How many times is it appropriate to change clothing during your own wedding?

missdelilah

Hi: I'm sure there have already been a million posts on this topic, but I didn't find any, so, starting a new one.

Thanks to the help of some wonderful members of this community I've finally chosen a wedding dress.  I've always been a little on the fence about the idea of sitting through a meal in a dress that costs upwards of $1000, and the possibility of accidents, so I've been thinking about a less expensive reception dress, that I don't have to be super careful of.  It's just totally my sort of luck to have someone spill red wine on my gown.  It's happened before at another event, but fortunately it was a blue dress and I was able to have a professional cleaner remove the stain.

I also want to try and do a little something to make my father's wife happy (we're not going with step-mother since they only got married two years ago, and we decided that it seemed a silly for her to become step-mom to two adults).  Last year, when I went for a visit, I asked her to take me out and have a dress made for me.  I didn't want get a white dress, because to be honest, we drive past the dress maker she recommended every time we go to the supermarket, and the stuff in the window is generally really gaudy.  I wasn't at all sure that they would make something that I liked, and I didn't want to give her an impression that I would be wearing it to the wedding if it wasn't up to standard.  It turned out beautifully (if a little too big).  

I wouldn't mind spending some of the reception in it, but I want to do the dances and the cake cutting looking like a traditional western bride.  I'm thinking that this involves ceremony dress, thai dress for entrance and dinner, and reception dress or back to ceremony dress for dances and cake cutting.  Is this too much for not a Thai wedding?  Even as a guest at Dad's wedding I had to change three times, and his wife got changed four or five, I think (I say I think, because I'm on some meds that screw with my memory, and I don't want to go through my 600 pictures of their wedding right at this point).  I'd really appreciate some advice on this.  I don't want to end up with everyone comparing me to Anne Hathaway at the Oscars.

Here's a picture of the dress I had made, in case it helps.  I'm not going to have it taken in until closer to the date.  Sorry, the pics aren't great.  We took them really quickly as I had a request to email some back to Bangkok.  

Thanks for weighing in!

hyechica81

so is this the dress you are wearing for the ceremony? and not doing a traditional white or ivory dress? 

i wore a traditional ivory dress and i did not change out of it at all kept it on the whole night 

missdelilah

Sorry, I wasn't clear in my original post.  I have an ivory gown to wear for the ceremony.  The blue dress is the one I want to wear for at least a little while on the night because I think it will mean a lot to my dad's wife.

vmj23

For something I spent so much money on, you bet I was wearing it the entire wedding. I wouldn't even consider changing! It's the only time I'd be wearing it! And I did spill red wine on it while dancing! Tide stick to the rescue and it was no big deal at all. By the end of the night my dress had red wine on it the bottom was dirty from walking around, but none of that mattered. Besides loving my dress and not wanting to take it off, the night goes by so fast as it is, I couldn't imagine stopping even once to change!

missdelilah

Thanks @jenni1221. A lot of other women have expressed similar statements about not wanting to take their dresses off. Perhaps once I have it fitted I'll feel the same way too. At this point it's just about adding a little touch to the day that will be meaningful to someone I love.

Ndelible

A lot of brides change several times. Depends on the length of your reception. Perhaps some things can be moved around so that you only change once? I've got two dresses (I love clothes) but choosing to stay in the main gown as long as possible. Don't ask about the dresses for the whole weekend! LOL.

AddieCake

I didn't want to take my dress off.

doeydo

I don't want to take my dress off and I don't want to waste time during my wedding day getting in and out of dresses.  I'll just try to be extra careful while eating and, if I spill anything, try to get it out but not sweat it too much.

missdelilah

I'm sort of basing my expectations on being a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding, which involved us spending the cocktail hour in her hotel room before the grand entrance, and another where we spent slightly less time in the bride's hotel room, thus, no time wasted getting changed.  I don't feel at all uncomfortable changing in front of my BMs.  I figure I can do a dress change (with assistance) in a total of two minutes - including hanging and bagging the original dress.  The second change is logistically a little harder, as I would have to do it in the reception venue restroom, but I'm told by the organizers that it's possible to do a change involving a ball gown in them.  

Thanks to all PPs for weighing in.

theartistformerlyknownas

jenni1221 said:

For something I spent so much money on, you bet I was wearing it the entire wedding. I wouldn't even consider changing! It's the only time I'd be wearing it! And I did spill red wine on it while dancing! Tide stick to the rescue and it was no big deal at all. By the end of the night my dress had red wine on it the bottom was dirty from walking around, but none of that mattered. Besides loving my dress and not wanting to take it off, the night goes by so fast as it is, I couldn't imagine stopping even once to change!

This. I didn't drop that much money on a dress to only wear it for the 30 minute ceremony.

A friend of mine wore an apron designed to look like a wedding dress in case she spilled during dinner; her H had one like a tux. I thought it was kind of hilarious.

I understand wanting to make your family happy, but are you Thai, or just your father's wife? I don't quite understand borrowing the cultural dress-change portion of a culture you don't belong to. (My apologies if I'm misunderstanding.) Maybe you could wear the blue dress to your rehearsal dinner as an homage to her? Although I also don't quite get going to so much trouble to please a woman you don't even want to call your stepmom.

missdelilah

@lolo883 It's more for her sake that I don't call her stepmom.  I'm 28 and my sister is 29.  It just seemed a little ridiculous.  Dad also wasn't keen on it because of the relationship he had with Mum.  He thought it was a bit disrespectful.  

We're not Thai, only my Dad's wife.  I have lived there for a combined total of about three and a half years, so it wouldn't seem strange to anyone who knew me if I wore a Thai dress for a time.  

We've decided against a rehearsal dinner, and doing a more casual cocktail "thank you" for the wedding party the following weekend.  Why do I want to attend a dinner where I'm served wonderful food and only going to be able to take three bites of it?  I've been in wedding parties where there was no rehearsal dinner, and everything ran very smoothly, so I'm not at all worried that everyone's going to be confused about what time to turn up or where to stand.  

And I figure that the photos are all going to be in the wedding gown, so in the end, does it matter whether I wear it for one hour or four?  

Mind you, FIs best mate says his wife has her friends over and they sit around in their wedding dresses all night.  It could become a tradition around here.  I think part of me also wants my dress to be in awesome condition so that I can pass it on.  I've worn Mum's (very un-wedding-ish and now blue) wedding dress to a couple of functions.  I don't see why my potential child couldn't dye it and wear it again.  Or maybe in thirty years it will be someone's dream vintage find.  I'm obsessed with vintage clothing, so was completely bummed that I couldn't find a suitable wedding dress.  Did find an awesome gown for someone else's formal wedding though.  

theartistformerlyknownas

Gotcha. I'm 31 and call my dad's wife of 5 years my step-mom (because I like her) but I don't call my mom's husband of 5 years my step-dad. Different strokes.

I don't necessarily think living someplace for a few years gives one right to cultural traditions necessarily, but I'll let that part go I suppose. I guess to me, it's more about the feeling and memories in my dress than the photos. It's my wedding dress, it means a lot to me to wear it for my whole wedding day. If I had a different dress that meant a lot to me to wear, I wouldn't have bought a wedding dress. I don't care if it ends up destroyed or as an heirloom; I want to spend my wedding day in my wedding dress. Not everyone has to share that sentiment though, so I think this will come down to personal and family preference.

theartistformerlyknownas

Oh I do have to ask - which dinner is this that you'll only be able to eat three bites of it? The RD?? I've never heard of a RD where the bride didn't eat.

missdelilah

Honestly, I feel like you're probably the worst person to have this conversation with @lolo883, simply because you told me that you really wanted my dress but couldn't get it for timing reasons.  On the other hand, I really enjoy chatting with you.

I'm not at all claiming any sort of cultural rights because I lived somewhere for a few years, I merely felt as though it was a nice gesture that wouldn't be considered odd in my circle.

From chatting with the women here, it's obvious that a lot of them feel much more sentimental about their wedding gowns than I do.  As I said previously, I may feel differently  once the dress arrives and is fitted properly.  I'm generally not a hugely sentimental person.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.  I really appreciate it.

theartistformerlyknownas

missdelilah said:

Honestly, I feel like you're probably the worst person to have this conversation with @lolo883, simply because you told me that you really wanted my dress but couldn't get it for timing reasons.  On the other hand, I really enjoy chatting with you.

I'm not at all claiming any sort of cultural rights because I lived somewhere for a few years, I merely felt as though it was a nice gesture that wouldn't be considered odd in my circle.

From chatting with the women here, it's obvious that a lot of them feel much more sentimental about their wedding gowns than I do.  As I said previously, I may feel differently  once the dress arrives and is fitted properly.  I'm generally not a hugely sentimental person.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.  I really appreciate it.

Haha no, this has nothing to do with what your actual dress is. Seriously. I have just seen/heard/experienced a lot of people being deeply offended at other people thinking their cultural traditions were cool/pretty/whatever and wanting to borrow them, despite not sharing the culture. And I would hate for people to feel that way toward you. But like I said, I'm willing to leave that decision to you and your dad's wife. I don't know your whole story.

How long you wear your wedding dress and how you feel about it is a personal decision. I have no sentimental attachment to my dress right now, but once I get married in it I know I will. In my experience at "western" weddings, nobody has changed their dress until it was time to leave. If you have reasons to want to change, and you think you have time in the schedule to do it, then do what you want to do. But you asked for thoughts/advice/personal experience and those are mine. 

RebeccaFlower

I roll my eyes when people change dresses. Why spend so much money on a dress to take off after an hour to change into a (generally less pretty) dress? Also, if you have the money to spend on two dresses, you damn well better be hosting well. 

ETA: And I'm really sorry, but I don't think the blue dress is very pretty or flattering on you

missdelilah

Thanks @RebeccaFlower.  It's completely fine for you to be honest with me.  The dress is not very pretty or flattering on me at the moment.  It would be totally dependent on how the alterations came out.  

The hosting and the dresses are completely different things, aren't they?  I've paid for both dresses, my dad is doing the hosting.  And yes, it will be done very well (one of the reasons we're having a small wedding).  I didn't order the blue dress with the express intention of wearing it my wedding, so maybe @lolo883 is right to suggest I wear it to another wedding related event.  

I do wonder though, at what point do you begin to share someone else's culture.  It's sort of a one way street on this in my experience.  Does anyone think it odd or insensitive that the vast majority of Thai people I know wear western style clothing, watch western TV with dubbing or subtitles, and eat a certain amount of western food?  Yet, when we do it, people find it odd.  When I visit, I communicate as much as possible in the Thai I know, eat a lot of Thai food, do a lot of things that most expats, let alone tourists, don't (like spend time in parts of the country where European languages aren't widely, if at all spoken), watch Thai movies with English subtitles, etc.  Is the difference that something is different when a lot of people in a society do it, rather than when just a few do?  Does that question even make sense given that a lot of people living in Thailand and adopting a lot of western cultural ideas isn't remotely like a western woman who's lived in Thailand for a while adopting a few of theirs when it's appropriate?  Now, that girl in my seventh grade class who was obsessed with Japanese culture without ever having been there or even met a Japanese person; that seemed weird to me.  But now I'm going off on a very unwed ding related tangent and starting to confuse even myself.

I was asked to wear a Thai dress for Dad's wedding, and didn't receive anything but good feedback, despite the fact that the dress was a really hastily altered rental and about three inches too short.  

I also kind of wonder how much of this on my part is knowing how much my sister spent on her wedding dress, and running some overly analytical cost per hour of wear calculations.

Thanks again for your input.  I do want and appreciate honest opinions. 

emmaaa

I had considered getting a reception dress originally. My dress is very formal and I wanted to feel more relaxed at the reception. A lot of brides choose to do this. I ended up deciding against it because of how much I loved my dress, I want to wear it as long as possible. This is one of those times that you can go either way and it won't effect your guests, so it doesn't matter. Some may side-eye it and others may like it and that's their prerogative. Ultimately if it doesn't effect your hosting, it can't hurt but IMHO, I wouldn't change.

climbingsingle

RebeccaFlower said:

I roll my eyes when people change dresses. Why spend so much money on a dress to take off after an hour to change into a (generally less pretty) dress? Also, if you have the money to spend on two dresses, you damn well better be hosting well. 

ETA: And I'm really sorry, but I don't think the blue dress is very pretty or flattering on you

I agree with this. 

missdelilah

Thanks Emmaaa.   I think it will come down to how the wedding dress fits when it arrives and I have it altered.  I'm thinking of a reception dress that's not white or ivory - I actually have a really lovely pink vintage number that I've not worn yet - so if I don't wear it at the wedding, I'll be able to wear it elsewhere without going to any hassle to alter it.  I think I was just a little worried as the lady at the boutique said I wouldn't be able to bend down in the dress without having a major wardrobe malfunction.  Then, of course, I remembered that the sample was six or seven sizes too large, and I'm sure the neckline and the back will sit differently and more securely when they actually fit, rather than just being clipped down.

msuprincess04

If you do the cake cutting and first dance after the ceremony and before dinner you wouldn't have to change back after changing out of your wedding dress. This also frees up time for the waitstaff to be able to cut the cake while everyone is eating dinner.

southernbelle0915

To answer the title of your post: as many times as you want.

I went to a traditional Sikh wedding this weekend where the bride wore this awesome beaded, intricate red gown for the ceremony. I can't even fathom how much it must have cost. Then for the evening reception, she changed into an equally intricate champagne colored dress. 

Personally, I didn't want to take my wedding dress off. Logistically, it didn't really make sense anyway - we were going at 90mph and didn't have time for wardrobe changes.

If you feel beautiful in the blue dress, that's all that matters, but personally, I really don't like it. I also don't think it makes sense to wear a dress because you think your dad's wife will like it. (???) Could you do something else that's special for her?

missdelilah

Thanks @southernbelle9015.  

I'm sure we can find something else to do for her, but the dress was Dad's suggestion.  As I said before, I would only consider it if the alterations came out properly.  But I think the previous suggestion of wearing it something else wedding related is probably better.  

missdelilah

@msuprincess04 Thanks. I'd thought about that, but was confused about the cake cutting, as I've never been to a wedding where that came before the dinner. I will continue thinking about that. I think a lot also depends on the quality of the cocktail hour. There should be enough food to tide everyone over, but if not, I'm sure someone will let me know, and we can do the dances after everyone has eaten. There are no really elderly or young people coming, so I'm not worried about people not being able to make it to the end of the reception; but I don't want my family and friends to be uncomfortable if I can avoid it - if that makes sense. I know not 100% of the guests will be satisfied after the cocktail hour (I can think of at least two off the top of my head who won't be) but if the majority are, it isn't a big deal to leave a couple of people waiting for food.

rooz103

I agree with the PP about it coming down to personal preference, and about how you want to honor your Dad and stepmom. In terms of how acceptable it is, a sizable percentage of the Asian weddings I've been to include a dress change at the reception, and I think it might be a more common practice in Asian weddings. 

Personally, I'll be changing at the reception and staying in the traditional dress, because it's a nod to culture that honors my family and other guests tend to think it's nifty. Using the same logic as PP, the traditional dress is a $1000 custom-made dress that was flown across the Pacific Ocean--why wouldn't I want to spend as much time in it as I could?

khaleesibride

@missdelilah‌ I think the cultural blue dress is beautiful. I get why you want to wear it and I also understand and respect that decision. It's actually a great idea to me. I've never been a fan of the dress changes but I slowly started to get it and would totally do it myself. At the end of the day, it's your wedding so do what makes you happy and if that's wearing a dress representing not only a culture you shared which you did btw regardless of what others say, but one that means something to your dad and his wife then go right ahead! It's your family and friends at your wedding, they love you and no one there should have anything negative to say about your own personal choices at your own wedding if they really love you and are there to celebrate your marriage. I hope you go with the blue dress but if you don't that's fine too!

missdelilah

Thank you @rooz103 I think the dress change is becoming more common at western weddings too. But maybe that's just the "Wedding Industrial Complex" - I can't remember which community member coined that term, but I wish I did! There's a whole industry of "reception dresses" out there. I love that your other guests think the dress change is nifty. Maybe because I haven't heard that word in a while. But I think there's underlying point here. Perhaps people assume that just because you had something made in Asia, it is cheap. Not the case with my dress either. It certainly didn't cost as much as my wedding gown, but it is the second most expensive dress I've owned up until I purchased the gown. Of course I want to get it fitted properly and wear the hell out of it. Of course, you can get cheap dresses made in Thailand; this happens to be not one of those. And I care less whether that one ends up as an heirloom than I do the wedding gown. At that point it has a different sort of sentimentality to it. Of course, my (potential) children will spend a lot of time in Thailand if we can afford it, so hopefully it will be something meaningful to them too, but it's hard to be know. @khaleesibride Thank you for understanding the shared culture aspect of this. By the logic of three and a half years being not long enough to adopt any part of a culture, it holds that I shouldn't be doing anything remotely American at the wedding unless my FI requests it, as I've only been here four years. And you're right. My family and friends and wouldn't bat an eyelid and possibly one very grumpy (and unfortunately a little racist) relative might be slightly side eyeing me, but I'm not making my decisions based on what he thinks. I'll definitely find some way of working it in to some event during that period, whether it's wedding related or not (I imagine there will tons of opportunities to meet up with my Dad and his wife, some of which will can call for formal attire if I plan things that way). Thank you both again!