If I say it out, it all becomes real

missadoo2

So perhaps that may be my hesitation in posting anything introduction like and just peaking out from around the corner!

A little about me. My name is Melissa(42)and I have been with my boyfriend just about 4yrs. We have been living together for about 2 1/2. Combined we have 6 kids, 4 of them still living at home. Ranging in age from 21-8

We are doing things a little backwards from what may be considered traditional. We have already set our wedding date and will be officially announcing our engagement August 1st. So somewhere between now and then he plans on giving me a formal proposal. He insists on still giving me that special moment. He's the sweetest man and I am truly lucky to have him in my life.

Blackbird230

Sorry to tell you, but if you've set a date and both of you agree with it and know about it, you're already engaged. 

Blackbird230

LizzyTish88

missadoo2 said:

So perhaps that may be my hesitation in posting anything introduction like and just peaking out from around the corner!

A little about me. My name is Melissa(42)and I have been with my boyfriend just about 4yrs. We have been living together for about 2 1/2. Combined we have 6 kids, 4 of them still living at home. Ranging in age from 21-8

We are doing things a little backwards from what may be considered traditional. We have already set our wedding date and will be officially announcing our engagement August 1st. So somewhere between now and then he plans on giving me a formal proposal. He insists on still giving me that special moment. He's the sweetest man and I am truly lucky to have him in my life.

Just curious.. why are you waiting to "officially" announce it? Like @blackbird230 said, if you mutally agree that you are engaged and have set a date why do you need an announcement?

buddysmom80

missadoo2 said:

So perhaps that may be my hesitation in posting anything introduction like and just peaking out from around the corner!

A little about me. My name is Melissa(42)and I have been with my boyfriend just about 4yrs. We have been living together for about 2 1/2. Combined we have 6 kids, 4 of them still living at home. Ranging in age from 21-8

We are doing things a little backwards from what may be considered traditional. We have already set our wedding date and will be officially announcing our engagement August 1st. So somewhere between now and then he plans on giving me a formal proposal. He insists on still giving me that special moment. He's the sweetest man and I am truly lucky to have him in my life.

JIC

labro

missadoo2 said:

So perhaps that may be my hesitation in posting anything introduction like and just peaking out from around the corner!

A little about me. My name is Melissa(42)and I have been with my boyfriend just about 4yrs. We have been living together for about 2 1/2. Combined we have 6 kids, 4 of them still living at home. Ranging in age from 21-8

We are doing things a little backwards from what may be considered traditional. We have already set our wedding date and will be officially announcing our engagement August 1st. So somewhere between now and then he plans on giving me a formal proposal. He insists on still giving me that special moment. He's the sweetest man and I am truly lucky to have him in my life.

Agree with @Blackbird230 It sounds like you are already engaged since you've set a date. If it was that important for your FI to give you a formal proposal then why didn't he just do that? There's nothing wrong with waiting to announce your engagement but I don't get the...we're unofficially engaged until we "officially" announce it thing...

[Deleted User]

GoldenPenguin

southernpeach89 said:

DED.

Blackbird230

I just figured out how to get gifs in here finally...beware my fellow NEY ladies...beware.

missadoo2

Long story short is timing. Some major family stuff going on and the timing just has not been right to drop our news. My future mother in law is very ill and currently in the hospital. Add to that my kids just found out their Dad is engaged via Facebook. My 12yr old son has some pretty serious mental health problems(PTSD, Anxiety & Mood Disorder)

It will come as not big shock when we do tell people. The question gets asked constantly. We wanted to do a little pre planning first. The majority of my soon to be in laws live out of the country.

Blue & White

Also, I don't get the "we're not officially engaged until Aug 1" thing because well...here we go:

1) you're 13 years older than me, approximately.  Which means you likely have more life experience than me.  Use it responsibly.

2) That being said, you potentially have a kid that could be getting married soonish - don't you want to set a good example on a healthy relationship, engagement, marriage? Don't set the stage by lying about whether you're engaged.

Blackbird230

I don't understand why one of your son's mental issues, which will not change no matter when you announce the news, changes whether you are "officially" engaged. Also, sometimes good news like an engagement can bring up the spirits of those dealing with an illness in the family.

buddysmom80

missadoo2 said:

Long story short is timing. Some major family stuff going on and the timing just has not been right to drop our news. My future mother in law is very ill and currently in the hospital. Add to that my kids just found out their Dad is engaged via Facebook. My 12yr old son has some pretty serious mental health problems(PTSD, Anxiety & Mood Disorder)

It will come as not big shock when we do tell people. The question gets asked constantly. We wanted to do a little pre planning first. The majority of my soon to be in laws live out of the country.

Timing? Sometimes there is never the right time to announce an engagement, you know? Like your engagement announcement will cause a ripple in someone's pond so if you're waiting for the right time, you're going to wait forever.

I also don't get the planning the whole thing before announcing it. Seriously, we had all our major vendors booked by the end of December and got engaged the middle of December (I forgot the date.....whoops). So, it can be done. I know people who have planned their weddings in three months.

I think you need to take a step back and realize that what you're doing isn't the brightest thing in the world.

missadoo2

I simply said that is when we are telling people. It's matter of timing for the sake of that is the way it needs to be. My sons mental health problems are what they are and because there is a lot of turmoil going on regarding his Dad and my future mother in law being ill the advice given by his therapist was to given him time to adjust before dropping more big news on him.

buddysmom80

missadoo2 said:

I simply said that is when we are telling people. It's matter of timing for the sake of that is the way it needs to be. My sons mental health problems are what they are and because there is a lot of turmoil going on regarding his Dad and my future mother in law being ill the advice given by his therapist was to given him time to adjust before dropping more big news on him.

 

SITB:

In the meantime then, put the pre-planning on the backburner and be extra supportive to your son during this time in his life.

 

Blackbird230

missadoo2 said:

I simply said that is when we are telling people. It's matter of timing for the sake of that is the way it needs to be. My sons mental health problems are what they are and because there is a lot of turmoil going on regarding his Dad and my future mother in law being ill the advice given by his therapist was to given him time to adjust before dropping more big news on him.

You may want to consider putting the pre-planning on the backburner like @buddysmom80 suggested. An engagement announcement then a wedding August 1 is a lot of change.

loves2shop4shoes

I just think you're unnecessarily complicating something that isn't complicated.  You set a date?  Congratulations, you're engaged!

Your BF wants to "propose"?  Well, ok, but you're already engaged. 

You're waiting to tell everyone on August 1?  Will 3 weeks really make that much of a difference in your son's mental health?  Why not just come out with it before he finds out you've been hiding it from him, which could upset him more?

Just my .02.  You're making it complicated and it doesn't have to be.

missadoo2

Clearly this is not the right place for me. My introduction got turned into everything but a friendly welcome.

Just because I have chosen to take a different path then some of you does not make it any more wrong or right because it's not the way you would have done things. My children are my number 1 priority in life without question. Unless you have a child with mental illness don't be so quick to judge the how or why decisions are made.

Thanks for taking the time to actually getting to know me before telling me everything I'm doing is wrong.

bethsmiles

@ethereal219 's sane newbie post made me so happy and OP just ruined it!

OP - We're more than happy to get to know you but that doesn't mean we won't call you out on your shit. It's a part of being active in the community. We call each other out for our crazy, we aren't just going to let your's slide.

buddysmom80

missadoo2 said:

Clearly this is not the right place for me. My introduction got turned into everything but a friendly welcome.

Just because I have chosen to take a different path then some of you does not make it any more wrong or right because it's not the way you would have done things. My children are my number 1 priority in life without question. Unless you have a child with mental illness don't be so quick to judge the how or why decisions are made.

Thanks for taking the time to actually getting to know me before telling me everything I'm doing is wrong.

We're not putting you down, we're just giving you a different perspective.

Also, people don't have to have kids with mental illnesses to understand what's going on. I'm not a parent, but have a mental illness so I get what this kid is going through. Put him first and the stupid wedding stuff last. All you need to get married is a license, officiant, some witnesses and your BF, you don't need to plan some grand affair.

[Deleted User]

@missadoo2 -We have all taken very many different paths and some have taken paths that are similar to yours in that they waited to announce their engagement even though they already considered themselves engaged with or without a proposal. Do what you want....we are just trying to give you some advice from what we have all heard and experienced on these boards. We aren't being rude or mean. None of us are judging your parenting decisions either. We are just merely giving suggestions. I just posted a cat anyways so I don't know why you're all upset.

beanbot2002

OP I was all about to come in here and be like "Congrats! You're engaged!" and try to offer some advice on the parenting end...until you busted out the "WELL THANKS A LOT! WAAAAAH" 

Swazzle

GoldenPenguin

buddysmom80 said:

missadoo2 said:

Clearly this is not the right place for me. My introduction got turned into everything but a friendly welcome.

Just because I have chosen to take a different path then some of you does not make it any more wrong or right because it's not the way you would have done things. My children are my number 1 priority in life without question. Unless you have a child with mental illness don't be so quick to judge the how or why decisions are made.

Thanks for taking the time to actually getting to know me before telling me everything I'm doing is wrong.

We're not putting you down, we're just giving you a different perspective.

Also, people don't have to have kids with mental illnesses to understand what's going on. I'm not a parent, but have a mental illness so I get what this kid is going through. Put him first and the stupid wedding stuff last. All you need to get married is a license, officiant, some witnesses and your BF, you don't need to plan some grand affair.

THIS.

Yes, let's pull the "you don't know my life" card, and then have it backfire when you don't actually know what ANY of us have going on. 

Your move.

missadoo2

I don't mind being called out on anything, honestly. I don't mind questions either. Simply wanted to share my excitement about getting married was all.

loves2shop4shoes

Seriously OP? How do you know how familiar we are with mental illnesses? I have PTSD, Anxiety, and recurring Depression myself. I've got a cousin who's Bipolar, and my mother has a Borderline Personality Disorder. And that's just a very, very small sample of mental illnesses I am familiar with. My point still remains: you are over-complicating something very simple for no good reason.

bethsmiles

Seriously OP? Your previous posts make it pretty obvious you don't like people questioning you or calling you out. You basically threw a little hiss fit yelling "You don't know my life!"

buddysmom80

Pepperally

I'm not one to get caught up in labels as far as whether people think you are technically engaged or not...not my concern.  Not everything path is traditional and that's fine, call it whatever you'd like.

I actually do get why you are waiting to tell them the official news of engagement...I just think you should not have a set date in mind of when you are telling them.  Why not just wait and see how your son adjusts to what's going on now, and when you feel he is more stable then tell him/everyone.  But you can't determine when that will be. 

I don't see it as hiding anything...you're not going out and getting married today and then keeping it a secret...it's really just a plan at this point (unless I'm wrong and you're making actual wedding arrangements, then I'd say you are hiding things).  Just keep it on the backburner for now.  Sure, have your wedding date in mind but be willing to be flexible depending on how your son is doing.  I get that a lot of change and news and big things all at one time can impact his mental health.  If you are truly putting that first, then I would forego having an official date of telling them. 

Dignity100

I'm not sure how you're planning on telling people (by having a set date, it sounds like you're going to make a party of it), but I get the timing.  With your son, it sounds like it should be a one on one discussion so he can ask questions.  Perhaps even before you let others know so he has time to accept it and let the news sink in. 

Blue & White

@Dignity100 you make some excellent points.  There are horrendous ways to go about this.  I doubt you watch Switched at Birth because well...most people don't, but one of the characters on there just had a surprise wedding.  And surprise baby announcement.  On the same day.  Without warning his ex (who was there) or his son (who was also there.)  <--OP doesn't want to do that!

Also, I would second the one on one sit down discussion as opposed to an announcement.  I do much better with my anxiety if I get to ask questions and am not bombarded.

And I dunno, but...depending when the date is that you plan to get married, you might want to just see how the announcement/discussion goes before setting that in stone with deposits and such.