Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

Best way to tell wedding guests we were secretly married 2 years ago?

13

Re: Best way to tell wedding guests we were secretly married 2 years ago?

  • STBMrsEverhart We are all aware that you're totally OK lying to your loved ones. We get it. 
  • STBMrsEverhart We are all aware that you're totally OK lying to your loved ones. We get it. 

    No. I just don't think the same things are lies it would seem. I don't see someone's legal (opposed to public) marital status as everyone's business. Particularly in the OP's case. If she chooses to divulge now is her prerogative. But it plays out very oddly, IMO.
  • beethery said:

    What if I had a 2 year old  kid that I decided was my own personal business


    And then one day when I felt like the time was right I invited everyone to a sip and see for my "new" baby?

    SURPRISE I JUST BIRTHED THIS TODDLER FROM MY LOINS!!!! ITS A NEW BABY IDK WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!


    That's how it comes off.

    That would be epic and amazing and I'd pray there would be a play-by-play posted here on TK for all to read the details.
  • beethery said:
    What if I had a 2 year old  kid that I decided was my own personal business

    And then one day when I felt like the time was right I invited everyone to a sip and see for my "new" baby?

    SURPRISE I JUST BIRTHED THIS TODDLER FROM MY LOINS!!!! ITS A NEW BABY IDK WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!


    That's how it comes off.



    SITB

    Guess you couldn't dispute the logic of this, Mrs E?
    image

  • beethery said:

    What if I had a 2 year old  kid that I decided was my own personal business

    And then one day when I felt like the time was right I invited everyone to a sip and see for my "new" baby?

    SURPRISE I JUST BIRTHED THIS TODDLER FROM MY LOINS!!!! ITS A NEW BABY IDK WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!


    That's how it comes off.



    SITB

    Guess you couldn't dispute the logic of this, Mrs E?



    Oh, I certainly could. I'm just more amused by it than anything else. And I haven't changed my name yet, so thanks and all, but I'm no more Mrs. E today than ever before. I'm still Ms. R until we get back from our honeymoon. But it sure has a nice ring to it!
  • What if I had a 2 year old  kid that I decided was my own personal business

    And then one day when I felt like the time was right I invited everyone to a sip and see for my "new" baby?

    SURPRISE I JUST BIRTHED THIS TODDLER FROM MY LOINS!!!! ITS A NEW BABY IDK WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!


    That's how it comes off.

    That would be epic and amazing and I'd pray there would be a play-by-play posted here on TK for all to read the details.
    Right... This is all you have to say to this, Mrs. E, because it's as sound as your logic of OPs "predicament". The reason you want a play-by-play is because the reaction of family and friends would be very much "WTF" - same as it would be for finding out that someone is married.

    OP's been married for two years. You've been married for months (years?). Neither of you have been forthcoming with your families/friends. You have no problem with lying, so why should anyone else? Of course you're standing up for her decision here. *eyeroll*

    No matter what a lie is about, when people find out the truth it goes over like a big fart in church. The more serious the topic someone is lying about, the louder and smellier the fart. 
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  • STBMrsEverhart We are all aware that you're totally OK lying to your loved ones. We get it. 
    No. I just don't think the same things are lies it would seem. I don't see someone's legal (opposed to public) marital status as everyone's business. Particularly in the OP's case. If she chooses to divulge now is her prerogative. But it plays out very oddly, IMO.
    A legal marriage is public. Marriage licenses are public record which means anyone can find them.

  • STBMrsEverhart We are all aware that you're totally OK lying to your loved ones. We get it. 
    No. I just don't think the same things are lies it would seem. I don't see someone's legal (opposed to public) marital status as everyone's business. Particularly in the OP's case. If she chooses to divulge now is her prerogative. But it plays out very oddly, IMO.
    You know marriage licenses are public record, right? 

    Even if that weren't the case....If you wanted to play the "I'm not married" game your entire life to your family and friends when you're actually legally married... fine whatever. I see zero value in it for anyone but whatever. 

    But you don't. You want your family and friends involved in your "wedding". That's why you're inviting them to Mexico. THAT is where your situation goes from "I just don't think it's anyone's business" to straight up lying in order to achieve a goal you want - a "wedding". 

    It's messed up to have a PPD for this reason. But I'll tell you what's even more messed up than that: you don't see anything wrong with it. You think that lying to your closest friends/family is totally fine because you want to dress up like a bride and play "wedding" for a day when you're a married woman. A wife. Your moral compass on lying to them points to A-OK! That's what's really messed up about your situation.
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  • beethery said:

    What if I had a 2 year old  kid that I decided was my own personal business


    And then one day when I felt like the time was right I invited everyone to a sip and see for my "new" baby?

    SURPRISE I JUST BIRTHED THIS TODDLER FROM MY LOINS!!!! ITS A NEW BABY IDK WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!


    That's how it comes off.

    That would be epic and amazing and I'd pray there would be a play-by-play posted here on TK for all to read the details.

    Right... This is all you have to say to this, Mrs. E, because it's as sound as your logic of OPs "predicament". The reason you want a play-by-play is because the reaction of family and friends would be very much "WTF" - same as it would be for finding out that someone is married.

    OP's been married for two years. You've been married for months (years?). Neither of you have been forthcoming with your families/friends. You have no problem with lying, so why should anyone else? Of course you're standing up for her decision here. *eyeroll*

    No matter what a lie is about, when people find out the truth it goes over like a big fart in church. The more serious the topic someone is lying about, the louder and smellier the fart. 


    I don't see many similarities between the OP's situation and my own. I don't feel I've lied, so there's that. I don't feel she "owes" anyone an explanation, just as I feel the same where my own situation is concerned. That's where the similarities end as far as I see it.

    She now wants to divulge. She can do that if she's so inclined. Her people may be thrilled, they may be mortified, we don't know bc we don't know her people. But either way, it's not the OP's issue, it's theirs. She's only responsible for her feelings and actions, not how other people are going to react. That said, she may end up with a complete shit show on her hands which may not be worth her while whatsoever. I suppose she'll find out one way or the other if she decides to discuss the matter.

    As far as lies and farts and such, I think that really depends on the people involved. We're all responsible for our feelings and how we react to things. There are people who just want to sit in their "rightness" they want to stew in their judgements and sanctimony and victimization. To which I say, be my guest. Life is too short to walk around all butt sore because someone didn't divulge every last iota of their personal business to you at the time you thought they should have. If that's someone's prerogative, let them. I can't wrap my brain around living life like that.


  • emmaaa said:



    STBMrsEverhart We are all aware that you're totally OK lying to your loved ones. We get it. 

    No. I just don't think the same things are lies it would seem. I don't see someone's legal (opposed to public) marital status as everyone's business. Particularly in the OP's case. If she chooses to divulge now is her prerogative. But it plays out very oddly, IMO.

    A legal marriage is public. Marriage licenses are public record which means anyone can find them.

    Yes, legal marriages are matter of public record. I'm not disputing that. But if you're not holding yourself out as married, that's the ONLY place it's public. And I don't know anyone doing public records checks on anyone else just for shits and giggles. Maybe y'all should since it's obviously so concerning for so many of you. I'm neither that interested nor that inclined to go digging around in my friend's personal shit. I could probably find all sorts of public records about them that are still none of my business, but I'm not going to. If someone wants me to know something, they'll tell me when the time is right.
  • I don't see many similarities between the OP's situation and my own. I don't feel I've lied, so there's that. I don't feel she "owes" anyone an explanation, just as I feel the same where my own situation is concerned. That's where the similarities end as far as I see it. 

     She now wants to divulge. She can do that if she's so inclined. Her people may be thrilled, they may be mortified, we don't know bc we don't know her people. But either way, it's not the OP's issue, it's theirs. She's only responsible for her feelings and actions, not how other people are going to react. That said, she may end up with a complete shit show on her hands which may not be worth her while whatsoever. I suppose she'll find out one way or the other if she decides to discuss the matter. 

     As far as lies and farts and such, I think that really depends on the people involved. We're all responsible for our feelings and how we react to things. There are people who just want to sit in their "rightness" they want to stew in their judgements and sanctimony and victimization. To which I say, be my guest. Life is too short to walk around all butt sore because someone didn't divulge every last iota of their personal business to you at the time you thought they should have. If that's someone's prerogative, let them. I can't wrap my brain around living life like that.
    You are currently lying by living a charade that you're getting married and inviting people to a "wedding". Lying by omission is still lying. So yea, your situation is spot on with OP in that context. 

    Honestly, YOU are the one who sits there and "stews in your rightness". You try to justify your "rightness" about your PPD ALL. THE. TIME. Look at this thread, the PPD thread, the other various threads where you insist on having the last word that you're right and what you're doing is perfectly acceptable. 

    If it's so acceptable and you're so sure in your "rightness", then WHY AREN'T YOU TELLING YOUR FAMILY/FRIENDS BEFORE THEY GO TO MEXICO? Because they might not come? Because they might be pissed you didn't tell them? Because they might be pissed you didn't include them in your actual wedding? All of the above? 
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    image



  • I don't see many similarities between the OP's situation and my own. I don't feel I've lied, so there's that. I don't feel she "owes" anyone an explanation, just as I feel the same where my own situation is concerned. That's where the similarities end as far as I see it. 

     She now wants to divulge. She can do that if she's so inclined. Her people may be thrilled, they may be mortified, we don't know bc we don't know her people. But either way, it's not the OP's issue, it's theirs. She's only responsible for her feelings and actions, not how other people are going to react. That said, she may end up with a complete shit show on her hands which may not be worth her while whatsoever. I suppose she'll find out one way or the other if she decides to discuss the matter. 

     As far as lies and farts and such, I think that really depends on the people involved. We're all responsible for our feelings and how we react to things. There are people who just want to sit in their "rightness" they want to stew in their judgements and sanctimony and victimization. To which I say, be my guest. Life is too short to walk around all butt sore because someone didn't divulge every last iota of their personal business to you at the time you thought they should have. If that's someone's prerogative, let them. I can't wrap my brain around living life like that.

    You are currently lying by living a charade that you're getting married and inviting people to a "wedding". Lying by omission is still lying. So yea, your situation is spot on with OP in that context. 

    Honestly, YOU are the one who sits there and "stews in your rightness". You try to justify your "rightness" about your PPD ALL. THE. TIME. Look at this thread, the PPD thread, the other various threads where you insist on having the last word that you're right and what you're doing is perfectly acceptable. 

    If it's so acceptable and you're so sure in your "rightness", then WHY AREN'T YOU TELLING YOUR FAMILY/FRIENDS BEFORE THEY GO TO MEXICO? Because they might not come? Because they might be pissed you didn't tell them? Because they might be pissed you didn't include them in your actual wedding? All of the above? 


    We're not telling them because we look at the legal aspect as a business transaction and nothing more. There's nothing to tell as far as we're concerned.

    Although there are people who will be there who already know. And they don't care bc they feel the same, or have done the same.

    Yea, I'll ALWAYS opine on this subject, just like y'all will for the same reason: neither group cares for the other's opinion of this made up "PPD" garbage and we sure do want others to know that. Y'all think you're "right" in your opinions. Obviously I must too. But they're opinions all the same, and people considering separating their legal from their ceremonial stuff have every right to factor both groups of opinions and decide what's best for themselves. If they feel like they'll be lying, they shouldn't proceed. If they feel they won't, there's still things to consider, but at least they go forward knowing they're not alone. And the amount of DW couples we know who do things they way are tells me they're DEFINITELY not alone and in good company.
  • I don't see many similarities between the OP's situation and my own. I don't feel I've lied, so there's that. I don't feel she "owes" anyone an explanation, just as I feel the same where my own situation is concerned. That's where the similarities end as far as I see it. 

     She now wants to divulge. She can do that if she's so inclined. Her people may be thrilled, they may be mortified, we don't know bc we don't know her people. But either way, it's not the OP's issue, it's theirs. She's only responsible for her feelings and actions, not how other people are going to react. That said, she may end up with a complete shit show on her hands which may not be worth her while whatsoever. I suppose she'll find out one way or the other if she decides to discuss the matter. 

     As far as lies and farts and such, I think that really depends on the people involved. We're all responsible for our feelings and how we react to things. There are people who just want to sit in their "rightness" they want to stew in their judgements and sanctimony and victimization. To which I say, be my guest. Life is too short to walk around all butt sore because someone didn't divulge every last iota of their personal business to you at the time you thought they should have. If that's someone's prerogative, let them. I can't wrap my brain around living life like that.
    You are currently lying by living a charade that you're getting married and inviting people to a "wedding". Lying by omission is still lying. So yea, your situation is spot on with OP in that context. 

    Honestly, YOU are the one who sits there and "stews in your rightness". You try to justify your "rightness" about your PPD ALL. THE. TIME. Look at this thread, the PPD thread, the other various threads where you insist on having the last word that you're right and what you're doing is perfectly acceptable. 

    If it's so acceptable and you're so sure in your "rightness", then WHY AREN'T YOU TELLING YOUR FAMILY/FRIENDS BEFORE THEY GO TO MEXICO? Because they might not come? Because they might be pissed you didn't tell them? Because they might be pissed you didn't include them in your actual wedding? All of the above? 
    We're not telling them because we look at the legal aspect as a business transaction and nothing more. There's nothing to tell as far as we're concerned. 

     Although there are people who will be there who already know. And they don't care bc they feel the same, or have done the same. 

     Yea, I'll ALWAYS opine on this subject, just like y'all will for the same reason: neither group cares for the other's opinion of this made up "PPD" garbage and we sure do want others to know that. Y'all think you're "right" in your opinions. Obviously I must too. But they're opinions all the same, and people considering separating their legal from their ceremonial stuff have every right to factor both groups of opinions and decide what's best for themselves. If they feel like they'll be lying, they shouldn't proceed. If they feel they won't, there's still things to consider, but at least they go forward knowing they're not alone. And the amount of DW couples we know who do things they way are tells me they're DEFINITELY not alone and in good company.
    To the first bolded: I'm sorry but you are full of beans. You know damn well they'd care which is why you're not telling them. Hiding behind the "oh, it's just a business transaction, so there's nothing to tell" is Grade A bullshit. 

    If it's "just a business transaction" (I can't even with this and the gay marriage issue, so I won't) then why aren't you in FULL DISCLOSURE mode? Probably because you know people 1) wouldn't fly to Mexico to watch your fake wedding; 2) they'd be pissed that you did this without them and/or 3) they'd be pissed that you've been lying (yes, lying by omission is still lying). So hide behind that
    "business transaction" smoke screen all you want, but it's bullshit. You know it, everyone here knows it and you know your family/friends know it too, which is why you're NOT in full disclosure mode.

    To the second bolded: No. They're not opinions. You are married. 

    You can attempt to fake your way through the "business transaction" bullshit, but you're a married woman. That's a fact.

    To the third bolded - you picked what's best for YOURSELF based on wanting to have a wedding in Mexico. Except you didn't quite make it. So you've decided on some wording that makes you feel better about lying to people and playing dress up in Mexico.
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  • I don't see many similarities between the OP's situation and my own. I don't feel I've lied, so there's that. I don't feel she "owes" anyone an explanation, just as I feel the same where my own situation is concerned. That's where the similarities end as far as I see it. 

     She now wants to divulge. She can do that if she's so inclined. Her people may be thrilled, they may be mortified, we don't know bc we don't know her people. But either way, it's not the OP's issue, it's theirs. She's only responsible for her feelings and actions, not how other people are going to react. That said, she may end up with a complete shit show on her hands which may not be worth her while whatsoever. I suppose she'll find out one way or the other if she decides to discuss the matter. 

     As far as lies and farts and such, I think that really depends on the people involved. We're all responsible for our feelings and how we react to things. There are people who just want to sit in their "rightness" they want to stew in their judgements and sanctimony and victimization. To which I say, be my guest. Life is too short to walk around all butt sore because someone didn't divulge every last iota of their personal business to you at the time you thought they should have. If that's someone's prerogative, let them. I can't wrap my brain around living life like that.

    You are currently lying by living a charade that you're getting married and inviting people to a "wedding". Lying by omission is still lying. So yea, your situation is spot on with OP in that context. 

    Honestly, YOU are the one who sits there and "stews in your rightness". You try to justify your "rightness" about your PPD ALL. THE. TIME. Look at this thread, the PPD thread, the other various threads where you insist on having the last word that you're right and what you're doing is perfectly acceptable. 

    If it's so acceptable and you're so sure in your "rightness", then WHY AREN'T YOU TELLING YOUR FAMILY/FRIENDS BEFORE THEY GO TO MEXICO? Because they might not come? Because they might be pissed you didn't tell them? Because they might be pissed you didn't include them in your actual wedding? All of the above? 
    We're not telling them because we look at the legal aspect as a business transaction and nothing more. There's nothing to tell as far as we're concerned. 

     Although there are people who will be there who already know. And they don't care bc they feel the same, or have done the same. 

     Yea, I'll ALWAYS opine on this subject, just like y'all will for the same reason: neither group cares for the other's opinion of this made up "PPD" garbage and we sure do want others to know that. Y'all think you're "right" in your opinions. Obviously I must too. But they're opinions all the same, and people considering separating their legal from their ceremonial stuff have every right to factor both groups of opinions and decide what's best for themselves. If they feel like they'll be lying, they shouldn't proceed. If they feel they won't, there's still things to consider, but at least they go forward knowing they're not alone. And the amount of DW couples we know who do things they way are tells me they're DEFINITELY not alone and in good company.



    To the first bolded: I'm sorry but you are full of beans. You know damn well they'd care which is why you're not telling them. Hiding behind the "oh, it's just a business transaction, so there's nothing to tell" is Grade A bullshit. 

    If it's "just a business transaction" (I can't even with this and the gay marriage issue, so I won't) then why aren't you in FULL DISCLOSURE mode? Probably because you know people 1) wouldn't fly to Mexico to watch your fake wedding; 2) they'd be pissed that you did this without them and/or 3) they'd be pissed that you've been lying (yes, lying by omission is still lying). So hide behind that
    "business transaction" smoke screen all you want, but it's bullshit. You know it, everyone here knows it and you know your family/friends know it too, which is why you're NOT in full disclosure mode.

    To the second bolded: No. They're not opinions. You are married. 

    You can attempt to fake your way through the "business transaction" bullshit, but you're a married woman. That's a fact.

    To the third bolded - you picked what's best for YOURSELF based on wanting to have a wedding in Mexico. Except you didn't quite make it. So you've decided on some wording that makes you feel better about lying to people and playing dress up in Mexico.


    What part of "some people already know" are you having troubles with? We've disclosed everything that was needed to be disclosed and to whom as was needed. Past that, there's nothing else to chat about.

    Of course we've done what was best for us where our wedding is concerned. Those that made the decision to not prioritize it we'll see at the AHR, no hard feelings. Those that are coming will get what they came for. There will be vows and rings and tequila and from that day forward we'll refer to the other as husband/wife and when we get back from our honeymoon I'll change my name. Everyone will have a great vacation and life will move on. They were NEVER going to be present for the license signing. Ever. Wasn't ever even an option.

  • Apparently, I'm the only one who does look up public records constantly. I look at marriage licenses, probate issues, even someone's criminal record that I went to high school with since she got arrested last week. Maybe I'm weird.

    If you're weird then I am too. I do the same, thanks to the wonders of the Internet.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • STBMrsEverhart We are all aware that you're totally OK lying to your loved ones. We get it. 
    No. I just don't think the same things are lies it would seem. I don't see someone's legal (opposed to public) marital status as everyone's business. Particularly in the OP's case. If she chooses to divulge now is her prerogative. But it plays out very oddly, IMO.
    A legal marriage is public. Marriage licenses are public record which means anyone can find them.
    Yes, legal marriages are matter of public record. I'm not disputing that. But if you're not holding yourself out as married, that's the ONLY place it's public. And I don't know anyone doing public records checks on anyone else just for shits and giggles. Maybe y'all should since it's obviously so concerning for so many of you. I'm neither that interested nor that inclined to go digging around in my friend's personal shit. I could probably find all sorts of public records about them that are still none of my business, but I'm not going to. If someone wants me to know something, they'll tell me when the time is right.
    Or maybe it's in the newspaper for everyone to see.  In my hometown they publish the marriage licenses in the paper and they do not need consent to do so because as others have said it is a matter of public record.  When my mother and step-father married they didn't feel the need to put an engagement or wedding announcement in the paper.  They still got lots of congratulations because people read about the marriage license.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Apparently, I'm the only one who does look up public records constantly. I look at marriage licenses, probate issues, even someone's criminal record that I went to high school with since she got arrested last week. Maybe I'm weird.
    It's not weird. It's all published in the local newspaper which EVERYONE reads. Every marriage license applied for is published in the paper. People notice.
  • People still buy and read local newspapers? Well I'll be damned!
  • Wait, what? Who goes around checking friend's public records for fun? I believe it if you start dating someone and are eeky about him, maybe check if he is married, but your own friends? That's low.

    And about the newspaper, that is possibly right, but again, grandparents are the ones reading it, our generation reads the news online. 
    I'm pretty sure the public records show up online as well. And if you have a small online presence, public records will be one of the first Google hits. Especially if you Google both names to try and find registry information or a wedding website.
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  • Wait, what? Who goes around checking friend's public records for fun? I believe it if you start dating someone and are eeky about him, maybe check if he is married, but your own friends? That's low.

    And about the newspaper, that is possibly right, but again, grandparents are the ones reading it, our generation reads the news online. 
    How is that "low"?
  • Wait, what? Who goes around checking friend's public records for fun? I believe it if you start dating someone and are eeky about him, maybe check if he is married, but your own friends? That's low.
    And about the newspaper, that is possibly right, but again, grandparents are the ones reading it, our generation reads the news online. 
    How is that "low"?
    It's low to try to determine whether someone is lying to you?

    Would you consider it low for a woman whose husband that has been "working late," uninterested in his relationship with is wife, etc. to swing by his office one night to determine whether he's lying about where he says he's been? 
    image
  • I pull up public records about my friends all the time. I get bored so I go into our county records database (which is on the internet) and punch in my name, names of my friends, names of my parents, anyone I can think of, just to kill some time. I've never stumbled across anything very interesting.

    Though someone looked me up and came across my name change, they never knew me by my other name so they assumed I'd gotten married at some point and changed my name. Even though there are no marriage licenses on file under either of my names. It was fun to explain that yes it is totally legal to change your last name without getting married yes I promise I'm not now nor have I even been married to someone with my last name.
  • Apparently, I'm the only one who does look up public records constantly. I look at marriage licenses, probate issues, even someone's criminal record that I went to high school with since she got arrested last week. Maybe I'm weird.
    If you're weird then I am too. I do the same, thanks to the wonders of the Internet.
    I looked up my marriage information. I was really excited and wanted to see if it was posted yet. We got our license the Tuesday before our wedding, and it showed that we applied for it immediately. The wedding was that Saturday, and then I turned the license back in on Monday. The date we got our license shows up, and the date I turned it back in after the wedding shows up. Our actual wedding date only appears on the marriage certificate itself.

     If someone lied about getting married a few days before their scheduled wedding, I wouldn't know how to tell the difference. A few weeks or more, and it would be easy to tell. Unless there is a way to find out that I'm not aware of.
  • Apparently, I'm the only one who does look up public records constantly. I look at marriage licenses, probate issues, even someone's criminal record that I went to high school with since she got arrested last week. Maybe I'm weird.
    HOW?! I can't find any of that stuff online in MA.
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  • misshart00misshart00 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    ashleyep said:



    Apparently, I'm the only one who does look up public records constantly. I look at marriage licenses, probate issues, even someone's criminal record that I went to high school with since she got arrested last week. Maybe I'm weird.

    HOW?! I can't find any of that stuff online in MA.

    I suppose it's a bit harder in other states, but the entire state Supreme Court is online here. Just search for a first and last name and it pulls up everything from traffic tickets to marriage licenses.

    Edit: it looks like you have to do it by mail in massachesetts.
    http://www.sec.state.ma.us/pre/prereq/reqidx.htm
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