Yay...my FSIL/BM has TOLD us she's bringing a guest

jules3964

flantastic said:

An small, intimate wedding quickly becomes less intimate and less small when you start giving plus ones. If half your guest list gets SOs, then you have to invite them and you suck it up that you wedding isn't as small as you'd like. However, I think "I don't want to give plus ones that I don't have to give" is directly tied to "I want my wedding to be small and intimate."

Agreed.

I may be unique, but FI and I are having a small wedding and are prepared for every guest to bring a plus one if they'd like. We just wouldn't have it any other way. But to each their own.

PrettyGirlLost

lolo883 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

lolo883 said:

So on one hand, people say "once the ceremony is over, your wedding party is just guests so let them enjoy the reception as guests." On the other, people put the WP up on a pedestal when it comes to +1s for singles. Which is it? If they're really just guests, they should follow the same rules.

They aren't *just* guests. Your WP members are honored ppl in your life that you asked to stand up with you for your ceremony, and they typically spend much more personal time and money on your wedding than any other guest in attendance.

However, once the ceremony and pictures are over WTF is left for the wedding party to do? Nothing. I can't think of anything I was required to do as a BM after the ceremony in all of the 10+ weddings I've been in.

Just playing devil's advocate because there tend to be mixed messages being given here in regards to WPs. When people want them to sit at a head table (even with their SO), participate in a WP spotlight dance, miss the whole cocktail hour for photos, sometimes even be announced "paired off" BM+GM when they're not a couple, etc, the answer is "once the ceremony is over, they're just a regular guest." And I agree. Before the ceremony, the overwhelming sentiment is "all they have to do is show up in the outfit, no other obligations" and I agree with that too. The WP doesn't have shit else to do before or after the ceremony.

But then when it comes to giving single WP members dates, the overwhelming majority says "they're so special! they've done so much for you! they're not just guests! give them a +1 even if nobody else gets one." And that's where it gets sticky. Truth is, not everybody's WP is their nearest and dearest, especially when following the advice of "just don't rock the boat, the family drama isn't worth it." Not every WP does jack shit except for show up in their outfit. And that's OK. Right?

I have my FSIL as a BM too. She lives 1000 miles away, and is honestly a little loopy. She'll be my sister though, and I love her for that, and she's super excited to be part of the wedding. Has she done anything to help? No. Is she going above and beyond any other guest? No. And I don't expect her to. She's in the WP as a symbolic gesture, not because she's my BFF. She's single, so we followed the same rules for her as every other guest because at the end of the day, that's what she is. A guest. She'll know more people at my wedding than I do, and her BFF is dating FBIL. She will not be lonely. That being said though, if she asked to bring someone, we'd let her - in the name of not rocking the family boat.

I just don't think it's fair to assume that all WPs are our favorite people in the world, or going above and beyond any one else, in order to apply such a blanket rule to them. 

Wedding party members are special, and therefore should not be subjected to the rudeness of being forced to eat at the head table w/o their SOs, the indignity of being forced to dance together in a public spotlight dance that no one else cares to watch, be announced in pairs or announced period, because again no one really cares. All that stupidity after the ceremony and photos is unnecessary.

I personally don't think WP members can whine about missing cocktail hour and get a pass, because cocktail hour is for the other guests who aren't participating in pictures, and participating in pictures is the only other WP requirement besides showing up for the ceremony sober, dressed and on time.


Whether or not you love or even like your WP members- and I think it's totally odd to have ppl you aren't close to or like in your wedding- and whether or not your WP members help you with DIY shit or just show up, *just showing up* is still a greater personal expense to them in time and money than the other guests.

Other guests can wear whatever is already in their closet to your wedding, your WP members have to buy a dress/ rent a tux the majority of the time. Plus the cost of accessories, hair, makeup etc. When I go to a wedding I don't pay for pro hair or make up, but when I'm in a wedding I *have* to pay to have my hair done bc I am incapable of doing it.

WP members typically spend personal time and money to host pre wedding parties for you. Other guests may attend these events and buy you a gift, sure, but those guests can show up and then leave. The WP has to set up, decorate at times, host, then clean up.

Other guests just show up for the wedding. WP members have to be present for the rehearsal- a waste of time imo- the RD, the getting ready bs the morning of, the ceremony, pictures, etc.

But honestly, these are all just trees. The forest is that the OP is choosing to make a stand against her FIL'S behavior at the risk of damaging that relationship and others in her FI'S family, the one she is choosing to marry into, for the rest of their lives.

FSIL is an adult who is not going to change her behavior just because the OP puts her foot down. All that's going to happen is that she is going to get pissed, she's going to resent the OP, and there will be drama that will spread. Anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional.

That's great that her FI has her back right now, but is he going to have her back for the rest of their marriage while his wife is constantly at odds with his sister and mother? Because that constant conflict where he is stuck in the middle wears on a person.

The OP doesn't seem to be making a stand to me, but rather stamping her foot. . .Just like her FSIL.

LDay2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

So on one hand, people say "once the ceremony is over, your wedding party is just guests so let them enjoy the reception as guests." On the other, people put the WP up on a pedestal when it comes to +1s for singles. Which is it? If they're really just guests, they should follow the same rules.

They aren't *just* guests. Your WP members are honored ppl in your life that you asked to stand up with you for your ceremony, and they typically spend much more personal time and money on your wedding than any other guest in attendance. However, once the ceremony and pictures are over WTF is left for the wedding party to do? Nothing. I can't think of anything I was required to do as a BM after the ceremony in all of the 10+ weddings I've been in.

Just playing devil's advocate because there tend to be mixed messages being given here in regards to WPs. When people want them to sit at a head table (even with their SO), participate in a WP spotlight dance, miss the whole cocktail hour for photos, sometimes even be announced "paired off" BM+GM when they're not a couple, etc, the answer is "once the ceremony is over, they're just a regular guest." And I agree. Before the ceremony, the overwhelming sentiment is "all they have to do is show up in the outfit, no other obligations" and I agree with that too. The WP doesn't have shit else to do before or after the ceremony.

But then when it comes to giving single WP members dates, the overwhelming majority says "they're so special! they've done so much for you! they're not just guests! give them a +1 even if nobody else gets one." And that's where it gets sticky. Truth is, not everybody's WP is their nearest and dearest, especially when following the advice of "just don't rock the boat, the family drama isn't worth it." Not every WP does jack shit except for show up in their outfit. And that's OK. Right?

I have my FSIL as a BM too. She lives 1000 miles away, and is honestly a little loopy. She'll be my sister though, and I love her for that, and she's super excited to be part of the wedding. Has she done anything to help? No. Is she going above and beyond any other guest? No. And I don't expect her to. She's in the WP as a symbolic gesture, not because she's my BFF. She's single, so we followed the same rules for her as every other guest because at the end of the day, that's what she is. A guest. She'll know more people at my wedding than I do, and her BFF is dating FBIL. She will not be lonely. That being said though, if she asked to bring someone, we'd let her - in the name of not rocking the family boat.

I just don't think it's fair to assume that all WPs are our favorite people in the world, or going above and beyond any one else, in order to apply such a blanket rule to them. 

Wedding party members are special, and therefore should not be subjected to the rudeness of being forced to eat at the head table w/o their SOs, the indignity of being forced to dance together in a public spotlight dance that no one else cares to watch, be announced in pairs or announced period, because again no one really cares. All that stupidity after the ceremony and photos is unnecessary. I personally don't think WP members can whine about missing cocktail hour and get a pass, because cocktail hour is for the other guests who aren't participating in pictures, and participating in pictures is the only other WP requirement besides showing up for the ceremony sober, dressed and on time. Whether or not you love or even like your WP members- and I think it's totally odd to have ppl you aren't close to or like in your wedding- and whether or not your WP members help you with DIY shit or just show up, *just showing up* is still a greater personal expense to them in time and money than the other guests. Other guests can wear whatever is already in their closet to your wedding, your WP members have to buy a dress/ rent a tux the majority of the time. Plus the cost of accessories, hair, makeup etc. When I go to a wedding I don't pay for pro hair or make up, but when I'm in a wedding I *have* to pay to have my hair done bc I am incapable of doing it. WP members typically spend personal time and money to host pre wedding parties for you. Other guests may attend these events and buy you a gift, sure, but those guests can show up and then leave. The WP has to set up, decorate at times, host, then clean up. Other guests just show up for the wedding. WP members have to be present for the rehearsal- a waste of time imo- the RD, the getting ready bs the morning of, the ceremony, pictures, etc. But honestly, these are all just trees. The forest is that the OP is choosing to make a stand against her FIL'S behavior at the risk of damaging that relationship and others in her FI'S family, the one she is choosing to marry into, for the rest of their lives. FSIL is an adult who is not going to change her behavior just because the OP puts her foot down. All that's going to happen is that she is going to get pissed, she's going to resent the OP, and there will be drama that will spread. Anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional. That's great that her FI has her back right now, but is he going to have her back for the rest of their marriage while his wife is constantly at odds with his sister and mother? Because that constant conflict where he is stuck in the middle wears on a person. The OP doesn't seem to be making a stand to me, but rather stamping her foot. . .Just like her FSIL.

FYI to all this...you make me sound like some horrendously terrible person who is manipulating the situation.  FI was the one who said NO, I agreed with him, but we are on the same page. And yes you do marry someone's family as well, but that doesn't mean you have to like them all.  FI has had a very tumultuous relationship with his sister since they were children, I have not CHOSEN to alienate his sister, it's the family dynamic and they are oil and water.  If it was up to FI he would not have her come at all...but that's not right.

And I'm sorry that I don't give in to demanding behavior.  I don't with my kids either, they are learning that's not appropriate. 

lyndausvi

Every time I see this type of thread it just reminds that allowing all my guests to bring an SO/date/BFF/random-ho-of-the-week/companion/plus one/whatever-you-want-to-call-them- is one of the best choices I made.  I had NONE of these issues.  It was simply stress and drama I did not have to endure . 

  If they wanted to bring someone random ho? Fine.  They wanted to substitute their spouse/SO for someone else?  Fine.  They wanted to bring their boyfriend of 2 days? Great.  Can't wait to met them.  I didn't have to play the are they serious game.

Intimate or not the couple rarely spends much time with their guests on an individual level.  heck, I barely spent much time with my own husband at my own wedding.   I gave my guests a choice.  If they would feel more comfortable with a date/plus one/ whatever you want to call their companion for the night, I was all for it.  If they wanted to come alone, that was all for that too.  I will say about 50-60% of true singles did NOT bring a plus one.  The other 40-50% did.  

PrettyGirlLost

LDay2014 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

lolo883 said:

So on one hand, people say "once the ceremony is over, your wedding party is just guests so let them enjoy the reception as guests." On the other, people put the WP up on a pedestal when it comes to +1s for singles. Which is it? If they're really just guests, they should follow the same rules.

They aren't *just* guests. Your WP members are honored ppl in your life that you asked to stand up with you for your ceremony, and they typically spend much more personal time and money on your wedding than any other guest in attendance.

However, once the ceremony and pictures are over WTF is left for the wedding party to do? Nothing. I can't think of anything I was required to do as a BM after the ceremony in all of the 10+ weddings I've been in.

Just playing devil's advocate because there tend to be mixed messages being given here in regards to WPs. When people want them to sit at a head table (even with their SO), participate in a WP spotlight dance, miss the whole cocktail hour for photos, sometimes even be announced "paired off" BM+GM when they're not a couple, etc, the answer is "once the ceremony is over, they're just a regular guest." And I agree. Before the ceremony, the overwhelming sentiment is "all they have to do is show up in the outfit, no other obligations" and I agree with that too. The WP doesn't have shit else to do before or after the ceremony.

But then when it comes to giving single WP members dates, the overwhelming majority says "they're so special! they've done so much for you! they're not just guests! give them a +1 even if nobody else gets one." And that's where it gets sticky. Truth is, not everybody's WP is their nearest and dearest, especially when following the advice of "just don't rock the boat, the family drama isn't worth it." Not every WP does jack shit except for show up in their outfit. And that's OK. Right?

I have my FSIL as a BM too. She lives 1000 miles away, and is honestly a little loopy. She'll be my sister though, and I love her for that, and she's super excited to be part of the wedding. Has she done anything to help? No. Is she going above and beyond any other guest? No. And I don't expect her to. She's in the WP as a symbolic gesture, not because she's my BFF. She's single, so we followed the same rules for her as every other guest because at the end of the day, that's what she is. A guest. She'll know more people at my wedding than I do, and her BFF is dating FBIL. She will not be lonely. That being said though, if she asked to bring someone, we'd let her - in the name of not rocking the family boat.

I just don't think it's fair to assume that all WPs are our favorite people in the world, or going above and beyond any one else, in order to apply such a blanket rule to them. 

Wedding party members are special, and therefore should not be subjected to the rudeness of being forced to eat at the head table w/o their SOs, the indignity of being forced to dance together in a public spotlight dance that no one else cares to watch, be announced in pairs or announced period, because again no one really cares. All that stupidity after the ceremony and photos is unnecessary.

I personally don't think WP members can whine about missing cocktail hour and get a pass, because cocktail hour is for the other guests who aren't participating in pictures, and participating in pictures is the only other WP requirement besides showing up for the ceremony sober, dressed and on time.


Whether or not you love or even like your WP members- and I think it's totally odd to have ppl you aren't close to or like in your wedding- and whether or not your WP members help you with DIY shit or just show up, *just showing up* is still a greater personal expense to them in time and money than the other guests.

Other guests can wear whatever is already in their closet to your wedding, your WP members have to buy a dress/ rent a tux the majority of the time. Plus the cost of accessories, hair, makeup etc. When I go to a wedding I don't pay for pro hair or make up, but when I'm in a wedding I *have* to pay to have my hair done bc I am incapable of doing it.

WP members typically spend personal time and money to host pre wedding parties for you. Other guests may attend these events and buy you a gift, sure, but those guests can show up and then leave. The WP has to set up, decorate at times, host, then clean up.

Other guests just show up for the wedding. WP members have to be present for the rehearsal- a waste of time imo- the RD, the getting ready bs the morning of, the ceremony, pictures, etc.

But honestly, these are all just trees. The forest is that the OP is choosing to make a stand against her FIL'S behavior at the risk of damaging that relationship and others in her FI'S family, the one she is choosing to marry into, for the rest of their lives.

FSIL is an adult who is not going to change her behavior just because the OP puts her foot down. All that's going to happen is that she is going to get pissed, she's going to resent the OP, and there will be drama that will spread. Anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional.

That's great that her FI has her back right now, but is he going to have her back for the rest of their marriage while his wife is constantly at odds with his sister and mother? Because that constant conflict where he is stuck in the middle wears on a person.

The OP doesn't seem to be making a stand to me, but rather stamping her foot. . .Just like her FSIL.



FYI to all this...you make me sound like some horrendously terrible person who is manipulating the situation.  FI was the one who said NO, I agreed with him, but we are on the same page. And yes you do marry someone's family as well, but that doesn't mean you have to like them all.  FI has had a very tumultuous relationship with his sister since they were children, I have not CHOSEN to alienate his sister, it's the family dynamic and they are oil and water.  If it was up to FI he would not have her come at all...but that's not right.

And I'm sorry that I don't give in to demanding behavior.  I don't with my kids either, they are learning that's not appropriate. 

This isn't going to help his relationship with his sister either. I don't think my wedding day is the day I'd be trying to make a stand or statement if the ultimate goal is to avoid drama.

LittlePeachBlossom

I agree with PPs about just letting the fsil have a plus one. Doing so will give her NO reason to act up on your wedding day. Consider it a gift to yourselves. Just to offer a different perspective... what if this random person is really her girlfriend? Like legit Girlfriend. Just speculating but it's possible.

mrs4everhart

So you're choosing your wedding/reception as the perfect time to teach, what you've called an entitled bratty child-woman a "lesson" about being demanding while making her part of your wedding party to "mend fences" but you're refusing to make her feel welcome, comfortable, and are going to potentially set up a giant shit show of a scene that's potentially going to ruin your night? Good luck with that.

Because it's not going to be "her problem" when the friend arrives and there's no place setting for her. It's going to be yours or whoever is hosting this shindig. The restaurant staff is going to scramble to accommodate her and what are you going to do, stand up at your own reception and announce villainess-style to the poor waiter trying to shove a seat in at the corner of your table that your SIL is inconsiderate and therefor he must take the chair away immediately and banish the intruder while he's at it? That's not sure to be awkward and a mood killer. No one is liable to talk shit about THAT. And I'm sure those fences will be properly mended. FFS, just give her a plus-one and ignore her. 

MNVegas

LDay2014 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

So on one hand, people say "once the ceremony is over, your wedding party is just guests so let them enjoy the reception as guests." On the other, people put the WP up on a pedestal when it comes to +1s for singles. Which is it? If they're really just guests, they should follow the same rules.

They aren't *just* guests. Your WP members are honored ppl in your life that you asked to stand up with you for your ceremony, and they typically spend much more personal time and money on your wedding than any other guest in attendance. However, once the ceremony and pictures are over WTF is left for the wedding party to do? Nothing. I can't think of anything I was required to do as a BM after the ceremony in all of the 10+ weddings I've been in.

Just playing devil's advocate because there tend to be mixed messages being given here in regards to WPs. When people want them to sit at a head table (even with their SO), participate in a WP spotlight dance, miss the whole cocktail hour for photos, sometimes even be announced "paired off" BM+GM when they're not a couple, etc, the answer is "once the ceremony is over, they're just a regular guest." And I agree. Before the ceremony, the overwhelming sentiment is "all they have to do is show up in the outfit, no other obligations" and I agree with that too. The WP doesn't have shit else to do before or after the ceremony.

But then when it comes to giving single WP members dates, the overwhelming majority says "they're so special! they've done so much for you! they're not just guests! give them a +1 even if nobody else gets one." And that's where it gets sticky. Truth is, not everybody's WP is their nearest and dearest, especially when following the advice of "just don't rock the boat, the family drama isn't worth it." Not every WP does jack shit except for show up in their outfit. And that's OK. Right?

I have my FSIL as a BM too. She lives 1000 miles away, and is honestly a little loopy. She'll be my sister though, and I love her for that, and she's super excited to be part of the wedding. Has she done anything to help? No. Is she going above and beyond any other guest? No. And I don't expect her to. She's in the WP as a symbolic gesture, not because she's my BFF. She's single, so we followed the same rules for her as every other guest because at the end of the day, that's what she is. A guest. She'll know more people at my wedding than I do, and her BFF is dating FBIL. She will not be lonely. That being said though, if she asked to bring someone, we'd let her - in the name of not rocking the family boat.

I just don't think it's fair to assume that all WPs are our favorite people in the world, or going above and beyond any one else, in order to apply such a blanket rule to them. 

Wedding party members are special, and therefore should not be subjected to the rudeness of being forced to eat at the head table w/o their SOs, the indignity of being forced to dance together in a public spotlight dance that no one else cares to watch, be announced in pairs or announced period, because again no one really cares. All that stupidity after the ceremony and photos is unnecessary. I personally don't think WP members can whine about missing cocktail hour and get a pass, because cocktail hour is for the other guests who aren't participating in pictures, and participating in pictures is the only other WP requirement besides showing up for the ceremony sober, dressed and on time. Whether or not you love or even like your WP members- and I think it's totally odd to have ppl you aren't close to or like in your wedding- and whether or not your WP members help you with DIY shit or just show up, *just showing up* is still a greater personal expense to them in time and money than the other guests. Other guests can wear whatever is already in their closet to your wedding, your WP members have to buy a dress/ rent a tux the majority of the time. Plus the cost of accessories, hair, makeup etc. When I go to a wedding I don't pay for pro hair or make up, but when I'm in a wedding I *have* to pay to have my hair done bc I am incapable of doing it. WP members typically spend personal time and money to host pre wedding parties for you. Other guests may attend these events and buy you a gift, sure, but those guests can show up and then leave. The WP has to set up, decorate at times, host, then clean up. Other guests just show up for the wedding. WP members have to be present for the rehearsal- a waste of time imo- the RD, the getting ready bs the morning of, the ceremony, pictures, etc. But honestly, these are all just trees. The forest is that the OP is choosing to make a stand against her FIL'S behavior at the risk of damaging that relationship and others in her FI'S family, the one she is choosing to marry into, for the rest of their lives. FSIL is an adult who is not going to change her behavior just because the OP puts her foot down. All that's going to happen is that she is going to get pissed, she's going to resent the OP, and there will be drama that will spread. Anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional. That's great that her FI has her back right now, but is he going to have her back for the rest of their marriage while his wife is constantly at odds with his sister and mother? Because that constant conflict where he is stuck in the middle wears on a person. The OP doesn't seem to be making a stand to me, but rather stamping her foot. . .Just like her FSIL.

FYI to all this...you make me sound like some horrendously terrible person who is manipulating the situation.  FI was the one who said NO, I agreed with him, but we are on the same page. And yes you do marry someone's family as well, but that doesn't mean you have to like them all.  FI has had a very tumultuous relationship with his sister since they were children, I have not CHOSEN to alienate his sister, it's the family dynamic and they are oil and water.  If it was up to FI he would not have her come at all...but that's not right.

And I'm sorry that I don't give in to demanding behavior.  I don't with my kids either, they are learning that's not appropriate. 

Again it does not make any sense that you asked her to be part of your wedding party if her relationship with FI & you is so bad. If you had just given her a +1 from the start your FSIL would not be "demanding" to bring someone and you would not have to deal with the issue now. Using this as a teaching moment for an adult is pretty silly and comes off as quite controlling on your part.

rsbloom

As a backup plan, if FMIL or FSIL brings it up again, you can tell them that if they are determined to bring a random friend, they need to pay for it because it's not in your budget.  Then, you didn't give in to her demand, AND you offered a compromise.  

indianaalum

LDay2014 said:

MNVegas said:

I don't understand why you are not extending +1 to your wedding party members. I mean if it were a truly single guest I can understand that, but to not be considerate of your wedding party is another matter.

*SIB*

Why should we give her a plus one since she's truly single but then not give them to other people that are truly single? 

Because she is you care about here enough to have her in your wedding party. IMO, people who are single don't always feel comfortable being alone at weddings. If she is mentioning wanting to bring someone, perhaps that is her way of saying it makes her uncomfortable. It's one person, cut her some slack

indianaalum

sarahufl said:

I have a friend who refused her FSIL a guest and SEVEN YEARS LATER, her MIL and SIL still bring it up. 

It may just be worth it to let her bring someone. 

That's what people don't get. Some battles aren't worth the fight. In the end, let her have her way. It might just save you from a lifetime of arguments and turmoil. ONE PERSON isn't worth that stress.

Btw, OP soiunds like a lovely little peach herself, so I am sure that we can all give her a milllion reasons why it would be smart, and she still won't let that girl win.

To me, it seems like it is a "competition" between her and her SIL and she won't let SIL win....that is awfully selfish to put that on the fiance as well as it creates problems for HIM since it's his side of the family.... If you won't do it for HER, do it for HIM so he has less stress in the end as he will be the one to hear from his family who you are "heartless". Save him the headache if you love him

huskypuppy14

indianaalum said:

sarahufl said:

I have a friend who refused her FSIL a guest and SEVEN YEARS LATER, her MIL and SIL still bring it up. 

It may just be worth it to let her bring someone. 

That's what people don't get. Some battles aren't worth the fight. In the end, let her have her way. It might just save you from a lifetime of arguments and turmoil. ONE PERSON isn't worth that stress.

Btw, OP soiunds like a lovely little peach herself, so I am sure that we can all give her a milllion reasons why it would be smart, and she still won't let that girl win.

To me, it seems like it is a "competition" between her and her SIL and she won't let SIL win....that is awfully selfish to put that on the fiance as well as it creates problems for HIM since it's his side of the family.... If you won't do it for HER, do it for HIM so he has less stress in the end as he will be the one to hear from his family who you are "heartless". Save him the headache if you love him

Did you not read that her FI is in complete agreement with her. It's not cool to just blame the bride. She is the one on this website, but it's both their decision, and the OP said her FI doesn't want single people to have a plus ones because it's an intimate wedding. There is nothing wrong with that.

I agree that the OP came across as harsh at first, and I don't think she should have asked her FSIL to be in the wedding party, because it's obvious that neither her nor her FI is close with the sister.  I gave all my guests plus ones, because I didn't want to deal with stuff like this, and I didn't care,but it seems that this is a hill the OP wants to die on, and that's her decision. She's not doing anything against etiquette, so there is no need to vilify her. 

PrettyGirlLost

huskypuppy14 said:

indianaalum said:

sarahufl said:

I have a friend who refused her FSIL a guest and SEVEN YEARS LATER, her MIL and SIL still bring it up. 

It may just be worth it to let her bring someone. 

That's what people don't get. Some battles aren't worth the fight. In the end, let her have her way. It might just save you from a lifetime of arguments and turmoil. ONE PERSON isn't worth that stress.

Btw, OP soiunds like a lovely little peach herself, so I am sure that we can all give her a milllion reasons why it would be smart, and she still won't let that girl win.

To me, it seems like it is a "competition" between her and her SIL and she won't let SIL win....that is awfully selfish to put that on the fiance as well as it creates problems for HIM since it's his side of the family.... If you won't do it for HER, do it for HIM so he has less stress in the end as he will be the one to hear from his family who you are "heartless". Save him the headache if you love him

Did you not read that her FI is in complete agreement with her. It's not cool to just blame the bride. She is the one on this website, but it's both their decision, and the OP said her FI doesn't want single people to have a plus ones because it's an intimate wedding. There is nothing wrong with that.

I agree that the OP came across as harsh at first, and I don't think she should have asked her FSIL to be in the wedding party, because it's obvious that neither her nor her FI is close with the sister.  I gave all my guests plus ones, because I didn't want to deal with stuff like this, and I didn't care,but it seems that this is a hill the OP wants to die on, and that's her decision. She's not doing anything against etiquette, so there is no need to vilify her. 

She's not being vilified. People are trying to point out that just because she and her FI are in the right from an etiquette standpoint, they arent doing themselves any favors in the family relations department, and this is a silly power struggle to be having on their wedding day which will likely create far more drama than its worth and it frankly makes OP and her FI look petty.

lazykat9

Alternatives to WWIII, family version:

1.  Tell her you had invited another guest with her in mind and had hoped to introduce them at your wedding.

2.  Allow her to bring the GF.  Then watch as everyone asks FSIL and GF repeatedly how long they've been seeing each other.  Extra joy if someone calls the new GF by an old GF's name.

3.  Remind her that if other guests see her with a date, they will assume she's in a serious relationship and she may miss being introduced to her soulmate by a new "mutual friend"

In all seriousness, have her brother or mother be the heavy.  They simply repeat, "This is not about you" until she gets it or gets tired of it.

JellyBean52513

Just to respond to your description of her as an adult child: if she's already an adult but still acts with the maturity level of a child, there's probably not a damn thing you can ever do to her that will get her to change. I watched a 60-something year old woman cry tears of frustration last week because the owner of the business I work at wouldn't honor her check when we specifically have a "no personal checks" policy, which she knows well as a patron of over 35 years. This woman accused us of treating her "unfairly" and embarrassing her by not taking her check to the point that she was pushed to tears. This woman is also extremely affluent, has rarely ever been told no, and still gets accommodated whenever she expects it. 60-something years old, throwing a temper tantrum for not getting her way. Your FSIL won't learn *anything* by you not allowing her a guest except that you're a mean, heartless bitch and god you're awful and your wedding will suck and she'll probably complain about anything she can think to bring up for a long time after the wedding just to make you miserable for not giving in to her. Etiquette-wise, you aren't technically doing anything wrong. But here's one of my favorite quotes: when you have to choose between being right and being kind, always choose to be kind. ETA this is advice for both you and your FI, since you're both on the same page about this. But since he is her brother, you will most likely get most of the blame.

ashleyep

lyndausvi said:

Every time I see this type of thread it just reminds that allowing all my guests to bring an SO/date/BFF/random-ho-of-the-week/companion/plus one/whatever-you-want-to-call-them- is one of the best choices I made.  I had NONE of these issues.  It was simply stress and drama I did not have to endure . 

  If they wanted to bring someone random ho? Fine.  They wanted to substitute their spouse/SO for someone else?  Fine.  They wanted to bring their boyfriend of 2 days? Great.  Can't wait to met them.  I didn't have to play the are they serious game.

Intimate or not the couple rarely spends much time with their guests on an individual level.  heck, I barely spent much time with my own husband at my own wedding.   I gave my guests a choice.  If they would feel more comfortable with a date/plus one/ whatever you want to call their companion for the night, I was all for it.  If they wanted to come alone, that was all for that too.  I will say about 50-60% of true singles did NOT bring a plus one.  The other 40-50% did.  

We did this too. But we invited 190 people, not 26. Most single guests didn't bring a +1 - our final count is 142. But if I had only invited 26 people I wouldn't invite +1s either. Especially for siblings of the bride or groom - it's not like they won't know anyone else!

To say that they're you're nearest and dearest and did all this stuff for you so they deserve a +1 is kind of crap. You've already thanked them by giving them a gift for being in your bridal party. You fed them after the rehearsal to thank you for giving up their evening. They're not owed anything special at the reception.

[Deleted User]

I was asked by a pretty casual friend to be his date to his sister's wedding, very last-minute. I tried declining because the wedding was on a Friday and I had just started a new job that Monday so no time off.

I told him I'd only be able to come to the reception and that didn't feel right to me. Also, I was on crutches with a broken bone in my foot. But he whined and I didn't have the spine at the time to say no.

So I went to the reception only and sat at the family table (his parents, a soon to be BIL, aunts and uncles, etc.) with a bunch of people I didn't know while he sat at the head table. I was bored out of my skull.

When I sat down, they also took my crutches away from me and put them 50 feet away and when the dancing started they all fled to the next room over and I had to ask some random guy to get my crutches for me.

My date brought me one drink and I sat on a chair by myself because I couldn't dance. I was miserable.

Just saying that sometimes being a plus one sucks.