Brides parents asking for 20,000 from grooms parents

abbyj700

summerbride2015 said:

My FBIL told his parents that that was the plan, made by the brides parents. I guess hoping they would go along with it. He made an excel sheet with everything they want for their wedding and is worried that they will go over budget and spent 80,000.

Yeah - FBIL is now in the boat with his inlaws asking his parents for money...shame on him. My advice for you now that you've given good advice to FMIL - STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT SHOW. :-) Most likely - it won't end well - and you don't want to be near that !

Jen4948

summerbride2015 said:

The few times I've been with her in person she has been super sweet and nice so I was surprised to find out about this.

What does she have to say about her parents' demands?  If I were her I'd be terribly upset that my parents were trying to extract $20K (really, any amount) from my FILs.

melbenso

This is the second post on one set of parents asking the other for large amounts of money towards a wedding that I have seen in the past week or two.  WTF?  Is this a new trend in tacky and rude?  Will we be seeing articles on it in terrible bride magazines soon:  "How your parents should ask your FILs to pony up enough cash for the wedding of your dreams: It's how you know they really love you" 

Blech.

I completely agree with PP on how to handle it, btw.

ETA - neither my parents or DH's parents even asked how much the other was contributing to the wedding, because even asking that is rude as hell.

Jen4948

melbenso said:

This is the second post on one set of parents asking the other for large amounts of money towards a wedding that I have seen in the past week or two.  WTF?  Is this a new trend in tacky and rude?  Will we be seeing articles on it in terrible bride magazines soon:  "How your parents should ask your FILs to pony up enough cash for the wedding of your dreams: It's how you know they really love you" 

Sadly, the answer is probably yes.

summerbride2015

I don't know what the bride has to say about it because we aren't that close. My FI talked to his brother last night and tried to explain how rude it is. His brother said that his fiancés parents and family are always around when they meet with vendors and he doesn't feel he can voice his concerns in front of them...and apparently they are getting a special discount on the band so it is only $5,000 something... and yes im staying out of this mess lol

climbingsingle

This is just bananas. Holy jeeezus. Also, my uncle let it slip that my cousin's wedding (in two weeks) is costing $60,000. I'm interested to see where all this money is going.

banana468

summerbride2015 said:

I don't know what the bride has to say about it because we aren't that close. My FI talked to his brother last night and tried to explain how rude it is. His brother said that his fiancés parents and family are always around when they meet with vendors and he doesn't feel he can voice his concerns in front of them...and apparently they are getting a special discount on the band so it is only $5,000 something... and yes im staying out of this mess lol

I hate to use this phrase but that FI needs to grow a pair and at least tell his bride to be in private that what her parents are doing to his parents just isn't acceptable. 

lyndausvi

ClimbingBrideNY said:

This is just bananas. Holy jeeezus. Also, my uncle let it slip that my cousin's wedding (in two weeks) is costing $60,000. I'm interested to see where all this money is going.

I had a wedding that expensive.   Sometimes you can't really see where it's going.   We paid over $10K just in rentals.  We had to rent EVERYTHING, from tables to salt-n-pepper shakers.  Tents, linens, generators, etc.

  We didn't tell anyone how much was being spending, but if someone found out they might not "see" where the money went.   I'm sure they would just assumed plates and forks come with the caterer when they did not in our case.  Even the extension cord for the generator had to be rented.

We thought it was money well spent.  I'm sure others judge us for spending that much money.

summerbride2015

lyndausvi I wouldn't judge anyone for how much they choose to spend. I just think its strange when people tell others what they expect them to contribute.

lyndausvi

summerbride2015 said:

lyndausvi I wouldn't judge anyone for how much they choose to spend. I just think its strange when people tell others what they expect them to contribute

********SITB ***********

I was talking about Climb going to "see" where her cousin's money is going.  It's not always transparent, which often ends up becoming a judgement even if it's unintentional.   

 Sometimes it is clear where it's NOT going.  Hello, if there is a cash bar, judge all you want.    (assuming cousin's wedding is in the NYC area I would be surprised if it was cash.)  No chairs, oh hell yeah.    

As long as I'm hosted properly I do not give much thought on how much someone pays for their wedding.  I do not care if they did it on a shoe-string budget or spent a ton of money.   All I care about is being hosted properly.

This whole thing about demanding money from people is so wrong on many levels.  I don't even know how this even comes up as an option?   Please tell me who sits around planning what to do with someone else's money?   It's mind-boggling.

beethery

My dad's Step-Sister emailed my dad and his 4 siblings, informing them that by March of the following year, she would need checks made out for the amount of $5k each, for a surprise anniversary party in August for their dad and her mom. She said she would plan everything, so that no one needed to worry about it beyond offering up their help via funds, and showing up.

Upon receipt of the checks, they would then receive invitations to the event, which was a plane trip or a 10 hour drive for my dad and his brothers and sister.

You can probably guess how many checks she got.

lyndausvi

beethery said:

My dad's Step-Sister emailed my dad and his 4 siblings, informing them that by March of the following year, she would need checks made out for the amount of $5k each, for a surprise anniversary party in August for their dad and her mom. She said she would plan everything, so that no one needed to worry about it beyond offering up their help via funds, and showing up.

Upon receipt of the checks, they would then receive invitations to the event, which was a plane trip or a 10 hour drive for my dad and his brothers and sister.

You can probably guess how many checks she got.

**** SITB ****

WTF?     Oh hell no.  Why do people think this is acceptable?    

My sister a has money, we are doing pretty well. 2 brothers, not so much. Not horrible, but they just don't make as much, NDB.  

 We have thrown a few parties for our parents in our time.  It has never once occurred to us to demand money from my brothers.    My sister (super-planner as I like to call her) and myself tend to take the reins on the planning, but we keep everyone in the loop.  We will setup up planning chat sessions.  It's just how we are.   Sis and I will pay for the higher ticket items and my brothers pay for what they can. Again,  NBD.

 Our parties turn out great and we all get equal billing on who is the host.  We do not send invitation to my brothers or leave them out of the planning.  We certainly would never ask for equally amounts and then tell them to expect an invitation in the mail.  That is just crazy.

holyguacamole79

lyndausvi said:

As long as I'm hosted properly I do not give much thought on how much someone pays for their wedding.  I do not care if they did it on a shoe-string budget or spent a ton of money.   All I care about is being hosted properly.

Ditto. 

thisismynickname2

Tell FMIL and FBIL to RUN FOR THE HILLS!! and elope!

southernbelle0915

thisismynickname said:

Tell FMIL and FBIL to RUN FOR THE HILLS!! and elope!

This sounds a little Oedipal to me...

j/k I know what you mean

delujm0

ClimbingBrideNY said:

This is just bananas. Holy jeeezus. Also, my uncle let it slip that my cousin's wedding (in two weeks) is costing $60,000. I'm interested to see where all this money is going.

My wedding cost just slightly less than this.  Most of the money went to hosting the hell out of our guests.  We used a pricey in-demand caterer, because food is the most important thing in my opinion, and had top shelf liquor at the bar.  For 150 people, those things alone cost almost $20k.  Our venue was on a rooftop in a city center with a skyline view, so even though most rentals were included, the space itself was a bit pricey as well.  And we hired a full service wedding planner because we both work full time jobs and didn't want to be stressed about it.  We also hosted a Sunday Brunch the next day because 90% of our guests were from out of town, so that was a whole separate hosted event that i'm including in the $60k.

 

Depending on where you're having your wedding, you can get to $60k pretty fast.  We didn't ask for any money, but my in-laws covered the rehearsal dinner (which was basically a mini-reception because all guests were invited and it was a buffet and open bar event as well - they planned it entirely on their own) and my parents offered us $45k (condition-free).  We paid the additional $15k for the wedding and another almost $20k on the honeymoon.

 

Was it necessary?  No.  but we could afford it, and we loved it.  NEVER in a MILLION YEARS would we have planned this event and then invoiced another person for it.  that is completely bananas.  we were touched and grateful for the contributions that out parents offered us.  truthfully, without their money, we probably would have had the exact same wedding and just paid for it ourselves.

sophhabobopha

I'm sorry, I stopped reading after I saw 60,000 dollar budget. Fuckin a.

lyndausvi

sophhabobopha said:

I'm sorry, I stopped reading after I saw 60,000 dollar budget. Fuckin a.

********* SITB *********

There is nothing wrong with a $60K budget.

There is something wrong with expecting some else to help fund your plans.  I don't care if it's $6 or $60k, it's plain wrong. 

sophhabobopha

lyndausvi said:

sophhabobopha said:

I'm sorry, I stopped reading after I saw 60,000 dollar budget. Fuckin a.

********* SITB *********

There is nothing wrong with a $60K budget.

There is something wrong with expecting some else to help fund your plans.  I don't care if it's $6 or $60k, it's plain wrong. 

I totally agree, lady.

sarahufl

sophhabobopha said:

lyndausvi said:

sophhabobopha said:

I'm sorry, I stopped reading after I saw 60,000 dollar budget. Fuckin a.

********* SITB *********

There is nothing wrong with a $60K budget.

There is something wrong with expecting some else to help fund your plans.  I don't care if it's $6 or $60k, it's plain wrong. 

I totally agree, lady.

Pretty much this.

I have been to $100,000 weddings and I have been to $5,000 ones. I didn't want to spend more than we spent (roughly $22k), but I don't care how other people spend their money.