Worst wedding guests ever? ......or just way too snarky??

afaber24

Okay, I just have to snark/vent about a no-show couple from our wedding last week.

One of my husband's (yay! first time writing that!) friends from work and his wife were invited to our wedding. They had talked about the wedding several times and knew that they were invited well before invitations went out. The couple lives locally and said that they were definitely in for the wedding, RSVP'd, picked their meals, talked to then FI about how excited they were to go, etc. They no showed because......They didn't have anything to wear. Seriously!?!?! This is what the guy texted to another one of DH's colleagues who attended our wedding. Really....DH read the text. Of course we don't know this for sure because the guy hasn't even tried to reach out to DH even though the wedding was over a week ago. Our wedding was not black tie. A dress shirt, slacks, and a cocktail dress was all they needed.

We had 5 total no shows out of 208 people (which I thought was pretty awesome!). All of the other couples had legit reasons for not attending and contacted us either the day of the wedding or the day after to apologize.

 (Okay here's the tough part) This couple had a house fire about 3 months ago. Terrible situation. DH helped clean up after said fire, contributed to a donation for them, and their company really helped out the family as well. This happened before our invitations went out and about 2 months before RSVP's were due.

After the fire H asked his colleague again if they still planned to come to the wedding (they RSVP'd 'yes' about 2 months after the fire & 3 weeks before the wedding). They told H "Yes, of course. We're really looking forward to a nice night out". Then they sent a text to another guy saying "Can't make it after all, we don't have anything to wear". What!?!? They didn't realize that the day before the wedding? Or better yet, 5 days before when I could have changed our head count?? Also.....he works for a big retail company that sells dress clothes!

This is a younger couple who had a big nice wedding less than 6 years ago. How could they not realize how shady it is to no show? Also, they have kids...why didn't they just lie and say a kid was sick?? I wouldn't even question that!

Sorry if I come off completely insensitive. Just bummed that people can be so inconsiderate and that we're out the $160+ for their dinner and open bar.

The wedding went off splendidly though! We had an amazing time and loved every second!

banana468

It's a dumb thing to say and it does sound like a bullshit excuse.

peachy13

I don't think you're being snarky; they were extremely rude to have you expecting they'd be there and then they don't show. They reach out to a fellow wedding guest about their poor "excuse" and then haven't even reached out to you to explain and/or apologize. They do seem like nice people so I would hope that they'd contact you soon with a big explanation/apology. If not, then sadly they might just be showing their true colors here.

FiancB

Ugh that's dumb. Why make an excuse at all when that's all you can come up with? 

We had two couples no-show. One was an aunt and uncle of FI's that we didn't really want to invite because his dad hates them, but felt we should and they probably wouldn't show anyway. When they RSVP'd yes we panicked and were very careful to make a seating chart and all that stuff. Then they didn't show anyway. They told FI's other uncle and grandma that we live with later that they didn't feel up to it, which is legit as the uncle has lung cancer, but still people. It's called a phone. 

The other was FI's cousin and his wife. RSVP'd yes. Didn't show, no call, no explanation, no card or anything. This is the son of the uncle that we live with and he is livid with them. They are just kind of dumbasses all around. I guess there has to be somebody at every wedding. 4/75 isn't doing too bad, but I was surprised. 

Marzipan13

I think you're totally justified in snarking, especially since they RSVP'd saying they'd be there.  If I were in the same situation, I'd be much happier to have them there not dressed in "wedding" attire than for them to just... not show.  

littlemushroom

Is it possible that they were expecting insurance money to come through earlier and it was delayed for some reason?  I have friends who were given a time frame for receiving insurance money and it kept getting pushed back for some reason or another.  They eventually got it 3 months after they were told they would "definitely" have it.

Honestly, a cocktail dress is the last thing I would think of replacing after a house fire.  If they aren't required to wear dress clothes to work, then they likely haven't replaced those yet regardless of who his employer is.  That money could better be spent on essentials.  I know FI and I do not own anything "wedding appropriate" like you described and we haven't had to just replace all of our possessions.

climbingsingle

Yeah, that sounds like a BS excuse. They didn't realize the clothes situation until that day?? I think you're totally justified in snarking. 

RebeccaFlower

NikkiJay3333 said:

Is it possible that they were expecting insurance money to come through earlier and it was delayed for some reason?  I have friends who were given a time frame for receiving insurance money and it kept getting pushed back for some reason or another.  They eventually got it 3 months after they were told they would "definitely" have it.

Honestly, a cocktail dress is the last thing I would think of replacing after a house fire.  If they aren't required to wear dress clothes to work, then they likely haven't replaced those yet regardless of who his employer is.  That money could better be spent on essentials.  I know FI and I do not own anything "wedding appropriate" like you described and we haven't had to just replace all of our possessions.

I'm in this camp. I get being annoyed, but I think with their circumstances, it sounds like the legit didn't know what to do. If they really wanted to lie, they would have come up with a better excuse and maybe they didn't have the money for new clothes ($200), a baby sitter ($50), and a gift (???). 

afaber24

You're totally right NikkiJay, we thought attending a wedding would be the last thing they were interested in. Which is why DH asked them over two weeks before the wedding if they still planned to attend. Wouldn't that have been the appropriate time to say. "Well maybe not, I'm not sure if we'll have clothes/our insurance money". We gave them an out and they decided to just blow us off.

emmaaa

Congrats on the wedding! I'm sorry about the no show but I'm sure money is tight for them and they were probably too embarrassed to say anything ahead of time...still stings though!

loveislouder

As long as you're not planning on confronting the or anything, rant away.  Ranting is good for the soul

tammym1001

As a person who lived through a house fire, I do have to say it may not be their fault. I had mostly smoke damage, but a company came and took all of my belongings made of fabric away to clean them. I was told it would take a few weeks. The insurance company gave me a few hundred dollars to buy 5 or 6 outfits and some basics in the meantime. It ended up taking them 2 1/2 months to get my clothes back to me. I certainly wasn't in any shape to go out and buy new clothes at that point as I wasn't even living in my house. Perhaps they were waiting on something like this and they kept getting pushed back by the companies they are dealing with to replace or clean their things. 

It sucks that they didn't show up, but having been through what they have I can tell you that a lot of my life at that time was determined by other people and it was very difficult for me. I would have tried to make it to a friend's wedding too, but sometimes stuff happens.

CrazyCatLady3

emmaaa said:

Congrats on the wedding! I'm sorry about the no show but I'm sure money is tight for them and they were probably too embarrassed to say anything ahead of time...still stings though!

If that were the reason and they were too embarrassed, they could have said a family obligation came up.  Or...maybe they could have borrowed something to wear from a friend or family member?

emmaaa

CrazyCatLady3 said:

emmaaa said:

Congrats on the wedding! I'm sorry about the no show but I'm sure money is tight for them and they were probably too embarrassed to say anything ahead of time...still stings though!

If that were the reason and they were too embarrassed, they could have said a family obligation came up.  Or...maybe they could have borrowed something to wear from a friend or family member?

You're definitely right. I do think the approach was odd just offering a different perspective. I would be a little hurt also and would want to snark as well.

mysticl

afaber24 said:

You're totally right NikkiJay, we thought attending a wedding would be the last thing they were interested in. Which is why DH asked them over two weeks before the wedding if they still planned to attend. Wouldn't that have been the appropriate time to say. "Well maybe not, I'm not sure if we'll have clothes/our insurance money". We gave them an out and they decided to just blow us off.

They may not have been thinking about the clothes situation.  Or they thought they had clothes and when they went to their closet realized that outfit they were planning to wear had been destroyed.  I've gone looking for something and then realized I got rid of it but up until the moment I couldn't find it I was convinced I still owned it.  

Simply Fated

I don't think they're the worst guests ever, but it was pretty awful of them to just decide not to show up.
My first thought was that they were giving this other guest a bullshit excuse because their real excuse is even more embarrassing. Something like, they felt they couldn't afford a gift or something.
It could be nothing, but it could be something.

syoun1nj

Well, I think it's a silly excuse, as I'm sure you would have preferred them to show up in whatever clothes they had available then just no-show. But if they had this house fire and lost all their nice clothes, maybe they were embarrassed to show up in everyday type clothes and didn't want to admit that to you (knowing you'd say "wear whatever and just come!").

rocklibsta24

In my own opinion, I think it's best to just take a deep breath and let it go. It's obvious that you are upset because of their poor excuse for not showing up and are upset by the fact that they could have easily told you in advance that they would not make it and it would have saved money. As someone who has also lost their home to a fire, I know that these circumstances are seriously draining. They take a lot of time, energy, and money to bounce back from. It's very possible that they just figured they would have enough time/energy/money to make it, but in the end did not. I think it is in your best interest to just let it go. Sure, they had a weak excuse for not making it, but in the end what matters most about your wedding is if you're married and happy at the end of the day.

RebeccaFlower

rocklibsta24 said:

In my own opinion, I think it's best to just take a deep breath and let it go. It's obvious that you are upset because of their poor excuse for not showing up and are upset by the fact that they could have easily told you in advance that they would not make it and it would have saved money. As someone who has also lost their home to a fire, I know that these circumstances are seriously draining. They take a lot of time, energy, and money to bounce back from. It's very possible that they just figured they would have enough time/energy/money to make it, but in the end did not. I think it is in your best interest to just let it go. Sure, they had a weak excuse for not making it, but in the end what matters most about your wedding is if you're married and happy at the end of the day.

I'm with this. I can't imagine loosing everything. The more I think about it, I think you need to be more understanding. 

melbenso

Totally frustrating. We had a few cancellations after we gave the final head count, but at least they came up with good excuses. One couple couldn't get a sitter, and didn't want to bring their daughter, even though we extended the offer - they thought she was too little and would get antsy and disruptive. One friend had a family emergency. One friend's husband was sick, so she came alone. One friend broke up with her boyfriend the week before, so she came alone. My guess is that coping with the house fire was just too much for them, and figuring out what to wear when all of your possessions had been destroyed just became too overwhelming.

ohannabelle

I guess I just don't feel it's that heinous, given the circumstances. 

It sounds like they really intended to go, and my guess is the reality of dressing for a wedding hit them after they said yes. If they lost everything, and are dealing with that, simply pulling together two nice outfits could be financially really stressful. And the, oh, you could just wear anything attitude is kind, but I would really hate to be at a wedding feeling awkward and uncomfortable and underdressed. 

I'd assume the effort of at least a full day of shopping just to have appropriate outfits, not to mention a gift, at a time when they're not just financially but emotionally stressed, was just too much. 

I wouldn't even think twice before I let this go. 

hellosweetie1015

NikkiJay3333 said:

Is it possible that they were expecting insurance money to come through earlier and it was delayed for some reason?  I have friends who were given a time frame for receiving insurance money and it kept getting pushed back for some reason or another.  They eventually got it 3 months after they were told they would "definitely" have it.

Honestly, a cocktail dress is the last thing I would think of replacing after a house fire.  If they aren't required to wear dress clothes to work, then they likely haven't replaced those yet regardless of who his employer is.  That money could better be spent on essentials.  I know FI and I do not own anything "wedding appropriate" like you described and we haven't had to just replace all of our possessions.

This. So much this. I live with my parents. I had just moved home when we had a house fire in March. We have, as of TODAY, just barely gotten enough insurance money to replace our fridge, washer/dryer, and SOME essential clothes in order for my mom and I to work and not look like slobs, for my dad to wear while he does whatever it is he does during the day, and for my sister to attend school - she was at the house and discovered the fire, and all she had on was a pair of knockoff-Nike shorts and a hand-me-down t-shirt. She didn't even have on shoes. I am sleeping in the bed with my mom, because she had bought the bed she has now before the fire but the person she purchased it from needed it until May. My dad is on a mattress that was purchased around the same time I was born, and my sister is sleeping on an air mattress. We don't have a kitchen table, or a dining room table, or really anywhere to sit down while we eat yet. Our living room furniture consists of stuff my mother doesn't intend to keep, but since we haven't got anything else it's better than a bare living room (actually, not really).

The first time FI came to see my parents' beautiful new house, I spent the entire day before crying because we were going to be sleeping on an air mattress, under a hand-me-down quilt, and we'd be lucky to find a place to sit. My mother thought I was embarrassed of the family and the house; I am just embarrassed that we had such nice stuff in March and now we literally do not have jack shit.

If we had a wedding to go to today, my mom, dad, 17 year old sister, and I would have to decide whether to go and look like absolute hobos and have somebody judgey say something (because there are those type of judgey people in my circle), or not go at all. We would certainly not be so rude as to not tell you our plans had changed, but PLEASE do not say that their lack of what they felt to be appropriate clothing is any part of the issue here. The issue is entirely their rudeness in not telling you that their plans had changed. 

Viczaesar

mysticl said:

afaber24 said:

You're totally right NikkiJay, we thought attending a wedding would be the last thing they were interested in. Which is why DH asked them over two weeks before the wedding if they still planned to attend. Wouldn't that have been the appropriate time to say. "Well maybe not, I'm not sure if we'll have clothes/our insurance money". We gave them an out and they decided to just blow us off.

They may not have been thinking about the clothes situation.  Or they thought they had clothes and when they went to their closet realized that outfit they were planning to wear had been destroyed.  I've gone looking for something and then realized I got rid of it but up until the moment I couldn't find it I was convinced I still owned it.  

Having worked with a lot of clients who have had house fires, I have seen this happen several times.

Wegl13

I'm seconding everyone that says they probably didn't even think of it until the day of the wedding. This is from someone that has had to quickly find clothes for such events, including funerals, and came to find that the standby black dress is too small (wtf) or covered with mold... Hours before I have to wear it. Wearing a tight black dress makes me feel like a hooker which isn't really appropriate for such events. And honest to goodness, it is depressing as hell to be underdressed for a wedding. You are sitting there in your own unfancy judgy pants and wishing you had anything decent. Clothes ain't cheap. So I might have done the same thing even sans house fire, because I've gained weight and my clothes don't fit.

April192002

They probably felt like, for whatever reason it actually was, it was legit but they could have at least told you (or your DH). Even if it were after the final headcount was needed, and you would have still been out that money, that would have been the polite thing to do.

simcal18

They should have told you beforehand that they weren't able to come, but they're clearly still dealing with the aftereffects of a pretty serious life trauma. Calling them the "worst wedding guests ever" is some major hyperbole.

afaber24

We totally realize that they've been dealing with a really tough situation, which is why I feel bad snarking. However, we STILL have not heard one word directly from them. And if they were embarrassed about not being able to dress appropriately why would they bring another colleague into the mix by texting him instead of DH directly? If I was embarrassed about something like this I certainly wouldn't include more people in the conversation.

There's just so many more appropriate actions they could have taken.

Thank goodness I never really see them because I don't think I'd be able to hide my strong opinion of them.

tammym1001

afaber24 said:

We totally realize that they've been dealing with a really tough situation, which is why I feel bad snarking. However, we STILL have not heard one word directly from them. And if they were embarrassed about not being able to dress appropriately why would they bring another colleague into the mix by texting him instead of DH directly? If I was embarrassed about something like this I certainly wouldn't include more people in the conversation.

There's just so many more appropriate actions they could have taken.

Thank goodness I never really see them because I don't think I'd be able to hide my strong opinion of them.

DH and I had to cancel on a wedding once. We had a family emergency. We let one of our friends know that was going to the wedding so they could mention it to the bride and groom if they asked. There was no way I was going to bother the bride on her wedding day to tell her that I couldn't come. It would have been too late at that point for them to change their catering numbers so all I would have accomplished was bothering her while she was getting ready for her wedding. This could have been why they let a colleague know instead of your DH. They didn't want to bother him on their wedding day.

buttercup1958

afaber24 I don't think I would text you either. You seem judgmental and harsh. They have been through a traumatic experience. Let it go. You can't change anything so there's no point for harping about it. It sucks you lost out on money but most weddings have at least one no show.  

bucksgirl414

My first wedding I had 15 No shows..... I understand you being upset ITS RUDE AND Inconsiderate

KatieinBkln

Eh, I don't think you're being TOO harsh. Whether or not they really and truly didn't have anything to wear, adults RSVP, adults plan ahead, and adults should recognize an "out" when it's given to them. Adults certainly call someone up after the fact to say, "I am so sorry we couldn't make it to the wedding. We had an emergency, but I heard it was just beautiful and we're so happy for you."

This is what I don't actually understand about human interactions, whether it's bailing on plans with friends or flaking on something huge like a wedding: You don't owe anyone your life story, or even an excuse. You owe them an apology for being absent, but that's it. Don't fuck up the apology with a bullshit excuse or a long, drawn out sob story. "There was an emergency" is all the vague reasoning you need. Sure, the person who you're flaking on will be curious, but ultimately it's not anyone's business. By making lame excuses, all people do is make others respect them less because they couldn't even own their own decision not to come.