Moms and Maids

not good enough for fiances mom

I have this huge problem with my future mother in law. My fiance and I are paying for everything but everything I want I just "can't do" because "it's not right" then my fiance switches from loving our ideas we came up with together to well we need to do it right and her way.
She wants to turn my rustic outdoor wedding into a High class thing we can't afford at all.
We say its over our budget she says sorry save more in the next year. But we can't do that and pay our bills. I'm going to end up hating my wedding and paying way to much possibly loosing my house in the process. And a week ago she tells me my fiance.needs to just quit his job because its stressful and he will have a stroke. He's healthy ans 32. We work at the same place how.would we ever afford the expensive high class stuff she wants then?? What's wrong with her. I haven't gotten to choose one thing yet. Theme and colors fiance chose. And he agrees with her invitations food and not having music. When music is most important to me. Wedding from hell help.
Why do I need to tell her every detail she isn't paying and it isn't her wedding she only wants to know so she can say no. I would do anything not to have a wedding and elope which is what I wanted then I agreed to a 25 person super non traditional thing and she keeps adding guests. We at 200 now. And I need to order extra plates for my neighbors to take to them because they have been good neighbors and each guest needs favors totaling $23. I want to cry everyday and I have a year still of this hell. Fiance won't listen to anyone but mommy.

Re: not good enough for fiances mom

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    It sounds to me like your problem is less your FMIL than your fiance.

    If he always goes from being on the same page as you to wanting to do whatever his mother wants, you have a relationship problem, not a wedding problem.  I'd get some couples counseling or even some individual counseling if he won't go, which would be a red flag to me.  Either way, I think you need to figure out what you want to do with your relationship before you make any more wedding plans, because if your FI always pulls this no matter what you plan together, he will do this throughout your marriage. 
    lc07
  • Did I mention his mom and grams keep asking why I'm starving myself and laughing and saying you won't look like that once you have kids.
    So funny that I'm five foot tall and a size 0? I spent my whole life.from fifth grade until I was 19 as a size 8. Then I worked my ass off to loose weight the right way working out not starving myself.
    Are they jealous of me? Do I need to.gain weight to make them happy because they are big ladies?
    That's not fair I'm healthy and muscular and in good shape: ( How do i stop these.comments?
  • edited August 2014
    Problem solved I just won't get married. Thanks.
    Its probably bad i was looking to get advice that said i shouldnt do this. But its not right or i wouldbt want desperatly to not do it at all. Sorry about the typos my keyboard.is messed up
  • You have a FI problem not a FMIL problem.  It's pretty serious that he's that willing to change his mind and give in to his mother's complaints.  And it's also pretty serious that he's unwilling to consider things that are important to you, particularly if you have been clear about your priorities.

    I'd suggest you stop planning and engage in a thorough conversation with your FI about your shared goals.  Review your budget and what your resources are.  Review your goals for your wedding and your goals for your marriage.  A lot this will require talking about how you communicate now and making changes to how you communicate from now on - anyone not paying doesn't get involved in decision making.

    And you need to be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot tolerate in terms of your FMIL's involvement in your life.  Are you realistic about whether or not your FI will rely on her for decision-making in other areas?  Will he be deciding if she goes on vacation with you, shares in parenting decisions, plans your meals, determine who needs to lose weight and how?  Some of these are silly examples, but this type of involvement doesn't go away unless steps are taken to change behavior.
    image
    Anniversary


    djfivenine
  • I guess I didn't quite explain that he changes his mind after hearing four hundred times over and over again that sorry you are using these invitations not those. They aren't good enough what will guests think? They deserve the best. Basically changes after he's heard something so much you want to kill the lady.
    Its easier so he goes with it. Because she will get pissed and not talk to us if we say no. Yet its our money.
  • We've lived together for seven years. She already makes every decision in our lives. Neither of us can have kids and she gets mad at us about that when its not something you can change its a medical thing. But thanks. I think I'm happier just not getting married and I'm just going to tell everyone I'm to stressed out and just don't want to do it anymore.
  • I never wanted a wedding I just wanted to elope but mommy won't talk to us anymore if we do that. And it has to be traditional to be right ans some things just have to be right. I want to scream at them both that its my wedding and my decisions. So I think at this point I'm going to say look on done doing this I don't want to get married and it be your moms wedding like it was for your brother and your sister. They got to make zero decisions and paid themselves as well.
    Also our budget isn't good enough she knows we can come up with more and I need to convince fiance to spend more or it won't be right.
  • Thanks for the advice. I really hate that she thinks he shouldn't have to work but I should have to to support us. She's insane and he probably is like her so it all just needs to stop until I get to pick at least one thing at my wedding.
    Still wish I knew what to say to the ignorant comments when I'm trying not to cry. Maybe if I just cried.
  • My FMIL is a bit of a nightmare.  You know how we kept our wedding drama with her to a minimum?  We have been engaged almost a year, and she has been told 1) we are engaged 2) our wedding date 3) the wedding/rehearsal dinner venues.  That's it.  The most information she's ever received from us is when she received her invitation.  She asks us questions about the wedding CONSTANTLY and we just tell her "we have a plan for it, it's already been decided" etc etc etc. 

    Stop sharing details with your FMIL NOW.  Make sure you and your fiance are on that same page, and he needs to stop sharing details too.  If you allow her to insert her opinions, negativity, and judgement into our wedding planning process, you will be miserable (as you already are).  As PPs said, your marriage will be plagued with your FMIL interfering if you don't start setting boundaries now.  

    Don't allow your FMIL to tell your fiance there are better (more expensive) options, and he won't change his mind.
    eshaney
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Um, two questions...

    1) Why the hell is your FI still talking to his Mom about his wedding when he knows exactly what she is like?  Is it because he can't cut the strings?

    2) Do you really want to be with a person who will let his Mom control everything about his life and in extension everything about your life?

    You and your FI need to get on the same page, now.  And your FI needs to cut the fucking cord and be a freaking man.  I can't believe that he is happy to have his Mom control everything about his life.  It may be better if this woman just stops talking to the both of you.  I think it would be best to postpone the wedding until you and your FI can figure out how to handle his Mom and set some really strong boundaries.

    OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]
  • Thanks that does make a lot of sense. Just because she demands to be told every detail doesn't mean I should tell her because she will instantly change it. I see that from experience. All that does is hurt my feelings and annoy my mommas boy fiance into thinking that because I don't want a traditional option I must not being choosing the right thing or his mom would agree. I dont even like being around her its mostly ignorant comments about my weight my job how i spend money whatever. And shes just like that to everyone thats just who she is is what fiance tells me.
    Fiance just wants eveeyone to be happy and not have any drama but he doesnt seem to realize that his mom has put on her own wedding and two others all planned and decided by her so She doesnt need to do ours to.
    When you would say its already been taken care of decided. What did she say to that? My MIL would say well what is decided it wasn't run by me tell me now. Or well its probably going to be crap if you both have decided on something. it cant be crap what would people think?! Lol.
  • djfiveninedjfivenine member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    edited August 2014
    Well, if she insults your decision without even knowing it, I would call her on that, but do it sweetly and with a smile on your face.  "FMIL, what you just said is really rude. You don't even know our plan and you are just assuming it's bad, since you weren't a part in it.  That's really mean and uncalled for."  Being confrontational like that can be very stressful and nerve-wracking, but if you handle it correctly it will complete catch her off guard and she will most likely apologize.  And if she doesn't - then she's just showing her true colors!

    As for insisting on what the decisions are, you can (still sweetly) say "Well, since fi and I are paying for and planning the wedding, those decisions will be between us and don't need to be run by you.   We will tell you all of the information you need to know, don't worry!" And if she presses, you can say something like "Frankly, you don't need to know the bridesmaids dress colors or what flowers I'm going to have or what my dress is going to look like.  None of those things will change the fact that I will still end our wedding day being married to your son, and in my eyes, that makes our wedding perfect."  (Also, it would help if your fiance would say this to his mom first, so when she hears it from you, it's not a new message, and you are just reaffirming what she's already heard from her son).

    And something your fiance needs to realize, is that "wanting to make everyone happy" aka, wanting to make his mom happy, is coming at the cost of YOUR happiness.  That is not ok and never will be.  I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and assume that he's unaware of this (maybe you haven't talked to him about it?)  Don't placate her, because that's what she wants.  She wants to control (from your description, she sounds like a bully).  Stand your ground and be a united front with your fiance.

    ETA - if FMIL refuses to accept your answers, then tell her the conversation is over.
    Physically remove yourselves from the conversation if you have to.
  • Agreed.  The only reason I can handle my FMIL is because my fiance is100% on my side (I hate that there have to be sides, but it's our reality).  He knows that the day he starts agreeing with his mom (who has said pretty hateful things about me) is the day we break up. 


    Knottie04572181
  • Rebeccaflower neither of us can have children. Something his mom will not accept. It runs in his family being sterile and I had cervical cancer at 18. She controls our lives all the time we've lived together for seven years. She always beings it up even when it makes her son cry because he can't give her the grandkids she demands. I'm very tired of that's just how she is ignore her. Its no excuse for her to treat people.badly.
  • When he gets home from working in DC and leaving me here to deal with his mom we're gonna have a very long talk about him needing to pick me.over her or simply there's no reason to get married yet because I shouldn't have to be unhappy or fake happy to make her happy and leave us alone.
    OliveOilsMomeshaney
  • Dealing with his mom this last week has been what's pushed me over the edge. Things like showing up and saying we are going dress shopping now cancel your plans. When she knows I already have my dress. Its so fun when she stresses me out and hes away working then i tell him and im stressibg him out and a horrible person for not just ignoring her. Sometimes i wonder if she purposely tries to start fights between us.
  • When he gets home from working in DC and leaving me here to deal with his mom we're gonna have a very long talk about him needing to pick me.over her or simply there's no reason to get married yet because I shouldn't have to be unhappy or fake happy to make her happy and leave us alone.
    I'm glad you feel this way. I'm so sorry about your infertility (and that I even mentioned it) and I hope that you have peace with that. Fuck her for saying anything about it. Your fiance needs to be on your side. Period. 
  • No worries! Fiance takes it hard I just treat my weiner dog like a kid. Lol.
    She brings it up all the time. His brother could never have kids then suddenly someones pregnant. And she wanted a grandkid so bad she would not let his brother have it tested. His brother slept with the girl once but was married ten plus years with nothing..basically everyone around her just let's her act like she does and I really don't know why she's so very hard to be around.
  • Thanks for making me feel better and helping me with ideas for changing what's going on. I truly appreciate it. :)
  • Just because you love her son doesn't excuse her from being a horrible person.  It is OK to say no to her.  I mean what is she going to do, kidnap you and force you to go dress shopping? Be strong, with or without your fiance by your side.  Bullies will be bullies and you have to do everything you can do from perpetuating this cycle. 

    And I think all RebeccaFlower meant when mentioning children is that if you let this woman control your wedding, she will think she can control EVERY future decision you and your husband make - whether its with children, houses, jobs, whatever.  If you don't stop it or try to set boundaries... you're enabling her control over you and her son.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Anyway you can move across the country from this nutcase? 

    I would consider counseling with your FI over this.  While its bad that he's siding with his mom over you, the bigger issue is that FMIL won't let anything go until opinions have been changed to coinside with her opinions.  A good counselor will help your FI come up with ways to constantly deflect her.  Remember that you cannot change someone else's behavior, but you can control how you react to someone else's behavior.  Your FI just needs ways to cope with FMIL's behavior.  It would also probably be a good idea about FI speaking with a counselor about the infertility issues specifically.  If he is being brought to tears by FMIL over having children, he could use some coping techniques to deal with her.

    I think it would be wise to cancel all current wedding plans.  Don't tell FMIL about anything when you do start to plan again.  If she doesn't know when the wedding will happen, she can't argue with you about it.  Just send her the invitation when everything is planned.

    By your writings here, its obvious that you are overwhelmed.  It may be a good idea to write down the things you want to discuss with FI, so that you don't get flustered and can make all of your points to him.

    djfivenine
  • I have this huge problem with my future mother in law. My fiance and I are paying for everything but everything I want I just "can't do" because "it's not right" then my fiance switches from loving our ideas we came up with together to well we need to do it right and her way. She wants to turn my rustic outdoor wedding into a High class thing we can't afford at all. We say its over our budget she says sorry save more in the next year. But we can't do that and pay our bills. I'm going to end up hating my wedding and paying way to much possibly loosing my house in the process. And a week ago she tells me my fiance.needs to just quit his job because its stressful and he will have a stroke. He's healthy ans 32. We work at the same place how.would we ever afford the expensive high class stuff she wants then?? What's wrong with her. I haven't gotten to choose one thing yet. Theme and colors fiance chose. And he agrees with her invitations food and not having music. When music is most important to me. Wedding from hell help. Why do I need to tell her every detail she isn't paying and it isn't her wedding she only wants to know so she can say no. I would do anything not to have a wedding and elope which is what I wanted then I agreed to a 25 person super non traditional thing and she keeps adding guests. We at 200 now. And I need to order extra plates for my neighbors to take to them because they have been good neighbors and each guest needs favors totaling $23. I want to cry everyday and I have a year still of this hell. Fiance won't listen to anyone but mommy.
    Did I mention his mom and grams keep asking why I'm starving myself and laughing and saying you won't look like that once you have kids. So funny that I'm five foot tall and a size 0? I spent my whole life.from fifth grade until I was 19 as a size 8. Then I worked my ass off to loose weight the right way working out not starving myself. Are they jealous of me? Do I need to.gain weight to make them happy because they are big ladies? That's not fair I'm healthy and muscular and in good shape: ( How do i stop these.comments?
    Problem solved I just won't get married. Thanks. Its probably bad i was looking to get advice that said i shouldnt do this. But its not right or i wouldbt want desperatly to not do it at all. Sorry about the typos my keyboard.is messed up
    I guess I didn't quite explain that he changes his mind after hearing four hundred times over and over again that sorry you are using these invitations not those. They aren't good enough what will guests think? They deserve the best. Basically changes after he's heard something so much you want to kill the lady. Its easier so he goes with it. Because she will get pissed and not talk to us if we say no. Yet its our money.
    I never wanted a wedding I just wanted to elope but mommy won't talk to us anymore if we do that. And it has to be traditional to be right ans some things just have to be right. I want to scream at them both that its my wedding and my decisions. So I think at this point I'm going to say look on done doing this I don't want to get married and it be your moms wedding like it was for your brother and your sister. They got to make zero decisions and paid themselves as well. Also our budget isn't good enough she knows we can come up with more and I need to convince fiance to spend more or it won't be right.
    Thanks for the advice. I really hate that she thinks he shouldn't have to work but I should have to to support us. She's insane and he probably is like her so it all just needs to stop until I get to pick at least one thing at my wedding. Still wish I knew what to say to the ignorant comments when I'm trying not to cry. Maybe if I just cried.
    Thanks that does make a lot of sense. Just because she demands to be told every detail doesn't mean I should tell her because she will instantly change it. I see that from experience. All that does is hurt my feelings and annoy my mommas boy fiance into thinking that because I don't want a traditional option I must not being choosing the right thing or his mom would agree. I dont even like being around her its mostly ignorant comments about my weight my job how i spend money whatever. And shes just like that to everyone thats just who she is is what fiance tells me. Fiance just wants eveeyone to be happy and not have any drama but he doesnt seem to realize that his mom has put on her own wedding and two others all planned and decided by her so She doesnt need to do ours to. When you would say its already been taken care of decided. What did she say to that? My MIL would say well what is decided it wasn't run by me tell me now. Or well its probably going to be crap if you both have decided on something. it cant be crap what would people think?! Lol.
    Rebeccaflower neither of us can have children. Something his mom will not accept. It runs in his family being sterile and I had cervical cancer at 18. She controls our lives all the time we've lived together for seven years. She always beings it up even when it makes her son cry because he can't give her the grandkids she demands. I'm very tired of that's just how she is ignore her. Its no excuse for her to treat people.badly.
    JIC

    OP - You've gotten some really good advice here. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. 

    The problem, as others have mentioned, is with your FI - NOT your FMIL. She's a crazypants, obviously. But the fact that your FI doesn't stand up for you and allows his mom into your lives when you've specifically asked him not to... Most of your issues fall into those two categories. HUGE red flags. If you think it's bad when you're dating/engaged, it's going to be TERRIBLE when you're married. 

    I really think you two should seek counseling together before the wedding and get things sorted out. You're obviously not happy and you should never enter a marriage feeling the way you do right now.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Look, he's 32 and a momma's boy. You said so yourself. I hate to break it to you but he is. Not. Going. To. Change.

    Either you live with his mother making all your household decisions for you both until she dies, or you leave him. I know that's blunt and maybe it sounds harsh but are you really going to be happy married to this guy? If you (and he because this is largely his problem) let her make all the choices for your wedding, it's just going to make it that much harder to shut it down after you're married.

    Other people have said it, but it bears repeating. Red. Flags.

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    southernbelle0915[Deleted User]
  • You know what you're signing up for if you marry him and his mom. That means once you say "I do," you never get to complain about any of this ever again. Ever.
    southernbelle0915OliveOilsMom
  • I'm sorry, but if she's been controlling your lives and every decision for the last several years, what makes you think she'll lighten up at all when you're married? She won't, she'll get worse.

    If you legally bind yourself to her family, you are going to be under her thumb for the rest of your life. You are essentially marrying her.
    And frankly, your FI had seven years with you and 14 years as a legal adult to tell her to knock it off. He hasn't. Do you think he will? Do you think the man who has let that woman bulldoze over his own wedding and the woman he wanted to make his WIFE is going to suddenly turn around and go "No, mommy, stop it"? I imagine that all the stress in your words is plainly visible in your every day life with him.
    And he still picks her over you.

    Remember those marriage vows "forsaking all others"? I don't think he can do it. I don't think he really wants to either, from what you have said. So, with that, I think the least drastic thing you need to do RIGHT NOW is postpone this wedding.
    Though I truly think you need to cancel it completely.
    OliveOilsMomzitiqueendanamw
  • Bless your heart!  I'm going through a slightly similar situation, but yours sounds way more intense.  I don't agree necessarily that you are marrying FMIL although I wouldn't necessarily sign up to live within a 200 mile radius of her.  Being engaged is a time of transition for everyone no matter how long y'all have lived together.  This is the phase where boundaries need to be established and practiced.  Habits need to be broken which doesn't happen overnight, and God willing you three can figure out the boundaries that work best for y'all and get them in place before the wedding.

    I love the idea of stopping all wedding plans (as far as his mom knows).  Just say y'all are going to take a step back from planning for a bit because things are spiraling out of control and what should be a happy time is turning sour and way too stressful.

    Then, pick a new wedding date.  Pick your venue, buy your dress, pick your wedding party, your colors, everything only with your fiancé and any trusted friends who won't spill the beans to FMIL.  Get the menu set, the guest list set, the invitations ordered, etc.  Then maybe give her the invitation about 8 weeks out - maybe 2 weeks before you mail to everyone else.  That will give her the time she needs to freak out, calm down, buy a dress, and possibly attend your bridal shower (with someone who will escort her out should she come and cause a scene or be anything other than pleasant... and someone needs to be in charge of that for the wedding too).  Maybe include a small note from fiancé saying Mom, we love you and really hope you will come and have a great time celebrating our marriage with the invite.  Make a private pinterest board with your besties and fiancé.  And under no circumstances should FMIL be involved in wedding talk.  Just say we put the planning for whatever date she currently thinks y'all are getting married on hold.  It's technically not a lie... 

    You've got this!  You can do this!  Heck, elope if y'all want at this point.  Do not give this one woman (and that is all she is - she may be manipulative and VERY good at guilt trips, but she doesn't have magical powers or anything) the power over your happiness and your life.  Stand up and take your life back.  I believe in you!
  • wow after reading some of your posts all I can say is I am sorry. I could NOT deal with someone like that. Maybe it wouldn't be such a terrible thing if she decided not to talk to you anymore. It sounds like she causes more stress than anything else to your life and she's worried about his job being stressful enough to give him a stroke? You are better than me because I would've had words with that woman a long time ago. The fact that she gives you hell over not being able to give her grandchildren is absolutely terrible given she knows the situation at hand. I would cut ties myself before she has the chance. 
    Do whatever makes you happy, if it's to elope with the man you love then do it! If his mom has a problem with it, she'll have to deal with it. At least you know that you did what you thought was right. You don't wanna look back on the most important day of your lives together as a day you hated.
  • Sorry this is so long. Honestly wasn't expecting to write this much, but it hit home for me & I couldn't stop typing.

    ...wow. I'm not quite sure where to start. I think you've gotten some good advice on here & I think you've pretty much walked yourself through some of this as well which is good that you can think clearly enough with all the stress you must be under. Seriously, I want to just hug you & tell you everything will be okay tomorrow.

    I think it's wise to put the wedding off. Temporarily or for good, that will be a call you'll have to make once you & your FI have had a serious talk and possible fight if he clings to his mother as much as it seems. While people are telling you FI is the problem & not her, it's BOTH.They are two separate problems that are bound together with a pair of handcuffs.

    I had a slightly similar situation with a family member who wanted to be in control & make rude comments about almost everything. Finally I reached my point where I told her I needed to have some one-on-one time with her. I didn't want her to feel like she was being attacked by a bunch of people, but I explained how as much as I love her, her actions & words were really hurting me & my fiance. We were paying for the wedding & we had to work in our budget. We are not super traditional people & we wanted to do things that would be unique & special to us. I told her that we'd love her input & support if she has good things to say or a true worry, however this was OUR wedding & we needed to do what was right by us. I explained that I didn't want to, but if she continued I wouldn't feel comfortable including her in anything because I shouldn't be put down because my wedding wasn't a replica of hers.
    She was defensive & upset claiming that she wasn't doing anything wrong, but eventually came around & apologized. Since then she may make a small comment here or there, but for the most part she has been much more supportive. Doubtful this will work with your MIL, but it's worth a try. If it does work though & you think all of you can handle it, maybe ask her for help in a specific area if you're willing to. For example, we really want our wedding theme reflected in the invites, would you like to help us find some that would fit our taste & budget? We don't want anything super fancy

    Ignoring her doesn't seem like it will help & if you DO choose to marry FI, you need to make sure that you both have stood your ground against MIL before the wedding. A PP called her a bully & that's exactly what seems like. If she was paying for part of it, I can understand her asking to include certain people on the guest list or making some requests. Even still, you & your FI have the final say or yes or no. Simple as that. I believe you said you're paying for everything though. You agreed to a really small wedding. Assuming YOU haven't sent out save the dates or told any of her 200 something guests they are invited, pick a small venue. This will allow you to be much more critical with the guest list. Assuming your FI can't stop himself from talking to her about plans, because I honestly don't think he can, you can turn around and say "No, MIL, I can't invite your sorority sisters from college that you haven't talked to in 10 years or your 2nd cousin 6x removed that you just found out existed because we simply do not have the space for that & we really like the venue we've chosen for our wedding."

    No matter what anyone else says about the day being about the guests & the food & the venue....at the end of it all, that day was about celebrating the TWO people who have just committed their lives to the other person. Yes, you are technically marrying the other person's family - good & bad - but if you don't feel like you can depend on your fiance then why are you putting yourself through all this unhappiness?

    Trust me, I can understand feeling stressed, but you honestly sound like you're becoming miserable. Please, don't give your MIL or ANYONE that much power over you.

    On another note about one of your posts that nobody really commented on, his family picking on you for your size is just uncalled for, but with everything you've been going through, I'm not as surprised as I should be. They have no right to be making comments about how you'll look "after you have kids" while knowing where you both are on that front. Which, if you ever did have kids through another method like adoption or whatnot, I would honestly be worried about how his family will treat them. Sure, they'd be thrilled about kids, but would your kids eventually be picked at & pushed around as well? If they make a comment again, just turn around and tell them straight up that you are healthy & proud of your body. You eat right, you exercise, and you have NOTHING to be ashamed up. People talk of how fat shaming is rude, but skinny shaming is just over looked. It goes both ways. This is your body and your wedding and you should be able to be proud of both.

    Good luck, hun, I'm rooting for you no matter what choices you make. Would love to hear what happens.
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