Planned toasts - how to inquire

classyduck

I'm working through a planning worksheet with my DJ. One of the questions is who will be giving planned toasts, and how to handle unplanned toasts, etc.

1) We haven't heard anyone SAY they want to give a toast, but I guess we assume the best (wo)man will want to give one. I'm unsure who else may want to. How do we gently inquire which of our wedding party/family are planning to give a toast, without it sounding like we are trying to solicit them?

2) I don't think it will be a problem, but I don't want people to start jumping in with add-on toasts while people have to sit there and listen to a bunch of impromptu speeches. I'd like to tell my DJ not to allow unplanned toasts. Is there a tactful way to do this?

And just in general, is there anything I seem to be forgetting / not taking into consideration?

CMGragain

It is traditional for the Best Man to give a toast "to the bride and groom".  Anything else is optional, including alcohol.

rsbloom

I just asked my WP if they had wanted to say anything, that it was totally optional, but that the DJ needed to know for timing and how many mics were needed. As for impromptu toasts, your DJ should have asked you if you wanted to open up the floor for toasts. If you don't want people other than WP and family to give toasts, tell your DJ not to open up the mic. If someone asks at the wedding, your DJ will tell them no. However, you'll need to give him/her a list of people speaking and their relation in order for him to announce them, and to know who is toasting and who isn't.

classyduck

Thanks rs bloom, we are building the list now for that purpose. I think I was picturing doing this one on one, but if I send out a mass fb question to our wedding party or something, it may seem less personal and people may not feel like we are trying to "corner" them to do a toast or something. Also being frank that the DJ is asking is probably worth sharing with them... seems obvious, but thanks for pointing that out.

artbyallie

rsbloom said: I just asked my WP if they had wanted to say anything, that it was totally optional, but that the DJ needed to know for timing and how many mics were needed. As for impromptu toasts, your DJ should have asked you if you wanted to open up the floor for toasts. If you don't want people other than WP and family to give toasts, tell your DJ not to open up the mic. If someone asks at the wedding, your DJ will tell them no. However, you'll need to give him/her a list of people speaking and their relation in order for him to announce them, and to know who is toasting and who isn't.
etf: broken box
I think this is good. I feel like it's okay to ask if someone wants to, while making it clear you're not asking them to do so and it's not at all required of them.

lc07

CMGragain said:

It is traditional for the Best Man to give a toast "to the bride and groom".  Anything else is optional, including alcohol.

You're right on this count. I just wish we could make it law that alcohol is mandatory if there is an open invitation for additional toasts from any and every guest who wants to make one. Like, mandatory in the sense that those yard long drinks should have to be provided.

photokitty

Anything over 3 toasts and I'm bored. Best man/ woman, maid of honor and father of the bride tops. Give them a time limit. I'd rather be shaken down for the dollar dance than sit through open mic wedding toasts.

Sars06

I think it is difficult to ask without implying that you expect people to give a toast. I know your DJ wants to know (ours did too), but it isn't the end of the world if he doesn't have a list of people giving toasts in advance. You or the toasters can let him know a few minutes ahead of time or they can introduce themselves when they speak.

We didn't ask anyone to give a toast. We just told the DJ where in the program toasts would happen and that we would limit it to 2 or 3. Ultimately, the day of the wedding, the best man and FOG offered to speak. I think they just gave the DJ a heads up before we sat down to dinner. It worked out perfectly.

We went to a wedding recently where the best man gave a toast even though he clearly had very serious anxiety about public speaking. I am talking about: sweating profusely, gulping for air, a 30 second pause that was so long people started to clap him off. It was painful to witness. After that experience, I think toasts are best when they are given by people who truly have a burning desire to give one! To be sure, the best man at that wedding may have proactively offered to give a toast (I have no idea), but it seemed like he felt obligated. 

melbenso

DH and I asked my brother (my best man) and his best friend (his woman of honor) whether they would like to give toasts.  Both said yes.  I see no problem with each of you asking one person if they would like to give a toast - but don't have everyone do it.  It's too much and guests will get bored.

Brother's toast was sweet, funny, and short - literally about 30 seconds.  Best friend had a last minute emergency and wasn't able to make it to our wedding, so obviously no toast from her.  One of DH's other friends (wedding guest) came up and offered to make a toast in her absence, so that we both had someone speak for us.  DH declined, because we didn't want open season on toasts with a bunch of other guests coming up and saying something.  Be wary of this too.  If it were me, I'd tell the DJ that you don't want any unplanned toasts.