Wedding 911

Help?! Uninvited Guests

My grandmother invited a childhood friend of my father's-- whom my father has been estranged from for his ENTIRE adult life. My father has no interest in rekindling this relationship & has firmly stated-- especially at my wedding.  The childhood friend, who has never met me or my future husband has reported (on a post my grandmother tagged me in on facebook-- uggh facebook!) that he, his girlfriend and adult son will be attending so and so's wedding (my name and fiance's name!!) and he needed details.

How do I solve this?  Do I ask my grandmother to solve this?
I don't think I should put my father in the middle. I don't know the man and don't want to be seen as a nasty jerk, but I'll do what I have to do, because, we don't have the space nor does my father desire these peoples' presence... and then of course, it's on facebook now and I just had to uninvite uninvited adult cousins of my fiance's-- The aunt and uncle were invited but rsvp'd for themselves, their adult/married wife and her husband and their NEW baby (that live in a different home/town!!) (she, by the way, has been married twice and never invited my fiance to either of her weddings?!) so I explained that we had a very small chapel and couldn't accommodate all of our family-- that they weren't able to be invited...was that the correct move? 

Any feedback about these things that will stop my racing mind are greatly appreciated.
uggh. weddings!

Any thoughts? 

Re: Help?! Uninvited Guests

  • My grandmother invited a childhood friend of my father's-- whom my father has been estranged from for his ENTIRE adult life. My father has no interest in rekindling this relationship & has firmly stated-- especially at my wedding.  The childhood friend, who has never met me or my future husband has reported (on a post my grandmother tagged me in on facebook-- uggh facebook!) that he, his girlfriend and adult son will be attending so and so's wedding (my name and fiance's name!!) and he needed details.

    How do I solve this?  Do I ask my grandmother to solve this?
    I don't think I should put my father in the middle. I don't know the man and don't want to be seen as a nasty jerk, but I'll do what I have to do, because, we don't have the space nor does my father desire these peoples' presence... and then of course, it's on facebook now and I just had to uninvite uninvited adult cousins of my fiance's-- The aunt and uncle were invited but rsvp'd for themselves, their adult/married wife and her husband and their NEW baby (that live in a different home/town!!) (she, by the way, has been married twice and never invited my fiance to either of her weddings?!) so I explained that we had a very small chapel and couldn't accommodate all of our family-- that they weren't able to be invited...was that the correct move? 

    Any feedback about these things that will stop my racing mind are greatly appreciated.
    uggh. weddings!

    Any thoughts? 

    Is grandma paying for the wedding? If not, here's what you do. 1). Untag yourself from grandma's post. 2). Call grandma and tell her the guest list for the wedding is set and you cannot accommodate any more people. Ask her not to invite anyone else. Also ask her to contact the random dude and let him know they are not included in the wedding plans. 3). Contact the random dude and say "I'm sorry for any miscommunications. We are not able to accommodate you and your guests for the wedding. Perhaps after the honeymoon we can get together and catch up?" (Obviously that last sentence is just bullshit, but it will sound like you aren't just blowing him off, although you are).
    image
    AddieCake
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope.
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    member
    Hi Grandma,

    I'm really excited to see you at the wedding (or whenever you're going to see her next). Unfortunately, StrangerMan and family weren't on the guest list and we will not be able to accommodate them. Could you let them know?

    Thanks!

    --

    All you've got to say is that you won't be able to accommodate anyone that wasn't specifically invited. If they press, say that there is limited seating at the chapel and that your goal is to be a good host, and then change the subject. Repeatedly.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
    doeydo
  • OH NO. She isn't paying for anything. Fully Bride & Groom funded. She believes that this wedding is a special homage to her though b/c our date ended up falling on her birthday (right? can it get any better?!) but she has been very excited & oversharing about it on ol' facebook.  I just don't want to create anymore family chaos then already exists.
    mileybangerzcaitlinmca
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope.
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    member
    You can change your facebook settings so that you have to approve posts that you are tagged in. You might want to do that to keep ol' grandma from doing stuff like this in the future.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
    atlastmrsgdoeydocaitlinmca
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    @beethery was a lot nicer in Grandma's request than I would have been. Also, call aunt and uncle and explain the invitation was just for them and you cannot accommodate any more.
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope.
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    member
    It helps that one of my grandmas has some pretty major paranoid delusion, and I have to be super nice to her.


    It also helps that I largely pretend my other grandmother doesn't exist, and due to that I am very good at saying the nicest shit with a friendly face and an inflected tone that could make a brick wall realize it is unwelcome and that it is time to fuckin' mosey.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
    Tetchie777NYCMercedesDanikaMarie0227
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I just have to say - holy jeez. What the hell? Why would she invite this random person? And why post on facebook? So strange! 

  • atlastmrsgatlastmrsg
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited August 2014
    As much as it seems like it would be her responsibility to undo it, and put you in a less uncomfortable place, you need to handle this yourself so you know it's done.  Grandma could be thinking a few people will no show,  or of course there will be extra chairs, and it's NBD.  Cut it off now.  Yourself.  And hire a DOC or planner to deal with any other potential  stragglers that show up day of or uninvited plus one/two/threes.
  • beethery said:
    You can change your facebook settings so that you have to approve posts that you are tagged in. You might want to do that to keep ol' grandma from doing stuff like this in the future.
    That only keeps them from appearing on OP's wall. They will still be on Grandma's wall for all of her friends to see.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • My grandmother invited a childhood friend of my father's-- whom my father has been estranged from for his ENTIRE adult life. My father has no interest in rekindling this relationship & has firmly stated-- especially at my wedding.  The childhood friend, who has never met me or my future husband has reported (on a post my grandmother tagged me in on facebook-- uggh facebook!) that he, his girlfriend and adult son will be attending so and so's wedding (my name and fiance's name!!) and he needed details.

    How do I solve this?  Do I ask my grandmother to solve this?
    I don't think I should put my father in the middle. I don't know the man and don't want to be seen as a nasty jerk, but I'll do what I have to do, because, we don't have the space nor does my father desire these peoples' presence... and then of course, it's on facebook now and I just had to uninvite uninvited adult cousins of my fiance's-- The aunt and uncle were invited but rsvp'd for themselves, their adult/married wife and her husband and their NEW baby (that live in a different home/town!!) (she, by the way, has been married twice and never invited my fiance to either of her weddings?!) so I explained that we had a very small chapel and couldn't accommodate all of our family-- that they weren't able to be invited...was that the correct move? 

    Any feedback about these things that will stop my racing mind are greatly appreciated.
    uggh. weddings!

    Any thoughts? 

    Is grandma paying for the wedding? If not, here's what you do. 1). Untag yourself from grandma's post. 2). Call grandma and tell her the guest list for the wedding is set and you cannot accommodate any more people. Ask her not to invite anyone else. Also ask her to contact the random dude and let him know they are not included in the wedding plans. 3). Contact the random dude and say "I'm sorry for any miscommunications. We are not able to accommodate you and your guests for the wedding. Perhaps after the honeymoon we can get together and catch up?" (Obviously that last sentence is just bullshit, but it will sound like you aren't just blowing him off, although you are).
    Since she's never met the man there is nothing to "catch up" on. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope.
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    member
    mysticl said:
    beethery said:
    You can change your facebook settings so that you have to approve posts that you are tagged in. You might want to do that to keep ol' grandma from doing stuff like this in the future.
    That only keeps them from appearing on OP's wall. They will still be on Grandma's wall for all of her friends to see.  
    Balls!
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
  • My grandmother invited a childhood friend of my father's-- whom my father has been estranged from for his ENTIRE adult life. My father has no interest in rekindling this relationship & has firmly stated-- especially at my wedding.  The childhood friend, who has never met me or my future husband has reported (on a post my grandmother tagged me in on facebook-- uggh facebook!) that he, his girlfriend and adult son will be attending so and so's wedding (my name and fiance's name!!) and he needed details.

    How do I solve this?  Do I ask my grandmother to solve this?
    I don't think I should put my father in the middle. I don't know the man and don't want to be seen as a nasty jerk, but I'll do what I have to do, because, we don't have the space nor does my father desire these peoples' presence... and then of course, it's on facebook now and I just had to uninvite uninvited adult cousins of my fiance's-- The aunt and uncle were invited but rsvp'd for themselves, their adult/married wife and her husband and their NEW baby (that live in a different home/town!!) (she, by the way, has been married twice and never invited my fiance to either of her weddings?!) so I explained that we had a very small chapel and couldn't accommodate all of our family-- that they weren't able to be invited...was that the correct move? 

    Any feedback about these things that will stop my racing mind are greatly appreciated.
    uggh. weddings!

    Any thoughts? 

    I feel ya. I was trying to keep my guest list relatively low and my Dad (who is paying for the majority so it's his right) tells me to invite a branch of family that I haven't personally seen in ages and who haven't invited any of us to their recent weddings. Then I ended up having to add his business partner and wife (who I was okay with because I grew up around them so I didn't mind terribly) but then one of his biggest clients as well - which I didn't appreciate as much because it's my wedding, not a networking event. Again, he's paying so I did as requested - though I didn't appreciate getting the blame when the food costs were higher than expected because of our headcount.

    Anyways - to answer your question: You need to have a conversation with your Grandma. Be polite and calm but stay strong. She has no right to be adding whoever she wants to your guestlist, regardless of whether or not it falls on her birthday. Additionally, I agree that you will probably need to reach out to the former family friend yourself to make sure he gets the message. I also would find a way to let family, etc. know that no one gets to add extra guests, especially without discussing with you first. It seems like you are having issues with multiple family members inviting extra people and that is something that needs to get nipped in the bud.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

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  • I just have to say - holy jeez. What the hell? Why would she invite this random person? And why post on facebook? So strange! 
    Seriously, my thoughts exactly-- I could entertain you for hours though with stories about her. I'm the only granddaughter and we've never had a particularly close relationship-- which I thought was weird b/c I'm so close with my maternal grandmother, but she posts this stuff about how ecstatic she is about the wedding on her birthday, etc-- and he isn't a random person to her-- just to my dad/immediate family. I found out yesterday that this StrangerMan stole my uncle's (Father's brother) girlfriend in their early 20's-- this is the woman that StrangerMan wants to bring to the wedding... the plot thickens. I am just going to have to man up and email him myself. Gaaaah! I can't wait for it to be done!
    50 days and it will be over!!!
  • Pulled the trigger-- Sent  a very specific (and what I intended to be gentle) facebook message explaining our wedding is invite only... I'll update if there is any comments/replies.

    Thanks for all your feedback, suggestions and just helping me not scream & curse someone (particularly the gma) out !!
    holyguacamole79
  • djfiveninedjfivenine
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    member
    edited August 2014
    The way some older people handle (or rather, mishandle) Facebook bothers me TO NO END.  There are unwritten rules, which may be unfair.. but seriously.  My wedding planning is not public info for all your friends that I don't know!!

    When I first got engaged, my aunt was posting about my wedding EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  She would tag me and my fiance in pictures of cakes she liked, dresses she thought would look good on me, ideas she had, etc.  It was SO public and it was getting to the point where my friends would be like "who is this lady constantly spamming your facebook with wedding stuff?" I at first would reply to her privately saying like, "thanks for the cake suggestion! Fi and I have a cake already picked out, wait till you see it!" and such.  But it did not stop. 

    So it finally got to a point where I had to send her an email asking her to please send me these messages privately, as all my other girlfriends do, and to keep the public/facebook stuff to a minimum.  I bookended every request with gratitude for her excitement for us and that we are so excited for her to be a part of our big day, etc etc.  She was SO OFFENDED by my email that she defriended me and has had nothing nice to say about our wedding since then.  All this for f*cking Facebook.  UGH!

    Sorry for the rant.... but I feel your pain.  It's so inappropriate, and I feel like our elders should know this!
  • The way some older people handle (or rather, mishandle) Facebook bothers me TO NO END.  There are unwritten rules, which may be unfair.. but seriously.  My wedding planning is not public info for all your friends that I don't know!!

    When I first got engaged, my aunt was posting about my wedding EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  She would tag me and my fiance in pictures of cakes she liked, dresses she thought would look good on me, ideas she had, etc.  It was SO public and it was getting to the point where my friends would be like "who is this lady constantly spamming your facebook with wedding stuff?" I at first would reply to her privately saying like, "thanks for the cake suggestion! Fi and I have a cake already picked out, wait till you see it!" and such.  But it did not stop. 

    So it finally got to a point where I had to send her an email asking her to please send me these messages privately, as all my other girlfriends do, and to keep the public/facebook stuff to a minimum.  I bookended every request with gratitude for her excitement for us and that we are so excited for her to be a part of our big day, etc etc.  She was SO OFFENDED by my email that she defriended me and has had nothing nice to say about our wedding since then.  All this for f*cking Facebook.  UGH!

    Sorry for the rant.... but I feel your pain.  It's so inappropriate, and I feel like our elders should know this!

    Jesus fucking christ. That sucks!
    image



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