Not Excited Over My Engagement

MsMoraga

Well let me start off explaining how I got engaged and maybe that can also help you girls see clearly where I come from or correct me if I am exaggerating.

My engagement wasn't like I expected at all; I had been sick for a couple of months and when summer came I decided to getaway a couple of months to my dads house in Florida. After a month my boyfriend decided to join me for a couple of weeks + we planned a weekend in Miami.

So we had an agreement that we would exchange gifts when he arrived (as a happy to see you again). I gave him a collage of our pics and a romantic letter and also bought him 2 t-shirts and I asked him where my gift was? He said he forgot so I was a bit disappointed, we started arguing about it and I was trying to read a book at the time and all of a sudden he gives me out of nowhere a little wrapped box.

I thought it was a normal gift (looked nothing like a ring box) and when I opened it I thought it was a joke, he didn't say anything, he didn't kneel...he just looked at me and said if I wanted to be with him. I thought this was a practical joke, but it wasn't it was the real deal. So after I finally got through my thick skull that I was engaged I was in SHOCK. Then I realized I was wearing my pj's, no make up and my hair looked like crap!

The moment we get engaged my bf (now fiancé) looks at me and says "well its your fault it didn't go down romantically". I was like what?! I didn't force you to propose if you couldn't wait for a better moment it is not my problem! So to make matters worse my mother gave me a hard time about my engagement and ended up ruining the rest of the day.

We've been together for 5 1/2 years. I am 25 and he is 27. Can someone tell me if I am exaggerating of losing the excitement of my engagement? I tried to arrange engagement pics but he shot me down, I tried to take some pics at home with our cam and he also shot me down...

Thanks girls for sharing your knowledge and opinion with me

Maggie0829

MsMoraga said:

Well let me start off explaining how I got engaged and maybe that can also help you girls see clearly where I come from or correct me if I am exaggerating.

My engagement wasn't like I expected at all; I had been sick for a couple of months and when summer came I decided to getaway a couple of months to my dads house in Florida. After a month my boyfriend decided to join me for a couple of weeks + we planned a weekend in Miami.

So we had an agreement that we would exchange gifts when he arrived (as a happy to see you again). I gave him a collage of our pics and a romantic letter and also bought him 2 t-shirts and I asked him where my gift was? He said he forgot so I was a bit disappointed, we started arguing about it and I was trying to read a book at the time and all of a sudden he gives me out of nowhere a little wrapped box.

I thought it was a normal gift (looked nothing like a ring box) and when I opened it I thought it was a joke, he didn't say anything, he didn't kneel...he just looked at me and said if I wanted to be with him. I thought this was a practical joke, but it wasn't it was the real deal. So after I finally got through my thick skull that I was engaged I was in SHOCK. Then I realized I was wearing my pj's, no make up and my hair looked like crap!

The moment we get engaged my bf (now fiancé) looks at me and says "well its your fault it didn't go down romantically". I was like what?! I didn't force you to propose if you couldn't wait for a better moment it is not my problem! So to make matters worse my mother gave me a hard time about my engagement and ended up ruining the rest of the day.

We've been together for 5 1/2 years. I am 25 and he is 27. Can someone tell me if I am exaggerating of losing the excitement of my engagement? I tried to arrange engagement pics but he shot me down, I tried to take some pics at home with our cam and he also shot me down...

Thanks girls for sharing your knowledge and opinion with me

You need to get over the fact that you didn't get your dream proposal and you need to focus on the fact that you are engaged to someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Honestly, I can see why your FI said what he said also why he is probably shooting down e-pics and such.  I mean you really didn't have the best reaction to when he proposed.  Did you even seem excited about it?  I mean, at the moment when the person you love proposes (regardless of how he proposes) the last thing you should be worried about is your hair and and makeup and outfit.

I think you are focusing too much on the actual proposal and not thinking about the fact that you are engaged (yay!) and will be planning a wedding where you get to marry your FI (again, yay!).  So it didn't go the way you wanted it to.  So what?  It doesn't change the fact that you are engaged.  And, not to be mean towards your Mom, but fuck her.  So stop focusing on something that you can't change and start focusing on something that you can, like your attitude about your engagement.

Edited because it quoted twice for some reason.

Maggie0829

I would also like to add that it is okay to be slightly bummed if the proposal didn't go down the way you had thought it would. But that bummed feeling should only last a minute or two and something that you only vent here and think about in your mind and should be quickly overridden by the fact that you are engaged. You are engaged!!! Congrats!! It is exciting. And I would like to add that I think simple proposals that come out of no where, like yours, are sweeter and more special and even more surprising then one's that are done after a long day of over the top romantic gestures.

manateehugger

Girl - some guy just asked if you'll permit him to place you above all other human beings in his life forever. That's an amazing thing. Who cares if you didn't look or feel your best? I think that makes it infinitely more genuine. Even when you look and feel like crap, he looks at you as the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I think a quiet, intimate moment like that is INFINITELY more romantic than some big public to do - because it's about YOU and your relationship, not about the show. 

Put all the stupid pintrest crap behind you and realize that you are ENGAGED to the man you LOVE. 

Maggie0829

PDKH said:

Girl - some guy just asked if you'll permit him to place you above all other human beings in his life forever. That's an amazing thing. Who cares if you didn't look or feel your best? I think that makes it infinitely more genuine. Even when you look and feel like crap, he looks at you as the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I think a quiet, intimate moment like that is INFINITELY more romantic than some big public to do - because it's about YOU and your relationship, not about the show. 

Put all the stupid pintrest crap behind you and realize that you are ENGAGED to the man you LOVE. 

QFT

KatieinBkln

Ditto the PPs on this one. Your FI loves you. He loves you when you're cranky, when you've been sick, when your hair is shit and you're in your PJ's. You could look at it as being a kind of weird/unromantic proposal, or you could take it for what it is: The ultimate compliment. He loves YOU, lady! Thick and thin, he wants to be with you. That is awesome!

Do be careful throughout wedding planning that you don't get too caught up in how things are "supposed" to go or what you had imagined. Of course, part of wedding planning is making your imagination a reality, but it's really easy to get carried away and freak out over not being able to pull off X or Y cool thing and losing sight of the whole point of the thing: marrying your FI. (Pinterest and the entire wedding industry will not help you on this point--it's in their interest to get you excited about "visions" and spend $$. I try to remind myself of that when The Knot (magazine) likes to tell me that the cheapest weddings they cover cost $30k).

Congratulations on your engagement! 

nancieraven

I have a slightly different take on it.  While I wouldn't put too much stock in the fairy tale proposal, I would expect the man you've been dating for 5+ years and who wants to spend the rest of his life with you should know your level of sentimentality and, when he "misses" is a little apologetic, and not accusatory.

So, yeah, be happy you're engaged, but perhaps you both need to acknowledge your potential differences and understand how you'll have to reconcile those in the future.  He sounds very pragmatic.  You sound a little dreamy (I am, too).  My FI and I run up against this on birthdays (which I blow WAY out of proportion) and getaway weekends.  But we've learned to understand each other's expectations so the hurt feelings/irritation doesn't happen anymore.

climbingsingle

When my FI proposed, I was sweaty and in yoga pants, a tank top and sneakers. My hair was a mess and I'm pretty sure I had sweat off all of my makeup. I did not give two shits about any of that. I was ecstatic that he proposed. 

Honestly, I see some red flags in your post, on both of your parts. You fought because he forgot a present. He then proposed while you were fighting and blamed you for it not being romantic. Your mother doesn't seem to approve. And you don't seem particularly happy to be engaged. 

I have to ask - do you actually want to marry this man and spend the rest of your life with him?

thisismynickname2

I'm really bothered by the fact that he blamed you for the moment not being romantic. That sticks out to me and leads me to agree with what ClimbingBrideNY said above.  

Since you brought up age, if you're 25 and have been with him for over 5 years, are you both sure you are meant to be together or is this one of those, "Well we've been together forever and society tells us it's time to get married" type of things?  Have you ever considered if there are other fish in the sea?

I know quite a few people who married in their early 20's because of some weird societal pressure to settle down.  These people are divorced and in some cases are onto their second marriages.  

Maggie0829

Look I am not backing up the OPs FI but honestly, if the OP acted unexcited, peeved and more concerned about her looks at the moment of the proposal I can see why her FI is blaming her for the moment not being very romantic.  Now, was it appropriate of him to tell her he blames her?  No.  But I can kind of see why he may be thinking it.

VulgarGirl

So you're in your PJs, your hair is a mess and you don't have a stitch of make-up on, plus ya'll just got in a fight and he's still saying he'd like to sign onto this for forever?

Sounds pretty romantic to me.

manateehugger

Maggie0829 said:

Look I am not backing up the OPs FI but honestly, if the OP acted unexcited, peeved and more concerned about her looks at the moment of the proposal I can see why her FI is blaming her for the moment not being very romantic.  Now, was it appropriate of him to tell her he blames her?  No.  But I can kind of see why he may be thinking it.

Yeah, I think telling her to run for the hills is a bit of an overreaction here. 

I can totally see my H getting pissed and hurt that I thought his proposal was crap. He was nervous and trying to tell me I was it for him - if I had thrown that back in his face over messy hair and an upset tummy, yeah, I think he'd be a tad emotional. 

Some people get caught up in the "supposed to's" like Katie said. As long as OP can take a step back and realize that each couple makes their own "supposed to's," they'll move on. 

raissyrais

@thisismynickname You have a good point. I wonder if this relationship could be one of these getting-married-because-everyone-around-us-tells-us-to. It's already a red flag that OP wasn't anymore genuinely excited and happy about the proposal. I do understand that is wasn't perfect but the question was asked and she said yes. I also agree that maybe her FI should have waited at a better time to propose. I'm concerned that he didn't have the maturity to do so nor the fact that he knows her well enough to know to give her a little time to cool off.

manateehugger

raissyrais said:

You have a good point. I wonder if this relationship could be one of these getting-married-because-everyone-around-us-tells-us-to. It's already a red flag that OP wasn't anymore genuinely excited and happy about the proposal. I do understand that is wasn't perfect but the question was asked and she said yes. I also agree that maybe her FI should have waited at a better time to propose. I'm concerned that he didn't have the maturity to do so nor the fact that he knows her well enough to know to give her a little time to cool off.

Umm, people not in their 20's are just as capable of doing this as not doing this. Seriously - what part about her post hinted that, "We're just getting married because society tells us we should" except her age? I don't understand why TK users are sometimes so apt to tell everyone that every little thing about their relationship is a red flag. 

Also, I'm sorry, the bolded is so whacky.  Honestly, I think the idea of showing up when your SO is feeling like crap, "forgetting" a gift and letting your SO get a little worked up over it, and then surprising her with a ring as his part of the gift exchange could have been a fantastic proposal. This guy clearly thought about it and had a plan. It's not like she was puking into the toilet and he tossed a ring in her direction. He had a plan, it didn't come off well, and they had a stupid fight.

What a better way to make you feel better when feeling down than getting engaged? I think this whole thing was just a miscommunication. It's not a red flag. It's a chance to learn to recover from a stupid fight as a couple and to ignore unwanted parent comments about your relationship. 

MollyandD

I actually see where you are coming from. If I were in a bad mood at the time of a proposal, it would have an effect on me.

 I didn't have a dream proposal. I was at the mall with my boyfriend of five years. We had talked about marriage, and as we walked by jewelry stores, he asked if I wanted to ring shop. We went a few places, I got my ring, and bam! Engaged. He never got on one knee, didn't have a nice speech, and he didn't even ask me to marry him. Still, I'm happy about it, because I love him, and I was happy during the whole process. We laughed, talked, and just had a great time while shopping. 

If we had been fighting, it would have made it harder for me to enjoy everything. That's just how I am about certain things. 

KeptInStitches

PDKH said:

Girl - some guy just asked if you'll permit him to place you above all other human beings in his life forever. That's an amazing thing. Who cares if you didn't look or feel your best? I think that makes it infinitely more genuine. Even when you look and feel like crap, he looks at you as the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I think a quiet, intimate moment like that is INFINITELY more romantic than some big public to do - because it's about YOU and your relationship, not about the show. 

Put all the stupid pintrest crap behind you and realize that you are ENGAGED to the man you LOVE. 

DAMNIT @pdkh, stop cutting onions. This is beautiful.

AddieCake

Not everything is a red flag and not everyone needs counseling.

thisismynickname2

I stand by what I said. One of my best friends was fighting with her then-boyfriend and he said, "I'm trying to propose to you!" All traces of fight were swept away and she was thrilled to be engaged. Many posters are correct that OP says she needs to get over the looks thing and be happy. She's posting here because she's not happy. Given how many people I know turned out not happy, and yes outside pressure is a real thing, I'm calling it like I see it. If OP comes back and says she's over the disappointment and thrilled, then wonderful.

MollyandD

AddieCake said:

Not everything is a red flag and not everyone needs counseling.

That's what I was thinking. It sounds to me like she just had a lot going on. Plus, she mentioned an unpleasant conversation with her mom about the engagement. Maybe she's just stressed, but I didn't see anywhere that doesn't completely love her fiancé. 

MollyandD

thisismynickname said:

I stand by what I said. One of my best friends was fighting with her then-boyfriend and he said, "I'm trying to propose to you!" All traces of fight were swept away and she was thrilled to be engaged. 

This is really sweet. It makes me think of a romantic comedy. But, not everyone works like that, myself included. If I were upset or in the middle of a fight, a proposal wouldn't make me suddenly feel better. It wouldn't mean I loved my fiancé any less or that we had major issues. I would just need some time to calm down and feel better. 

MuppetOverlord

I was proposed to while wearing a Fraggle costume.

I think it's time to move past this, smile and plan your wedding, because you accepted to marrying this man and you can't do anything to change the way he proposed.

StitelME

My FI proposed to me while i was in sweats and a baggy sweatshirt w/ zero makeup on. He also had a friend conveniently present to take pictures. I was still super excited and only worried about my appearance later when I saw the pictures. :-P

kns1988

I found my engagement ring on a Monday night when we were both in our ratty PJs. When I walked out of the bedroom with a shocked look on my face and told him what I found, he was ecstatic. He jumped up, threw his arms around me, and asked me to marry him. It was perfect for us. All of his plans for the "perfect moment" were thrown out the window, but neither of us cared because we were so happy to be engaged. 

People put too much emphasis on having a picture-perfect proposal; it's not about the pictures or the story. It's about marrying the person you love.

KenyanBeauty87

You should be happy that you are engaged! All of that other stuff should not matter! Congratulations! Please try to look past all of that materialistic stuff like gifts or that you looked like crap at that moment. I'm sure he didn't think you look like crap. Fighting about all of this is a big no no!! Hopefully you can both calm down and enjoy your engagement and the rest of your lives together!!

MsMoraga

Thank you girls for all the advice. I do want to point out I love my fiance and we have been through some ups and downs these past few months and he was always by my side which I truly appreciate. As for the comment I said of "not looking my best" at the moment I got engaged I would like to clarify that I did not say this to my fiancé and I did not think about it at the precise moment, I thought about it later when telling my friends how I got engaged. Also the whole "my mother not being happy about my engagement" really hurted me, I cried for a whole day and it basically sucked out all my excitement and happiness about the whole engagement. Once again, I thank you all for taking the time to advice me and give it to me straight. I guess I just have to relax and enjoy my engagement as it comes.

manateehugger

MsMoraga said:

Thank you girls for all the advice. I do want to point out I love my fiance and we have been through some ups and downs these past few months and he was always by my side which I truly appreciate. As for the comment I said of "not looking my best" at the moment I got engaged I would like to clarify that I did not say this to my fiancé and I did not think about it at the precise moment, I thought about it later when telling my friends how I got engaged. Also the whole "my mother not being happy about my engagement" really hurted me, I cried for a whole day and it basically sucked out all my excitement and happiness about the whole engagement. Once again, I thank you all for taking the time to advice me and give it to me straight. I guess I just have to relax and enjoy my engagement as it comes.

1. If you have friends who think your proposal is less significant because you weren't done up in full makeup and hair, you have stupid friends who don't understand what it means to accept a proposal. 

2. Your mom made an asshole comment, and I hope she realizes it. If not, just remember you are not her. Keep this in mind as you start planning if she's the type to dole out hurtful comments based on her own preferences. Don't involve her in much if you think the comments would continue. 

princessleia22

My husband proposed to me while sitting on a bench in parking lot of Disney World, after a really hectic, frustrating day there (busiest day of the year). It was freezing cold out, about 20 minutes earlier he had nearly got into a fight and had security called, and I was tired, in a bad mood, and just wanted to go home. So we were sitting there waiting for the shuttle bus, and he pulled out his wallet, opened it and inside he had the ring safety pinned to it (he was worried he's lose it), and says "I wanted to do this better, but, um... so... will you?".  Didn't get down on his knee... didn't even really ask me to marry him. "Um, so, will you" in a cold parking lot is not my idea of a romantic proposal.  But, after 4 years with him, and knowing I want to put up with his crap forever, I figured I'd take it and be happy.  Honestly, it was a pretty bad proposal, but it makes an interesting story... and no matter what, it's MY proposal story, so I'll choose to remember it as something good and I tend to look at the humor in it, rather than the disaster in it.

The next day, my dad took me for a walk to ask if this is really what I wanted and to remind me that its not too late to change my mind.  So, I don't think he was too thrilled about the engagement. Once he realized that this guy really was going to be around forever, he started giving him more of a chance, making an attempt at getting to know him, and started liking him more. By the time we got to the wedding (2 years later), my Dad was relatively accepting of the relationship and happy to walk me down the aisle.   My sister went through the same thing with my parents not being totally approving when she got engaged.  For her it was because they had only known each other for about 8 months and they thought it was too quick. But, she ended up sitting down and having a good heart-to-heart with my mom and they got everything worked out between them... and my parents are pretty happy with him now. I agree that it is hard to have parents not excited for you or not as approving as you would hope. I think sometimes they just have trouble accepting that step and that they need to learn to really let you go and let someone else take care of you.  

caitlinmca

My fiancé and I went shopping twice together, picked out the ring together, bought the ring together, picked up the ring together when it came back from being resized. I had that whole "dream" of wanting to be all dressed up in a dress, hair done, etc but that morning I was in bed asleep in my PJs when I got my ring as he was about to leave for work and just as I was about to get up for work. I knew it was coming for me, I don't do surprises well, I hunt for my Christmas gifts still and pester for birthday surprises.

Granted I wish I would of loved for a big long speech from my fiancé and something more romantic but I love the time we spent doing it together. Not everything goes the way you want it. Grow up and put on your big girl panties, he at least came down to see you while sick and wants to be with you.

holyguacamole79

I'm sorry your mom isn't excited for you; we all are!

steph861

My FI and I got engaged (there was no proposal) while drunk and watching our favourite sitcom. And I wouldn't have it any other way, because it reflected the kind of people we are far more than a full-on romantic proposal would have. ETA (freaking paragraphs) Do I sometimes feel weird telling people how we got engaged? Sure, but their judgments are their problem, not mine.

ShesSoCold

It may be time for you to lay off the pinterest. 

My now H and I had been together for five years when he took out a loan for something I thought was stupid and immature. I refused to help pay off this loan (we had combined finances) if there was no future and two months of fighting later, he proposed to me quietly at a restaurant. I had picked out the stone and helped pick out the setting. It wasn't the rom-com proposal so many women have come to expect but it was perfect and it was ours. 

My point (and probably the point of many other posts here) is that there are likely fewer than you think proposals that are huge over-the-top productions. That's not what should be important. What is important to me is that it was personal and the fact that we were actually getting married - not the proposal itself. 

I'm not trying to infer something about you specifically, OP, but I want to put it out there that brides also should put less emphasis on the wedding itself and more on the marriage. People so often get so caught up in planning "my big day" that they forget what it's really about or the commitment they're making.