General bridesmaid rant

jaime232

So, first, I have two bridesmaids who are "local" and able to help out with the most immediate stuff, but one of them has fought me on every single thing, and it's getting old.  Yesterday we were building invitations, which can be a bummer except that these were the invitations for the biggest day of my life, so I didn't treat it so much like a chore.  One bridesmaid did, and said the others (who have told me several times how bummed they were not to be able to help more) were getting off easy and that she's been doing so much more.  Her reaction to almost everything so far (going to the bach party, buying a dress, etc) has made it seem like this is a giant burden, despite the fact that I KNOW she would have flipped her shit if I didn't ask her to be in my wedding.  And let me also say, I haven't asked her to do much.  I have DIY'd all my stuff on my own, the invitations were the first big thing.  So, it's discouraging.  I've been in weddings and I know the expense is rough, but I also know that I felt genuinely happy for my friends and wanted to pitch in.

She also can't wrap her head around me wanting to lose weight/tone up for the wedding, and I get tired of those comments.  Like it's a crime to want to look a certain way.

Hopefully I don't sound like the crazy one here.. this is just months of frustration sort of piling up at once.  

manateehugger

jaime232 said:

So, first, I have two bridesmaids who are "local" and able to help out with the most immediate stuff, but one of them has fought me on every single thing, and it's getting old.  Yesterday we were building invitations, which can be a bummer except that these were the invitations for the biggest day of my life, so I didn't treat it so much like a chore.  One bridesmaid did, and said the others (who have told me several times how bummed they were not to be able to help more) were getting off easy and that she's been doing so much more.  Her reaction to almost everything so far (going to the bach party, buying a dress, etc) has made it seem like this is a giant burden, despite the fact that I KNOW she would have flipped her shit if I didn't ask her to be in my wedding.  And let me also say, I haven't asked her to do much.  I have DIY'd all my stuff on my own, the invitations were the first big thing.  So, it's discouraging.  I've been in weddings and I know the expense is rough, but I also know that I felt genuinely happy for my friends and wanted to pitch in.

She also can't wrap her head around me wanting to lose weight/tone up for the wedding, and I get tired of those comments.  Like it's a crime to want to look a certain way.

Hopefully I don't sound like the crazy one here.. this is just months of frustration sort of piling up at once.  

I'm stuck in the box. 

So, full honesty, yes, you sound like the crazy one. 

OF COURSE your bridesmaid thinks it's a chore to make your invitations - it IS a chore. It's not her wedding. She can be excited for your wedding without wanting to DIY a bunch of crap she wont care about in the long run. 

And, if I'm being honest, being a bridesmaid is a burden. It's a lot of money that goes down the drain for someone else's event. That doesn't mean it's a burden people wont happily take on (I have a few times), but it's definitely still a burden. 

The best way to make people excited about your wedding and less negative is to not bother them with it. Don't ask or require them to help you with your DIY projects, don't bore them with details they didn't ask for, just talk to them about how you're excited to celebrate and you're happy they can be there. 

It's great that you were happy to help other brides out, but that wasn't required. A bridesmaids only duty is to show up on time, sober, groomed, and in the right attire and to smile for pictures.

Also, if she's annoying you, stop talking to her about the wedding. Period. If you don't talk about it, she can't make comments. Or if she does, just say, "I don't feel like talking weddings right now," and change the topic.

Alikat9614

jaime232 said:

So, first, I have two bridesmaids who are "local" and able to help out with the most immediate stuff, but one of them has fought me on every single thing, and it's getting old.  Yesterday we were building invitations, which can be a bummer except that these were the invitations for the biggest day of my life, so I didn't treat it so much like a chore.  One bridesmaid did, and said the others (who have told me several times how bummed they were not to be able to help more) were getting off easy and that she's been doing so much more.  Her reaction to almost everything so far (going to the bach party, buying a dress, etc) has made it seem like this is a giant burden, despite the fact that I KNOW she would have flipped her shit if I didn't ask her to be in my wedding.  And let me also say, I haven't asked her to do much.  I have DIY'd all my stuff on my own, the invitations were the first big thing.  So, it's discouraging.  I've been in weddings and I know the expense is rough, but I also know that I felt genuinely happy for my friends and wanted to pitch in.

She also can't wrap her head around me wanting to lose weight/tone up for the wedding, and I get tired of those comments.  Like it's a crime to want to look a certain way.

Hopefully I don't sound like the crazy one here.. this is just months of frustration sort of piling up at once.  

Not sure what to say, as I haven't asked my BM's to do anything for me (nor will I most probably), but if they offer i guess I could find something for them to do? I'm not much of a DIY-ear myself. Weddings are expensive, which is why I helped my MOH out with buying her dress and am taking care of my cousin's hotel room since she is OOT. Maybe the other ladies here will be of more... help.

Maggie0829

The reason why your BM thought of putting together your invitation as a chore is because it was.  This is your wedding day and invitations, not hers, so her being all happy and excited to put together invitations for a day that doesn't pertain to her would have shocked me.

Also you asked her to help.  She said yes and now you are bitching about their attitude during the process?  Seriously?

If you don't like the comments that your BM makes about you wanting to get in shape then I suggest you stop talking about how you are exercising and trying to eat better.

And yes, you do sound like the crazy one here.  I understand that you are excited but no one will be as happy or excited about your wedding day as you will.

emmyg65

Yes, you sound like the crazy person. I wasn't even excited to put together my own invitations, and that was for my own "special day." It is a chore! Also, yeah, I don't really care to hear people talk about their weight loss.

Jen4948

You do sound like the crazy person. It is a chore to put together invitations-whether for your own event or someone else's. Your bridesmaid is not required to help you with DIY, putting together invitations, or any other aspect of your wedding. All she has to do is acquire the designated outfit, show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits, and pose for photos with a nice expression on her face. And if you don't like hearing comments about your weight loss, I'd refrain from making any. You don't have to like her comments, but she doesn't have to "wrap her head around" you wanting to lose weight for your wedding.

[Deleted User]

No one likes stuffing envelopes for anything, even for a friend's wedding.

If you don't want her comments, just don't talk to her about anything wedding related.

kmmssg

Another vote here for  you being the unreasonable one.  If you needed help it should have come from your FI, not asking people to do wedding tasks.

MairePoppy

Your friend helped you assemble invitations. Did you thank everyone who showed up to help and provide snacks and drinks to make it fun?

jaime232

LOL.  Okay well, thanks for the honesty.  Perhaps I should have also prefaced this with the actual text I sent her, which was, "I'm going to my aunt's on Sunday to do the invitations if you want to help," and if she decided to come out of some sense of obligation, it wasn't coming from me, because as I said, I haven't asked her to do anything up until this point.  

Lunch was provided, yes.

What else.. ah, yes, the weight comments.  I did comment that my dress made me look thinner and for that I was thankful, I didn't think that was a welcome invitation to criticize any efforts I'm making to look a particular way (which, compared to some crash dieters and avid work-outters, are fairly minimal).  

I think what it comes down to is that my expectations for bridesmaids based on my own previous experience is much different than some people's.  But, that's cool, because it'll make my future efforts much easier.

Thanks all for the input!

jaime232

And for what it's worth, I do sort of take offense to the idea that I'm "bitching" about anything.  Most of us have been through the wedding planning process, and if anyone came to me and said the entire thing was a breeze and they felt zero stress, I'd call bullshit.  But then again, anyone with tens of thousands of posts on a wedding message board site may be just way more knowledgeable and self-righteous than I am.  Generally the idea is to pick women up, not knock them down, but whatever.  

Maggie0829

jaime232 said:

And for what it's worth, I do sort of take offense to the idea that I'm "bitching" about anything.  Most of us have been through the wedding planning process, and if anyone came to me and said the entire thing was a breeze and they felt zero stress, I'd call bullshit.  But then again, anyone with tens of thousands of posts on a wedding message board site may be just way more knowledgeable and self-righteous than I am.  Generally the idea is to pick women up, not knock them down, but whatever.  

AddieCake

Where was your fiance on invitation building day?

southernbelle0915

AddieCake said:

Where was your fiance on invitation building day?

Exactly this. 

danamw

No you are not crazy. It is impossible to get any group of 5 women to agree on anything, ever.

I was MOH in a BP of 4, and the only time the 5 of us were in agreement was to pick out the dress. Bride gave us a choice of 2, one more expensive, one less. We all agreed unanimously on the more expensive one. That was the last time we were all in the same room until the church on the wedding day.

I asked that night, does anyone want to go get something to eat? The other 3 BM's gave variations on "No, I can't" No one agreed on anything after that and for alterations, the bride turned us loose, and said just get it done on your own.

It is annoying and frustrating but in this society everyone does what they want to do, when they want to do it, and the heck with any promises.

jaime232

danamw said:

It is annoying and frustrating but in this society everyone does what they want to do, when they want to do it, and the heck with any promises.

Agreed.. I have been lucky to have a fairly easy-going group of girls, but since many of them are out of town, who knows once we're all together.  Hopefully it continues to go smoothly, aside from the one who is (and almost always has been) the one to give me a little more friction.  I guess maybe I should chalk that up to her personality at this point.  OR I'm just like totally a psychopath bridezilla and out of line.   Thanks for the response.

AddieCake

As I seem to have been overlooked, I will ask again. Where was your fiance on invitation building day?

jaime232

Oops, apologies.  I thought I mentioned initially that he was there.  To be honest, and I mean this in the best way possible, a man's (or at least this man's) attention to detail when it comes to glue dots and centering pieces on other pieces is lacking comparatively.  I think it's fair to say that we are all a little more craft-minded than he was.

Viczaesar

jaime232 said:

Oops, apologies.  I thought I mentioned initially that he was there.  To be honest, and I mean this in the best way possible, a man's (or at least this man's) attention to detail when it comes to glue dots and centering pieces on other pieces is lacking comparatively.  I think it's fair to say that we are all a little more craft-minded than he was.

We as in women?  I call bullshit on that.

Viczaesar

Double post.

Maggie0829

Viczaesar said:

jaime232 said:

Oops, apologies.  I thought I mentioned initially that he was there.  To be honest, and I mean this in the best way possible, a man's (or at least this man's) attention to detail when it comes to glue dots and centering pieces on other pieces is lacking comparatively.  I think it's fair to say that we are all a little more craft-minded than he was.

We as in women?  I call bullshit on that.

Yeah I know a lot of women who hate being crafty, aren't very good at it and/or don't give a fuck about attention to detail.  But I do know a some men that are extremely crafty and love it.

BMoreBride6

danamw said:

No you are not crazy. It is impossible to get any group of 5 women to agree on anything, ever.

I was MOH in a BP of 4, and the only time the 5 of us were in agreement was to pick out the dress. Bride gave us a choice of 2, one more expensive, one less. We all agreed unanimously on the more expensive one. That was the last time we were all in the same room until the church on the wedding day.

I asked that night, does anyone want to go get something to eat? The other 3 BM's gave variations on "No, I can't" No one agreed on anything after that and for alterations, the bride turned us loose, and said just get it done on your own.

It is annoying and frustrating but in this society everyone does what they want to do, when they want to do it, and the heck with any promises.

Why would you all have to be together to do alterations? 

BMoreBride6

jaime232 said:

Oops, apologies.  I thought I mentioned initially that he was there.  To be honest, and I mean this in the best way possible, a man's (or at least this man's) attention to detail when it comes to glue dots and centering pieces on other pieces is lacking comparatively.  I think it's fair to say that we are all a little more craft-minded than he was.

I'm confused when it was decided that just because YOU pick a group of women, why people assume they will just magically get along fabulously, have the same schedules and finances, and the same interests? 

manateehugger

I, girly former sorority girl, am the worst fucking crafter in the world. My Army officer, gun-toting, cheap beer-loving husband is better than me at crafting and has a better eye for detail.

BMoreBride6

PDKH said:

I, girly former sorority girl, am the worst fucking crafter in the world. My Army officer, gun-toting, cheap beer-loving husband is better than me at crafting and has a better eye for detail.

Me too.  I mean well and can actually follow a plan really well, but I CANNOT make a decision about decorating (literally can't even picture how to hand pictures on the wall).  Husband on other hand is quite good at that spatial stuff. 

beachyone15

Agreed. There's no way I'd even think about bringing up assembling invitations to my MOH. I know from past experiences how much she hates any kind of crafting. I do have one BM who offered to help me make bows for the church pews so I'll take her up on that. Everything else I plan on doing myself unless someone else offers.

southernbelle0915

What I don't understand is why you need so many f-ing people to assemble invitations. From your posts, I count at least 4 people (you, 2 BMs and your FI), possibly more if you include your aunt whose house you were at and any other people who may have been there... 

That's kind of ridiculous. H and I DIY'ed our invitations together (custom printed envelopes, the whole shebang) - we invited 220 people. It took one evening and a bottle of wine. Done. 

The bottom line is that it's your's/your FI's responsibility and no one else's to do craft projects for your wedding - whether they are male or female. 

MegEn1

Viczaesar said:

jaime232 said:

Oops, apologies.  I thought I mentioned initially that he was there.  To be honest, and I mean this in the best way possible, a man's (or at least this man's) attention to detail when it comes to glue dots and centering pieces on other pieces is lacking comparatively.  I think it's fair to say that we are all a little more craft-minded than he was.

We as in women?  I call bullshit on that.

I read the 'we' as her and her BMs. 

danamw

I took it to mean, the groom was not as crafty as the women in the room at that time. Not all women in the world.

Breathe.

danamw

The bride thought her wedding was as important to everyone, as it was to her. She thought we would all want to do everything together, in the joy and happiness of being part of the wedding, her wedding.

I was single at the time, and had nothing else going on, but all the other BM's were full of "oh no, I can't do it that day" no matter what day it was!

One of the other BM's was a no-show at the shower. She told the Bride, that "Dana was supposed to call me to finalize the date of the shower." She claimed that the date I gave her was a tentative date. Not true! It was the only date there was!

My reaction was: "what is she, 12 years old, and I'm her mom? If she wanted to, she could have called me, or called someone else. She never called anybody!"

Just getting it off my chest.

jaime232

Yes, please breathe.. good god.  Calm the eff down.  I meant "we" as in my aunt, my bridesmaid (who is the self-proclaimed craftiest person we all know), and my fiance.  My fiance, unlike some of the previously mentioned male companions/acquaintances/wtf-ever, does not like to do this stuff, but he did.  That was my point.

My cousin owns the stationery shop where we ordered the invites from, and MAYBE her telling me that 100 invites took two assistants her EIGHT HOURS to assemble threw me for a little loop, since we were looking at 125.  I did not read the invitation-building etiquette handbook, I was really just going off what my own personal reaction would be (having been in weddings before).