Moms and Maids

Just engaged and they already stress me out. ..

I have been engaged for just a month and plan on having the wedding next August. I was already excited to look at dresses with my mother, step mother, MIL, and step sister. Now, I'm just stressed out and dreading it! I showed my step mother and step sister a bridal catalog and they are already telling me what dresses will not work because of my belly (I hada baby 10 months ago, I'm under my pre pregnancy weight but havea pouch) in the rudest way thati cried on the way home. I also showed them a grooms cake that both fiancé and I love because it fits us. They responded with "really? For a wedding? No, you shouldn't do that. That's stupid. " the cake is ofa truck in the mud because we like of roading.

I am losing sleep the night before meeting up with them, even for justa visit, because of how anxious I am thinking about their new comments. They've commented on bridal gowns, bridesmaid dresses, cakes, food, decorations, even who will our will not be in the wedding party.

How can I ask them to but out without causing a huge fight? I asked them not to continue asking about insurance and wedding stuff while I was pregnant because of the stress it caused me and I had no control over being proposed to or being offered insurance at work. No joke, they FREAKED OUT! They both cried to my dad, said I was an awful hurtful person who needed to learn to deal with stress ( the stress caused problems with the pregnancy!), screamed at me, said they were never going to talk to me again, said I couldn't handle being a mother, and other awful things.

What can I do now??

Re: Just engaged and they already stress me out. ..

  • mrscatymrscaty Philly member
    Fifth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    You need to stop talking to them about all things wedding (and life, potentially). They will never stop being who they are: rude, hurtful people. You do what is best for you and your FH. I know it's hard because it's family, but the best step would be to distance yourself as much as possible.  
    image
    lc07mirci1124
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Stop sharing details of your wedding or anything else about your life with them.  They are intrusive, hurtful, and apparently rude and have nothing good to say about you.  No matter what you share with them, they will find some way to cut you down.
    mirci1124
  • Being able to ignore people is one of the best talents to have in life.
    Happiness is an inside job
    MairePoppymirci1124[Deleted User]
  • So...how's the baby? Did you have a boy or girl? How is he/she getting through the night? Sorry, but as a past MOB and future MOG, I'd really mostly be wrapped up in baby and keep my nose out of wedding, babies are way more fun. As for you, stop, take a deep breath, close your eyes, count your blessings and don't do anything (even think) wedding for a whole week. Then decide who YOU want to talk to about what, when, where and how. Decide what YOU and FI envision for the wedding. If parents and FILs HAND over money, they do get a say in the part they are paying for. If you and FI are footing the whole bill, then smile politely and do the "bean dip".
    mirci1124[Deleted User]
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I have been engaged for just a month and plan on having the wedding next August. I was already excited to look at dresses with my mother, step mother, MIL, and step sister. Now, I'm just stressed out and dreading it! I showed my step mother and step sister a bridal catalog and they are already telling me what dresses will not work because of my belly (I hada baby 10 months ago, I'm under my pre pregnancy weight but havea pouch) in the rudest way thati cried on the way home. I also showed them a grooms cake that both fiancé and I love because it fits us. They responded with "really? For a wedding? No, you shouldn't do that. That's stupid. " the cake is ofa truck in the mud because we like of roading. I am losing sleep the night before meeting up with them, even for justa visit, because of how anxious I am thinking about their new comments. They've commented on bridal gowns, bridesmaid dresses, cakes, food, decorations, even who will our will not be in the wedding party. How can I ask them to but out without causing a huge fight? I asked them not to continue asking about insurance and wedding stuff while I was pregnant because of the stress it caused me and I had no control over being proposed to or being offered insurance at work. No joke, they FREAKED OUT! They both cried to my dad, said I was an awful hurtful person who needed to learn to deal with stress ( the stress caused problems with the pregnancy!), screamed at me, said they were never going to talk to me again, said I couldn't handle being a mother, and other awful things. What can I do now??


    First, stop all wedding talk with stepmom & step sister.  If they ask just say, "We haven't decided on that yet." or "Thanks for your opinion, I will talk it over with FI when we decide on x."  Never give out actual details, don't show them pictures, or anything else.  They have a pattern of behavior, you know what it is, so you know how to disengage that.  They cannot upset you if you don't involve them.  So don't invite your stepmom or stepsister to your dress shopping. 

    Also, if they refuse to stop trying to talk to you about the wedding or anything really, just calmly state: "Stepmom, I love you, but you know my feelings on this subject and I don't want to talk to you about it any further.  So why don't you tell me about x."  If she persists, then leave or hang up the phone.  If they complain to your father and he says something to you, again stay calm.  Just tell your father: "Dad, Stepmom & I have differing opinions on the wedding (or x) and I didn't think it was necessary to discuss the wedding since it always ends up in hurt feelings on my part."

    Remember, you cannot control how others act, but you can control your reactions to them. 

    mirci1124MairePoppy[Deleted User]
  • You've gotten some good advice.  I'm just going to add do not take all those people dress shopping with you.  Limit yourself to one or two people who aren't going to make you feel bad about yourself.  And I can totally relate to losing the pregnancy weight plus some but still having the shape.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    mirci1124
  • It really is hard! I even tell them that I am under my pre pregnancy weight and they literally roll their eyes and say "Right, well...".  I thought for sure I could take 4 or 5 people with me, thinking they were the ones that would be helpful instead of bringing me down. Now I think I can only take my mother, MIL, and MOH with me.
  • I had a little girl and she is hilarious. She's always been in the 90% for height, weight, and head so she (I think) believes she is older than she is. She's always doing things earlier than expected and our parents keep saying we shouldn't let her do these things. I figure, if she thinks she's ready, then she's ready to try and will keep practicing until she gets it.

    She's good through the night, but is a cuddle bug like both her dad and I. She wouldn't sleep in her crib until about 6 months. She would wake up within 15 minutes of being in her crib, every time. She just wanted that closeness with us, I think. Now though, she'll sleep until about 2 or 3 AM  and then will refuse to go back to her crib. She'll get up every 30 minutes to an hour if I put her back in her crib after that. So, she ends up spending a couple of hours with us in bed.

  • Thank you all for your advice, I greatly appreciate it!  I didn't know if it was just me being insecure or sensitive.  Again, THANK YOU!
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I like you Knottie#s.  Stick around and talk wedding with us!  We LOVE weddings, that's one reason most of us are still here long after our own.  Just one bit of advice, please change your username!  We have had an influx of Knottie#s lately and they are hard to distinguish from each other!
  • I like you Knottie#s.  Stick around and talk wedding with us!  We LOVE weddings, that's one reason most of us are still here long after our own.  Just one bit of advice, please change your username!  We have had an influx of Knottie#s lately and they are hard to distinguish from each other!

    I've finally changed my username. Thank you for the reminder!
    OliveOilsMom
  • mirci1124 - I think PP's advice is best, in terms of just not talking wedding with veryone. You'll always invite opinions that way.

    However - if you WANT their opinions, but don't want as many of the negative comments, you might try to narrow down your choices to 2 or 3 things that you like, THEN ask for input. For example, I bought my wedding dress while out shopping with just my mom. I had my MIL and SILs come to my first fitting with me to get their opinion - at that point, it was a done deal, so their feedback was pretty helpful. They all have super strong opinions, so I know that if/when my FI and I share details, they are details that we have already decided upon, or don't have a strong opinion about. This way, we're not annoyed or sad if they don't agree with us. It's worked pretty well so far, and we're about 43 days out :)
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