How to have this convo UPDATE

Simply Fated

I agree with pps who suggested you let the bride and groom know that you will both be arriving at a later time due to a baby-sitting conflict. That's all. "Bride, my baby-sitter won't be available until X-time. After we leave DS with the sitter, DH and I will be at the venue at Y-time."


I know it's an UO, but let this new sitter you found be a trial run for maybe future times when you need a sitter. My friend refuses to leave her children with anyone who isn't family or me. Sometimes we're not available, as your family and friends aren't for this wedding. I totally understand not wanting to leave your child with someone you aren't close with, but I promise you, trustworthy sitters are out there. I know, I used to be one lol.

This thread, in general, is why I always suggest not giving a reason as to why a person isn't invited. Reasons can be reasoned away.

FrankensteinLady

doeydo said:

lovesclimbing said:

FrankensteinLady said:

Oh no. We won't just show up with the baby as that's horribly rude. It's more a tongue-in-cheek response.

And I know they don't have to invite my baby, but it baffles me why my infant nephew is invited but not my infant child.

Wait, so another infant is invited but your infant isn't? I find that to be very rude since you're in the WP. I'd do what PPs suggested, tell her when you'll be there and show up then.

Maybe the bride and groom are bonded to that particular kid, or something.  

ETA  or maybe the one infant is a "good" baby and isn't a crier and just sits there most of the time.

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Yep. The kid that's super chill and bonded to the couple is my kid. I needed to provide the last name of the other infant and parents.

FrankensteinLady

huskypuppy14 said:

What is you and your husband's relationship to the bride and groom?  Are these your friends, or family?

The groom is my husband's best friend from college.


I find it baffling that you and your husband are both in the wedding party and you told her you have a conflict, and they won't budge. 

I'm guessing they've made this their hill to die on.

assume the bridesmaids have to come early to get hair and makeup done, but why does your husband have to be there so early?  Can't he watch the baby in the morning, if you have to get hair and makeup done?

He's "supposed" to be there at 10 also BC both ceremony and reception venue need to be decorated. Andplusalso, she wants us all where she can easily find us - because we apparently can't dress ourselves without supervision.

FrankensteinLady

lyndausvi said:

FrankensteinLady said:

Oh no. We won't just show up with the baby as that's horribly rude. It's more a tongue-in-cheek response.

And I know they don't have to invite my baby, but it baffles me why my infant nephew is invited but not my infant child.

That is a good question. I would be annoyed at that also.   It might be as a WP members,  the bride is trying to force you to "have fun" by taking the child out of the equation.  Which rarely works.  Let's face it most new moms are going to worry about the kids, let alone those who are with a new sitter.

   Anyway, once my parents, siblings and myself were invited to an OOT wedding.  None of my nieces and nephews were invited (oldest was 4 at the time, the other 5 were 9-18 months old).  My sister's in-laws and my aunt and cousin drove to the same location and watched all 6 of them while we went to the wedding.  My dad covered their hotel.

Not that it's idea, but my sister lived OOT from both her in-laws and our aunt so they were excited to be able to spend time with the kids.  Maybe your husband's side?  Extended family or friends who might want to come in to help?

If that type of thing is not an option I would try and find someone to watch him for the ceremony and skip the reception.   Your child is your first priority.   4 month old is not very old, then add in a new mom and your parents and siblings being at the wedding.  I do not blame you for not wanting to leave the child to a stranger at that age.    

 I get the feeling that if your parents or siblings were not invited you would leave the child. So it's not like you are being all my kid must be with me type of parent.   Most parents have a short list of caretakers.

To clarify, parents and siblings on both sides are invited. As well as top 15 people I'd leave her with. Other than this one caretaker, my next options are asking people whose phone numbers I don't even possess. That's how not close I am to them.

huskypuppy14

FrankensteinLady said:

He's "supposed" to be there at 10 also BC both ceremony and reception venue need to be decorated. Andplusalso, she wants us all where she can easily find us - because we apparently can't dress ourselves without supervision.

Simply Fated

FrankensteinLady said:

What is you and your husband's relationship to the bride and groom?  Are these your friends, or family? The groom is my husband's best friend from college. I find it baffling that you and your husband are both in the wedding party and you told her you have a conflict, and they won't budge. 

I'm guessing they've made this their hill to die on. assume the bridesmaids have to come early to get hair and makeup done, but why does your husband have to be there so early?  Can't he watch the baby in the morning, if you have to get hair and makeup done?

He's "supposed" to be there at 10 also BC both ceremony and reception venue need to be decorated. Andplusalso, she wants us all where she can easily find us - because we apparently can't dress ourselves without supervision.

Ok, I stand by my advice for another reason now. Not only will the sitter you found be able to watch your kid, but you will conveniently miss out on heading up the decorating committee.

FrankensteinLady

And sorry for thread bombing with all my replies. I feel weirdly obligated to try and answer everyone who took the time to help. At this point, I plan on taking the "just telling her the time I'm showing up" approach and hoping she doesn't kick me put of the wedding party as my husband is strongly attached to me and would rage-quit in my honor, destroying his friendship.

lyndausvi

I would withdraw from the wedding party.   

I'm even pro-not-inviting kids, but this is a little ridiculous.   

jdluvr06

Honestly if you have explained to the bride how hard it is gonna be for you and your husband and she still isn't budging I'd probably drop out of the wedding and not attend.

theartistformerlyknownas

Yeah I'd drop out.

kimberly0315

The couple are not obligated to let your daughter come.  But if it were me, I wouldn't leave my daughter all day, or all weekend.  I would probably wish them the best and decline the wedding.  Good luck!

MairePoppy

The couple's not obligated to invite your baby. But you aren't obligated to attend the wedding, either. As a parent, it's your right to decide whether you want to leave your daughter with a sitter.

If you want to stay in the wedding party and feel comfortable leaving your baby with the coworker, you should let the bride know that you and your husband will arrive on time for the ceremony and will be leaving the reception early enough to pick up your baby on time. I would make zero effort to participate in the decorating or clean up.

I think she excluded your baby because she wants you at her beck and call.  

mysticl

MairePoppy said:

The couple's not obligated to invite your baby. But you aren't obligated to attend the wedding, either. As a parent, it's your right to decide whether you want to leave your daughter with a sitter.

If you want to stay in the wedding party and feel comfortable leaving your baby with the coworker, you should let the bride know that you and your husband will arrive on time for the ceremony and will be leaving the reception early enough to pick up your baby on time. I would make zero effort to participate in the decorating or clean up.

I think she excluded your baby because she wants you at her beck and call.  

I think you hit the nail on the head

lotsosandwiches

Ew. If she's inviting other infants, she clearly has excluded yours because she wants you to be drinking mimosas with her, fawning over her hair and makeup, and decorating her venue for her! Terrible!! It doesn't even make sense since you'll have your whole family there with you to hold the baby while you are completing your BM "duties" (which you obviously shouldn't have anyway). We have a no-kids wedding but it wasn't even a question that babies didn't fall into this. I'd talk to her one last time, explain that you won't be carrying the baby down the aisle with you and you just have no other option. If she holds her ground a third time, I'd pull out too.

NYCMercedes

Your husband should join you at showing up at five. That decorating shit is a no go.

wrigleyville

I'm trying to imagine telling one of my BMs that I'm more important than their kid that day, and if we're decorating the hall, they need to be paying attention to me and my "vision" instead of soothing their kid or feeding it.

But then I start laughing, because that is RIDICULOUS.

FrankensteinLady

UPDATE
We had the discussion. We had a babysitter for 4 hours. Bride and groom decided it was more important for me to be there to help decorate than it was for my DH (best man) to be at the reception.

This has drastically changed how my DH views his best friend. Thank you for all your help.

Racheldh83

FrankensteinLady said:

UPDATE We had the discussion. We had a babysitter for 4 hours. Bride and groom decided it was more important for me to be there to help decorate than it was for my DH (best man) to be at the reception. This has drastically changed how my DH views his best friend. Thank you for all your help.

Wait so maybe I don't understand they don't cAre if he is at reception as long as the child isn't? .... Hmm my phone and fb would be down one person and someone would be promoted to bf status

holyguacamole79

Good grief. So what are you going to do?

OliveOilsMom

That's crazy and I would be declining the whole thing!  And I might not tell them I can't make it until the day before.  Then they are scrambling for more help to decorate last minute.

photokitty

Good to hear that burlap and lace still trumps life-long friendship and the BM's toast...all is right in the world!
*sarcasm font*

OP what's that? Is that a cough and a tickle in your throat? I think you're coming down with a bug and will sleep through the mandatory arts and crafts session, but you'll soldier on through the ceremony. Good thing you guys are already skipping the reception so you can head back to bed. Get well soon! ;-)

kmmssg

I'll bet it is strep - it is always strep and that crap is highly contagious......

Maggie0829

FrankensteinLady said:

UPDATE We had the discussion. We had a babysitter for 4 hours. Bride and groom decided it was more important for me to be there to help decorate than it was for my DH (best man) to be at the reception. This has drastically changed how my DH views his best friend. Thank you for all your help.

I am pretty sure that my ass would be telling this bride and groom to shove it.

MairePoppy

So the bride expects you and your husband to drive 1 1/2 hours each way, in separate cars? You should tell her, "I'm sorry, that won't be possible." Then drop out of the wp.

PrettyGirlLost

MairePoppy said:

So the bride expects you and your husband to drive 1 1/2 hours each way, in separate cars? You should tell her, "I'm sorry, that won't be possible." Then drop out of the wp.

I believe my response to this coupe would be "Are you fucking serious?!"

I'd tell them, "Here's the deal.  Our babysitter is available at X time, so once she arrives we will head over to the ceremony location and we will be fully dressed and ready to go.  We will not be able to help you decorate your reception venue- you should have hired someone to do that. 

If using us as slave labor to fulfill your "vision" is more important than working with us so that we can have childcare and attend your ceremony AND reception together, then as Heidi Klum says 'We're Out!' and this friendship is also over.  Good luck to you assholes in your future marriage."

ETA: OP, so what are you guys going to do? ><

daria24

This wedding:

jaygeejay

This post actually makes me sad! I completely understand not wanting children at your wedding, but as someone with a 3 month old, I find this completely ridiculous. If these people love and care about you enough to have you in their wedding, they should be WAY more understanding. It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to respect their no kids rule and they are just being rude at this point! As a pp said, they are just looking for worker bees and that is not what your bridal party is about! Stay home with your beautiful baby and ditch these jerks!

PrettyGirlLost

jonseynomore said:

This post actually makes me sad! I completely understand not wanting children at your wedding, but as someone with a 3 month old, I find this completely ridiculous. If these people love and care about you enough to have you in their wedding, they should be WAY more understanding. It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to respect their no kids rule and they are just being rude at this point! As a pp said, they are just looking for worker bees and that is not what your bridal party is about! Stay home with your beautiful baby and ditch these jerks!

Preach!

KatieinBkln

Wow, I really can't believe these "friends." I'm all for child-free weddings, but I feel like if you can't make an exception for your bridesmaid, you're an asshole. If you expect your bridesmaid to decorate your venue for you, you're an asshole. If you refuse to yield even after being asked nicely, you're an asshole. And if you suggest that your husband's groomsman LEAVE THE RECEPTION because you'd rather have him absent than present with a baby, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE! OP, your "friend" is an asshole. My condolences.

FrankensteinLady

Thanks for all the kind thoughts about setting this shit on fire. I have been rage crying on and off all day for my husband.

He's so fucking sad. For clarification, we told them we could arrive for ceremony and then stay for an hour and a half of the reception. Her response was that I was needed at hair and for decorating.

My husband clarified for them that the decision meant we would not attend the reception at all.

Their response - "I guess that's how it'll have to be."