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Future In-laws Seem Un-interested...

2

Re: Future In-laws Seem Un-interested...

  • 1) No one is obligated to pay for anything for you. If they do, be grateful for their gifts. If they don't, be grateful for their company. You say they should chip in to make "their only son's wedding a memorable experience". So getting married is only memorable if other people contribute money to buy a bunch of material things and experiences? Priorities...

    2) If your FFIL is officiating, that's saving you a bundle right there. Our officiant was something like $500 or so. Consider that "memorable" and a "gift". 

    3) If you don't have a rehearsal, you don't need to host an RD. You only really need a rehearsal if you have a complicated ceremony. People know how to walk and stand. 
    Originally that was the reasoning behind letting him do it, because neither one of us are members or a church, and since we are doing an outdoor event we figured that would be best. But now that we know we have options, (people who have volunteered to get ordained) is why I'm wondering if his father would be best. Like I've already stated in a previous comment, after hearing what people have to say, if we have the RD discussion with them, I'm going to let my FI do all the talking, as they are his parents and he would love for them to be involved by more than just performing the ceremony. 
    LOL, and as far as not needing a rehearsal, as a former theatre stage manager, and having specific music, as well as small children involved, I think we will need one to get the timing right.  
  • Careful about having someone get ordained online to perform the wedding. This can get tricky. We were originally going to have my cousin get ordained but then we found out that not all states will legally recognize the marriage. Usually this won't become a major issue, unless it comes down to a spouse needing benefits, support, etc in which case it can be argued that the marriage was never really legal. Do your research to make sure you're covered! 
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    cammy923[Deleted User]
  • Your parents were (kind of) correct in saying that the parents of the groom pay for the rehearsal dinner because back when they got married, that's how it went. Those traditions are gone, though. You'll learn a ton of stuff like this by reading these boards. I know I have! You could always have your FI ask his parents if they WANT to host the RD (let him deal with his own parents so you don't get into a sticky situation with the FILs) and if they express that they do not care to host anything, then fine. No big deal. I don't think it's wrong to just find out, but it has to be approached in the right way so that they don't feel like you're demanding anything of them.





    Lol, when my parents got married, (actually mom and step dad) it was my moms second marriage, and they paid for everything except the RD, which my step dads father paid for. But I agree, it wouldn't hurt to ask, as long as it's approached the right way. 
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Your parents were (kind of) correct in saying that the parents of the groom pay for the rehearsal dinner because back when they got married, that's how it went. Those traditions are gone, though. You'll learn a ton of stuff like this by reading these boards. I know I have! You could always have your FI ask his parents if they WANT to host the RD (let him deal with his own parents so you don't get into a sticky situation with the FILs) and if they express that they do not care to host anything, then fine. No big deal. I don't think it's wrong to just find out, but it has to be approached in the right way so that they don't feel like you're demanding anything of them.
    I wouldn't do this. If the FILs want to host an RD, they will offer. I don't think there is a way to ask this that doesn't sound like you're asking them for $$.
    southernbelle0915
  • Why does someone who doesn't believe in marriage want to officiate your ceremony?

    Hahaha, girl, lord only knows... Both of my FIL's were married before, and were cheated on by their 1st SO, so maybe that's why they don't believe in it anymore? I don't really get into the details about it with them. He's performed other ceremonies before for close friends of his and had no problem with it. Sometimes I get the impression that it's really my FMIL that isn't too keen on the marriage thing, not so much my FFIL.




    Your parents were (kind of) correct in saying that the parents of the groom pay for the rehearsal dinner because back when they got married, that's how it went. Those traditions are gone, though. You'll learn a ton of stuff like this by reading these boards. I know I have! You could always have your FI ask his parents if they WANT to host the RD (let him deal with his own parents so you don't get into a sticky situation with the FILs) and if they express that they do not care to host anything, then fine. No big deal. I don't think it's wrong to just find out, but it has to be approached in the right way so that they don't feel like you're demanding anything of them.
    I wouldn't do this. If the FILs want to host an RD, they will offer. I don't think there is a way to ask this that doesn't sound like you're asking them for $$.



    I've talked to some friends of mine yesterday who have recently gone through this, they suggested that the next time wedding stuff comes up at all, to just casually mention "Hey, we were thinking of doing this '______' for the RD. What do yall think about that? Do yall have any ideas that we may not have thought of?" That way it opens the door for them to suggest ideas (without asking for a money), or to offer to help out with it if they choose to do so. IDK, at this point, like I've said before, if they want to help out, cool, if not... that's their choice. We can't force them to do anything they don't want to.

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Seriously, if your FILs want to help you out with the RD or any other part of the wedding financially they will tell you.  Just leave it be.

    holyguacamole79grumbledore
  • I think tradition for brides parents to pay or anyone else to pay is wrong. You decided you want to get married... Your wedding you pay! Im not taking my parents retirement fund for my day!   
    [Deleted User]mrsbrueske3
  • I think tradition for brides parents to pay or anyone else to pay is wrong. You decided you want to get married... Your wedding you pay! Im not taking my parents retirement fund for my day!   



    Lol, well my parents are far from retirement, so that's not an issue/worry. And I didn't ask them to pay for the entire wedding, I asked that as a wedding gift they help me with the cost of my dress (kept at a reasonable budget), and they offered to pay for all big ticket items (dress, food, cake). And offered to host it at their house in the country to help offset costs of renting a venue. I'm still paying for a lot of stuff myself.

  • edited August 2014

    I think tradition for brides parents to pay or anyone else to pay is wrong. You decided you want to get married... Your wedding you pay! Im not taking my parents retirement fund for my day!   

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    cammy923 said:

    Lol, well my parents are far from retirement, so that's not an issue/worry. And I didn't ask them to pay for the entire wedding, I asked that as a wedding gift they help me with the cost of my dress (kept at a reasonable budget), and they offered to pay for all big ticket items (dress, food, cake). And offered to host it at their house in the country to help offset costs of renting a venue. I'm still paying for a lot of stuff myself. 



    *****************TK BOX FAIL*******************************

    If you asked them to pay for your dress, they didn't offer. It's inappropriate to ask for this "in lieu of a gift". It's presumptuous that they would buy you a several hundred (or thousand) dollar gift. Plus, it's just wrong to ask for presents anyway...

    For lurkers - it's completely inappropriate to ask anyone to pay for any part of your wedding. You want to get married, you fund the party (and attire) you want. If someone says "I'd love to pay for XYZ" without any prompting... great! If they don't, you're on your own.

    ETF Boxes
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    holyguacamole79mrsbrueske3grumbledoremcmahontobe121
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    cammy923 said:
    I think tradition for brides parents to pay or anyone else to pay is wrong. You decided you want to get married... Your wedding you pay! Im not taking my parents retirement fund for my day!   



    Lol, well my parents are far from retirement, so that's not an issue/worry. And I didn't ask them to pay for the entire wedding, I asked that as a wedding gift they help me with the cost of my dress (kept at a reasonable budget), and they offered to pay for all big ticket items (dress, food, cake). And offered to host it at their house in the country to help offset costs of renting a venue. I'm still paying for a lot of stuff myself.

    You need to learn to stop asking people to fund things for you.

    [Deleted User]mrsbrueske3grumbledore
  • Wow, you ladies take things too seriously. You are all acting as if I committed some sort of giant crime by asking for that as my gift from my parents. I did not ask them to pay for the entire dress, or any other part of my wedding. They could have said "No", but they didn't.  And as far as asking people to fund things for me? My parents have always told me that I could come to them for anything. I never take advantage of that. Every time I have ever needed financial help, I have taken care of it myself. I put myself through school without any of their help. I'm sorry that I have so greatly offended you ladies, if I could find a way to close or remove the post, I would. 

    Thank you to everyone that actually gave advice without just jumping to the conclusion that I'm spoiled or don't care about my family. That's far from the truth. This post has gone way off the rails that it originally started at, and it's ridiculous. 
  • cammy923 said:
    Wow, you ladies take things too seriously. You are all acting as if I committed some sort of giant crime by asking for that as my gift from my parents. I did not ask them to pay for the entire dress, or any other part of my wedding. They could have said "No", but they didn't.  And as far as asking people to fund things for me? My parents have always told me that I could come to them for anything. I never take advantage of that. Every time I have ever needed financial help, I have taken care of it myself. I put myself through school without any of their help. I'm sorry that I have so greatly offended you ladies, if I could find a way to close or remove the post, I would. 

    Thank you to everyone that actually gave advice without just jumping to the conclusion that I'm spoiled or don't care about my family. That's far from the truth. This post has gone way off the rails that it originally started at, and it's ridiculous. 
    Except you presumed they would give you an expensive gift and asked them to pay for your dress. 

    Look, it's not the end of the world. It happened and it's over. It's against etiquette to ask for other people to pay for your wedding, but obviously you didn't know. The sky didn't fall and we're all still here. 

    A bunch of people lurk on this website to get a feel for what's ok and what's not, so it's just good for them to know not to make the same mistake. 
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    mrsbrueske3allisoneliz
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    cammy923 said:
    Wow, you ladies take things too seriously. You are all acting as if I committed some sort of giant crime by asking for that as my gift from my parents. I did not ask them to pay for the entire dress, or any other part of my wedding. They could have said "No", but they didn't.  And as far as asking people to fund things for me? My parents have always told me that I could come to them for anything. I never take advantage of that. Every time I have ever needed financial help, I have taken care of it myself. I put myself through school without any of their help. I'm sorry that I have so greatly offended you ladies, if I could find a way to close or remove the post, I would. 

    Thank you to everyone that actually gave advice without just jumping to the conclusion that I'm spoiled or don't care about my family. That's far from the truth. This post has gone way off the rails that it originally started at, and it's ridiculous. 
    What don't you get about the fact that it is rude to ask for something, especially something expensive if you are not first approached?  Now if your parents asked what they could get you as a wedding gift and you said that you would love it if they could help buy your wedding dress, that would be fine.  But you don't just ask them to help buy your wedding dress and then try to make it seem like doing so isn't rude or entitled by saying it could be their wedding gift to you because gifts should never be expected from anyone.  Of course they didn't say no because at that point they were put on the spot and probably didn't want to hurt your feelings.

    mrsbrueske3grumbledoremrstrevor3
  • They did come to me first, I thought I had stated that, but after reading the post again, I realize I didn't, and I apologize for not being more clear with that statement. 

    That being said, again, thank you everyone for contributing. I will take your advice and etiquette lessons to heart, and I have now learned from the experience. Still in the beginning stages of planning, and have a long road ahead of me. Won't be going to anyone for any help (financial or other) unless it's offered. Hope you ladies who are still waiting for the big day, have a beautiful and memorable one with a lifetime of happiness. As well as the ladies who have already been enjoying married life. :)
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    cammy923 said:
    They did come to me first, I thought I had stated that, but after reading the post again, I realize I didn't, and I apologize for not being more clear with that statement. 

    That being said, again, thank you everyone for contributing. I will take your advice and etiquette lessons to heart, and I have now learned from the experience. Still in the beginning stages of planning, and have a long road ahead of me. Won't be going to anyone for any help (financial or other) unless it's offered. Hope you ladies who are still waiting for the big day, have a beautiful and memorable one with a lifetime of happiness. As well as the ladies who have already been enjoying married life. :)
    Stick around!  We're glad to help!
    cammy923southernbelle0915theartistformerlyknownaswandajune6
  • Cammy I totally get how you feel I am in a very similar situation, my FIL have yet to congratulate us on the wedding let alone offer advice, opinions or financial help. It really bothered me at first but then I said whatever if they want to help they can if they don't then they are missing out on a really big time for their son.

    My fiancé and I are paying for our rehearsal dinner, my FIL are invited and if they offer anything great, but I am not expecting anything. I think my view changed when I realized how these people will be part of the rest of my life and it is important to me that they are part of our future children's lives so getting bitter about something so petty will just make life harder for me.


    As for all the comments about how you 'asked' your parents to fund the big stuff, I have no problems with that. We all have different families with different backgrounds and different expectations. For me I never asked my parents for anything but my dad approached me with a budget and said as long as I stay within it I can have whatever I want. I am well aware a lot of people do not have this option, so if anything just enjoy your time planning, appreciate everything your parents have given you and don't let other peoples opinions bother you.

    cammy923
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    emz101 said:

    Cammy I totally get how you feel I am in a very similar situation, my FIL have yet to congratulate us on the wedding let alone offer advice, opinions or financial help. It really bothered me at first but then I said whatever if they want to help they can if they don't then they are missing out on a really big time for their son.

    My fiancé and I are paying for our rehearsal dinner, my FIL are invited and if they offer anything great, but I am not expecting anything. I think my view changed when I realized how these people will be part of the rest of my life and it is important to me that they are part of our future children's lives so getting bitter about something so petty will just make life harder for me.


    As for all the comments about how you 'asked' your parents to fund the big stuff, I have no problems with that. We all have different families with different backgrounds and different expectations. For me I never asked my parents for anything but my dad approached me with a budget and said as long as I stay within it I can have whatever I want. I am well aware a lot of people do not have this option, so if anything just enjoy your time planning, appreciate everything your parents have given you and don't let other peoples opinions bother you.


    "Don't let other people's opinions bother you." @emz101, the OP asked for ANY advice. She posted on a public forum to seek out opinions. I'm sure she expected to read a variety of suggestions. If you are going to post on a forum, you need to be prepared to dismiss/ ignore some, and embrace others.
    grumbledorehellohkb
  • @mobkaz thank you I am aware of that, however I am also aware that behind all these posts are real people with real feelings and that sometimes responses are not always the most supportive. Even though it is a public forum and everyone has a right to their opinions, sometimes these opinions can cause negative feelings in the poster. I am strictly trying to be supportive of other peoples questions. You have your opinions and I have mine.
    cammy923mrsbrueske3ll6747
  • geminimama16geminimama16 member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2014
    I second the comment about you having very generous parents. I doubt my parents, nor FILs, will contribute financially to our wedding. However nice that would be, I don't expect them to either. 

    I do have one question, though that's really just my own curiosity coming out.. If your FILs are uninterested in the sacrament of marriage, then why does FFIL want to officiate? It just seems odd to me that they would be so nonchalant about marriage as a whole and yet be contributing such an integral part in the ceremony. Feel free not to answer since it really has nothing to do with this post but I'm intrigued. Best wishes on your wedding! I'm sure you will come to a plan for the RD that is both financially appropriate as well as fun :)
  • edited September 2014
    You don't. You either pay for it yourself or you don't have one. They might offer and they might not. They are not obligated to pay for anything. Is there son still living at home? Is he unemployed?

    Your parents offered that's on them. No one forced them or twisted their arm. They did NOT have to contribute or pay for your wedding - therefore your FIL don't have to offer. Many couples pay for their own wedding these days and those rules are so archaic. 

  • geminimama16 They were both previously married and got burned bad by the experience. But apparently he loves marrying other couples. I have let FFIL know that if he at all decides he doesn't want to officiate, that he doesn't have to. Thank you for the well wishes! I've run some ideas by the FI about what we could do, or if he had any ideas, so it's a work in progress right now. lol

    Knottie45547263 No, he isn't living at home and isn't unemployed. We live together and are currently looking into purchasing our first home now that I'm finished with school. 

  • Well to back you up here girlie, my FH has asked his Mother to help us. My Mother has passed on and my Father is more living very poorly. My FMIL (FFIL has passed on as well) has not turned us down so to say but didn't jump at the subject either. FH is going to have a more serious convo with her once we have the venue and date solid. Which should be within the next few weeks. I'm not too overly concerned but I'm with you in a way. I have a FSIL whom vows to NEVER marry and she's 40 now and so (in a chuckling voice) lets use her wedding funds for ours... Haha I was upset at first and my FH was not thrilled that she hasn't offered ( underlining note: she has PLENTY of extra cashola). But hey, it is what it is and I won't let this ruin our amazing day!!!!! Plan B.... Right?!?! :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker}
    cammy923
  • KahlylaKahlyla Moncton, NB member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Lewis345 said:
    Well to back you up here girlie, my FH has asked his Mother to help us. My Mother has passed on and my Father is more living very poorly. My FMIL (FFIL has passed on as well) has not turned us down so to say but didn't jump at the subject either. FH is going to have a more serious convo with her once we have the venue and date solid. Which should be within the next few weeks. I'm not too overly concerned but I'm with you in a way. I have a FSIL whom vows to NEVER marry and she's 40 now and so (in a chuckling voice) lets use her wedding funds for ours... Haha I was upset at first and my FH was not thrilled that she hasn't offered ( underlining note: she has PLENTY of extra cashola). But hey, it is what it is and I won't let this ruin our amazing day!!!!! Plan B.... Right?!?! :)
    Oh sweet merciful crap.
    image
    KatieinBklnhellohkbShesSoCold
  • I am in a similar situation...my parents are paying for the wedding. I am paying for some small decor items that I want. My fiance's parents will be paying for the rehearsal dinner, as that is tradition. Have you fiance bring it up with his parents rather than you! Your fiance should always run interference when it comes to his family and vice-versa.
  • cammy923 said:
    So, if by going the route of not asking them to help out in any way, would it be acceptable for me to still have a RD and my FI and I pay for us, our parents, and the wedding party, but have anyone else who shows up or would like to be there (out of town family) pay for themselves?
    Honestly, that's probably going to be your easiest option -- if you and FI are able to handle this on your own, I highly recommend it, not even for reasons of etiquette (I am so not an expert on that) but just to make your life easier. 

    My parents are paying for my dress and a decent chunk of the other costs, at their insistence. We expected to have to scrape the barrel for RD ourselves because FI's family just doesn't have the finances to contribute, but they are very traditional and without us even mentioning RD they found a way to put together a small budget. And we are so, so grateful for that money, because I don't know where it would have come from. Except that now, we've found ourselves in this position where my parents are on my back to host all of those out of town families on my side, the budget FI's family can manage won't support that, my parents want to supplement the RD budget but that would so so offend FI's family's pride because they are working so hard to do this nice gesture for us, and it is all a huge depressing mess because instead of making our own executive decisions we of course need to defer to FI's family which results in my family accusing me of caring more about FI's family than my own. 

    Long story short, if you and FI can pay for it, you will be saving yourselves a lot of trouble, especially if you're going to need/want to be making those hard decisions about who should be at the dinner and what kind of dinner it will be (FI's family really isn't going to be happy with crappy pizza place. My parents insist on such, but have no right to insist on what they're not paying for. And etc.) 

    Also, I have no idea what kind of wedding you are having, but think carefully about who will be involved in your ceremony. Particularly if it's a religious ceremony, there may be people like readers, ushers, people who bring offerings to the altar, etc. -- whatever your traditions are -- who are not technically in the wedding party but must still be included in the rehearsal and thus the RD. Just a tip, something that FI and I almost lost track of in the midst of all the other RD drama :-) 
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am in a similar situation...my parents are paying for the wedding. I am paying for some small decor items that I want. My fiance's parents will be paying for the rehearsal dinner, as that is tradition. Have you fiance bring it up with his parents rather than you! Your fiance should always run interference when it comes to his family and vice-versa.
    I am genuinely baffled by this! On what planet is it OK for a fully functioning adult to beg another adult for money for a party?!

    If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for it yourself. If others want to contribute, that is great and they will let you know, but certainly don't corner them like a beggar! 
    hellohkbsouthernbelle0915
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Lewis345 said:
    Well to back you up here girlie, my FH has asked his Mother to help us. My Mother has passed on and my Father is more living very poorly. My FMIL (FFIL has passed on as well) has not turned us down so to say but didn't jump at the subject either. FH is going to have a more serious convo with her once we have the venue and date solid. Which should be within the next few weeks. I'm not too overly concerned but I'm with you in a way. I have a FSIL whom vows to NEVER marry and she's 40 now and so (in a chuckling voice) lets use her wedding funds for ours... Haha I was upset at first and my FH was not thrilled that she hasn't offered ( underlining note: she has PLENTY of extra cashola). But hey, it is what it is and I won't let this ruin our amazing day!!!!! Plan B.... Right?!?! :)
    If your FMIL doesn't want to give you money for your wedding then pay for it your fucking selves!  You both are grown ups right?  Then start acting like it.

    [Deleted User]
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