MOH could give a crap

Knottie01690604

I'll try and keep this short, as I am trying to get outside opinions here.  I called my BFF after I got engaged several months ago and said "Get ready MOH" to her.   Since then, she has seemed completely uninterested in me, my engagement or my wedding.  Do I need to offer an explanation when I ask her to be a bridesmaid and not MOH?  My fear is that she won't be my friend anymore if I DON'T make her MOH, but she really has shown no interest at all in my wedding whatsoever and has already started using her 1 1/2 year old as an excuse for her lack of interset (legitimately, she said she hadn't asked any details at all because she's a mother).

 

Thoughts?  

NYCMercedes

Knottie53563854 said:

I'll try and keep this short, as I am trying to get outside opinions here.  I called my BFF after I got engaged several months ago and said "Get ready MOH" to her.   Since then, she has seemed completely uninterested in me, my engagement or my wedding.  Do I need to offer an explanation when I ask her to be a bridesmaid and not MOH?  My fear is that she won't be my friend anymore if I DON'T make her MOH, but she really has shown no interest at all in my wedding whatsoever and has already started using her 1 1/2 year old as an excuse for her lack of interset (legitimately, she said she hadn't asked any details at all because she's a mother).

 

Thoughts?  

Perhaps your expectation of her actions should be changed. She seems uninterested in your wedding. Are you interested in her toddler?

manateehugger

Knottie53563854 said:

I'll try and keep this short, as I am trying to get outside opinions here.  I called my BFF after I got engaged several months ago and said "Get ready MOH" to her.   Since then, she has seemed completely uninterested in me, my engagement or my wedding.  Do I need to offer an explanation when I ask her to be a bridesmaid and not MOH?  My fear is that she won't be my friend anymore if I DON'T make her MOH, but she really has shown no interest at all in my wedding whatsoever and has already started using her 1 1/2 year old as an excuse for her lack of interset (legitimately, she said she hadn't asked any details at all because she's a mother).

 

Thoughts?  

Are you for real? What entails completely uninterested? Do you call her up just to hang out and not to talk weddings? Is it possible she's avoiding you because you've got a little wedding- obsessed? And yeah, I would imagine a small child could keep a woman busy. It's not her job to care if you want roses or peonies.

Also, if you asked her to be MOH and now don't ask her because she's not jumping up and down over your engagement, I think that's a huge slap in the face to her. You shouldn't be picking your MOH based on who squees over your ring more. So yeah, I could see you inadvertantly ending your friendship over this.

jacques27

1.  You do not demote anyone.  Ever.  Maid of Honor is a position where you are honoring someone close to you to stand up with you and serve witness to your wedding.  It's not a job.  You are not her boss. 
2.  The MOH does not have "more duties" than a bridesmaid.
3.  The only duties the MOH and the bridesmaids have are to show up sober, in appropriate attire on the wedding day, and walk down the aisle before you and stand there without passing out.  Period.  End of story.  There are no other duties.  Anything else your MOH or any of your bridesmaids do for you (showers, bachelorette parties) are done out of the kindness of their hearts and not because their title obligates them to do them.  Those things are not required.
4.  No one will care about your wedding more than you or your FI do.
5.  Toddlers are hard work.  Really hard work.  More work than your wedding.  More important than your wedding.  It's a living, breathing tiny person who isn't fully capable of articulating their needs and is completely dependent on her.  They are freakin' hard work.
6.  It's your wedding.  Not hers.  She doesn't have to care above and beyond what she has to wear and what time she needs to show up on the day of the wedding.  Perhaps your wedding is the most important thing to you right now because it's all new and shiny and you're in the midst of planning.  Meanwhile, when you got engaged, the rest of us just kept on living our lives.  Go share your wedding thoughts with your FI, who really is the only other person who is going to care as much as you.  Give your MOH a break.  She's got a toddler to raise and her life to live.
7.  You do not demote anyone.  Ever.

mysticl

I have an almost two-year-old.  There I days I don't get me showered, let alone express interest in what other people are doing.  

lyndausvi

mysticl said:

I have an almost two-year-old.  There I days I don't get me showered, let alone express interest in what other people are doing.  

Seriously.    I lived OOT from my sister.  I swear there were about 4 years where she was hardly interested in anything I did because of her 3 young kids. Phones calls were always interrupted by some kid that I barely had the time to even tell her anything.     Now they are older she calls me all the time interested in what I'm doing.   I'm not kidding when we talk/text a few times a day now.   During the toddler years I was lucky to get a call once a week.

southernbelle0915

It sounds like you want her to squee!!! over your wedding and she's not. Oh well. Not everyone will. You and your FI can squee all you want together.

You basically asked her to be MOH. You are correct in thinking it with affect your friendship if you go back on that. And even if you do, what if the sloppy seconds MOH doesn't fawn over you? Will you demote her too? Really...

JCbride2015

You already told her she's MOH.  You can't now demote her to BM.

This would be a really friendship-damaging, potentially friendship-ending move.

She has a child.  Show some understanding!

abbyj700

jacques27 said:

1.  You do not demote anyone.  Ever.  Maid of Honor is a position where you are honoring someone close to you to stand up with you and serve witness to your wedding.  It's not a job.  You are not her boss. 
2.  The MOH does not have "more duties" than a bridesmaid.
3.  The only duties the MOH and the bridesmaids have are to show up sober, in appropriate attire on the wedding day, and walk down the aisle before you and stand there without passing out.  Period.  End of story.  There are no other duties.  Anything else your MOH or any of your bridesmaids do for you (showers, bachelorette parties) are done out of the kindness of their hearts and not because their title obligates them to do them.  Those things are not required.
4.  No one will care about your wedding more than you or your FI do.
5.  Toddlers are hard work.  Really hard work.  More work than your wedding.  More important than your wedding.  It's a living, breathing tiny person who isn't fully capable of articulating their needs and is completely dependent on her.  They are freakin' hard work.
6.  It's your wedding.  Not hers.  She doesn't have to care above and beyond what she has to wear and what time she needs to show up on the day of the wedding.  Perhaps your wedding is the most important thing to you right now because it's all new and shiny and you're in the midst of planning.  Meanwhile, when you got engaged, the rest of us just kept on living our lives.  Go share your wedding thoughts with your FI, who really is the only other person who is going to care as much as you.  Give your MOH a break.  She's got a toddler to raise and her life to live.
7.  You do not demote anyone.  Ever.

LoL and love to the bolded! :-) 

Maggie0829

Um, your friend doesn't have to be interested in your wedding.  She is your friend not your wedding planner.  Some people really don't give a crap about all the wedding planning stuff.  And FFS she has a 1.5 year old to deal with.  Kid trumps your wedding every. single. time.

Oh and just because she isn't interested in your wedding doesn't mean that she isn't happy about the fact that you are getting married.

jenna8984

Everyone else has this covered. I just wanted to be the grammar police and say that the correct term is "could NOT give a crap".

climbingsingle

Your wedding may be the most important thing in your life. It's certainly not the most important thing in hers. She's freaking raising a 1.5 year old. Have some compassion for your friend. Do you have any idea how time consuming it is caring for a young child? 

Do you ask about her life? How her child is? What's new with her? Or do you just expect her to be all about your wedding all the time? 

Demoting her to bridesmaid is a friendship-ending move. 

southernbelle0915

Sometimes analogies help in understanding:

your friend = you/bride

1.5 year old = wedding

new brand of diapers = some wedding detail

potty training/poop geysering up the back of the child = some wedding detail

MOH = godparent

Let's say your friend made you the godparent of her 1.5 year old. Big honor, right! Whenever you talk, she wants to talk about her 1.5 year old. All. The. Time. You're getting updates on everything - even potty training and the poop geyser that escapes the diaper. But wait - she also wants to tell you about the new brand of diapers that she thinks are ZOMG, soooooo amaaaazing!!! You're all "yawn..." and it's hard to show excitement. Your relationship is different because all your friend wants to talk about is her 1.5 year old, like this is the first 1.5 year old to walk the face of the earth.

She senses that you aren't squeeeee!!!!-ing as much as she wants you to. She decides to demote you as godparent and give the coveted title to someone who wants to squeee and fawns over 1.5 year old talk.

Get it now?

ETF: words

ginger0809

I can understand your disappointment and wanting your friend to be more involved.  I don't think having a child should be an excuse to be a crappy friend, let alone MOH (because despite what people on here think, being a MOH is more than just showing up with a dress the day of) Most of my friends have kids and some friends have let their kids consume their lives and others have been able to figure out a mom/friend life balance.  I can understand it being frustrating if you've been there for them through all of their life events, but now that they have kids their life trumps whatever you have going on.  

I'm assuming that part of the reason you're upset is because your relationship changed once you got engaged.  Did you talk more and have a better relationship before you were engaged?  Its hard to deal with that kind of a shift in friendship when you have something important happen in your life.  

I had a talk with my MOH when she was flaking out, told her my feelings on it, and she's stepped up considerably.  I'm not asking her to be my slave, but it's nice to get a text from her saying she's getting excited or there's only so many days to go, just so I know that what's going on in my life is important too.  I did the same for her when she was getting married and through the first 2 and now her third pregnancy, it's just about acknowledging what's happening in each others lives.  A little can go a long way.  

My advice is to talk to her and tell her how you're feeling and be honest.  That's what you should be able to do with friends, right?     

ginger0809

flantastic said:

OP never said that her friend would always change the subject to talk about her kid or anything like that. I fully intend to be my own person apart from my kids, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be any more likely to squee over weddings than I am now. I care about the real things going on in my friends' lives, like their relationships and their parents and their almost-law degree. That's what I'll be asking about, not for pictures of their centerpiece ideas.

Beyond that, all I would hear in this conversation is: "What have you done for meeeee lately?" Which is, as we all know, true friendship.

I'm sorry, but the last time I checked a friend getting married is something "real" going on in their life.  

manateehugger

ginger0809 said:

flantastic said:

OP never said that her friend would always change the subject to talk about her kid or anything like that. I fully intend to be my own person apart from my kids, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be any more likely to squee over weddings than I am now. I care about the real things going on in my friends' lives, like their relationships and their parents and their almost-law degree. That's what I'll be asking about, not for pictures of their centerpiece ideas.

Beyond that, all I would hear in this conversation is: "What have you done for meeeee lately?" Which is, as we all know, true friendship.

I'm sorry, but the last time I checked a friend getting married is something "real" going on in their life.  

Yes, but what flowers her bouquet should be, whether the men should be in bow ties or long ties, whether cocktail hour should start at 5:30 or 6:00 are not real things. Texting and saying, "SQUEEE 5 months" is not a real thing. 

Saying, "Hey, how are you and FI doing as the moving in process starts?" or "How's little Johnny doing since he got the flu last week." Those are real things. Wedding fluff is just fluff and wont matter in the long run. 

It depends on the content. 

Maggie0829

ginger0809 said:

flantastic said:

OP never said that her friend would always change the subject to talk about her kid or anything like that. I fully intend to be my own person apart from my kids, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be any more likely to squee over weddings than I am now. I care about the real things going on in my friends' lives, like their relationships and their parents and their almost-law degree. That's what I'll be asking about, not for pictures of their centerpiece ideas.

Beyond that, all I would hear in this conversation is: "What have you done for meeeee lately?" Which is, as we all know, true friendship.

I'm sorry, but the last time I checked a friend getting married is something "real" going on in their life.  

Yes, you are right, that is something real going on in their life. But being supportive of a friends future marriage is completely different then having to be involved in the planning process.  It does not make one a bad friend if they don't want to be involved in the wedding plans.

thisismynickname2

ginger0809 said:

flantastic said:

OP never said that her friend would always change the subject to talk about her kid or anything like that. I fully intend to be my own person apart from my kids, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be any more likely to squee over weddings than I am now. I care about the real things going on in my friends' lives, like their relationships and their parents and their almost-law degree. That's what I'll be asking about, not for pictures of their centerpiece ideas.

Beyond that, all I would hear in this conversation is: "What have you done for meeeee lately?" Which is, as we all know, true friendship.

I'm sorry, but the last time I checked a friend getting married is something "real" going on in their life.  

I would infer the bolded to mean that I am getting married. This means that my FI and I have moved in together, and are learning about each other's quirks, and having adventures in the kitchen, and fighting over the remote. We are talking about where to move to a bigger home and when to have children, and what kind of jobs we want to have that would support the lifestyle we want to have together. Those are all things my best friends and I talk about far more than a ceremony and a party happening in 39 days. Those real things are way more interesting than centerpieces.

ginger0809

The OP didn't say she was expecting help with anything unless I missed something...  She just said her MOH seemed uninterested.  It's pretty easy to show interest in something that is a big deal to your friend, that's part of being a friend.  

mysticl

ginger0809 said:

The OP didn't say she was expecting help with anything unless I missed something...  She just said her MOH seemed uninterested.  It's pretty easy to show interest in something that is a big deal to your friend, that's part of being a friend.  

It also depends on what she means by "uninterested".  Like others have said she may just not view someone else's flowers or color scheme to be something to get excited over.  

southernbelle0915

ginger0809 said:

The OP didn't say she was expecting help with anything unless I missed something...  She just said her MOH seemed uninterested.  It's pretty easy to show interest in something that is a big deal to your friend, that's part of being a friend.  

If the OP said, "I'm engaged!" and the friend was like, "uh, cool? what do you want me to say?" or didn't respond.... sure, crappy friend.

If the OP said, "do you think white hydrangeas and lilies or coral roses and daisies?" and the friend was like, "uh, I don't really know"..... she's just not interested in wedding stuff (obviously). 

There's a difference between being uninterested in someone's LIFE and being uninterested in WEDDING PLANNING. 

ginger0809

Well, maybe everyone should just stop assuming they know the situation then. Because none of us do.

manateehugger

ginger0809 said:

Well, maybe everyone should just stop assuming they know the situation then. Because none of us do.

Most people asked her about the relationship and what entails "completely disinterested."

And I have trouble giving the benefit of the doubt to someone who thinks their friend trying to raise a kid is a crappy excuse for not caring about wedding-related crap.

mysticl

southernbelle0915 said:

ginger0809 said:

The OP didn't say she was expecting help with anything unless I missed something...  She just said her MOH seemed uninterested.  It's pretty easy to show interest in something that is a big deal to your friend, that's part of being a friend.  

If the OP said, "I'm engaged!" and the friend was like, "uh, cool? what do you want me to say?" or didn't respond.... sure, crappy friend.

If the OP said, "do you think white hydrangeas and lilies or coral roses and daisies?" and the friend was like, "uh, I don't really know"..... she's just not interested in wedding stuff (obviously). 

There's a difference between being uninterested in someone's LIFE and being uninterested in WEDDING PLANNING. 

Not automatically. Sometimes we are excited about news and immediately start calling people.  We catch them off guard and maybe they are in the middle of something and picked the phone up out of reflex but just aren't focused on the call for whatever reason.  

A couple of weeks ago my son was sick.  His fever hit almost 105 and it had climbed fast.  All I cared about was getting that down.  Publisher's Clearing House could have shown up at my door with one of their giant checks and I probably would have been like "whatever".  DH was trying to talk to me about something and I just looked at him and said "I can't care about that right now". 

southernbelle0915

mysticl said:

southernbelle0915 said:

ginger0809 said:

The OP didn't say she was expecting help with anything unless I missed something...  She just said her MOH seemed uninterested.  It's pretty easy to show interest in something that is a big deal to your friend, that's part of being a friend.  

If the OP said, "I'm engaged!" and the friend was like, "uh, cool? what do you want me to say?" or didn't respond.... sure, crappy friend.

If the OP said, "do you think white hydrangeas and lilies or coral roses and daisies?" and the friend was like, "uh, I don't really know"..... she's just not interested in wedding stuff (obviously). 

There's a difference between being uninterested in someone's LIFE and being uninterested in WEDDING PLANNING. 

Not automatically. Sometimes we are excited about news and immediately start calling people.  We catch them off guard and maybe they are in the middle of something and picked the phone up out of reflex but just aren't focused on the call for whatever reason.  

A couple of weeks ago my son was sick.  His fever hit almost 105 and it had climbed fast.  All I cared about was getting that down.  Publisher's Clearing House could have shown up at my door with one of their giant checks and I probably would have been like "whatever".  DH was trying to talk to me about something and I just looked at him and said "I can't care about that right now". 

It takes about the same amount of time to say: "that's wonderful! I'd love to hear more about it and will call to chat as soon as I have time" as it does "uh cool? what do you want me to say?" 

There's a difference between being too busy to talk and not giving a poop about a loved one's big announcement. If someone is too busy to talk, I would assume they wouldn't answer the phone (as you probably did not when your son was sick). Even if they do answer the phone while they're super busy, it's possible to be brief while still being cordial. Espeically when it's people you care about.

mysticl

southernbelle0915 said:

mysticl said:

southernbelle0915 said:

ginger0809 said:

The OP didn't say she was expecting help with anything unless I missed something...  She just said her MOH seemed uninterested.  It's pretty easy to show interest in something that is a big deal to your friend, that's part of being a friend.  

If the OP said, "I'm engaged!" and the friend was like, "uh, cool? what do you want me to say?" or didn't respond.... sure, crappy friend.

If the OP said, "do you think white hydrangeas and lilies or coral roses and daisies?" and the friend was like, "uh, I don't really know"..... she's just not interested in wedding stuff (obviously). 

There's a difference between being uninterested in someone's LIFE and being uninterested in WEDDING PLANNING. 

Not automatically. Sometimes we are excited about news and immediately start calling people.  We catch them off guard and maybe they are in the middle of something and picked the phone up out of reflex but just aren't focused on the call for whatever reason.  

A couple of weeks ago my son was sick.  His fever hit almost 105 and it had climbed fast.  All I cared about was getting that down.  Publisher's Clearing House could have shown up at my door with one of their giant checks and I probably would have been like "whatever".  DH was trying to talk to me about something and I just looked at him and said "I can't care about that right now". 

It takes about the same amount of time to say: "that's wonderful! I'd love to hear more about it and will call to chat as soon as I have time" as it does "uh cool? what do you want me to say?" 

There's a difference between being too busy to talk and not giving a poop about a loved one's big announcement. If someone is too busy to talk, I would assume they wouldn't answer the phone (as you probably did not when your son was sick). Even if they do answer the phone while they're super busy, it's possible to be brief while still being cordial. Espeically when it's people you care about.

As to the first bold I probably wouldn't have said that because my mind wasn't thinking that way, I was in fear for my son's life I really didn't give a shit about anything else.  As for the second if I hadn't answered the phone my husband probably would have and brought it to me thinking he was being helpful.

southernbelle0915

mysticl said:

southernbelle0915 said:

mysticl said:

Not automatically. Sometimes we are excited about news and immediately start calling people.  We catch them off guard and maybe they are in the middle of something and picked the phone up out of reflex but just aren't focused on the call for whatever reason.  

A couple of weeks ago my son was sick.  His fever hit almost 105 and it had climbed fast.  All I cared about was getting that down.  Publisher's Clearing House could have shown up at my door with one of their giant checks and I probably would have been like "whatever".  DH was trying to talk to me about something and I just looked at him and said "I can't care about that right now". 

It takes about the same amount of time to say: "that's wonderful! I'd love to hear more about it and will call to chat as soon as I have time" as it does "uh cool? what do you want me to say?" 

There's a difference between being too busy to talk and not giving a poop about a loved one's big announcement. If someone is too busy to talk, I would assume they wouldn't answer the phone (as you probably did not when your son was sick). Even if they do answer the phone while they're super busy, it's possible to be brief while still being cordial. Espeically when it's people you care about.

As to the first bold I probably wouldn't have said that because my mind wasn't thinking that way, I was in fear for my son's life I really didn't give a shit about anything else.  As for the second if I hadn't answered the phone my husband probably would have and brought it to me thinking he was being helpful.

Now I'm confused about what actually happened? (highlighted) 

I don't have kids, but there's no f-ing way I'd take a phone call if I thought my kid was dying unless it was 911 or a doctor. If I legitimately thought OUR kid was dying, I'd make all kinds of sure my husband right there with me - and NOT taking phone calls.

In any case, to the bolded, if someone is focused on a potentially dying child, I would think that if they say something rash that makes it sound like they don't care about a big announcement, they would follow up with the person later and say "hey, sorry about my reaction to your big news the other day, I was distracted with an emergency. I'm all ears now and would love to hear about your engagement/pregnancy/other major life event."

ETF: words

mysticl

southernbelle0915 said:

mysticl said:

southernbelle0915 said:

mysticl said:

Not automatically. Sometimes we are excited about news and immediately start calling people.  We catch them off guard and maybe they are in the middle of something and picked the phone up out of reflex but just aren't focused on the call for whatever reason.  

A couple of weeks ago my son was sick.  His fever hit almost 105 and it had climbed fast.  All I cared about was getting that down.  Publisher's Clearing House could have shown up at my door with one of their giant checks and I probably would have been like "whatever".  DH was trying to talk to me about something and I just looked at him and said "I can't care about that right now". 

It takes about the same amount of time to say: "that's wonderful! I'd love to hear more about it and will call to chat as soon as I have time" as it does "uh cool? what do you want me to say?" 

There's a difference between being too busy to talk and not giving a poop about a loved one's big announcement. If someone is too busy to talk, I would assume they wouldn't answer the phone (as you probably did not when your son was sick). Even if they do answer the phone while they're super busy, it's possible to be brief while still being cordial. Espeically when it's people you care about.

As to the first bold I probably wouldn't have said that because my mind wasn't thinking that way, I was in fear for my son's life I really didn't give a shit about anything else.  As for the second if I hadn't answered the phone my husband probably would have and brought it to me thinking he was being helpful.

Now I'm confused about what actually happened? (highlighted) 

I don't have kids, but there's no f-ing way I'd take a phone call if I thought my kid was dying unless it was 911 or a doctor. If I legitimately thought OUR kid was dying, I'd make all kinds of sure my husband right there with me - and NOT taking phone calls.

In any case, to the bolded, if someone is focused on a potentially dying child, I would think that if they say something rash that makes it sound like they don't care about a big announcement, they would follow up with the person later and say "hey, sorry about my reaction to your big news the other day, I was distracted with an emergency. I'm all ears now and would love to hear about your engagement/pregnancy/other major life event."

ETF: words

The way my husband responds to a potential crisis is to either make jokes or act like it's no big deal.  This can come across as him not giving a shit at times and I have had that discussion (loudly) with him. My son woke up from a nap with an elevated fever and I went into deal with it mode.  It then made a significant jump very quickly which scared me because we were fast approaching the danger zone.  I did have DH bring me a couple of medications to get things under control but honestly having him sit in the bathroom and try to distract me would have just made things more difficult while I was cooling our son down.  Like I said at one point I told him to stop talking to me about something because I did not care.  

As for answering the phone in that situation someone may have put in a call to their doctor and when the phone ran automatically answered it without looking at caller ID assuming it was the call they were waiting for.  

Knottie01690604

Thanks for the insight ladies!  It is much apprecited.  However, I think I should clear up a few things. 

 1) I for one am not begruding my MOH for having a child.  What I *am* begruding her for is consistently turning it back to the fact that she's a mother and using it as an excuse for lack of interest.  Her exact words to me when asking to see my ring were "Well when you're a mother you don't care about that kind of stuff". She spoke almost these exact same words to me when I got promoted 6 months ago at my job.  So for me, it's a regular downplay of life.   I appreciate the fact that she is busy with her family, but it's rude in my book to downplay something someone is happy about because you're busy.

2) I have not discussed my wedding with anyone who hasn't asked.  I'm not asking for the world here and not ODing her on wedding stuff ad naseum. And I also don't think it's too much to ask to have a MOH that actually gives a hoot.

3) I have been extremely supportive of her and her family.  From her meeting her husband, to getting engaged, married and now having a child, I have been there and care and am always there for her.  I am well aware that friendships are never going to be 50/50, but all I'm asking for is a little support for what's going on in my life.

 

Again, thank you ladies for the insight. 

 

 

mileybangerz

Something like this might help her give a crap

danamw

"' she really has shown no interest at all in my wedding whatsoever and has already started using her 1 1/2 year old as an excuse for her lack of interest"

For some reason this is the funniest thing I have ever read on this board!

Maybe her child is more important to her than your wedding!