Moms and Maids

Not being friends after the wedding.....

Ugh, so I am having a REALLY difficult time with the MAJORITY of my bridal party. The friends (not family) who I picked I thought would be excited for me and willing to help no matter what I needed. And I would do the same for them if thier wedding was 5 weeks away.

I've been engaged 2 years and most of my bridal party is acting like I just sprung all this stuff on them...examples: I wanted to get dresses done in February, 2 TOLD ME no because THEY wanted to loose weight first. Then my MOH tells me she plans on having weight loss surgery 6 weeks before the wedding....actually just found out yesterday that she decided to schedule it for 3 days after the wedding (how nice of her to do that, after 5 months of me stressing about it.) This same MOH has been soooo cheap! Every time the bachlorette party is brought up she makes a point to remind me that she put down the $200 deposit and she's going to need that back. Wtf. ..who does that...my friends I guess. Another's dress came in, in June and just picked it up last week....from my mother's house. She had to go pick it up because the store was saying they we're going to send it back if it wasn't picked up. Months later and after multiple pleads to go and make sure her dress fit. She did. The same BM tried getting out of my bridal shower with the excuse of not being able to get time off from her part time job. I emailed her saying how much I'd appreciate her being there...within an hour she said..."ok, I worked it out" ~ why did I have to asked her to be there? ! And this particular BM just sent the MOH a text saying she isn't attending the Bachlorette party because money is tight, but every time I see her she can't stop talking about her wedding (next year) A different BM found out she was pregnant in Jan (my wedding is in sept) she was able to attend the bridal shower but won't be able to come to the Bachlorette party ~ this I have a bit more sympathy for. Her husband is awful but that for another board: ) Also, this one says she doesn't plan on getting her makeup done....what! No, she will not be the only one walking down the aisle with no makeup on.

Anyway, it's been one problem after another with all three friends who are in the wedding. My family is fine. I'm just dumbfounded that these grown women are acting like this. I've been quiet and letting most things go. I actually haven't asked them to do ANYTHING extra just the things a bridal party is supposed to do. Not one of them has helped with a single thing. Nor have I asked them to. My sister, cousin and my mother planned the entire bridal shower. Even asking the others for a little help they decline.

Like I said I'm just baffled at their behavior and almost every part of me wants to ask them not to participate. But my conscious won't let me. They already have thier dresses....altered I'm not sure.

Has anyone this problem before? How did you handle it? Are you friends with your bridal party? What would you do if in my situation? Are my expectations to high? Although I don't feel like I'm asking very much at all...these are all things I have and would do if they were to be married. I was in the pregnant BM wedding 3 years ago...and I did what I was told.

I'm just afraid I'm going to resent them during and after the wedding. Now I need to be fake and act like everything is ok, just to be able to enjoy myself.....I hold grudges. Not one of my best qualities but it's a fact.

Thoughts???
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Re: Not being friends after the wedding.....

  • Cindy9714Cindy9714 member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    Ha, ok. Thanks for the input. Guess I'll be a "drama llama" then.

    But to address somethings you brought up. Engagement has been two year, they haven't heard about it for two years....real planning with the bridal party started in February 2014 so I doubt they are tired of hearing about it. Two years ago they didn't act like anything. We announced the engagement, asked the bridal party and that was that. I don't real anyone acting any particular way. Of course they we're happy for us.

    As far as the makeup and bridal shower, we are on different pages here...I feel like if anyone who's getting married asks for people to wear makeup...They should. I didn't specify who's paying for what..But it's not a money issue with the makeup and the bridesmaid. As far as the shower, yes it's expected that they all show up unless there is an emergency. When I asked them to be a part of this day and they agreed, it should have been understood that these events were part of the experience and I'd like them to be present. No one should have to go out of Thier way to ask their bridesmaid to attend the events leading up the the wedding.

    Annnnnd the MOH wasn't asked to plop down any money for anything. In fact I offered to make deposits if needed. She insisted that she had it taken care of.

    No one is ruining the wedding. It would take a bit more than some grief between BMs to RUIN the day. But it would have been nice to have people who cooperated.

    Perhaps my expectations of my very best friends are to high. Seems like they would be much better off in a wedding with a bride like yourself :) Thanks again for the reply!
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2014
    Cindy9714 said:
    Ha, ok. Thanks for the input. Guess I'll be a "drama llama" then. But to address somethings you brought up. Engagement has been two year, they haven't heard about it for two years....real planning with the bridal party started in February 2014 so I doubt they are tired of hearing about it. Two years ago they didn't act like anything. We announced the engagement, asked the bridal party and that was that. I don't real anyone acting any particular way. Of course they we're happy for us. As far as the makeup and bridal shower, we are on different pages here...I feel like if anyone who's getting married asks for people to wear makeup...They should. I didn't specify who's paying for what..But it's not a money issue with the makeup and the bridesmaid. As far as the shower, yes it's expected that they all show up unless there is an emergency. When I asked them to be a part of this day and they agreed, it should have been understood that these events were part of the experience and I'd like them to be present. No one should have to go out of Thier way to ask their bridesmaid to attend the events leading up the the wedding. Annnnnd the MOH wasn't asked to plop down any money for anything. In fact I offered to make deposits if needed. She insisted that she had it taken care of. No one is ruining the wedding. It would take a bit more than some grief between BMs to RUIN the day. But it would have been nice to have people who cooperated. Perhaps my expectations of my very best friends are to high. Seems like they would be much better off in a wedding with a bride like yourself :) Thanks again for the reply!




    It's her face and her money. If she does not want to wear makeup, she does not have to. If she does not want to pay for someone to do her makeup, she does not have to. Simple as that. You can ask her to use your makeup artist if you pay for it, but she can still say no. Her body, her choice. That's what we learn when we're in kindergarten.

    ETA: It is likely that you have NO real idea what her finances are, what loans she has, etc. And even if she is fabulously wealthy, it's her money and she can spend it as she pleases.  

    This also applies to the bridesmaid who sound like she is saving money for her own wedding so will not attend your bachelorette party. Showers and bachelorette parties are OPTIONAL. You should be thrilled that anyone is throwing one for you. Of course you can be disappointed that not everyone can attend, but to be bitter the way you are.... Take it down many notches. 

    Your expectations are grossly inflated. You sound like a horrible friend. I'm not saying you ARE one, but you need to realize that you sound like you're not being a good friend by blaming people for making choices about their time and money and bodies. Being in a bridal party means they buy a dress and show up to your ceremony. Everything else is extra. 
    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • PellegcmPellegcm Nap-town member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    Cindy9714 said:
    Ha, ok. Thanks for the input. Guess I'll be a "drama llama" then. But to address somethings you brought up. Engagement has been two year, they haven't heard about it for two years....real planning with the bridal party started in February 2014 so I doubt they are tired of hearing about it. Two years ago they didn't act like anything. We announced the engagement, asked the bridal party and that was that. I don't real anyone acting any particular way. Of course they we're happy for us. As far as the makeup and bridal shower, we are on different pages here...I feel like if anyone who's getting married asks for people to wear makeup...They should. I didn't specify who's paying for what..But it's not a money issue with the makeup and the bridesmaid. As far as the shower, yes it's expected that they all show up unless there is an emergency. When I asked them to be a part of this day and they agreed, it should have been understood that these events were part of the experience and I'd like them to be present. No one should have to go out of Thier way to ask their bridesmaid to attend the events leading up the the wedding. Annnnnd the MOH wasn't asked to plop down any money for anything. In fact I offered to make deposits if needed. She insisted that she had it taken care of. No one is ruining the wedding. It would take a bit more than some grief between BMs to RUIN the day. But it would have been nice to have people who cooperated. Perhaps my expectations of my very best friends are to high. Seems like they would be much better off in a wedding with a bride like yourself :) Thanks again for the reply!
    Unless you specifically talked about this with each girl before they accepted being a bridesmaid, nothing is ever simply "understood." That, and people have lives outside of these parties. 


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    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • If your one bridesmaid found out she was pregnant in January that means her due date is coming up.  And you have a "bit" of sympathy for her not attending your bachelorette party? Attending a party could be very difficult for her.  Depending on when in September your wedding is and when she delivers and how the birth goes there is a chance she may not make the wedding.  
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    OP - get over yourself.
    samanthacain
  • I'm just going to quote this so you'll read it a second time....So, OP, grab a glass of wine (or alcoholic beverage of choice) take a deep breath and read this again... 

    Let me start by saying I am probably more sympathetic to you and your issues than a lot of people are going to be (not a criticism of other people on here), and I feel ya on some of these counts.  It is commonly accepted that the only technical responsibilities of a bridesmaid is to 1) buy the dress and 2) show up sober on the day of the wedding, but I personally don't feel it's unreasonable to hope for a little more.  I would be very upset if one of my bridesmaids wasn't able to make it to my shower, especially if I felt she had an excuse for not attending that could have been avoided.  I also would be stressed out at the delay you've experienced of getting things in order with their dresses.  It's easy to tell someone else "let it go, it'll all work out (or it won't and that won't be the end of the world either)", but it's hard to control feeling frustrated about those kinds of things.  But that being said, I think you do need to hear a few things:

    1. The only universal expectations of bridesmaids are to buy the dress and show up.  It's true that a lot of bridesmaids and brides alike assume that BMs in reality are going to go far above and beyond this, but you really should have communicated what exactly you were looking for in a BM when you asked them.  I don't fault you for wanting (some of) what you want, but it was your responsibility to make sure you were picking people who shared your expectations.

    2. You have no right to expect that budgeting for your wedding should be anyone's top priority, or even a priority at all.  Even if a BM wins the lottery, she still has the right to tell you she wants that money to go to something else other than your bachelorette party or pre-wedding pampering.  It doesn't matter if you are absolutely sure that your bridesmaids COULD afford the things you are asking of them (which, as someone else pointed out, is a really hard thing to be sure about), they get to decide how they want to spend their money, even their "extra" money.  Also just have to throw in a little "duh" that someone who is actively planning their own wedding will probably want to save for that rather than spend money on extras for yours :P.  

    3. This is really the point that motivated me to comment in general because I feel very strongly about it- you have NO RIGHT to insist one of your BMs gets professional make-up, much less insist she pays for it herself.  Some women do not feel comfortable wearing make-up.  Some women believe they can do their own make-up better than a professional.  Some women simply do not have the money for professional make-up services.  I would be SO INSULTED if I was your friend and you told me I "needed" make-up to be pretty enough for your wedding... as if my ugliness or plainness would stand out among the other maids.  It is her face and you have no jurisdiction over that.  If you so desire, kindly offer to pay for her to get her make-up done, but know that if she doesn't want to accept your offer for WHATEVER REASON that is completely her right.  If you have indicated to her in any way that this is a "requirement" or expectation on your part, APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY and tell her she is beautiful just as she is!

    Good luck with all this- I know you aren't trying to be a bridezilla and I trust you really are a good person who is hurting that your friends aren't prioritizing your wedding the way you thought they would.  Just consider the responses on this thread as a warning that you are beginning to veer into "bratty" territory and back off.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Cindy9714 said:
    Ugh, so I am having a REALLY difficult time with the MAJORITY of my bridal party. The friends (not family) who I picked I thought would be excited for me and willing to help no matter what I needed. And I would do the same for them if thier wedding was 5 weeks away. I've been engaged 2 years and most of my bridal party is acting like I just sprung all this stuff on them...examples: I wanted to get dresses done in February, 2 TOLD ME no because THEY wanted to loose weight first. Then my MOH tells me she plans on having weight loss surgery 6 weeks before the wedding That's actually weird. I'll give you that it would have been seriously poor timing. ....actually just found out yesterday that she decided to schedule it for 3 days after the wedding (how nice of her to do that, after 5 months of me stressing about it.) This same MOH has been soooo cheap!uh-huh. Every time the bachlorette party is brought up she makes a point to remind me that she put down the $200 deposit and she's going to need that back.Okay, yeah, that's weird. Don't plan a party if you can't afford it. Wtf. ..who does that...my friends I guess. Another's dress came in, in June and just picked it up last week....from my mother's house. She had to go pick it up because the store was saying they we're going to send it back if it wasn't picked up. Months later and after multiple pleads to go and make sure her dress fit. She did. The same BM tried getting out of my bridal shower with the excuse of not being able to get time off from her part time job.This is a seriously legit thing. Part-time jobs give zero shits about parties when they need a shift covered. I emailed her saying how much I'd appreciate her being there...within an hour she said..."ok, I worked it out" ~ why did I have to asked her to be there? ! Probably because she has to make money to afford to be in your shindig? And this particular BM just sent the MOH a text saying she isn't attending the Bachlorette party because money is tight, but every time I see her she can't stop talking about her wedding (next year)Why is that a problem? Do you REALLY expect her to prioritize money for your wedding over her own? Seriously? Would you?  A different BM found out she was pregnant in Jan (my wedding is in sept) she was able to attend the bridal shower but won't be able to come to the Bachlorette party ~ this I have a bit more sympathy for.Just a bit? She can't drink and she's probably hormonal and tired and saving for a baby. Yeesh.  Her husband is awful but that for another board: ) Also, this one says she doesn't plan on getting her makeup done....what!What's the problem? It's her face. No, she will not be the only one walking down the aisle with no makeup on. So?  Anyway, it's been one problem after another with all three friends who are in the wedding. My family is fine. I'm just dumbfounded that these grown women are acting like this.Like they have lives outside of you?  I've been quiet and letting most things go. I actually haven't asked them to do ANYTHING extra just the things a bridal party is supposed to do.Yes you have. Parties aren't mandatory, honey. Not one of them has helped with a single thing.Why should they? You're the one getting married, it's your event, you plan it. You're an adult and unless one of them is your FI, they don't have any responsibilities toward that shit.  Nor have I asked them to.Then why are you complaining?  My sister, cousin and my mother planned the entire bridal shower. So? Even asking the others for a little help they decline.Which they're allowed to do. You just said most of them have other things they need to conserve the small amount of money they have for.  Like I said I'm just baffled at their behavior and almost every part of me wants to ask them not to participate. But my conscious won't let me.Well thank God for that.  They already have thier dresses....altered I'm not sure. Has anyone this problem before? How did you handle it? Are you friends with your bridal party? What would you do if in my situation? Take a damn chill pill and realize you're getting Bridal Brain? Are my expectations to high?Yes Although I don't feel like I'm asking very much at all...these are all things I have and would do if they were to be married.Good for you. It's not tit for tat. I was in the pregnant BM wedding 3 years ago...and I did what I was told.That was your decision.  I'm just afraid I'm going to resent them during and after the wedding. Now I need to be fake and act like everything is ok, just to be able to enjoy myself.....I hold grudges. Not one of my best qualities but it's a fact. Thoughts???
    You and your wedding party are made for each other.
    sarahufl
  • lc07 said:
    mysticl said:
    If your one bridesmaid found out she was pregnant in January that means her due date is coming up.  And you have a "bit" of sympathy for her not attending your bachelorette party? Attending a party could be very difficult for her.  Depending on when in September your wedding is and when she delivers and how the birth goes there is a chance she may not make the wedding.  
    DUH. OP was already engaged by January. Dibsies! Friend should NOT have been trying to get pregnant. And if she accidentally got pregnant, well she's a shitty friend for not taking better precautions.

    I'm confused are you saying bm shouldn't have gotten pregnant? Wow... I have two on fertility meds trying I could give two shits about how it affects my wedding I'm their friend there fore supportive of them my wedding shouldn't dictate someone's life planning..geez
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    lc07 said:
    mysticl said:
    If your one bridesmaid found out she was pregnant in January that means her due date is coming up.  And you have a "bit" of sympathy for her not attending your bachelorette party? Attending a party could be very difficult for her.  Depending on when in September your wedding is and when she delivers and how the birth goes there is a chance she may not make the wedding.  
    DUH. OP was already engaged by January. Dibsies! Friend should NOT have been trying to get pregnant. And if she accidentally got pregnant, well she's a shitty friend for not taking better precautions.

    I'm confused are you saying bm shouldn't have gotten pregnant? Wow... I have two on fertility meds trying I could give two shits about how it affects my wedding I'm their friend there fore supportive of them my wedding shouldn't dictate someone's life planning..geez
    @Racheldh83 - I was being sarcastic.
    [Deleted User]
  • Good. That's why I said I was confused thanks for clarifying
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @racheldh83 Don't worry - the regs would never let me get away with saying that shit. Welcome, though. You'll fit in quite nicely around here. I'm glad you were ready to tell me that I was being an asshole if I was for real. :) 
    AddieCake[Deleted User]OliveOilsMomsouthernbelle0915
  • I really don't understand why people keep saying the BM'S only have to buy a dress and show up wtf! How is that any different than just being a guest at the wedding? I'm having a few of the same issues with my BP even the pregnant situation. But the fiancé and I recently moved 1000 miles away so I'm just saying fuck it all. A few of them are way more dramatic than I'd ever want to be so a few of them will be doing just that, showing up in a dress. However I appreciate the others so much more for actually being excited and helping without me asking. Look past the wedding. When I look at photos I'm just gonna rethink on the day I married my best friend I'm not gonna think about their drama.
  • I really don't understand why people keep saying the BM'S only have to buy a dress and show up wtf! How is that any different than just being a guest at the wedding? I'm having a few of the same issues with my BP even the pregnant situation. But the fiancé and I recently moved 1000 miles away so I'm just saying fuck it all. A few of them are way more dramatic than I'd ever want to be so a few of them will be doing just that, showing up in a dress. However I appreciate the others so much more for actually being excited and helping without me asking. Look past the wedding. When I look at photos I'm just gonna rethink on the day I married my best friend I'm not gonna think about their drama.
    See what I bolded? That's the key phrase. If BMs offer to help their brides, fan-damn-tastic, but brides should never expect their BMs to help. That's what everybody means when they say a BM's only duty is to show up for the wedding in the BM dress. It isn't their duty to help stuff envelopes or tie ribbons on bubble wands or clean up after the reception. Again, if they offer, hot diggity dog, but there is absolutely no way should they ever be expected to do those things.
    OliveOilsMom[Deleted User][Deleted User]
  • I'm not saying they are meant to be slaves but when they are completely disengaged it makes it extremely difficult to see them as a member of the bridal party. If they don't want to be a part of it they shouldn't be in the wedding.
  • Well that's not how I phrased it what I said was I've had similar issues as what she described as well as the pregnant one. Don't try to quote me as saying oh my bridesmaid is pregnant and how dare she because that's not at all what I said and not at all how I delt with said bridesmaid
  • Also you live 10 hrs away from yours when they live literally 10 minutes away it's not the same. However everyone is entitled to their own opinion good luck with your wedding
  • mrscomposermrscomposer Mani-snow-ba member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Well that's not how I phrased it what I said was I've had similar issues as what she described as well as the pregnant one. Don't try to quote me as saying oh my bridesmaid is pregnant and how dare she because that's not at all what I said and not at all how I delt with said bridesmaid

    Right, sorry - what you said was "I'm having a few of the same issues with my BP even the pregnant situation" - which I took to mean that you included 'the pregnant situation' in with the other 'issues' you were having.  I apologize if my reading comprehension was less than adequate.  I also find it a little funny that you 'dealt with said bridesmaid' referencing it like it was a problem.

    Anyway.  Even if my bridesmaids were ten minutes away instead of ten hours, the only time I'd actually accept their help on MY DIY projects for MY wedding was if they showed up at my house and took the glue runner out of my hand.  But I'm a bit of a control freak like that, I guess.  They have their own lives with their own things to do.

    And thank you for the good wishes.  I'm really looking forward to my wedding.

    **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Also you live 10 hrs away from yours when they live literally 10 minutes away it's not the same. However everyone is entitled to their own opinion good luck with your wedding
    Nope, that doesn't make any difference at all in terms of  what they're required to do.



  • I really don't understand why people keep saying the BM'S only have to buy a dress and show up wtf! How is that any different than just being a guest at the wedding? I'm having a few of the same issues with my BP even the pregnant situation. But the fiancé and I recently moved 1000 miles away so I'm just saying fuck it all. A few of them are way more dramatic than I'd ever want to be so a few of them will be doing just that, showing up in a dress. However I appreciate the others so much more for actually being excited and helping without me asking. Look past the wedding. When I look at photos I'm just gonna rethink on the day I married my best friend I'm not gonna think about their drama.
    You know asking someone to be in your wedding party is to honor them, right?

    What about being unpaid indentured servants is honoring them? If anything, given they are your wedding party, you should be going out of YOUR way to thank them.
  • I'm not saying they are meant to be slaves but when they are completely disengaged it makes it extremely difficult to see them as a member of the bridal party. If they don't want to be a part of it they shouldn't be in the wedding.
    What do you mean, disengaged?? They are standing up with you, aren't they? Please realize your attendants are guests too.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    lc07 said:
    lc07 said:
    mysticl said:
    If your one bridesmaid found out she was pregnant in January that means her due date is coming up.  And you have a "bit" of sympathy for her not attending your bachelorette party? Attending a party could be very difficult for her.  Depending on when in September your wedding is and when she delivers and how the birth goes there is a chance she may not make the wedding.  
    DUH. OP was already engaged by January. Dibsies! Friend should NOT have been trying to get pregnant. And if she accidentally got pregnant, well she's a shitty friend for not taking better precautions.

    I'm confused are you saying bm shouldn't have gotten pregnant? Wow... I have two on fertility meds trying I could give two shits about how it affects my wedding I'm their friend there fore supportive of them my wedding shouldn't dictate someone's life planning..geez
    @Racheldh83 - I was being sarcastic.
    Sadly, there are some BM that really are that callous.  After her second miscarriage, a "friend" actually told my daughter that it was probably for the best (as it related to friends wedding), and perhaps she could wait until after her wedding before trying again. 
  • I really don't understand why people keep saying the BM'S only have to buy a dress and show up wtf! How is that any different than just being a guest at the wedding? I'm having a few of the same issues with my BP even the pregnant situation. But the fiancé and I recently moved 1000 miles away so I'm just saying fuck it all. A few of them are way more dramatic than I'd ever want to be so a few of them will be doing just that, showing up in a dress. However I appreciate the others so much more for actually being excited and helping without me asking. Look past the wedding. When I look at photos I'm just gonna rethink on the day I married my best friend I'm not gonna think about their drama.

    Because that's all they have to do: show up in the right dress, relatively sober, and with a smile on their face. Being in the wedding party is an honor, not a "will work for free" sign.

    If they offer to help, awesome! But it is not "part of the job".
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • I'm not saying they are meant to be slaves but when they are completely disengaged it makes it extremely difficult to see them as a member of the bridal party. If they don't want to be a part of it they shouldn't be in the wedding.
    I think what you're getting at is something I addressed in my response to OP- you are definitely not alone in wanting your bridesmaids to play a bigger role in your wedding than simply showing up and wearing the right dress.  And on the other side of things, many bridesmaids actually want to be more involved than that too!  The key is making sure what you want matches up with what your bridesmaids want at the time you ask them, because if it doesn't one party or the other is going to end up hurt and/or annoyed.  If the bride doesn't express any additional desires prior to asking her bridesmaids to be a part of her wedding party, it's perfectly acceptable for the bridesmaids to assume that all they need to do is the universally accepted "bare minimum"- stand up next to you at the wedding.  It's the bride's job to communicate upfront if she has any additional expectations, and of course the bridesmaid who does not feel up to meeting those expectations may choose to decline the responsibility.

    I really like how one of the PP's put it: your wedding party are your guests of honor, so treat them as such! 
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