Should I Just Suck It Up & Attend?

Amanda1443994

My friend is getting married in October and I received the invitation a week ago. Outer envelope was addressed to me and the inner envelope did not have anything written on it. I assumed (my mistake!) that my boyfriend, who lives with me, was invited and RSVPed with the two of us. A few days later I get a call from the bride's mother saying that only guests who are married or engaged can bring significant others because of budgetary restrictions. I was extremely embarrassed and apologized for my mistake since it was truly my fault for just assuming.

Fast forward a few days.. mutual friends of ours have told us that their boyfriends were invited to the wedding and they're bringing them. Maybe it was immature of me, but that really pissed me off. The mother specifically told me only married or engaged couples were allowed, so I don't know why my relationship is viewed as less serious than others.

My dilemma: Should I still attend solo or decline?

jnissa

I wouldn't go even if the other boyfriends weren't invited because it's rude and disrespectful of your relationship that your boyfriend wasn't invited to begin with. My decline would be so fast it would create sparks. 

[Deleted User]

Don't go.  Your friend is rude.

ETA; read this http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1016851/who-do-i-have-to-invite-to-my-wedding-a-guide/p1 and maybe you'll be able to put words on why you know it's rude.

Amanda1443994

Thank you for the link! I thought it was rude, but I didn't know if I was just overreacting. Should I still send a gift? I was invited to her bridal shower and was unable to attend but did send a gift for that.

southernbelle0915

Your friend sounds like a bitch. She doesn't invite your SO (while inviting the SOs of others), then has her mom call you to lie to you about the reason? 

Yea, no. I would not be touching that wedding with a 10 foot pole.

TheBaysideBride

I would decline - I would never have attended a wedding w/o DH when we were seriously dating. What fun is that for guests??

Jen4948

I did not attend the wedding of a kid I babysat because only "married" or "engaged" couples were invited with their partners.  I was in a very serious relationship of over 2 years by that time.

I'd skip this one too.

pinkshorts27

Amanda1443994 said:

Thank you for the link! I thought it was rude, but I didn't know if I was just overreacting. Should I still send a gift? I was invited to her bridal shower and was unable to attend but did send a gift for that.

I wouldn't waste money on someone who judged my relationship so harshly, so I wouldn't, but that is your choice to make

photokitty

I would call the mother up and tell her I was not coming. I'd stop calling my "friend" all together. You already got an invite for October?? I'm guessing B-listing is on the horizon

[Deleted User]

(I got an invite on May 1st for an August 2nd wedding.)

No, no gift for her.  You already sent her a wedding/shower gift and now you've been dissed like this?  No, she gets no more gifts.

holyguacamole79

I wouldn't go, either.  I'm sorry this happened to you.

Amanda1443994

Thanks everyone! I won't be attending or sending a gift. I've been friends with her since highschool (so well over 10 years) and had already put in my half day off at work (it is a 3 pm Friday wedding!). So I guess my boyfriend and I will have an afternoon off together now (:  

thelastdreamer

photokitty said:

I would call the mother up and tell her I was not coming. I'd stop calling my "friend" all together. You already got an invite for October?? I'm guessing B-listing is on the horizon

It's not that far off. We just sent out invites for our October 11 wedding which is now only 8 weeks away. 

Bubblegum5586

I wouldn't go. This is my #1 thing that irks me when it comes to weddings (and it has never actually happened to me lol) It is just so rude!

My littler sister (20) was invited to my cousins wedding on my parent's invite. She doesn't get to bring her BF (of over 3 years) for the same reasons OP mentioned. So my sister is not going! It makes me sad to go without her but proud of her for standing her ground.

IT'S SO RUDE!!!!!!!!!! (sorry had to say it again!)

APDSS22

Amanda1443994 said:

Thanks everyone! I won't be attending or sending a gift. I've been friends with her since highschool (so well over 10 years) and had already put in my half day off at work (it is a 3 pm Friday wedding!). So I guess my boyfriend and I will have an afternoon off together now (:  

That sounds like a much better use of your time.  I wouldn't go to a wedding without my husband, I like weddings but I enjoy things much more when he's there. 

kkitkat79

Amanda1443994 said:

My friend is getting married in October and I received the invitation a week ago. Outer envelope was addressed to me and the inner envelope did not have anything written on it. I assumed (my mistake!) that my boyfriend of two years, who lives with me, was invited and RSVPed with the two of us. A few days later I get a call from the bride's mother saying that only guests who are married or engaged can bring significant others because of budgetary restrictions. I was extremely embarrassed and apologized for my mistake since it was truly my fault for just assuming.

Fast forward a few days.. mutual friends of ours have told us that their boyfriends were invited to the wedding and they're bringing them. Maybe it was immature of me, but that really pissed me off. The mother specifically told me only married or engaged couples were allowed, so I don't know why my relationship is viewed as less serious than others.

My dilemma: Should I still attend solo or decline?

Are you sure the mother got it right? Since other people do get to bring their boyfriends maybe the mother was mistaken? I would check directly with the bride especially since you've been friends for so long.

PrettyGirlLost

photokitty said:

I would call the mother up and tell her I was not coming. I'd stop calling my "friend" all together.
You already got an invite for October?? I'm guessing B-listing is on the horizon

It's not necessarily an indication of B Listing.

My wedding is mid October and venue wants final head count October 4th, so my RSVP date is October 1st. With that and my room blocks being released to the public in September and the end of this month (grrr) my invitations are going out on Monday. I actually wanted them to go out tomorrow but I dunno if I can swing that.

indianaalum

I would decline. That is rude

wrigleyville

"No ring, no bring" is one of the dumbest wedding rules I've ever heard. I cannot imagine being that rude to the people I care about. It's a slap in the face to tell someone their boyfriend or girlfriend "doesn't count", simply because you aren't engaged.

LadyMillil

wrigleyville said:

"No ring, no bring" is one of the dumbest wedding rules I've ever heard. I cannot imagine being that rude to the people I care about. It's a slap in the face to tell someone their boyfriend or girlfriend "doesn't count", simply because you aren't engaged.

So much this. I have a friend that has lived with her BF for something like 8 years. Common law marriage is recognized here (2 years living together as if you were married) so they see no reason to legally get married. Since they will likely never be engaged/married they will never pass the "no ring, no bring" test. 

danamw

Does it have to end the friendship altogether? 

 Could you just decline the invitation, not send a gift, and move on, with the wedding being over, and socialize with her in other ways, like you would have anyway, if the whole invitation thing hadn't happened??

sarahufl

Frankly, it is rude as hell. But I would ask your friend. Since her mom conveyed the message and not her, it may not be accurate. But yeah, if SO is still not invited, don't go and don't give a gift.

huskypuppy14

My opinion, after being married for 8 weeks, is being married is really no different than being engaged or living together.  Our lives are only different because we bought a house. I feel that is more life changing.  

I didn't change my name, so maybe that is part of it.

It's really rude to not invite someone else's SO, when they are coming to an even celebrating YOU and your significant other. It's hypocrisy.

Simply Fated

wrigleyville said:

"No ring, no bring" is one of the dumbest wedding rules I've ever heard. I cannot imagine being that rude to the people I care about. It's a slap in the face to tell someone their boyfriend or girlfriend "doesn't count", simply because you aren't engaged.

Especially since a lot of couples are choosing to never get married. It's a choice, not an obligation. How does marriage automatically validate a relationship? It obviously doesn't. Just take a look at that other thread where the couple married so he could stay in the country. The called it a trial marriage, to see if they wanted to be married for real. WTF? Their relationship is more valid than mine? Oh hell no.

mrsmagicgeek

I wouldn't go. I would, however, consider gifting her a book by Miss Manners - with the relevant sections highlighted.

perdonami

Amanda1443994 said:

Thanks everyone! I won't be attending or sending a gift. I've been friends with her since highschool (so well over 10 years) and had already put in my half day off at work (it is a 3 pm Friday wedding!). So I guess my boyfriend and I will have an afternoon off together now (:  

Okay because you have known your friend for such a significant amount of time, you should talk to her personally about your concerns. Ask her directly whether or not your b/f is invited. I think your relationship with your friend is worth it. I am surprised that a friend of ten years would slight you like that. Better double check before throwing in the towel on this friendship.

Simply Fated

I agree with pp. If you only have her mother's word on this, I would check with your friend directly. It could have been an honest mistake. Her mother might be misinformed. It can't hurt to call up your friend. For all you know, these other friends did the same.

StephJean83

Simply Fated said:

I agree with pp. If you only have her mother's word on this, I would check with your friend directly. It could have been an honest mistake. Her mother might be misinformed. It can't hurt to call up your friend. For all you know, these other friends did the same.

This. My FH and I sent STDates a few months ago for our November wedding. We sent one to a couple FH lived with when we started dating 5 years ago. They know me, they know my name, they know FH and I are engaged and live together, they still sent the invite to just FH. Since the invite was to FH, and they are his friends first, I made him call them and ask. He actually said that he read wedding etiquette on addressing invites and wanted to be clear on if they were title truly not inviting or it was just a mistake. They said they assumed we knew that the invite was for both, to which he said, well she will be taking my last name but she still will be Stephjean83.

Amanda1443994

So I decided to check with my friend to see if it was just a misunderstanding with her mom. Nope. He's really not invited. She said that her and her fiancée have very large families and it just wasn't in the budget to invite people with guests unless they were married or engaged. Clearly, this is a lie since I have mutual friends who are going with their boyfriends.

Honestly, it makes me feel really bad and I'm wondering if she doesn't take my relationship seriously because I have been married before. Husband cheated on me and we divorced after 7 years of being together. I don't know if I ever even want to be married again. So if I stay with my current boyfriend for the rest of my life without the paper telling me I'm committed..will I always have to attend weddings alone?? That sounds horrible to me.

beethery

Amanda1443994 said:

So I decided to check with my friend to see if it was just a misunderstanding with her mom. Nope. He's really not invited. She said that her and her fiancée have very large families and it just wasn't in the budget to invite people with guests unless they were married or engaged. Clearly, this is a lie since I have mutual friends who are going with their boyfriends.

Honestly, it makes me feel really bad and I'm wondering if she doesn't take my relationship seriously because I have been married before. Husband cheated on me and we divorced after 7 years of being together. I don't know if I ever even want to be married again. So if I stay with my current boyfriend for the rest of my life without the paper telling me I'm committed..will I always have to attend weddings alone?? That sounds horrible to me.

NOPE, because good friends wouldn't do that to you. This girl is being an asshole, and not a good friend.

NYCMercedes

Just so not right, Amanda. Could there be a remote possibility your friends' SO's were just added to the reply card by the guests?