travel long distances or who are under financial strain. I know who those few guests are. Most of our guests are local and fine financially.

I know that weddings are not about gifts, but in all honesty, it makes me angry. Less than 50% of our guests purchased gifts, and we are spending 17,000 of our very hard earned dollars to make this event not only memorable for us, but enjoyable for them. It makes me wish I hadn't have worked so hard to appease everyone. Nearly our entire menu is gluten free! The wedding venue is in the middle of nowhere, so that neither family has to travel more than 1.5 hours. And the wedding is 70 people larger than we had originally planned.

Okay, enough with the rant. But, seriously... is this typical? Is it normal for 60% of the guests to show up without a gift?

ADDITION:  While I appreciate everyone's attempt to lecture me into humility, I would be more appreciative if people addressed my question. I asked if my situation was typical: less than 50% of guests purchasing gifts with less than a week to go. I was simply seeking perspective. Thank you to those of you who addressed my question.

As current or former brides, I am sure you remember what it feels like to overcome the massive amount of details associated with weddings. Show some compassion for those of us tackling those details right now. Forgive us for our moments of anger or frustration, and guide us positively rather than put us down.
Knottie17a3b86218332b3d
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Re: Hardly Any Gifts?!

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    ahkelteke said:
    My fiance and I planned a wedding for about 90 people. It was quite a financial stress on us, but it was really important to the two families, so we made it happen. As we've drawn closer, I've been keeping a close eye on the wedding registries. I was encouraged to do so, just in case the registries were emptied out and needed to be replenished. I started checking when there was about a month before the wedding. I was shocked. Hardly anyone had purchased items off either registry. We used Amazon and Pottery Barn, and I worked hard to include items within all price ranges (from $4 to $300). Most fall within the $20 to $60 range. We included the one $300 item as a shot in the dark.

    Just this morning, a mere week before the wedding, I checked again. Of the 45 or so different households attending, only 20 have purchased gifts. I was always raised that, even if you cannot attend, if you receive an invite, you send a gift. The only exception I've learned is for guests who travel long distances or who are under financial strain. I know who those few guests are. Most of our guests are local and fine financially.

    I know that weddings are not about gifts, but in all honesty, it makes me angry. Less than 50% of our guests purchased gifts, and we are spending 17,000 of our very hard earned dollars to make this event not only memorable for us, but enjoyable for them. It makes me wish I hadn't have worked so hard to appease everyone. Nearly our entire menu is gluten free! The wedding venue is in the middle of nowhere, so that neither family has to travel more than 1.5 hours. And the wedding is 70 people larger than we had originally planned.

    Okay, enough with the rant. But, seriously... is this typical? Is it normal for 60% of the guests to show up without a gift?
    If you are angry that enough people haven't purchased gifts, you need to take a step back and look at yourself.  Something is really wrong there.  

    An invite is not an invoice.  Nor is a gift payment for attendance.  If people want to give you something, they will.  If they don't, they won't.  If people have the inclination that you are the sort of person who would get angry over the number of gifts you receive, they aren't likely to want to get you anything.  

    Most people prefer to get gifts for people who are appreciative and delighted over a gift, not someone who expects them.  
    doeydoBlue_Birdwandajune6
  • beethery said:
    If 20 households purchased gifts, more than half of your guests are accounted for giftwise. Others might purchase soon, or might plan to give you cash in a card.

    That said, no one is required to give a gift for any occasion. Just because you have an event or throw a party, does not mean you are entitled to gifts.
    This, I rarely purchase the gift more than a week out and it is not unheard of me to buy the gift on the way to the wedding or the shower.  For one thing I don't want it sitting around my house.  For another I've been invited to weddings that got canceled. I figure if I'm on my way to the event the odds are it's actually going to happen.  

    And like everyone else said you aren't entitled to gifts.  

      
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Whoa, lady, check yourself before you wreck yourself. You're sounding mighty entitled.

    1. Gifts are always optional. Yes, even at weddings.
    2. People may be waiting to buy a gift till closer to your wedding.
    3. People may be planning to bring cards with checks to your wedding.
    4. People may have decided to go off the registry.
    5. Gifts are always optional.

    Stop checking your registry. Stop calculating how many guests haven't gotten you a gift yet. Enjoy getting married and celebrating with your loved ones. That's the whole point of inviting people.
    doeydoBlue_Birdashley8918
  • MNVegasMNVegas member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    OP you need an attitude adjustment NOW! No one is required to buy you a gift. 

    Perhaps people have been busy living their lives. Your wedding is just a blip on their radar. A lot of people wait until the last minute to buy gifts. Yes some may not buy you a gift at all which is perfectly acceptable. Some may order a gift either before or after the wedding and have it shipped to you.

    Regardless you need to chill out and stop acting so entitled. Be grateful people are going to show up to help you celebrate.

    BTW a lot of people give cash as a wedding gift and don't buy from a registry.
    doeydo
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Get yourself a margarita. Or whatever drink you prefer.
    And calm down.

    First off, a lot of people give cash. A lot of people procrastinate. I've picked up gifts on my way to a wedding. It's ok.

    Secondly. People will surprise you with what they give. Some of our guests gave much more generously then we thought, and some gave less than we would have expected. I also couldn't tell you who didn't give us at least something for the wedding. Honestly, it doesn't matter.

    Congratulations on your upcoming marriage.
    image



    Anniversary
  • @AddieCake I love that that's where you went with it.  
    AddieCake
  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2014
    scribe95 said:
    I will answer your questions though I find your attitude detestable. 

    I think I got a gift or cash from about 95 percent of guests. I never checked my registry before so I have no idea when they were bought. But I know from my own personal experience I usually wait until the last week. And cash won't show up on a registry, as others have mentioned.

    And absolutely no one is required to give you a gift - especially people who don't attend. An invitation doesn't mean a gift. Whoever told you that was completely wrong. 

    You need to relax. It sounds like you spent a lot on the wedding and expect to recoup some of it, which is horrible. 

    I have actually seen that in etiquette articles. It's considered proper guest etiquette to bring/send a gift if you were invited regardless of your attendance. However, it is considered improper bride/groom etiquette to expect or ask for gifts and the bride and groom should never confront someone about not giving a gift.   Edited twice to try to fix a format issue.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    scribe95 said:

    Anyone get gifts from people who didn't attend?

    I did. I actually got a gift from a woman that wasn't even invited! She had hired me a few years earlier to help her plan her daughter's wedding (I went to high school with her daughter), but I hadn't heard from her since. We sent a thank you note.
  • scribe95 said:
    Anyone get gifts from people who didn't attend?
    Yep. We didn't get any from folks who were invited but declined, but we did get gifts from two of my mom's cousins. They're close to her, but they understood why they weren't invited and they still wanted to congratulate us. It was completely unexpected and very touching.
    Car2992
  • scribe95 said:
    Anyone get gifts from people who didn't attend?
    Yup. All relatives. Some sent actual gifts and others sent checks.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Wegl13Wegl13 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I have bought three wedding presents 6 months after the wedding. So. That happens.
    Car2992
  • scribe95 said:
    Anyone get gifts from people who didn't attend?
    My wedding isn't until August, but we've had a few gifts mailed to us already from co-workers that weren't invited due to limited space, as well as from my uncle's ex-parent-in-laws (theyr'e still close to our family).
  • Maybe people are writing checks?  This would be the last thing I would be stressed about leading up to my wedding.
  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Breeeeaaaaathe. People are answering your question. Most people don't bring physical gifts to the wedding. People may be bringing you checks, or they may be waiting until a few days before the wedding to buy you something. I don't bring boxed gifts to weddings, but when I go to showers I usually don't buy anything until the day before. Gifts may even be sent to your house after the wedding, as it is typically seen as poor etiquette to bring a gift with you since it could be challenging for you to get it home. 

    People have plenty of time, but if they don't it's nothing for you to be concerned about. The advice you got about checking your registry was more appropriate if you were having a shower, which it sounds like you did not. There's no need to stalk it for a wedding.

    image
    image
    ashley8918
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Not everyone buys off the registry for the actual wedding.  In my circle the registry is for the bridal shower and then the majority of people give cash at the wedding.

    But your wedding is not about people bringing you gifts.  Honestly, I don't understand why you are stressing over this.  Be grateful for what you get and then move on.

    Personally I think you are pissed that you are throwing this large wedding that you didn't want in the first place only to appease your family and now you feel like you are owed gifts for giving them what they wanted.

    ladybird29kmmssg
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited July 2014
    ahkelteke said:
    My fiance and I planned a wedding for about 90 people. It was quite a financial stress on us, but it was really important to the two families, so we made it happen. As we've drawn closer, I've been keeping a close eye on the wedding registries. I was encouraged to do so, just in case the registries were emptied out and needed to be replenished. As a guest, if I see that the registry items were empties out, I purchase a gift card.  You really don't have to do this.  I started checking when there was about a month before the wedding. I was shocked. Hardly anyone had purchased items off either registry. We used Amazon and Pottery Barn, and I worked hard to include items within all price ranges (from $4 to $300). Most fall within the $20 to $60 range. We included the one $300 item as a shot in the dark.

    Just this morning, a mere week before the wedding, I checked again. I often buy the gift the day of the wedding.  So, if I was invited to yours, I would apparently be delinquent.  Of the 45 or so different households attending, only 20 have purchased gifts. I was always raised that, even if you cannot attend, if you receive an invite, you send a gift.   That's funny - I was always raised that you be thankful for what you get.  My grandma used to say "you can want in one hand and pee in the other and see which one fills up faster."  The only exception I've learned is for guests who travel long distances or who are under financial strain. I know who those few guests are. Most of our guests are local and fine financially. How do you know this about their financial status? 

    I know that weddings are not about gifts, but in all honesty, it makes me angry.  Here's something else I was always taught.  When you use the word 'but' in a sentence like that, it essentially negates what was said in the first half of the sentence.  It's like "I love you, but ..."  No, you love or you don't.  Either weddings are about gifts or they are not.  Less than 50% of our guests purchased gifts, and we are spending 17,000 of our very hard earned dollars to make this event not only memorable for us, but enjoyable for them. It makes me wish I hadn't have worked so hard to appease everyone. Nearly our entire menu is gluten free!  I'm not sure what the point is here.  The wedding venue is in the middle of nowhere, so that neither family has to travel more than 1.5 hours. And the wedding is 70 people larger than we had originally planned.  If you couldn't afford to host those extra 70 people, you should have kept your guest list smaller. 

    Okay, enough with the rant. But, seriously... is this typical? Is it normal for 60% of the guests to show up without a gift?  Honestly, I don't know.  When my husband & I got married, we didn't calculate statistics of how many of our guests brought gifts.  We were just happy that we got married and that many of our friends & family were able to celebrate with us.  The gifts were nice, too.  But, I could not tell you to save my life which of our guests didn't bring (or send) gifts.

    ADDITION:  While I appreciate everyone's attempt to lecture me into humility, I would be more appreciative if people addressed my question. I asked if my situation was typical: less than 50% of guests purchasing gifts with less than a week to go. I was simply seeking perspective.  I think you got perspective, and that perspective is that you ought to stop checking your registry and keeping track of how many families have bought gifts for you.  Thank you to those of you who addressed my question.

    As current or former brides, I am sure you remember what it feels like to overcome the massive amount of details associated with weddings. Show some compassion for those of us tackling those details right now. Forgive us for our moments of anger or frustration, and guide us positively rather than put us down.  You know what detail I was concerned with the week before my wedding?  My favorite uncle had just been diagnosed with colon cancer and had surgery the Wednesday before my wedding.  Hell yeah I was angry and frustrated that he was sick.   

  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    scribe95 said:
    Anyone get gifts from people who didn't attend?


    STIB:

    We didn't, but we buy wedding gifts for people even if we aren't invited to their wedding. Sometimes we just want to congratulate someone. I realize not a lot of people do that, but if we were invited to a wedding and couldn't attend we would definitely still send a gift.
    image
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If this is making you angry, you need to take a step back, girlfriend. Weddings are not about gifts. No one is required to give you anything. 

    For my first wedding, I did not receive any gifts from people that could not attend. I honestly  have no idea what percentage of people gave. I didn't keep track of who gave and who didn't. That's absurd to me, to be honest. I sent thank you notes to people who gave gifts and that was that. 

    How do you know people don't plan on giving you a check? 

    ashley8918
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    FWIW, we got gifts from maybe 25-30% of our guests. And I'm not even angry about it.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You've got to be fluffing kidding me.  You are this greedy and now you have the gall to ask for compassion?  

    This has got to be fake.  No one is this shameless.  
    RebeccaB88
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    ahkelteke said:
    My fiance and I planned a wedding for about 90 people. It was quite a financial stress on us, but it was really important to the two families, so we made it happen. As we've drawn closer, I've been keeping a close eye on the wedding registries. I was encouraged to do so, just in case the registries were emptied out and needed to be replenished. I started checking when there was about a month before the wedding. I was shocked. Hardly anyone had purchased items off either registry. We used Amazon and Pottery Barn, and I worked hard to include items within all price ranges (from $4 to $300). Most fall within the $20 to $60 range. We included the one $300 item as a shot in the dark.

    Just this morning, a mere week before the wedding, I checked again. Of the 45 or so different households attending, only 20 have purchased gifts. I was always raised that, even if you cannot attend, if you receive an invite, you send a gift. Then you were raised wrong, frankly.  The only exception I've learned is for guests who travel long distances or who are under financial strain. I know who those few guests are. Most of our guests are local and fine financially.

    I know that weddings are not about gifts, but in all honesty, it makes me angry. Less than 50% of our guests purchased gifts, and we are spending 17,000 of our very hard earned dollars to make this event not only memorable for us, but enjoyable for them. It makes me wish I hadn't have worked so hard to appease everyone. Nearly our entire menu is gluten free! The wedding venue is in the middle of nowhere, so that neither family has to travel more than 1.5 hours. And the wedding is 70 people larger than we had originally planned.

    Okay, enough with the rant. But, seriously... is this typical? Is it normal for 60% of the guests to show up without a gift?




    ohannabelle
  • Could it be possible that you could be receiving cash as gifts ...and they will give it to you at the wedding?
  • We received several gifts after the wedding. And a lot of people just gave us cash at the wedding. But honestly we didn't track anything other than to write thank you notes to the people that did choose to get us something. Not receiving a git isn't anything to be annoyed about. And FWIW, if i decline to attend a wedding, i usually don't send a gift unless I am very close to the bride and/or groom. Several people who RSVP'ed no for our wedding didn't send us anything, and i didn't expect them to.
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2014
    Woah, girlfriend! Calm yourself!

    I will admit to shamelessly checking my registry every once in a while, but I give zero fucks about how many gifts we get/who gets us gifts. That is not what a wedding is about, at all.

    ETA: Oh. Just saw your "addition".
    image
  • Most people give cash when they are invited to wedding. Did you receive any cash? If you did then that is your gift an no other gift will be coming. If you did not receive a gift, gift-card or cash from guests then either it hasn't arrived yet or your guests are rude. I would keep that in mind any time you are invited to anything of theirs.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • My wedding isn't close enough for anyone to buy things yet, so I don't know about the percentages, but I do know that I'm a procrastinator, and usually buy gifts the weekend before an event, at the earliest. Buying them on the way to the event has also happened... So I'd relax - maybe your guests are more procrastinators (like me).
  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Most people give cash when they are invited to wedding. Did you receive any cash? If you did then that is your gift an no other gift will be coming. If you did not receive a gift, gift-card or cash from guests then either it hasn't arrived yet or your guests are rude. I would keep that in mind any time you are invited to anything of theirs.
    Uh no, you are the rude one. This is terrible advice and an awful way of thinking. Gifts are never required and should never be judged.

    image
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    MNVegascupcait927biggrouch
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