How to have this convo UPDATE

FrankensteinLady

Old, married hag here who needs some blunt, straightforward advice. This may get long. Sorry.

I am a bridesmaid in a wedding and my husband is BM. We are expected at the wedding venue from 10 am until 10 pm.
All of our close friends are invited, as are our parents and siblings - essentially everyone we know and trust.
The problem? Our 4 month old isn't invited.

Our little one isn't invited due to the following:
1. Bride and groom want us to "have fun."
2. Infant may cry during the ceremony and then what?
3. There's an open bar.
4. Someone else's toddler also didn't make the cut due to poor behavior, so our kid can't either. (Two uninvited kids vs the 10 or so that are invited, including our nephew).

We have tried speaking with the bride and groom and explaining our dilemma. They have offered suggestions of leaving our infant with a myriad of random people they know or paying our day care provider to keep her from Friday am until Sunday am.

We may have found a solution in a very close coworker offering to watch the baby. However, she lives 1.5 hours from the venue and can't start watching her early enough for us to get there for hair and makeup, just for the actual ceremony.

I won't lie - this has seriously hurt my feelings. These people consider our baby their "niece" but don't seem to care about our dilemma.

I do not know what to do, but I figured you ladies might be able to help me phrase the "I'll be there for the wedding and nothing else" convo.

UPDATE IN COMMENTS pg 2

[Deleted User]

Wow, if this was me, I'd probably have to decline to attend the wedding and stay home with my baby.  "I'm really sorry, but as everyone our baby knows will be attending your wedding, but our baby can't attend your wedding, I'm going to have to stay home that day with the kid.  At four months old, we come as a set.  If he can't be there, I can't be there."

holyguacamole79

"Hey Jane - I'm so excited for your wedding!  What time do I need to be at the ceremony venue for pictures?  I won't be able to join y'all for the pre-wedding pampering."

That's all I would say.  If she asks why, explain your childcare situation.

Or I would put a few flowers around your baby's onesie and claim that's your bouquet.  (kidding, but not really).

[Deleted User]

sarahbear31 said:

"Hey Jane - I'm so excited for your wedding!  What time do I need to be at the ceremony venue for pictures?  I won't be able to join y'all for the pre-wedding pampering."

That's all I would say.  If she asks why, explain your childcare situation.

Or I would put a few flowers around your baby's onesie and claim that's your bouquet.  (kidding, but not really).

agreed.  If you feel like you can leave your baby with someone for the Ceremony and early part of the Reception, I'd inform the bride that I'd be arriving to the ceremony location half an hour prior to the start of the ceremony.  I honestly don't even think I'd ask, I'd just let her know the plan.  "Hi Jane, since the wedding starts at 5pm, I'll be showing up at the church at 4:30pm after dropping baby off with the sitter.  I'll see you then!"

FrankensteinLady

Thanks so much so far, ladies. I guess I'm just worried about her reaction. "Jane's" other issues and reactions have bordered on bridezilla (which is unlike her, and why I am her friend and bridesmaid). I think she's lost her damn mind over this wedding.

FrankensteinLady

@adk19‌ yeah. I'm not really comfortable leaving the baby, but I recognize my anxiety is my problem.

@sarahbear31‌ Flowers on the baby are my husband's plan. He's our rude one and suggested we just show up with her. Is she really gonna kick the best man out?

[Deleted User]

FrankensteinLady said:

Thanks so much so far, ladies. I guess I'm just worried about her reaction. "Jane's" other issues and reactions have bordered on bridezilla (which is unlike her, and why I am her friend and bridesmaid). I think she's lost her damn mind over this wedding.

Just one more reason to State rather than Ask.  "I will be at the wedding.  Hope your morning goes well.  I'll be playing with 'your niece' while you are getting your hair done and will see you at the church."

holyguacamole79

FrankensteinLady said:

Thanks so much so far, ladies. I guess I'm just worried about her reaction. "Jane's" other issues and reactions have bordered on bridezilla (which is unlike her, and why I am her friend and bridesmaid). I think she's lost her damn mind over this wedding.

If her reaction is bitchy, this would be mine:


Seriously, though.  You have a 4 month old.  This is just asininie.  No, it's asi-ten. 

holyguacamole79

FrankensteinLady said:

@adk19‌ yeah. I'm not really comfortable leaving the baby, but I recognize my anxiety is my problem. @sarahbear31‌ Flowers on the baby are my husband's plan. He's our rude one and suggested we just show up with her. Is she really gonna kick the best man out?

Sounds like you married a good man. 
ETA: I meant about him agreeing with me about the baby bouquet. I'm just being snarky. I do agree with @mishart00 that it would be even more rude on your part to bring your baby. If you still want to be in the wedding, I say just show up for pics before the ceremony, the actual ceremony, and any post-ceremony pics. I would then graciously leave.

Jen4948

I recognize that it's inconvenient for you to not have your baby with you, but the couple was not obligated to invite the baby and it was not rude of them not to do so. The first thing you need to do is accept that, regardless of how "hurt" that makes you feel. Second, you have a decision to make: Either you need to find someone you trust to leave the baby with or you have to decline to attend at least the reception. (If you're in the wedding party you need to attend at least the ceremony.)

wrigleyville

This is why wedding party members are generally given a pass on the "no kids" thing. With guests, they can decline if they don't want to come (or can't come) without their kid(s), but the wedding party can't just decline without causing some major issues.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Yes, it's the couple's choice to exclude kids, but then they have to realize the consequences, i.e. certain members of the wedding party can't make it. I hope they aren't trying to put any blame on you.

We did not invite children to our wedding, but we made an exception for our nieces because it would have meant our siblings couldn't make it. Priorities and all that.

misshart00

Please don't just show up with the baby. That's incredibly rude, no matter how much of a bridezilla she is.

[Deleted User]

FrankensteinLady said:

@adk19‌ yeah. I'm not really comfortable leaving the baby, but I recognize my anxiety is my problem. @sarahbear31‌ Flowers on the baby are my husband's plan. He's our rude one and suggested we just show up with her. Is she really gonna kick the best man out?

Show up with the little girl in her Sunday best.  Inform the bride that your babysitter cancelled this morning.  Hand the child to one of your family members who are guests.  And do your duties as a bridesmaid.  Then, after pictures, give the bride a hug and tell her you'll be taking the baby and going home so she won't interrupt the reception.  Bride will probably tell you to both just stay.  I mean, yes, rude, but I think I like your husband because I'm just passive aggressive enough to respond to rude with rude.

wrigleyville

No. Do not just show up with the baby. Guests do that all the time, to make a point, and it's irritating. It only encourages other people to do the same thing. You do not counteract one rude act with another. It's immature.

Either find a sitter, work out a timeline with the bride as suggested above, or decline to participate altogether.

FrankensteinLady

Oh no. We won't just show up with the baby as that's horribly rude. It's more a tongue-in-cheek response.

And I know they don't have to invite my baby, but it baffles me why my infant nephew is invited but not my infant child.

FrankensteinLady

Thanks all. I like the idea of just stating what time I'll be arriving.

mysticl

Jen4948 said:

I recognize that it's inconvenient for you to not have your baby with you, but the couple was not obligated to invite the baby and it was not rude of them not to do so. The first thing you need to do is accept that, regardless of how "hurt" that makes you feel. Second, you have a decision to make: Either you need to find someone you trust to leave the baby with or you have to decline to attend at least the reception. (If you're in the wedding party you need to attend at least the ceremony.)

I think part of OP's hurt feelings come from the fact that other children have been invited to the wedding and hers and one other child are basically being singled out as undesirable and her child is being judged on this other kid's behavior.  

OP your options are decline the invitation and drop out of the wedding or just use a sitter for the time you are comfortable with/the sitter is available.  Personally I think 12 hours is a ridiculous expectation. Do your own hair and makeup and either hop into your dress very quickly at the venue or show up already dressed.  When DS was 4 months old I would have declined a wedding invite but it sounds like we have different circumstances so my reasonings wouldn't work for you. 

FrankensteinLady

@mys

mysticl said:

Jen4948 said:

I recognize that it's inconvenient for you to not have your baby with you, but the couple was not obligated to invite the baby and it was not rude of them not to do so. The first thing you need to do is accept that, regardless of how "hurt" that makes you feel.

Second, you have a decision to make: Either you need to find someone you trust to leave the baby with or you have to decline to attend at least the reception. (If you're in the wedding party you need to attend at least the ceremony.)

I think part of OP's hurt feelings come from the fact that other children have been invited to the wedding and hers and one other child are basically being singled out as undesirable and her child is being judged on this other kid's behavior.

 

OP your options are decline the invitation and drop out of the wedding or just use a sitter for the time you are comfortable with/the sitter is available.  Personally I think 12 hours is a ridiculous expectation. Do your own hair and makeup and either hop into your dress very quickly at the venue or show up already dressed.  When DS was 4 months old I would have declined a wedding invite but it sounds like we have different circumstances so my reasonings wouldn't work for you. 

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ETA: this is my response. TK quote boxes suck all the things.

I have found that I'm a pretty breezy parent and will leave my kid generally anywhere I know the caregiver. Unfortunately, on a top 15 list of who I'd leave the baby with, they're ALL invited.

I'm thinking I'll suggest to my husband that he go early and I'll wrangle the kid and show up in time for the pics before the ceremony.

daria24

I'm all for kid-free weddings, but I think couples have to be realistic about the result of not invited all or certain kids. An infant doesn't have to be invited, but that may mean mom or dad can't attend or can only be there for a certain amount of time. Do you have a childcare provider who can care for the baby for a few hours? If so I would tell the bride that either you or your husband will show up for photos (if they are pre-ceremony) and the ceremony (or photos after the ceremony) and maybe the start of the reception so you can be there for the main events, but then you will have to go home. If you don't have a trusted childcare provider (and I wouldn't be happy to stick my infant with some rando recommended by the bride), then you can't go. The end.

lyndausvi

FrankensteinLady said:

Oh no. We won't just show up with the baby as that's horribly rude. It's more a tongue-in-cheek response. And I know they don't have to invite my baby, but it baffles me why my infant nephew is invited but not my infant child.

That is a good question. I would be annoyed at that also.   It might be as a WP members,  the bride is trying to force you to "have fun" by taking the child out of the equation.  Which rarely works.  Let's face it most new moms are going to worry about the kids, let alone those who are with a new sitter.

   Anyway, once my parents, siblings and myself were invited to an OOT wedding.  None of my nieces and nephews were invited (oldest was 4 at the time, the other 5 were 9-18 months old).  My sister's in-laws and my aunt and cousin drove to the same location and watched all 6 of them while we went to the wedding.  My dad covered their hotel.

Not that it's idea, but my sister lived OOT from both her in-laws and our aunt so they were excited to be able to spend time with the kids.  Maybe your husband's side?  Extended family or friends who might want to come in to help?

If that type of thing is not an option I would try and find someone to watch him for the ceremony and skip the reception.   Your child is your first priority.   4 month old is not very old, then add in a new mom and your parents and siblings being at the wedding.  I do not blame you for not wanting to leave the child to a stranger at that age.    

 I get the feeling that if your parents or siblings were not invited you would leave the child. So it's not like you are being all my kid must be with me type of parent.   Most parents have a short list of caretakers.

wrigleyville

FrankensteinLady said:

Oh no. We won't just show up with the baby as that's horribly rude. It's more a tongue-in-cheek response. And I know they don't have to invite my baby, but it baffles me why my infant nephew is invited but not my infant child.

Sorry. I didn't mean you. I was addressing anyone else who suggested it.

sophhabobopha

I'm mostly confused on why you're being required to be there for TWELVE FUCKING HOURS. Honestly, how long does this woman take to get dressed?

sarahufl

I would tell them what you said here- you don't feel comfortable with the child care options and you are going to have to cut your day short.

Who knows, maybe they will let you bring your child.

FTR- a kid cried in my ceremony and I am still married

lovesclimbing

FrankensteinLady said:

Oh no. We won't just show up with the baby as that's horribly rude. It's more a tongue-in-cheek response.

And I know they don't have to invite my baby, but it baffles me why my infant nephew is invited but not my infant child.

Wait, so another infant is invited but your infant isn't? I find that to be very rude since you're in the WP. I'd do what PPs suggested, tell her when you'll be there and show up then.

doeydo

lovesclimbing said:

Oh no. We won't just show up with the baby as that's horribly rude. It's more a tongue-in-cheek response. And I know they don't have to invite my baby, but it baffles me why my infant nephew is invited but not my infant child.

Wait, so another infant is invited but your infant isn't? I find that to be very rude since you're in the WP. I'd do what PPs suggested, tell her when you'll be there and show up then.

Maybe the bride and groom are bonded to that particular kid, or something.  

ETA  or maybe the one infant is a "good" baby and isn't a crier and just sits there most of the time.

lyndausvi

lovesclimbing said:

Oh no. We won't just show up with the baby as that's horribly rude. It's more a tongue-in-cheek response. And I know they don't have to invite my baby, but it baffles me why my infant nephew is invited but not my infant child.

Wait, so another infant is invited but your infant isn't? I find that to be very rude since you're in the WP. I'd do what PPs suggested, tell her when you'll be there and show up then.

Her sibling's baby at that.  

I'm going with they think if she doesn't being the kid she will have more fun.    Being in the WP and all.  

Cause you know, WP member with kids are lame and are not capable  of having fun if their kid is around.

mysticl

doeydo said:

lovesclimbing said:

Oh no. We won't just show up with the baby as that's horribly rude. It's more a tongue-in-cheek response. And I know they don't have to invite my baby, but it baffles me why my infant nephew is invited but not my infant child.

Wait, so another infant is invited but your infant isn't? I find that to be very rude since you're in the WP. I'd do what PPs suggested, tell her when you'll be there and show up then.

Maybe the bride and groom are bonded to that particular kid, or something.  

ETA  or maybe the one infant is a "good" baby and isn't a crier and just sits there most of the time.

They call the OP's baby their "niece", sounds like they are bonded to her kid.  As for the crying, while some babies do cry more than others you cannot make assumptions about how an infant is going to behave in any situation.  Especially a new situation like a wedding.  

ETF typo

doeydo

mysticl said:

doeydo said:

lovesclimbing said:

Oh no. We won't just show up with the baby as that's horribly rude. It's more a tongue-in-cheek response. And I know they don't have to invite my baby, but it baffles me why my infant nephew is invited but not my infant child.

Wait, so another infant is invited but your infant isn't? I find that to be very rude since you're in the WP. I'd do what PPs suggested, tell her when you'll be there and show up then.

Maybe the bride and groom are bonded to that particular kid, or something.  

ETA  or maybe the one infant is a "good" baby and isn't a crier and just sits there most of the time.

They call the OP's baby their "niece", sounds like they are bonded to her kid.  As for the crying, while some babies do cry more than others you cannot make assumptions about how an infant is going to behave in any situation.  Especially a new situation like a wedding.  

ETF typo

Right, but I just meant that maybe they spend more time with that baby so they got closer to him or her versus the other one (even though they are on the same "relative level"). 

lovesclimbing

doeydo said:

mysticl said:

doeydo said:

lovesclimbing said:

FrankensteinLady said:

Oh no. We won't just show up with the baby as that's horribly rude. It's more a tongue-in-cheek response.

And I know they don't have to invite my baby, but it baffles me why my infant nephew is invited but not my infant child.

Wait, so another infant is invited but your infant isn't? I find that to be very rude since you're in the WP. I'd do what PPs suggested, tell her when you'll be there and show up then.

Maybe the bride and groom are bonded to that particular kid, or something.  

ETA  or maybe the one infant is a "good" baby and isn't a crier and just sits there most of the time.

They call the OP's baby their "niece", sounds like they are bonded to her kid.  As for the crying, while some babies do cry more than others you cannot make assumptions about how an infant is going to behave in any situation.  Especially a new situation like a wedding.  

ETF typo

Right, but I just meant that maybe they spend more time with that baby so they got closer to him or her versus the other one (even though they are on the same "relative level"). 

----------------

I get what you're saying @doeydo. But the OP has explained to the bride that leaving the baby is an issue. And the bride still says you can't bring the baby even though another baby is being brought. It just seems very mean and controlling of the bride when she knows it's creating a serious issue for the parents.

lyndausvi

doeydo said:

mysticl said:

doeydo said:

lovesclimbing said:

Oh no. We won't just show up with the baby as that's horribly rude. It's more a tongue-in-cheek response. And I know they don't have to invite my baby, but it baffles me why my infant nephew is invited but not my infant child.

Wait, so another infant is invited but your infant isn't? I find that to be very rude since you're in the WP. I'd do what PPs suggested, tell her when you'll be there and show up then.

Maybe the bride and groom are bonded to that particular kid, or something.  

ETA  or maybe the one infant is a "good" baby and isn't a crier and just sits there most of the time.

They call the OP's baby their "niece", sounds like they are bonded to her kid.  As for the crying, while some babies do cry more than others you cannot make assumptions about how an infant is going to behave in any situation.  Especially a new situation like a wedding.  

ETF typo

Right, but I just meant that maybe they spend more time with that baby so they got closer to him or her versus the other one (even though they are on the same "relative level"). 

***SITB ****

While that might be true the OP is in the WP.  It stands to reason the bride would be as close to the OP's  child as the OP's sibling's child.    Let's face it they are both infants.  How close can one be to an infant?  Infants are under 12 months old. OP's is 4 months old.  It's kind of silly to think the bride has bonded so much with an infant who is 1-8 months older than the OP's that they get invited to the wedding.

It's weird.  Unless again, she is making that rule because she wants her WP members to be totally focused on herself and having the 4 month old would be distracting.    Seriously, that is the  only thing that makes sense here. 

huskypuppy14

What is you and your husband's relationship to the bride and groom?  Are these your friends, or family? I find it baffling that you and your husband are both in the wedding party and you told her you have a conflict, and they won't budge. 

I assume the bridesmaids have to come early to get hair and makeup done, but why does your husband have to be there so early?  Can't he watch the baby in the morning, if you have to get hair and makeup done?