Wedding Etiquette Forum

Your friends are judging your etiquette mistakes.

I have lurked the heck outta this board and have learned A LOT. This is my Public Service Announcement to all brides planning their special day: no matter how much your friends and family love you, they WILL judge your rudeness.

Story: One of my very good friends is getting married in a couple weeks. It's wedding #2 for both of them, so they wanted to do something very non-traditional and low-key. Awesome. They're just doing a quick ceremony and reception all in the same banquet room at a restaurant. Dinner and drinks, no dancing or anything. Pretty much all summer I have been looking forward to this wedding...and then this:

#1: Just found out a bunch of people were B-Listed. I wasn't one of them, but still...it makes me feel uncomfortable. And these people sure know since their invites were hand-delivered a week ago.

#2: Apparently we all get one glass of wine with our dinner and then any additional beverages (even soda) are at our expense. 

#3: There will be a donation jar for their honeymoon.

This is one of my best friends. I love her and am beyond happy for her. But all these things still put a bad taste in my mouth and I have tried to steer her around these things to no avail. I know this girl and her situation very well. She and her fiance don't have the money for a honeymoon and are very disappointed. But all I can think is that if they had chosen a cheaper venue, invited fewer people, scaled down on the extravagant menu, etc. they could afford to host our beverages (even if that just means soda and tea) and maybe they could have some kind of honeymoon. I was planning on giving her cash anyway since I know that's what they would prefer, but now that there is a donation jar, it makes me not want to give them anything!

So please keep in mind ladies, that your loved ones will not be pleased with bad etiquette even if they don't say so to your face. I am still going to this wedding and will be there for my friend, but to be honest I'm not looking forward to it nearly as much as I was before.

OliveOilsMomLiatris2010MNVegasindianaalum[Deleted User]shamrock789lyndausviKatieinBklnRebeccaB88cowgirl8238ohannabellerajahmdwrigleyvillefalsarajdluvr06perdonamisnippet17LabLove86themuffinman16[Deleted User]lovedrynbeharringtonTwilightSparkler
«13

Re: Your friends are judging your etiquette mistakes.

  • Ugh, that would annoy me too.  I might love my friends too much to make anything other than a tiny passive comment to their faces, but yeah, I'm judging you internally if you do any of these things.

    Glad you learned a lot by lurking!!!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    TeddiD34chibiyuithemuffinman16
  • Wow, that's kind of sad planning/"hosting.". I'd be mostly POed about the drinks, and bring my own 2L of soda.
    MommyKristin88perdonamiMadHops21PrettyGirlLost
  • @IndianapolisJane could not agree more! When my college roommate got married, she put so much work into a beautiful wedding. She had a tight budget but still somehow pulled off delicious food and an open bar in a really pretty venue. Our bridesmaids dresses were awesome, she did all the etiquette stuff, everything was perfect. But then.... the Dollar Dance started. I didn't know she was planning on doing this, and I was only 22 at the time so I didn't know much about weddings or wedding etiquette or even what a dollar dance was, but even then it seemed really tacky and I was embarrassed for her. The more I read these etiquette boards and plan my own wedding, the more I'm embarrassed for her. Would I ever give her crap about it? No. I love her and she's an awesome friend. But do I secretly judge how much that was in bad taste? Absolutely.
    image
  • There are also going to be games...because she thinks no one will know what to do since there is no dancing. Not exactly an etiquette thing, but come on! We are all adults. We know how to mingle and entertain ourselves sans DJ.
    lyndausviPrettyGirlLost
  • There are also going to be games...because she thinks no one will know what to do since there is no dancing. Not exactly an etiquette thing, but come on! We are all adults. We know how to mingle and entertain ourselves sans DJ.
    This would annoy me. By omitting a DJ, dance floor, dancing of any form, etc. and the very location/style of the reception indicates to me that once dinner is over, the event has concluded. There is no reason to try and keep adults "entertained," and I'm sure it's going to be super-awkward since most people will be ready to go after dinner but feel obligated to stick around and play silly games. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Still haven't gotten a Thank You note for my friend's shower gift (back in April) or her wedding gift (June).

    Wedding, NBD-  she and her husband married, went on a honeymoon, and moved to their new house all in the same month, but the shower gift... sigh. 
  • Oh good lord. I'm really not one of those people who flips their shit about a cash bar. Yes, I think it's rude and I will NEVER tell have one but, to make someone pay for a pop?! That's seriously wrong. That is where I judge the hell out of you.

    image

     

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    image
    chibiyuiMommyKristin88
  • I feel you sister. One of my best friends is having a cash bar at her wedding, and yesterday tried to talk me into a tiered reception. 

    image
    image
    chibiyuiperdonami
  • My best friend managed to have a mostly etiquette approved wedding. Only she and the groom got champagne for the toast (which was weird), but that was it that I can remember. The hosted bar refused to serve shots, though I think that was the venue and had nothing to do with the bride and groom.
    However, she dictated her bachelorette, which led a to pretty big fight between the two of us, plus another bridesmaid. Luckily she apologized and backed off the planning, but it did sour my feelings for quite a while. Her bachelorette was a total shit-show in the end, but that was 100% the MOH's fault. Well, maybe 10% was alcohol's fault.
    Her now FIL also tried to not invite SOs to the rehearsal dinner, but she put her foot down and insisted. It was a little awkward when BF and I thanked him for the meal before leaving, but oh well.
  • I had to go to a cash bar wedding last year. Since I knew about it beforehand, I brought a flask (don't judge me) and figured I would just mix it with some free soda. Wrong! Each soda was like $3, and then I felt obligated to tip the damn bartender. And of course, I told the couple what a lovely wedding, blah blah, even though in my head I was thinking "You just made me spend $3 on soda?!"
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I have not been to a wedding with a cash bar. If there was free soda I wouldn't care because I don't drink.

    But I am really a dinosaur when it comes to thank you notes. I don't even mind if they are not handwritten to me personally, mentioning my gift. I just want a small card to come in the mail, acknowledging my gift.

    I have been set straight by a lot of people 1. You give a gift out of love, and should not want thanks. 2. It is too time-consuming, expensive and PITA. 3. No one wants them. They get thrown in the trash immediately.

  • I've mentioned in another thread that I'm bringing back the TY note in my family.  I have started writing TY notes for everything; when my aunt and uncle hosted a bunch of family members for the weekend of Grampa's funeral, when Gramma mailed me dollar coins from Grampa's coin collection, and I'll probably send one after our friends host us at a lunch this weekend.  I'm bringing them back.

    Also, I'm INCREDIBLY annoyed that I haven't gotten a TY note from my cousin.  Her wedding is tomorrow, but I shipped her a gift back in June.  She probably opened it at her shower over July 4th weekend, and I still have no idea if she received it.  If I had gotten a TY note, she would be getting a second gift from me for her wedding gift (the first being a shower gift), but since I've yet to discover if she's appreciative or not, she gets nothing more from me.
    ladybird29
  • danamw said:

    I have not been to a wedding with a cash bar. If there was free soda I wouldn't care because I don't drink.

    But I am really a dinosaur when it comes to thank you notes. I don't even mind if they are not handwritten to me personally, mentioning my gift. I just want a small card to come in the mail, acknowledging my gift.

    I have been set straight by a lot of people 1. You give a gift out of love, and should not want thanks. 2. It is too time-consuming, expensive and PITA. 3. No one wants them. They get thrown in the trash immediately.

    Those are crap excuses for not writing a thank-you note. 
    1. Of course you give a gift out of love and don't need a thank-you but when you are giving a gift you say thank-you. It's rude not to. 
    2. Writing thank-you notes is not that hard, people took the time to pick out a gift you can take the time to write a note which probably takes less time than picking out the gift. 
    3. The thank-you note might get get thrown away but they are always appreciated

    **STUCK IN BOX**

    I actually KEEP thank you notes for a bit - I tack them on my fridge!
    cowgirl8238djfiveninebeharrington
  • We don't have the funds for a honeymoon right now either. Know what we're doing? We're waiting to take ours until we can afford to. Where exactly does she think she can afford to go with money (whatever money might be left after everyone has to buy their own drinks) thrown into a jar over the course of a few hours? The Super 8? That might discourage her if the etiquette side of things doesn't :) 
    wrigleyvillejnissaLiatris2010PrettyGirlLost
  • My mom tried to talk me into a cash bar so we didn't have to pay for all of the reception. DH and I thanked her kindly for the suggestion, but decided, thanks to the advice from ladies on here that no we were not going to make our guests open up their wallets. Then she had her anniversary party. She had a cash bar. When her grandkids (not my kids, my stepsisters) came up to her and asked her for money to buy a soda it hit her how rude it was to make people pay for drinks at a party you were hosting. She said it was the one thing she wished she had done differently. So yeah, friends and family will not tell you what you are doing is rude, but they will think it and talk about it with others. There will come a time when it will hit you as well how rude it is as well. My mom is still ashamed to this day making her family pay for something as simple as a drink.
    [Deleted User]indianaalum
  • My best friend managed to have a mostly etiquette approved wedding. Only she and the groom got champagne for the toast (which was weird), but that was it that I can remember. The hosted bar refused to serve shots, though I think that was the venue and had nothing to do with the bride and groom.
    However, she dictated her bachelorette, which led a to pretty big fight between the two of us, plus another bridesmaid. Luckily she apologized and backed off the planning, but it did sour my feelings for quite a while. Her bachelorette was a total shit-show in the end, but that was 100% the MOH's fault. Well, maybe 10% was alcohol's fault.
    Her now FIL also tried to not invite SOs to the rehearsal dinner, but she put her foot down and insisted. It was a little awkward when BF and I thanked him for the meal before leaving, but oh well.
    Lots of venues have a no shot policy.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    cowgirl8238PrettyGirlLost
  • My best friend managed to have a mostly etiquette approved wedding. Only she and the groom got champagne for the toast (which was weird), but that was it that I can remember. The hosted bar refused to serve shots, though I think that was the venue and had nothing to do with the bride and groom.
    However, she dictated her bachelorette, which led a to pretty big fight between the two of us, plus another bridesmaid. Luckily she apologized and backed off the planning, but it did sour my feelings for quite a while. Her bachelorette was a total shit-show in the end, but that was 100% the MOH's fault. Well, maybe 10% was alcohol's fault.
    Her now FIL also tried to not invite SOs to the rehearsal dinner, but she put her foot down and insisted. It was a little awkward when BF and I thanked him for the meal before leaving, but oh well.
    Was it available at the bar?  Some venues I looked at (especially consumption only bars) discouraged a champagne toast because so many people don't drink it and you end up with mostly full glasses of it going to waste.  As long as it was available at the bar (and hosted) for anyone who wanted it I don't see an issue with not pouring it for everyone.

    Oh, and it was probably the venue that refused shots.  Once when H was a groomsman and went to get a shot for the groom the bartender told him he couldn't serve shots because of their liability policy, and suggested he order a whiskey neat instead.
  • edited August 2014
    Yep.  Not going to my cousin's wedding tomorrow, but it was stated on the wedding website that it's a cash bar.  One (of many) reasons I'm not going is because I just can't believe my aunt (who is paying for her daughter's wedding) can't even buy me a beer!  I'm not driving up 10 hours to podunk-ville, missing a couple days of work, driving back 10 hours, to pay for my own Coke.  (Website said only free drinks were punch and water; any thing else including soda would be cash bar.)

    ETA: an excerpt from their wedding website.  *sigh*

    Additional Information

    Cocktail Hour: 5:00pm
    Dinner: 6:00pm
    Dance: 7:30pm - midnight 
     
    Bar Hours: 5:00pm - 11:00pm 
    Bar will only be serving beers and wines and pop. NO HARD LIQUOR IS ALLOWED. 
    This will be a cash bar. 
     
    NO OPEN DRINKS ARE ALLOWED OUTSIDE THE BUILDING EXCEPT FOR THE BACK PATIO. 
     
    Other drinks served will be punch, water, and coffee. 
     
    There will be a children's buffet. Food choices for this have not been made yet, but it'll probably be something like mac & cheese and hot dogs and other sides. 

  • mysticl said:



    My best friend managed to have a mostly etiquette approved wedding. Only she and the groom got champagne for the toast (which was weird), but that was it that I can remember. The hosted bar refused to serve shots, though I think that was the venue and had nothing to do with the bride and groom.
    However, she dictated her bachelorette, which led a to pretty big fight between the two of us, plus another bridesmaid. Luckily she apologized and backed off the planning, but it did sour my feelings for quite a while. Her bachelorette was a total shit-show in the end, but that was 100% the MOH's fault. Well, maybe 10% was alcohol's fault.
    Her now FIL also tried to not invite SOs to the rehearsal dinner, but she put her foot down and insisted. It was a little awkward when BF and I thanked him for the meal before leaving, but oh well.

    Lots of venues have a no shot policy.  

    Even if it was the bride and groom, who cares? I think they have the right to deny shots. They are paying..... Those who pay have a say.
    image
    image

    image


  • The no dancing wouldn't bother me too much. I have several Baptist in my family who got married and had receptions in their Church so no dancing was permitted.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards