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Ceremony and Vow Ideas

How long is just right?

2

Re: How long is just right?

  • For a wedding ceremony, unless it's a Catholic mass or some other religious ceremony, I think 20-30 minutes is a good limit.

    In your situation, for a vow renewal, I think the shorter the better since you are married. I don't think 15 minutes is too long, but I wouldn't have it any longer than that. 
    We will not be treating this as a vow renewal. It will be laid out like a secular wedding ceremony, as that is what it is for us. There's nothing to renew because we haven't vowed anything yet. I would like it to come in around the 15 minute mark, although we were advised by an officiant on another site it should be 18 minutes of speaking. I'm not planning to search for filler. So 15 minutes is the ultimate goal if it's over or under by a couple minutes, so be it, but even I'd get antsy over 20!
    If there's nothing to renew, then you're not doing a vow renewal. And you're definitely not doing a wedding ceremony since you're married. 

    If this is the case, I would keep it to exactly 0 minutes, skip the theater and go right to the party.
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    Liatris2010PrettyGirlLostpenguin44holyguacamole79
  • PDKH said:

    Here's what I don't get. 


    You like to go on and on about how it's your wedding for you, your truth, haven't vowed anything (although - can you say, delusional? If you and your husband broke up tomorrow, heaven forbid, I'd love to watch you go tell a judge or anyone else that you were never married), etc. 

    Ok fine. It's your truth; it's what's meaningful for you. You have made that decision. 

    Why can you not extend the courtesy to your guests to make that same decision on whether they see it as your one true wedding or as a bizarre vow renewal gone tacky? Why lie? You got to make the decision on your truth; why not let everyone else do the same?

    We wouldn't have told a soul if the people who do know wouldn't have known or figured it out. For example, my Mom. She was very involved in Mr. E's health scare as she has a medical background. She knew at one point he was uninsured. If all of the sudden he *poof* had insurance I think that would raise her eyebrows a bit. Or my best friends, who are married (to each other) - one of whom is my boss. He was privy to my benefits paperwork. Kind of hard to keep that private in that case. The fact that my Mom encouraged this situation and that our BFF's did something very similar when they got married in MX last year means we're not constantly discussing.

    The fact that we were going to take care of the paperwork prior to MX wasn't a secret. It just wasn't advertised or printed on our wedding invitation either. We're not going out of our way to bring it up. If no one asks, great. And thus far, no one has. If they do we've never planned to tell anyone our MX wedding was/is legally binding. Our answer has always been planned as, "we didn't appreciate the cost or hoops we had to jump through, so we took care of it before we left CO. Have you tried the bean dip, it's delicious."

    There is no reason for us to discuss the legal particulars with our guests. No one asked a thing about it at my first wedding and the license signing was done out of view of our guests. Not sure why it's going to come up this time?


  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    PDKH said:
    Here's what I don't get. 

    You like to go on and on about how it's your wedding for you, your truth, haven't vowed anything (although - can you say, delusional? If you and your husband broke up tomorrow, heaven forbid, I'd love to watch you go tell a judge or anyone else that you were never married), etc. 

    Ok fine. It's your truth; it's what's meaningful for you. You have made that decision. 

    Why can you not extend the courtesy to your guests to make that same decision on whether they see it as your one true wedding or as a bizarre vow renewal gone tacky? Why lie? You got to make the decision on your truth; why not let everyone else do the same?


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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 I'm Canadian, eh! member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    A judge doesn't give two craps what vows you gave at divorce court.  You're married and planning a PPD.  If you want to make this all magical and wonderful fine, but don't reenact the wedding you wish you had.  Call it anything else besides a wedding because you already had yours.

    I hope your husband is recovering well and I am sorry to hear about his health scare.  I'm glad you were there to help him when he needed you most, but he is your husband, not your fiance.  

    ETF words.
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  • A judge doesn't give two craps what vows you gave at divorce court.  You're married and planning a PPD.  If you want to make this all magical and wonderful fine, but don't reenact the wedding you wish you had.  Call it anything else besides a wedding because you already had yours.


    I hope your husband is recovering well and I am sorry to hear about his health scare.  I'm glad you were there to help him when he needed you most, but he is your husband, not your fiance.  

    ETF words.
    If you were in my position you would be welcome to refer to whatever and whomever however you'd like.

    But I'll be referring to my upcoming wedding as my wedding because that's exactly what it is.

    Signing papers were for the sole purpose at the time to procure insurance. That license might as well have been insurance paperwork. We'll let their legality stand once we have the ceremony that is meaningful to us.

    I'm not reenacting the wedding I wish I had. We're HAVING the wedding we want instead!


  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    A judge doesn't give two craps what vows you gave at divorce court.  You're married and planning a PPD.  If you want to make this all magical and wonderful fine, but don't reenact the wedding you wish you had.  Call it anything else besides a wedding because you already had yours.

    I hope your husband is recovering well and I am sorry to hear about his health scare.  I'm glad you were there to help him when he needed you most, but he is your husband, not your fiance.  

    ETF words.
    If you were in my position you would be welcome to refer to whatever and whomever however you'd like. But I'll be referring to my upcoming wedding as my wedding because that's exactly what it is. Signing papers were for the sole purpose at the time to procure insurance. That license might as well have been insurance paperwork. We'll let their legality stand once we have the ceremony that is meaningful to us. I'm not reenacting the wedding I wish I had. We're HAVING the wedding we want instead!
    Do you have any gay or lesbian friends?  Because if you do I am sure they would love to hear your take on what that "piece of paper that may of well have been insurance paperwork" really means to you.

    suorangePrettyGirlLostashleyep


  • A judge doesn't give two craps what vows you gave at divorce court.  You're married and planning a PPD.  If you want to make this all magical and wonderful fine, but don't reenact the wedding you wish you had.  Call it anything else besides a wedding because you already had yours.


    I hope your husband is recovering well and I am sorry to hear about his health scare.  I'm glad you were there to help him when he needed you most, but he is your husband, not your fiance.  

    ETF words.
    If you were in my position you would be welcome to refer to whatever and whomever however you'd like.

    But I'll be referring to my upcoming wedding as my wedding because that's exactly what it is.

    Signing papers were for the sole purpose at the time to procure insurance. That license might as well have been insurance paperwork. We'll let their legality stand once we have the ceremony that is meaningful to us.

    I'm not reenacting the wedding I wish I had. We're HAVING the wedding we want instead!


    Do you have any gay or lesbian friends?  Because if you do I am sure they would love to hear your take on what that "piece of paper that may of well have been insurance paperwork" really means to you.

    As a matter of fact I do. And they all know exactly where I stand on gay marriage. I want them to have the exact same rights as straight people. Which would include thinking and feeling about their own marriage however they see fit, and the ability to go about getting married however they damn well please. I don't feel that what Mr. E and I are doing should be only open to straight people.

    If gay people want to sign their license on one day and have a ceremony another, Mazel Tov. If they don't get the warm fuzzies about their license that is a prerogative I feel they should have the right to.

    And because gay people are the exact same in my mind and heart as everyone else, they have a right to their feelings about my feelings, but it won't be changing anything because this is one of those instances I'm not taking votes or opinions, it is what it is.


  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    A judge doesn't give two craps what vows you gave at divorce court.  You're married and planning a PPD.  If you want to make this all magical and wonderful fine, but don't reenact the wedding you wish you had.  Call it anything else besides a wedding because you already had yours.

    I hope your husband is recovering well and I am sorry to hear about his health scare.  I'm glad you were there to help him when he needed you most, but he is your husband, not your fiance.  

    ETF words.
    If you were in my position you would be welcome to refer to whatever and whomever however you'd like. But I'll be referring to my upcoming wedding as my wedding because that's exactly what it is. Signing papers were for the sole purpose at the time to procure insurance. That license might as well have been insurance paperwork. We'll let their legality stand once we have the ceremony that is meaningful to us. I'm not reenacting the wedding I wish I had. We're HAVING the wedding we want instead!
    Do you have any gay or lesbian friends?  Because if you do I am sure they would love to hear your take on what that "piece of paper that may of well have been insurance paperwork" really means to you.
    As a matter of fact I do. And they all know exactly where I stand on gay marriage. I want them to have the exact same rights as straight people. Which would include thinking and feeling about their own marriage however they see fit, and the ability to go about getting married however they damn well please. I don't feel that what Mr. E and I are doing should be only open to straight people. If gay people want to sign their license on one day and have a ceremony another, Mazel Tov. If they don't get the warm fuzzies about their license that is a prerogative I feel they should have the right to. And because gay people are the exact same in my mind and heart as everyone else, they have a right to their feelings about my feelings, but it won't be changing anything because this is one of those instances I'm not taking votes or opinions, it is what it is.
    I really have no words for your response.  And it really didn't answer my question anyway (not surprisingly).

    MobKaz
  • Yeah you're right.  Same sex couples deserve PPDs just as much as the rest of us....
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • A judge doesn't give two craps what vows you gave at divorce court.  You're married and planning a PPD.  If you want to make this all magical and wonderful fine, but don't reenact the wedding you wish you had.  Call it anything else besides a wedding because you already had yours.

    I hope your husband is recovering well and I am sorry to hear about his health scare.  I'm glad you were there to help him when he needed you most, but he is your husband, not your fiance.  

    ETF words.
    If you were in my position you would be welcome to refer to whatever and whomever however you'd like. But I'll be referring to my upcoming wedding as my wedding because that's exactly what it is. Signing papers were for the sole purpose at the time to procure insurance. That license might as well have been insurance paperwork. We'll let their legality stand once we have the ceremony that is meaningful to us. I'm not reenacting the wedding I wish I had. We're HAVING the wedding we want instead!
    Do you have any gay or lesbian friends?  Because if you do I am sure they would love to hear your take on what that "piece of paper that may of well have been insurance paperwork" really means to you.
    As a matter of fact I do. And they all know exactly where I stand on gay marriage. I want them to have the exact same rights as straight people. Which would include thinking and feeling about their own marriage however they see fit, and the ability to go about getting married however they damn well please. I don't feel that what Mr. E and I are doing should be only open to straight people. If gay people want to sign their license on one day and have a ceremony another, Mazel Tov. If they don't get the warm fuzzies about their license that is a prerogative I feel they should have the right to. And because gay people are the exact same in my mind and heart as everyone else, they have a right to their feelings about my feelings, but it won't be changing anything because this is one of those instances I'm not taking votes or opinions, it is what it is.
    I really have no words for your response.  And it really didn't answer my question anyway (not surprisingly).
    The only question you asked was whether I had any gay or lesbian friends. I stated that I did. The rest was just your committing what you wonder about to writing. Because obviously not discussing the details of our legal status with people includes not discussing it with our gay and lesbian friends and family as well. Would any of them be shocked by my answer though? No, not if they're my friend or family member, my feelings about their equality is well known, which would no doubt include their ability to get married as they see fit and feel however they want to about it while they're at it. 

  • Have you changed from STBMrsEverhart to B MrsEverhart yet?
    I haven't changed my name yet. My last name is still my ex's. It'll remain that way until we return from Mexico and start the process of legally changing my name. 

  • jenna8984 said:

    I guess I just don't understand what you are excited about or looking forward to. When I think about my wedding day in 7 weeks, I don't care about the dress I'm wearing, I don't care about the location we chose, I don't care about the cake, I don't care which guests come and which ones don't. All I care about is that I will finally BE married. I will wake up that morning a "single" woman and I will go to bed that night a married woman, who can finally call him my husband. And that is SOOO exciting. And you don't have that. You'll be waking up married and going to bed married, everything that happens on that day doesn't change your relationship status like it will for me at my wedding.

    I'm not saying mine is better than yours, I'm saying you had yours and it's done and you are married whether you chose to believe it or not. It's not up for debate or interpretation like whether or not you believe in aliens- it's a FACT that you are married and nothing on this Mexico day changes that.

    Oh, and the "nobody has asked" thing really pisses me off. I do not go to my friend's weddings asking them "so did you guys get married already last week?" because the normal muther f-ing assumption is that they did not and this is the moment when they are!! There should be no reason for anyone to have to ask that!

    If I haven't been able to explain or convey feelings on this forum yet, I don't know that I'll begin to articulate them well enough to make you understand now.

    Ok, @jenna8984, you say that what you're excited for is waking up "single" and going to bed married on your wedding day. What exactly is it that is going to happen on your wedding day, what is the ONE DEFINING MOMENT that is going to transform your feelings on that day? 

    You say you don't care about the dress, or the cake, or who's there or not. So it must be the legal changing of your relationship status that will take place that day that will have this profound effect on your feelings. Ok, fair enough. Feelings cannot be easily defined, contained or explained. But those are YOUR feelings about YOUR marital union. I can no more force myself to feel the same way you do about any subject than I can to force myself to feel the same way about our legal union as you will about yours. Just like I can't force myself to feel anything I simply don't. 

    If you don't care about the dress, cake, etc., and the big transformation only takes place by signing a legal document for you, I would have to ask: why do them? If they don't matter they seem a colossal waste of money, AWish and frankly, as waste of your time and your guests'. 

    Those things do matter to me, I'll just admit that right now and not beat around the bush about it. The dress or the cake are not defining for me, but yea, I love what I'll be wearing and I hope I love my cake.

     What IS defining for me is speaking vows, exchanging rings, and sharing the experience with friends and family. THOSE are the things I'm excited for. THOSE are the things I'm looking forward to. THOSE are things that are transformative for me and will make me feel married. So I don't know that I can make you understand what I'm looking forward to or excited about, but I'd say all the same things you are, we just arrive at them differently. 

    As for the "no one has asked" thing upsetting you, I would agree with you if this was a local wedding, people would expect everything to happen pretty much simultaneously. But most people we know realize that the legal hoops in Mexico are PITA and most people we know do the legal stuff local then the ceremonial in MX. So it's not off base for our group to ask, if they were interested in the legal particulars. 

  • As much as this is going to probably get everyone to jump on my back about this, I don't see what the big issue is with @STBMrsEverhart 's decision. My father remarried my current stepmother eight years ago now. THey had a legal ceremony where they basically signed a legal document in the J.P.'s living room. THat was it. They then threw a wedding ceremony and reception several weeks later and called it the wedding. It's the same basic principle here. I'm getting married in three weeks and here's how i see it: yes, you are technically legally married but the wedding itself has two purposes. 1) the legal marriage and 2) the celebration of said marriage with friends and family present. The ceremony itself is a ceremony, it's not technically legally binding, so anyone saying that she already got to have a ceremony isn't technically correct. I see absolutely no problem calling your day a wedding because of this. I think everyone can agree that the ability to say those vows as part of the SYMBOLIC ceremony and to share the experience with friends and family is important. Who are we to deny her that just because she made the decision to postpone the symbolic parts of a wedding until a while after the legal parts?

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  • @StltelME - you don't see an issue with having people spend thousands of dollars on you under false pretenses? Sorry, but I think loved ones deserve better treatment than lies.

    Yes, ceremonies are legally binding; that's what you have to have a qualified officiant and in many states, there are requirements for what must be said during the ceremony.

    A wedding day is the day you become wed; you are wed as soon as you sign the paper.
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    emmaaasouthernbelle0915Maggie0829PrettyGirlLost
  • I'm sorry @PDKH, I understand what everyone is saying but I still don't see these 'false pretenses' as clearly as you all seem to. When you invite people to a wedding, you are inviting them to celebrate your marriage. Many people get legally married (i.e. no traditional wedding and just sign the paperwork) and then hold the ceremony and reception later. It's not like this is a brand new idea. She is still inviting people to celebrate her marriage, slightly delayed, but still the same principle. The only way this scenario could possibly be a lie was if she didn't end the day legally married, which she will. It's not as if this is a "fake" wedding designed to con people out of money without legally binding herself to her husband.

    Additionally, with the ceremony, yes there can be requirements for what must be said, but at the end of the day, the law mostly just cares that you signed the document and it gets filed. If a traditional ceremony itself was legally binding, the license wouldn't be necessary. There's a reason you can use the license to get married without having a traditional ceremony but can't have a legally binding traditional ceremony without the license?

    Again, if she wants to call it a wedding, who are we to judge? The fact that we are all up in arms in this thread about the importance and meaning of the wedding and ceremony shows that we all find these aspects important in some way shape or form. Why is @STBMrsEverhart ;not allowed to feel the same way?

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  • Fair enough. I see your point when you factor in the length of time between things. My dad and stepmom's legal ceremony and "ceremonial" ceremony was only a couple of weeks I believe.

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  • StitelME said:
    Fair enough. I see your point when you factor in the length of time between things. My dad and stepmom's legal ceremony and "ceremonial" ceremony was only a couple of weeks I believe.
    I don't think time is the factor as much as the dishonesty. Weeks apart, or years apart, you still aren't being up front about when you were wed. 

    My biggest thing is let people make their own decision about whether they'd like to attend your reenactment with frills or not.  
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  • I mean, I still don't necessarily see this as completely dishonest like you guys though. It's not as if she has asked the guests to participate in two huge weddings for the same marriage. I still personally see the legal and ceremonial parts of a traditional wedding as slightly separate entities (though i understand that it's a small difference) so it's not like she is re-enacting the traditional wedding part since she didn't get to have that. When my parents had the separate legal and ceremonial weddings, there was nothing dishonest about it at all. Life just forced them to have to delay the ceremonial part so that they could celebrate and share their happiness with friends and families. It happens. Regardless, I think I'm done commenting on this thread since the original point was answered several posts ago regarding the length of time of the ceremony. Besides, neither of the ones of us who are discussing this at this point are the individual who is directly involved in this planning so we can afford to leave it as a difference of opinion. I hope your weekends all go well!

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  • StitelME said:
    I mean, I still don't necessarily see this as completely dishonest like you guys though. It's not as if she has asked the guests to participate in two huge weddings for the same marriage. I still personally see the legal and ceremonial parts of a traditional wedding as slightly separate entities (though i understand that it's a small difference) so it's not like she is re-enacting the traditional wedding part since she didn't get to have that. When my parents had the separate legal and ceremonial weddings, there was nothing dishonest about it at all. Life just forced them to have to delay the ceremonial part so that they could celebrate and share their happiness with friends and families. It happens. Regardless, I think I'm done commenting on this thread since the original point was answered several posts ago regarding the length of time of the ceremony. Besides, neither of the ones of us who are discussing this at this point are the individual who is directly involved in this planning so we can afford to leave it as a difference of opinion. I hope your weekends all go well!
    But the traditional part isn't what makes a wedding a wedding - it's the frills. A woman who wears jeans and a t-shirt to the courthouse on a Tuesday is just as much a bride as the woman who wears a huge white gown in a ballroom on a Saturday. 

    Once you are married, there is no going back (unless of course, you divorce). Why not just have a huge party to celebrate? Why reenact the moment you became someone's wife? I just think it's sad that the moment of becoming a wife is less important than the moment one plays dress up. 

    And no one is ever "forced" to get married; circumstances may have pushed them to get married not as planned, but that's the decision they made. 

    And I think there is never ever an excuse for dishonesty or lack of transparency in this matter - whether by omission or by intention. Let your loved ones decide. 
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  • StitelME said:
    I mean, I still don't necessarily see this as completely dishonest like you guys though. It's not as if she has asked the guests to participate in two huge weddings for the same marriage. I still personally see the legal and ceremonial parts of a traditional wedding as slightly separate entities (though i understand that it's a small difference) so it's not like she is re-enacting the traditional wedding part since she didn't get to have that. When my parents had the separate legal and ceremonial weddings, there was nothing dishonest about it at all. Life just forced them to have to delay the ceremonial part so that they could celebrate and share their happiness with friends and families. It happens. Regardless, I think I'm done commenting on this thread since the original point was answered several posts ago regarding the length of time of the ceremony. Besides, neither of the ones of us who are discussing this at this point are the individual who is directly involved in this planning so we can afford to leave it as a difference of opinion. I hope your weekends all go well!
    Life doesn't "force" anyone to get married. Usually, people do it to get legal benefits, visitation rights, financial benefits, or healthcare. It's still a choice.

    I have no problem with people throwing a huge party to celebrate their recent marriage if they did it in a hurry for whatever reason. Where I start to have a problem is with the lying (yes, even by omission) and the theatrics of pretending like it's a wedding. I really take issue with people saying they didn't have a "real wedding" and/or that their marriage license is "just a piece of paper". The courthouse is a real wedding and sometimes it's all people can afford. To say it's not a "real wedding" is insulting and demeaning. And the "just a piece of paper" comment is just as bad if not worse because marriage rights are a HUGE issue and not available to everyone - some people would LOVE to have "just a piece of paper".
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • @StitelME‌, I didn't think I'd be able to convey where we're coming from this time any more than I've ever been able to. I answered the question about what I'm looking forward to because I thought it was an interesting question, not because I thought anyone would "get" my answer. I'm cool with that.

    In my mind and heart the legal and ceremonial acts of a wedding, marriage, whatever you'd like to call it, are two separate entities. I'll be married when I say I Do. Until then a legal classification has zero domain where my feelings are concerned. If Mr. E and I were influenced at all by that legal classification I would find what we're doing dishonest or at least disingenuous. But we're not secretly accepting of this classification at home but publicly rejecting it. We've always maintained with each other that the legal documentation would not have the same effect on us it obviously does for other people. We're perfectly content with that, excited for our wedding, and not bogged down by strangers not accepting our feelings or plans.

  • I love how everyone turned this into what the judge will say when you divorce, or how this insults same-sex couples who can't legally marry, blah blah blah.  All you wanted was input on how to draft the ceremony script, right?  Go here for a variety of script ideas, readings, etc.

    If you want constructive input (not a barrage of insults and judgement) from like-minded nice people, you're in the wrong place. 

  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    k1b9sp1 said:

    I love how everyone turned this into what the judge will say when you divorce, or how this insults same-sex couples who can't legally marry, blah blah blah.  All you wanted was input on how to draft the ceremony script, right?  Go here for a variety of script ideas, readings, etc.

    If you want constructive input (not a barrage of insults and judgement) from like-minded nice people, you're in the wrong place. 

    Dude. Seriously. She's figured this out by now. Congratulations on contributing nothing.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    jenna8984 said:

    I guess I just don't understand what you are excited about or looking forward to. When I think about my wedding day in 7 weeks, I don't care about the dress I'm wearing, I don't care about the location we chose, I don't care about the cake, I don't care which guests come and which ones don't. All I care about is that I will finally BE married. I will wake up that morning a "single" woman and I will go to bed that night a married woman, who can finally call him my husband. And that is SOOO exciting. And you don't have that. You'll be waking up married and going to bed married, everything that happens on that day doesn't change your relationship status like it will for me at my wedding.

    I'm not saying mine is better than yours, I'm saying you had yours and it's done and you are married whether you chose to believe it or not. It's not up for debate or interpretation like whether or not you believe in aliens- it's a FACT that you are married and nothing on this Mexico day changes that.

    Oh, and the "nobody has asked" thing really pisses me off. I do not go to my friend's weddings asking them "so did you guys get married already last week?" because the normal muther f-ing assumption is that they did not and this is the moment when they are!! There should be no reason for anyone to have to ask that!

    Based on all of the PPD bullshit I read here and on the other wedding sites, I'm going to start asking ppl this actually.  I'm also going to be looking up marriage license records. . . God Bless public records :-)

    And I actually *did* attend a PPD with a full on Catholic Mass, but I choose to attend because they were totally honest about the fact that they were already married.  I thought the whole thing was a bit silly, but they hosted us at the reception really well and had no other etiquette issues.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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