Bridesmaid Crisis & Unhappy Mother-In-Law

dzzymsslzzy

I need some advice!

My sister is the Maid of Honor, my brother's wife is a bridesmaid, followed by two college friends and two childhood friends. I like my fiance's sister, but I am not as close to her as the aforementioned ladies, and I have known her the least amount of time. My fiance did not choose my brother to be a groomsman for similar reasons, so we didn't think it would be a big deal. He has graciously agreed to be an usher. We have selected Fiance's Sister to do a reading for the ceremony, which she is fine with and said she would gladly do whatever we needed.

However, my mother-in-law was not pleased. She called my fiance in tears, wanting to know why her daughter was not a bridesmaid. She said she it was an unwritten rule that all siblings were supposed to be included in the wedding party. This was news to both me and my fiance.

Of course now I feel awful! I don't know what to do, but I have a few options:

1. ASK FIANCE'S SISTER TO BE A BRIDESMAID

I haven't asked all of my friends to be in the wedding yet, so no one would know if I replaced them with Fiance's Sister. However, I feel that extending an invitation now would be seen as disingenuous, and she would know she is taking a spot previously dedicated to one of my friends. Also, if I do this, my brother will then be the only sibling not in the bridal party.

2. SEVEN UP

I really don't want to do this, as I think 6 is pushing it, but we could include Fiance's Sister as well as my brother if we had seven bridesmaids and groomsmen. (Fiance has already asked his 6 groomsmen, so we can't do any replacing on his side.) I dislike uneven wedding parties.

3. LEAVE EVERYTHING AS IS

I feel the damage has already been done and there is no graceful way to fix it. I was planning on inviting Fiance's Sister to the "getting ready" portion of the day, so she would be included in a more exclusive group. Fiance is going to do the same with my brother. (Unless that is some sort of tacky faux pas!)

PLEASE HELP ME! I've been turning this over in my head for days.

Maggie0829

dzzymsslzzy said:

I need some advice!

My sister is the Maid of Honor, my brother's wife is a bridesmaid, followed by two college friends and two childhood friends. I like my fiance's sister, but I am not as close to her as the aforementioned ladies, and I have known her the least amount of time. My fiance did not choose my brother to be a groomsman for similar reasons, so we didn't think it would be a big deal. He has graciously agreed to be an usher. We have selected Fiance's Sister to do a reading for the ceremony, which she is fine with and said she would gladly do whatever we needed.

However, my mother-in-law was not pleased. She called my fiance in tears, wanting to know why her daughter was not a bridesmaid. She said she it was an unwritten rule that all siblings were supposed to be included in the wedding party. This was news to both me and my fiance.

Of course now I feel awful! I don't know what to do, but I have a few options:

1. ASK FIANCE'S SISTER TO BE A BRIDESMAID

I haven't asked all of my friends to be in the wedding yet, so no one would know if I replaced them with Fiance's Sister. However, I feel that extending an invitation now would be seen as disingenuous, and she would know she is taking a spot previously dedicated to one of my friends. Also, if I do this, my brother will then be the only sibling not in the bridal party.

2. SEVEN UP

I really don't want to do this, as I think 6 is pushing it, but we could include Fiance's Sister as well as my brother if we had seven bridesmaids and groomsmen. (Fiance has already asked his 6 groomsmen, so we can't do any replacing on his side.) I dislike uneven wedding parties.

3. LEAVE EVERYTHING AS IS

I feel the damage has already been done and there is no graceful way to fix it. I was planning on inviting Fiance's Sister to the "getting ready" portion of the day, so she would be included in a more exclusive group. Fiance is going to do the same with my brother. (Unless that is some sort of tacky faux pas!)

PLEASE HELP ME! I've been turning this over in my head for days.

Okay, first sides do not have to be even, so whatever you decide remember that.  I know you say you dislike them but really it isn't a big deal and it is pretty common for sides to be uneven.

Second, it is not your FMIL place to say who is in your bridal party.  You had every right to not ask your FI sister to be a BM.  It was nice to include her in the ceremony as a reader and since she is happy with that then don't change anything.  Your FMIL will just have to get over it.

NYCMercedes

dzzymsslzzy said:

I need some advice!

My sister is the Maid of Honor, my brother's wife is a bridesmaid, followed by two college friends and two childhood friends. I like my fiance's sister, but I am not as close to her as the aforementioned ladies, and I have known her the least amount of time. My fiance did not choose my brother to be a groomsman for similar reasons, so we didn't think it would be a big deal. He has graciously agreed to be an usher. We have selected Fiance's Sister to do a reading for the ceremony, which she is fine with and said she would gladly do whatever we needed.

However, my mother-in-law was not pleased. She called my fiance in tears, wanting to know why her daughter was not a bridesmaid. She said she it was an unwritten rule that all siblings were supposed to be included in the wedding party. This was news to both me and my fiance.

Of course now I feel awful! I don't know what to do, but I have a few options:

1. ASK FIANCE'S SISTER TO BE A BRIDESMAID

I haven't asked all of my friends to be in the wedding yet, so no one would know if I replaced them with Fiance's Sister. However, I feel that extending an invitation now would be seen as disingenuous, and she would know she is taking a spot previously dedicated to one of my friends. Also, if I do this, my brother will then be the only sibling not in the bridal party.

2. SEVEN UP

I really don't want to do this, as I think 6 is pushing it, but we could include Fiance's Sister as well as my brother if we had seven bridesmaids and groomsmen. (Fiance has already asked his 6 groomsmen, so we can't do any replacing on his side.) I dislike uneven wedding parties.

3. LEAVE EVERYTHING AS IS

I feel the damage has already been done and there is no graceful way to fix it. I was planning on inviting Fiance's Sister to the "getting ready" portion of the day, so she would be included in a more exclusive group. Fiance is going to do the same with my brother. (Unless that is some sort of tacky faux pas!)

PLEASE HELP ME! I've been turning this over in my head for days.

#3. It's really more of an honor to be a reader than a bridesmaid as she will be standing alone and serving both the B&G. Would your FI like his sister to stand on his side?

[Deleted User]

I'm voting for Leave Everything As Is.

Your FMIL should get over it, especially if FSIL is fine with being a reader at the ceremony.

southernbelle0915

dzzymsslzzy said:

I need some advice!

My sister is the Maid of Honor, my brother's wife is a bridesmaid, followed by two college friends and two childhood friends. I like my fiance's sister, but I am not as close to her as the aforementioned ladies, and I have known her the least amount of time. My fiance did not choose my brother to be a groomsman for similar reasons, so we didn't think it would be a big deal. He has graciously agreed to be an usher. We have selected Fiance's Sister to do a reading for the ceremony, which she is fine with and said she would gladly do whatever we needed.

However, my mother-in-law was not pleased. She called my fiance in tears, wanting to know why her daughter was not a bridesmaid. She sounds incredibly childish and immature. Tears? Over her little princess not being a BM? She needs to get a hold of herself... She said she it was an unwritten rule that all siblings were supposed to be included in the wedding party. She's wrong. This was news to both me and my fiance.

Of course now I feel awful! I don't know what to do, but I have a few options:

1. ASK FIANCE'S SISTER TO BE A BRIDESMAID No.

I haven't asked all of my friends to be in the wedding yet, so no one would know if I replaced them with Fiance's Sister. However, I feel that extending an invitation now would be seen as disingenuous, and she would know she is taking a spot previously dedicated to one of my friends. Also, if I do this, my brother will then be the only sibling not in the bridal party.

2. SEVEN UP You don't need to have even sides.

I really don't want to do this, as I think 6 is pushing it, but we could include Fiance's Sister as well as my brother if we had seven bridesmaids and groomsmen. (Fiance has already asked his 6 groomsmen, so we can't do any replacing on his side.) I dislike uneven wedding parties.

3. LEAVE EVERYTHING AS IS This. Do this.

I feel the damage has already been done and there is no graceful way to fix it. I was planning on inviting Fiance's Sister to the "getting ready" portion of the day, so she would be included in a more exclusive group. Fiance is going to do the same with my brother. (Unless that is some sort of tacky faux pas!)

PLEASE HELP ME! I've been turning this over in my head for days.

Your FMIL is overly dramatic. I almost laughed out loud when I read she called your FI in tears.... seriously? 

No, you don't need to have FSIL as a BM. She can attend as guest. 

beachyone15

#3 and have your FI tell his mom to calm the eff down!

His sister is ok with it, so his mom should be too.

holyguacamole79

#3, for all the reasons PPs said.  And your FMIL needs to chill.

ETA:  My brother was not a GM when we got married.  I'm still close with my brother.  Tell your FMIL that the internet stranger said it's okay. 

manateehugger

Your FMIL sounds like she's got wedding crazy pants on. Number 3 for sure. Sides don't have to be even and only you get to decide who is in your bridal party.

dzzymsslzzy

Thank you, internet strangers! It's hard to see the best solution when you're so close to the problem, but a unanimous vote for option 3 makes me feel better about the whole thing.

lilacck28

Just wanted to add: Agree with PP. Option number three. And I think it would help smooth the situation to remind her that it is not just FSIL who will not be in the wedding party, but also your brother, so it is clearly not a personal slight. 

Jen4948

Option 3. Not only is the choice of wedding party members solely the business of the couple, not their family members, the couple is not obligated to choose any sibling or other family member. You might let your FMIL know this and that those who were not selected as bridesmaids or groomsmen are not feeling slighted.

CMGragain

Just say no.

atlastmrsg

Leave everything as is.  It's worse now because she will know/find out that the only reason you invited her is because of this situation.  That just screams "I didn't want to choose you, but I had to" whether intention was that or not.

She'll get over it.

cowgirl8238

I just wanted to add that I also think Option 3 is the best.  She is a reader, and that is exactly what we tell people to do when they want to include someone who isn't already in the wedding party.

FMIL needs to chill.  Tell her everyone is happy the way it is and move on.  Happy Planning!

danamw

Maybe you should just make FMIL happy, and put FSIL and your brother in the BP. It would be real family solidarity that way, and if you already have 6, 7 won't be much of a stretch. It could go a long way to family harmony. The 2 ladies are going to be in your life, for the rest of your life, and a little sweetness at the wedding could come back as good karma in the long run.

manateehugger

danamw said:

Maybe you should just make FMIL happy, and put FSIL and your brother in the BP. It would be real family solidarity that way, and if you already have 6, 7 won't be much of a stretch. It could go a long way to family harmony. The 2 ladies are going to be in your life, for the rest of your life, and a little sweetness at the wedding could come back as good karma in the long run.

Or maybe she should keep control of her own wedding party (one of the few things I think a bride gets to stomp her feet and say, "it's our day" about) and let FMIL learn to take off the crazy pants. 

My SIL will yes, be forever in my life. However, we aren't close friends and it would have been super awkward for her to be in the wedding party. I think she was more than happy to sit back with her parents and husband and relax as a guest. The OP's SIL said she was happy to be a reader; so she's a reader. That's a position of honor in any wedding.

Keeping the peace doesn't always mean that you should bend over for your MIL. It meets you set appropriate boundaries, respect one another, and let the stupid stuff go. I think bridal party is a perfectly acceptable boundary to set. 

southernbelle0915

danamw said:

Maybe you should just make FMIL happy, and put FSIL and your brother in the BP. It would be real family solidarity that way, and if you already have 6, 7 won't be much of a stretch. It could go a long way to family harmony. The 2 ladies are going to be in your life, for the rest of your life, and a little sweetness at the wedding could come back as good karma in the long run.

I don't think karma will come back to her in a good way, I think it will come back in the form of her FMIL recognizing that when she calls her son crying (no matter how objectively stupid the reason), she's going to get her way. Not a tone I'd want to be setting for a marriage...

Bubblegum5586

I think #2 or #3. Definitely don't replace someone you already wanted to ask! I say 3 for basically all the reasons that were said above. I say 2 because it seems better to include everyone then replace someone (over #1)

danamw

Well, here is something I don't understand. On this forum, when a bride says something about her own parents, everyone says "out of love and respect for your parents, do what they want so they will be comfortable and happy". But for her future husband's mother, it is "shut her down now, or you will put up with her bitching the rest of your life". Which is it?

holyguacamole79

danamw said:

Maybe you should just make FMIL happy, and put FSIL and your brother in the BP. It would be real family solidarity that way, and if you already have 6, 7 won't be much of a stretch. It could go a long way to family harmony. The 2 ladies are going to be in your life, for the rest of your life, and a little sweetness at the wedding could come back as good karma in the long run.

The point of the bridal party is not to make FMIL happy. 

Besides, think about it this way.  Let's say you're FSIL and you have been asked to do a reading at your brother's wedding.  Then, out of the blue, the bride asks you to be a bridesmaid later on.  Chances are, the FSIL will find out that the mom bullied the bride into this.  How shitty would you feel to know that you're only a bridesmaid because your mommy made the bride do it?

manateehugger

danamw said:

Well, here is something I don't understand. On this forum, when a bride says something about her own parents, everyone says "out of love and respect for your parents, do what they want so they will be comfortable and happy". But for her future husband's mother, it is "shut her down now, or you will put up with her bitching the rest of your life". Which is it?

There's a huge caveat that needs to come at the end of this: but it's ok to keep your boundaries.

To me, the small things that aren't hills to die on is putting someone's name on the invitation, going with daffodil over lemon, giving MIL a rose corsage instead of orchids. The stupid small stuff that isn't worth anyone's energy to fight over. 

However, in what way does including someone who 1. doesn't want to be in the bridal party and 2. would probably make the bridal party an awkward thing keep FMIL comfortable? It doesn't - it's not her bridal party. 

Either way, if FMIL wants to throw a fit about this, she needs to be throwing a fit to her son to include her daughter as a groomswoman. The bridal party is in NO way FMIL's business; and if she's crying over it, she's got issues. Because it doesn't really matter to anyone in the long run except the bride - so the bride should get to decide. 

southernbelle0915

danamw said:

Well, here is something I don't understand. On this forum, when a bride says something about her own parents, everyone says "out of love and respect for your parents, do what they want so they will be comfortable and happy". But for her future husband's mother, it is "shut her down now, or you will put up with her bitching the rest of your life". Which is it?

No they don't. You could have exchanged "your mom" for "your FMIL" in this and the advice would have been exactly the same.

Also, I think there are expectations and boundaries that need to be established - especially in this girl's case. Her FMIL is overly dramatic - what grown woman calls their son sobbing because his sister isn't OP's BM? Seriously? This woman needs to get a hobby and grip. OP's BM's are HER choice - not her FI's, not her mom's and certainly not her FMIL's... 

My thinking here is that if FMIL does shit like this and gets her way, she's going to keep doing it. Can you imagine how obnoxious holidays would be, splitting grandchild time, etc... *shudder* 

Viczaesar

danamw said:

Well, here is something I don't understand. On this forum, when a bride says something about her own parents, everyone says "out of love and respect for your parents, do what they want so they will be comfortable and happy". But for her future husband's mother, it is "shut her down now, or you will put up with her bitching the rest of your life". Which is it?

No, they don't.  I'd guess you're thinking about the thread where someone wanted to force her father into giving a toast when he wasn't comfortable doing so, and the posters said that it was wrong to try to force him into speaking publicly when a) it's not required, and b) he's not comfortable with it.  Please don't take your misunderstanding of a thread and then try to generalize it to make an inaccurate and ridiculous statement about what posters on these boards generally say.

Maggie0829

danamw said:

Well, here is something I don't understand. On this forum, when a bride says something about her own parents, everyone says "out of love and respect for your parents, do what they want so they will be comfortable and happy". But for her future husband's mother, it is "shut her down now, or you will put up with her bitching the rest of your life". Which is it?

Um, what?  No, no we do not say that.  Not even close.

PrettyGirlLost

danamw said:

Maybe you should just make FMIL happy, and put FSIL and your brother in the BP. It would be real family solidarity that way, and if you already have 6, 7 won't be much of a stretch. It could go a long way to family harmony. The 2 ladies are going to be in your life, for the rest of your life, and a little sweetness at the wedding could come back as good karma in the long run.

That's not really how karma works.

beethery

I have this printed out and pinned up by office phone as a reminder for when I'm dealing with telemarketers or clueless sales reps that just show up to my work.

Fuck karma, and fuck the BS 'love and respect' message which is not the deal here. FMIL is not loving and respecting you, and that shit is a two-way street. Tell her NO, and if it comes down to it, tell her to step off. She needs to have a damn cocktail and watch some tv by herself for a while.

novella1186

southernbelle0915 said:

dzzymsslzzy said:

I need some advice!

My sister is the Maid of Honor, my brother's wife is a bridesmaid, followed by two college friends and two childhood friends. I like my fiance's sister, but I am not as close to her as the aforementioned ladies, and I have known her the least amount of time. My fiance did not choose my brother to be a groomsman for similar reasons, so we didn't think it would be a big deal. He has graciously agreed to be an usher. We have selected Fiance's Sister to do a reading for the ceremony, which she is fine with and said she would gladly do whatever we needed.

However, my mother-in-law was not pleased. She called my fiance in tears, wanting to know why her daughter was not a bridesmaid. She sounds incredibly childish and immature. Tears? Over her little princess not being a BM? She needs to get a hold of herself... She said she it was an unwritten rule that all siblings were supposed to be included in the wedding party. She's wrong. This was news to both me and my fiance.

Of course now I feel awful! I don't know what to do, but I have a few options:

1. ASK FIANCE'S SISTER TO BE A BRIDESMAID No.

I haven't asked all of my friends to be in the wedding yet, so no one would know if I replaced them with Fiance's Sister. However, I feel that extending an invitation now would be seen as disingenuous, and she would know she is taking a spot previously dedicated to one of my friends. Also, if I do this, my brother will then be the only sibling not in the bridal party.

2. SEVEN UP You don't need to have even sides.

I really don't want to do this, as I think 6 is pushing it, but we could include Fiance's Sister as well as my brother if we had seven bridesmaids and groomsmen. (Fiance has already asked his 6 groomsmen, so we can't do any replacing on his side.) I dislike uneven wedding parties.

3. LEAVE EVERYTHING AS IS This. Do this.

I feel the damage has already been done and there is no graceful way to fix it. I was planning on inviting Fiance's Sister to the "getting ready" portion of the day, so she would be included in a more exclusive group. Fiance is going to do the same with my brother. (Unless that is some sort of tacky faux pas!)

PLEASE HELP ME! I've been turning this over in my head for days.

Your FMIL is overly dramatic. I almost laughed out loud when I read she called your FI in tears.... seriously? 

No, you don't need to have FSIL as a BM. She can attend as guest. 

Yep, this. I agree 100%. FMIL is out of line. It's your choice. My FSIL isn't a BM in my wedding, and no one is upset over it. Your wedding, your choice. 

abbyj700

Your FMIL is wrong.

Our wedding party includes both my brother and sister but neither my fiances brother or step brother. And that was our decision. Honestly no one seems upset about it. If my FMIL called about this- I'd let FI handle it as it's his mom, and I'd think he'd just want to be gentle, tell her it's our decision and that we're still excited to share our day with his brothers as special guests seated at the reserved family tables. 

levioosa

danamw said:

Well, here is something I don't understand. On this forum, when a bride says something about her own parents, everyone says "out of love and respect for your parents, do what they want so they will be comfortable and happy". But for her future husband's mother, it is "shut her down now, or you will put up with her bitching the rest of your life". Which is it?

Wait, what?  That is not what is said.  That might be what's said to a bridezilla demanding a toast be made (which is probably the post you're referring to), but otherwise we are all about boundaries.  Boundaries with In-laws and parents are a make or break your marriage kind of deal a lot of times.  This situation is completely different than telling your parents that even though they gave you 3K for the wedding you're not allowing them to invite a few friends, or demanding that a toast be made by someone who is terrified of public speaking. 

FMIL is being dramatic.  This probably isn't the first time to pull a stunt like this, and it won't be the last.  

FSIL probably doesn't even care and probably doesn't want to be a pity add bridesmaid.  A reader is just as much of an honor.  

tjc378

My FMIL has done the same thing!  Cries at least three times a month to my fiance about how her family isn't being represented.  Um, it's not her wedding - so maybe that's why.  Do what you want and forget her.  It's only going to get worse from here if you don't put your foot down now.