MOH could give a crap

smhubbel

First, let me say that I completely understand your feelings here. I always struggle when I feel like I have put more time and energy into a friendship and I don't feel like it is being reciprocated at all. 

Maybe if she is saying she hasn't been interested because of her toddler, it might mean she doesn't have the time or energy to be your MOH because she is focused on her child. That is completely understandable. 

Maybe you could approach her and say "I have realized that when I mentioned to you that I wanted you to be my MOH, I didn't take into consideration your other responsibilities. I realize now that everything I need my MOH to do might put too much extra stress on you with having your son/daughter. What are your thoughts? Would you prefer to be a BM instead? I really want you to stand up for me while I get married because you are my best friend, but I also don't want any of it to be a burden on you." 

Saying something like that gives her an out while not saying "you aren't meeting my expectations. You are demoted." Either she will say "yes. The stress is too much. I would rather be a BM instead of MOH." or she would say "No I still want to be your MOH." Then you can start a conversation about what you need from her. It may also start a conversation about what is going on in her life, which might be good because I know it is hard to think about what other people are doing when I am so excited to tell them about the latest update in my wedding planning. Maybe there are other things going on with your friend that she isn't sharing that is making it hard for her to be excited for you when she has something really big on her mind that isn't as happy.

Either way, I would say that you want to be careful about your expectations from your MOH. They aren't your wedding planning assistant, responsible for helping you make those DIY table decorations. They are mostly there to stand next to you at the ceremony, and possibly give a speech at the reception and plan a bachlorette party. I know I would love my MOH to help me with every last detail, but my sister is a college student and she is actually going to be studying abroad this coming school year. I will barely have any contact with her for about 9 months, and as it is right now, we live 9 hours away from each other. 

mrsmagicgeek

smhubbel said:

First, let me say that I completely understand your feelings here. I always struggle when I feel like I have put more time and energy into a friendship and I don't feel like it is being reciprocated at all. 

Maybe if she is saying she hasn't been interested because of her toddler, it might mean she doesn't have the time or energy to be your MOH because she is focused on her child. That is completely understandable. 

Maybe you could approach her and say "I have realized that when I mentioned to you that I wanted you to be my MOH, I didn't take into consideration your other responsibilities. I realize now that everything I need my MOH to do might put too much extra stress on you with having your son/daughter. What are your thoughts? Would you prefer to be a BM instead? I really want you to stand up for me while I get married because you are my best friend, but I also don't want any of it to be a burden on you." 

Saying something like that gives her an out while not saying "you aren't meeting my expectations. You are demoted." Either she will say "yes. The stress is too much. I would rather be a BM instead of MOH." or she would say "No I still want to be your MOH." Then you can start a conversation about what you need from her. It may also start a conversation about what is going on in her life, which might be good because I know it is hard to think about what other people are doing when I am so excited to tell them about the latest update in my wedding planning. Maybe there are other things going on with your friend that she isn't sharing that is making it hard for her to be excited for you when she has something really big on her mind that isn't as happy.

Either way, I would say that you want to be careful about your expectations from your MOH. They aren't your wedding planning assistant, responsible for helping you make those DIY table decorations. They are mostly there to stand next to you at the ceremony, and possibly give a speech at the reception and plan a bachlorette party. I know I would love my MOH to help me with every last detail, but my sister is a college student and she is actually going to be studying abroad this coming school year. I will barely have any contact with her for about 9 months, and as it is right now, we live 9 hours away from each other. 

The MOH has no "responsibilities" other than showing up in the correct dress relatively sober. They are not responsible for a speech, or for a Bachelorette party. It is an honored position because of who they are to you, not because of what they can do for your wedding. Your argument is invalid.

smhubbel

foundmymagicgeek said:

First, let me say that I completely understand your feelings here. I always struggle when I feel like I have put more time and energy into a friendship and I don't feel like it is being reciprocated at all. 

Maybe if she is saying she hasn't been interested because of her toddler, it might mean she doesn't have the time or energy to be your MOH because she is focused on her child. That is completely understandable. 

Maybe you could approach her and say "I have realized that when I mentioned to you that I wanted you to be my MOH, I didn't take into consideration your other responsibilities. I realize now that everything I need my MOH to do might put too much extra stress on you with having your son/daughter. What are your thoughts? Would you prefer to be a BM instead? I really want you to stand up for me while I get married because you are my best friend, but I also don't want any of it to be a burden on you." 

Saying something like that gives her an out while not saying "you aren't meeting my expectations. You are demoted." Either she will say "yes. The stress is too much. I would rather be a BM instead of MOH." or she would say "No I still want to be your MOH." Then you can start a conversation about what you need from her. It may also start a conversation about what is going on in her life, which might be good because I know it is hard to think about what other people are doing when I am so excited to tell them about the latest update in my wedding planning. Maybe there are other things going on with your friend that she isn't sharing that is making it hard for her to be excited for you when she has something really big on her mind that isn't as happy.

Either way, I would say that you want to be careful about your expectations from your MOH. They aren't your wedding planning assistant, responsible for helping you make those DIY table decorations. They are mostly there to stand next to you at the ceremony, and possibly give a speech at the reception and plan a bachlorette party. I know I would love my MOH to help me with every last detail, but my sister is a college student and she is actually going to be studying abroad this coming school year. I will barely have any contact with her for about 9 months, and as it is right now, we live 9 hours away from each other. 

The MOH has no "responsibilities" other than showing up in the correct dress relatively sober. They are not responsible for a speech, or for a Bachelorette party. It is an honored position because of who they are to you, not because of what they can do for your wedding. Your argument is invalid.

I said "possibly". We are not in disagreement about what the MOH is REQUIRED to do. These are things that a MOH USUALLY does and is happy to do as someone who cares about you. 

My point is not invalid that maybe the MOH in question is just too stressed and has something going on that is on her mind. If the bride would APPRECIATE the MOH to do certain things like plan the bachlorette party as a lot of times it is assumed that she will do so, then it is a good conversation to have between the two of them about what the bride had in mind and what is possible for the MOH. 

The conversation I mentioned also gives the MOH an out from the situation without anyone getting offended because she isn't interested in the wedding for one reason or another. Even if MOH duties are minimal, pretending like they are big deal when having this conversation might make the whole thing easier if time and stress are factors in the disinterest. 

My point about my MOH is that, yeah it would be great if I could make her be my personal wedding slave but, she has a life of her own, and it is just not realistic to expect much extensive wedding planning help from her. However, I can expect her as someone who loves me to be happy for me and be happy to discuss things that are going on in my life, such as wedding planning (looking at dresses, ideas for decorations etc.), just as I talk to her about things that are going on in her life. 

novella1186

Just to play Devil's Advocate on behalf of the MOH, she probably doesn't even realize she's been a bit non-supportive. 

For two years I was working a full time job (sometimes MORE than 40 hours) and was also getting my masters degree. When I wasn't at work, in class, studying, writing a paper, or taking an exam, I really just wanted to collapse on my couch. It was extremely consuming, stressful and beyond exhausting. 

I assume being a new mom is just as consuming, and since her kid is only a year and a half she's probably still adjusting to all of that. Once she gets into the swing of things a bit more, maybe she'll be more attentive to your friendship, but a major thing like grad school or a child can easily overwhelm everything else for a while. 

When I finally finished my degree I realized I hadn't even spoken to most of my friends in two years. I had totally dropped off the face of the earth, not even intending to at all. It was just stress, a busy life, and struggling to prioritize. Now that that's over, we're reconnecting again and I'm being a way better friend, catching up on their lives, etc. 

So I get that it's disappointing that she's not really there for you, but I can kind of relate/understand why someone would do this. She'll probably be back when her life settles down a bit. 

Mochadia

Again, another posting from people that seems to be more anti-bride.  What gives?  I am sorry that you are going through this.  I think that she is being a crappy friend from what you have said.  It has to be pretty disappointing to see that she is not really supporting you through all the stress that comes with planning a wedding...even if it is good stress.

Don't know what to tell you, but your feelings are valid.

southernbelle0915

Mochadia said:

Again, another posting from people that seems to be more anti-bride.  What gives?  I am sorry that you are going through this.  I think that she is being a crappy friend from what you have said.  It has to be pretty disappointing to see that she is not really supporting you through all the stress that comes with planning a wedding...even if it is good stress.

Don't know what to tell you, but your feelings are valid.

I planned my entire wedding without overbearing stress. If I needed support or a break from the stress, I went to my DH or got a damn pedicure. Friends/BMs aren't required to help with crafts, stress, or anything else related to the wedding. You're planning a party. If you can't handle it and/or need help, hire someone. First world problems.

Friends/BMs don't often want to serve as sounding boards for wedding stuff. When all a bride talks about is wedding stuff, friends/BMs usually distance themselves because it's not about the friendship anymore, it's about the bride's WEDDING!!! and only the wedding. 

Please stop accusing people of being anti-bride. They're not. This is a wedding forum - of course posters love weddings, brides/grooms, planning, etc. They're anti-bridezilla. They're pro-don't-overwhelm-friends/BMs-with-wedding-talk-or-they-will-distance-themselves.

Mochadia

southernbelle0915 said:

Mochadia said:

Again, another posting from people that seems to be more anti-bride.  What gives?  I am sorry that you are going through this.  I think that she is being a crappy friend from what you have said.  It has to be pretty disappointing to see that she is not really supporting you through all the stress that comes with planning a wedding...even if it is good stress.

Don't know what to tell you, but your feelings are valid.

I planned my entire wedding without overbearing stress. If I needed support or a break from the stress, I went to my DH or got a damn pedicure. Friends/BMs aren't required to help with crafts, stress, or anything else related to the wedding. You're planning a party. If you can't handle it and/or need help, hire someone. First world problems.

Friends/BMs don't often want to serve as sounding boards for wedding stuff. When all a bride talks about is wedding stuff, friends/BMs usually distance themselves because it's not about the friendship anymore, it's about the bride's WEDDING!!! and only the wedding. 

Please stop accusing people of being anti-bride. They're not. This is a wedding forum - of course posters love weddings, brides/grooms, planning, etc. They're anti-bridezilla. They're pro-don't-overwhelm-friends/BMs-with-wedding-talk-or-they-will-distance-themselves.

I just believe we have different opinions of what friends are.  That is ok.  I was simply expressing my opinion and lending support to the bride.  I did not reference you in any way. I think that it is great that you handled everything on your own.  We are not all the same and that is ok too.

banana468

Mochadia said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Mochadia said:

Again, another posting from people that seems to be more anti-bride.  What gives?  I am sorry that you are going through this.  I think that she is being a crappy friend from what you have said.  It has to be pretty disappointing to see that she is not really supporting you through all the stress that comes with planning a wedding...even if it is good stress.

Don't know what to tell you, but your feelings are valid.

I planned my entire wedding without overbearing stress. If I needed support or a break from the stress, I went to my DH or got a damn pedicure. Friends/BMs aren't required to help with crafts, stress, or anything else related to the wedding. You're planning a party. If you can't handle it and/or need help, hire someone. First world problems.

Friends/BMs don't often want to serve as sounding boards for wedding stuff. When all a bride talks about is wedding stuff, friends/BMs usually distance themselves because it's not about the friendship anymore, it's about the bride's WEDDING!!! and only the wedding. 

Please stop accusing people of being anti-bride. They're not. This is a wedding forum - of course posters love weddings, brides/grooms, planning, etc. They're anti-bridezilla. They're pro-don't-overwhelm-friends/BMs-with-wedding-talk-or-they-will-distance-themselves.

I just believe we have different opinions of what friends are.  That is ok.  I was simply expressing my opinion and lending support to the bride.  I did not reference you in any way. I think that it is great that you handled everything on your own.  We are not all the same and that is ok too.

But by your own statement that means it's OK to not want to plan your friend's wedding.   Everyone is different. 

Mochadia

banana468 said:

Mochadia said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Mochadia said:

Again, another posting from people that seems to be more anti-bride.  What gives?  I am sorry that you are going through this.  I think that she is being a crappy friend from what you have said.  It has to be pretty disappointing to see that she is not really supporting you through all the stress that comes with planning a wedding...even if it is good stress.

Don't know what to tell you, but your feelings are valid.

I planned my entire wedding without overbearing stress. If I needed support or a break from the stress, I went to my DH or got a damn pedicure. Friends/BMs aren't required to help with crafts, stress, or anything else related to the wedding. You're planning a party. If you can't handle it and/or need help, hire someone. First world problems.

Friends/BMs don't often want to serve as sounding boards for wedding stuff. When all a bride talks about is wedding stuff, friends/BMs usually distance themselves because it's not about the friendship anymore, it's about the bride's WEDDING!!! and only the wedding. 

Please stop accusing people of being anti-bride. They're not. This is a wedding forum - of course posters love weddings, brides/grooms, planning, etc. They're anti-bridezilla. They're pro-don't-overwhelm-friends/BMs-with-wedding-talk-or-they-will-distance-themselves.

I just believe we have different opinions of what friends are.  That is ok.  I was simply expressing my opinion and lending support to the bride.  I did not reference you in any way. I think that it is great that you handled everything on your own.  We are not all the same and that is ok too.

But by your own statement that means it's OK to not want to plan your friend's wedding.   Everyone is different. 

Yes we are...if they are your friend, then they should know you and how you all have defined the friendship.  Clearly this posted does not feel supported...her feelings.  Her feelings are valid and they matter.  I don't have any advice for her, but I heard her and supported her throughout this difficult situation she is experiencing.

Viczaesar

Mochadia said:

Again, another posting from people that seems to be more anti-bride.  What gives?  I am sorry that you are going through this.  I think that she is being a crappy friend from what you have said.  It has to be pretty disappointing to see that she is not really supporting you through all the stress that comes with planning a wedding...even if it is good stress.

Don't know what to tell you, but your feelings are valid.

I'm anti-asshole.