Do I have to ask her to be a bridesmaid?

blushingbride1066

I am newly engaged and my future husband and I have decided on 3 groomsmen and 3 bridesmaids.

I have 2 bridesmaids chosen: Sheila (best friend since 7th grade), Elizabeth (college roommate for 2 years, still regularly see each other)....and I'm truly struggling over the 3rd. I have 2 people I'm struggling to choose between...

Kate: I was in her wedding in April 2012, just a little over a year ago. We lived together for 3 years (and the two of us lived with Elizabeth for 2), she visited me in the hospital when I was ill years ago...but since graduating college, we've drifted. She lives an hour away, neither of us have made too much effort to stay in touch-- I'll try to text or facebook message her but she never responds (admittedly, I could call). Also when she met my boyfriend, he didn't particularly care for her and she liked him but thought he was a "bro." 

Sarah: We weren't as close in college but have kept in touch much better than Kate and I, we have a lot more in common...and she was one of the people I immediately called to tell after getting engaged. I feel bad but I didn't think to call Kate. Sarah would probably be more involved in dancing and socializing on the actual day of the wedding, but she lives far enough away that she may not be able to attend the shower or bachelorette party also (but I'm having a small wedding and don't want a big fuss regardless!)

Problem is, Kate is probably expecting to be asked... Sometime before I got engaged (months ago, now), she made a joke about having to wear turquoise to my wedding. 

I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I've only seen Kate twice in the last year and that's why I'm really leaning toward Sarah. However, everytime I think about hurting Kate's feelings I get incredibly stressed out and my stomach feels like it's in knots. Having to tell Kate she isn't in my wedding is not a conversation I want to have (do I have to have it at all?), but I think I'm leaning toward Sarah. What would you do?

NYCMercedes

blushingbride1066 said:

I am newly engaged and my future husband and I have decided on 3 groomsmen and 3 bridesmaids.

I have 2 bridesmaids chosen: Sheila (best friend since 7th grade), Elizabeth (college roommate for 2 years, still regularly see each other)....and I'm truly struggling over the 3rd. I have 2 people I'm struggling to choose between...

Kate: I was in her wedding in April 2012, just a little over a year ago. We lived together for 3 years (and the two of us lived with Elizabeth for 2), she visited me in the hospital when I was ill years ago...but since graduating college, we've drifted. She lives an hour away, neither of us have made too much effort to stay in touch-- I'll try to text or facebook message her but she never responds (admittedly, I could call). Also when she met my boyfriend, he didn't particularly care for her and she liked him but thought he was a "bro." 

Sarah: We weren't as close in college but have kept in touch much better than Kate and I, we have a lot more in common...and she was one of the people I immediately called to tell after getting engaged. I feel bad but I didn't think to call Kate. Sarah would probably be more involved in dancing and socializing on the actual day of the wedding, but she lives far enough away that she may not be able to attend the shower or bachelorette party also (but I'm having a small wedding and don't want a big fuss regardless!)

Problem is, Kate is probably expecting to be asked... Sometime before I got engaged (months ago, now), she made a joke about having to wear turquoise to my wedding. 

I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I've only seen Kate twice in the last year and that's why I'm really leaning toward Sarah. However, everytime I think about hurting Kate's feelings I get incredibly stressed out and my stomach feels like it's in knots. Having to tell Kate she isn't in my wedding is not a conversation I want to have (do I have to have it at all?), but I think I'm leaning toward Sarah. What would you do?

First of all, if you want four, have four. Second, there are no BM jobs or duties or required events, so it doesn't matter where the girls live. All they have to do is show up for the wedding in the agreed upon dress and be relatively sober and pleasant. Finally, the only significant criterion is whether you could call them at 2:00 am to help you hide a body. If yes, they're in. If no, they should not be a BM. I'd choose both.

mysticl

You could just have Sheila and Elizabeth.  You don't have to match the sides.  I had a MOH and two bridesmaids.  DH had a best man and that was it.  But just from your post it sounds like Sarah is someone you want to be in your wedding.  

As for telling Kate she isn't in your wedding, you don't. The only time you would say anything is if she flat out asks you or attempts to insert herself into the wedding party. 

mysticl

NYCMercedes said:

blushingbride1066 said:

I am newly engaged and my future husband and I have decided on 3 groomsmen and 3 bridesmaids.

I have 2 bridesmaids chosen: Sheila (best friend since 7th grade), Elizabeth (college roommate for 2 years, still regularly see each other)....and I'm truly struggling over the 3rd. I have 2 people I'm struggling to choose between...

Kate: I was in her wedding in April 2012, just a little over a year ago. We lived together for 3 years (and the two of us lived with Elizabeth for 2), she visited me in the hospital when I was ill years ago...but since graduating college, we've drifted. She lives an hour away, neither of us have made too much effort to stay in touch-- I'll try to text or facebook message her but she never responds (admittedly, I could call). Also when she met my boyfriend, he didn't particularly care for her and she liked him but thought he was a "bro." 

Sarah: We weren't as close in college but have kept in touch much better than Kate and I, we have a lot more in common...and she was one of the people I immediately called to tell after getting engaged. I feel bad but I didn't think to call Kate. Sarah would probably be more involved in dancing and socializing on the actual day of the wedding, but she lives far enough away that she may not be able to attend the shower or bachelorette party also (but I'm having a small wedding and don't want a big fuss regardless!)

Problem is, Kate is probably expecting to be asked... Sometime before I got engaged (months ago, now), she made a joke about having to wear turquoise to my wedding. 

I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I've only seen Kate twice in the last year and that's why I'm really leaning toward Sarah. However, everytime I think about hurting Kate's feelings I get incredibly stressed out and my stomach feels like it's in knots. Having to tell Kate she isn't in my wedding is not a conversation I want to have (do I have to have it at all?), but I think I'm leaning toward Sarah. What would you do?

First of all, if you want forum have four. Second, there are no BM jobs or duties or required events, so it doesn't matter where the girls live. All they have to do is show up for the wedding in the agreed upon dress and be relatively sober and pleasant. Finally, the only significant criterion is whether you could call them at 2:00 am to help you hide a body. If yes, they're in. If no, they should be a BM. I'd choose both.

I know this gets used a lot but I disagree with it.  I had my teenage nieces as bridesmaids, I sure wouldn't call them to get me out of a jam.  It should be people you love and who love you.  

NYCMercedes

Yes, you're right.

JCbride2015

If you want both of them, just have both of them.  You don't need even sides.

One GM can take a girl on each arm during the recessional.

climbingsingle

blushingbride1066 said:

I am newly engaged and my future husband and I have decided on 3 groomsmen and 3 bridesmaids.

I have 2 bridesmaids chosen: Sheila (best friend since 7th grade), Elizabeth (college roommate for 2 years, still regularly see each other)....and I'm truly struggling over the 3rd. I have 2 people I'm struggling to choose between...

Kate: I was in her wedding in April 2012, just a little over a year ago. We lived together for 3 years (and the two of us lived with Elizabeth for 2), she visited me in the hospital when I was ill years ago...but since graduating college, we've drifted. She lives an hour away, neither of us have made too much effort to stay in touch-- I'll try to text or facebook message her but she never responds (admittedly, I could call). Also when she met my boyfriend, he didn't particularly care for her and she liked him but thought he was a "bro." 

Sarah: We weren't as close in college but have kept in touch much better than Kate and I, we have a lot more in common...and she was one of the people I immediately called to tell after getting engaged. I feel bad but I didn't think to call Kate. Sarah would probably be more involved in dancing and socializing on the actual day of the wedding, but she lives far enough away that she may not be able to attend the shower or bachelorette party also (but I'm having a small wedding and don't want a big fuss regardless!)

Problem is, Kate is probably expecting to be asked... Sometime before I got engaged (months ago, now), she made a joke about having to wear turquoise to my wedding. 

I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I've only seen Kate twice in the last year and that's why I'm really leaning toward Sarah. However, everytime I think about hurting Kate's feelings I get incredibly stressed out and my stomach feels like it's in knots. Having to tell Kate she isn't in my wedding is not a conversation I want to have (do I have to have it at all?), but I think I'm leaning toward Sarah. What would you do?

Seriously? Are you really considering who will dance more at the wedding? 

Well, clearly you should pick the girl that dances and socializes! Screw that other girl. She'll just sit in her seat. Who wants boring, un-fun bridesmaids? 

Maggie0829

Stop making pro and con lists for these two girls.  If you want both then have both and just get over the even sides thing.

I don't understand how picking a wedding party is so hard.  This should be probably one of the easiest decisions you make throughout the entire wedding planning process.  You should know that you want X, Y and Z up there with you.  If you are floundering with a decision then that means that you shouldn't ask that person.  Don't make this so difficult.

AddieCake

Yeah, I lost interest in your actual question when you mentioned who would dance and socialize more at the wedding. Now all I want to know is what kind of cake you're having. 

tammym1001

I think if you're struggling that much with who to pick as your third BM then you should only have two. I had 4 BM's and DH only had 1 GM. It worked out perfectly for us. There was no drama over anything because these were the people who would literally do anything for us and we would do the same for them. We all had a great time and our pictures still look amazing with uneven sides.