Should I pay for part of my ring?

cotton8744

Back story: My boyfriend and I just had a baby two months ago. We are now at a place in our relationship where we want to get engaged. We went looking for rings last night (for about ten minutes) and I pointed out the one that I loved (I had seen it previously and looked at it online). Later that night he told me that the price (6,000$) was too much, and I should shoot for something around 3,000$. I said okay, but I was slightly disappointed. He is divorced and had bought he ex a 5,000$ ring when they were married. I get with the child support payments, our new baby, etc he wants to save money, however money isn't tight (we are comfortable), he has a great job and he is in is 40's so he isn't a broke college kid. I also do NOT want a wedding. I want to just go down to the courthouse and sign papers, so that will save money immensely. However, I have ALWAYS wanted a nice ring. I also make less money than him, and our finances will never be combined. I consider myself to be realistic with money, however I know very little about rings and how much to spend (I don't believe in the three months salary BS). So here is my question: There are two rings that are less money but are similar. One is almost 5,000 and one is 3,000. I would be perfectly happy with the almost 5,000 one. I do not wish to make my boyfriend spend more than he wants to. So should I offer to pitch in the remaining 2 grand? I don't particularly like the smallest one. Should I pay for part of the ring (since I am the one who wants something bigger), or should I settle for the smaller one I don't like as much, or keep looking for something else? I have liked this ring for months and months (the 6,000$) and the almost 5,000 one would make me happy too. Or should I save my money and let him buy something he can afford?

littlestmonkey

First, I absolutely wouldn't compare what he gets you to what he got for the ex - in any aspect but especially not an engagement ring - that way unhappiness lies. Second, only you know if your boyfriend would be unhappy with the suggestion that you pay for part of the ring but my instinct would be that most people would be offended by the implication that the budget they specified wasn't good enough. Third, there may be another option here for your boyfriend to consider. The 'off-the-shelf' rings I liked were significantly over my husband's budget but when he went to an independent jeweller, the jeweller looked at the photos and offered to make something similar but within DH's budget so they played around with different designs, different stone quality/sizing etc and between them came up with a stunning ring which was everything I wanted and within budget - and it's unique

lavenderfields13

Yes, like PP said I think you need to do some more looking around. Did you see these rings at a mall or an independent jeweler? Mall jewelry stores are more expensive as they pay for advertising, etc. If you only looked at rings for 10 minutes I think you should look some more in person.

I feel like it could go either way with offering to pay for part of it. I don't think there's anything wrong with helping to pay for it..but the fact that you want to make up the difference and that's why you want to help..I don't know. You could try and ask if he would like you to contribute but if he says no then I would not push. What style ring is the one you love?

eilis1228

I agree with other PPs--look a bit more and see what else is out there. Look at different settings, different stones, different cuts, etc. Independent jewelers will typically give you a better deal, and they'll probably give you better advice too about your various options.

Have you talked to your BF about why the budget is what it is? Is he trying to factor in saving for a wedding? Does he know this will be one of the only wedding-related expenses you plan to incur? One way to help phrase the split payment option would be to offer to pay him back for half the cost of both your rings since you guys will now be partners. 

phira

cotton8744 said:

Back story: My boyfriend and I just had a baby two months ago. We are now at a place in our relationship where we want to get engaged. We went looking for rings last night (for about ten minutes) and I pointed out the one that I loved (I had seen it previously and looked at it online). Later that night he told me that the price (6,000$) was too much, and I should shoot for something around 3,000$. I said okay, but I was slightly disappointed. He is divorced and had bought he ex a 5,000$ ring when they were married. I get with the child support payments, our new baby, etc he wants to save money, however money isn't tight (we are comfortable), he has a great job and he is in is 40's so he isn't a broke college kid. I also do NOT want a wedding. I want to just go down to the courthouse and sign papers, so that will save money immensely. However, I have ALWAYS wanted a nice ring. I also make less money than him, and our finances will never be combined. I consider myself to be realistic with money, however I know very little about rings and how much to spend (I don't believe in the three months salary BS). So here is my question: There are two rings that are less money but are similar. One is almost 5,000 and one is 3,000. I would be perfectly happy with the almost 5,000 one. I do not wish to make my boyfriend spend more than he wants to. So should I offer to pitch in the remaining 2 grand? I don't particularly like the smallest one. Should I pay for part of the ring (since I am the one who wants something bigger), or should I settle for the smaller one I don't like as much, or keep looking for something else? I have liked this ring for months and months (the 6,000$) and the almost 5,000 one would make me happy too. Or should I save my money and let him buy something he can afford?

Question you're asking us: Is it okay to pay for part of your own engagement ring?

Answer: Some of us might think so (and I paid for half of mine), but it depends on what your boyfriend is comfortable with.

Question you're actually asking us: Is it okay to push for the more expensive ring?

Answer: You seem to be entirely focused on a couple of particular rings. There are more than just those two rings in existence. And you can always buy diamonds separately from settings to save money, or opt for cheaper stones or metals. You've said nothing about the style of ring you like; it sounds like you've settled on one ring in particular that you want already.

He's made it clear that he doesn't want to spend a lot of money on an engagement ring, and it doesn't matter if he could afford to spend more, or if he spent more on his ex. It's irrelevant. Let it go. But it is okay to let him know what rings you like, and it is okay to want a particular style of ring. After all, you have to wear it.

Finally, keep in mind that even if you don't want a wedding, he might. I wanted to elope, but my partner didn't--clearly, we couldn't compromise (he wanted a relatively small wedding and I wanted no wedding), and we opted for a small wedding. So even though you're thinking, "Well, it's not like we have to pay for a wedding," he might be thinking otherwise.

cotton8744

Yeah, I think Phira did a pretty fair analysis so to speak.

He knows I don't want a wedding. He said he is fine with that, but would like a nice honeymoon. I've just wanted this particular Neil Lane ring with a halo for a while now. It's probably true that stores at the mall charge more, and the fact it is a Neil Lane contributes to that. I guess going to an independent store is a good option.

I guess I just need to look at more options.

lmcooper86

Big name is going to equal big price tag. There's no way around that. Definitely look at other options/designers/stores and talk to independent jewellers. 

Styles with halos are really popular right now (I have one myself) so with a bit of investigating you should be able to find another designer who makes something you love within the budget that your BF (or the two of you) can spend. Alternatively, if you or your BF take pictures of what you want to an independent jeweller and give them a price to work with, they should be able to come up with something very similar to the original but with a much better price point. Case in point: I knew I wanted a fairly simple ring with a halo, and my FI found a style that I fell in love with at Tiffany. He went to a jeweller that his family knows, and was able to get almost the exact same ring made for a fraction of what it would have cost a Tiffany.

We don't know your BF, or how he might react to you suggesting that you pitch in for the cost of the ring. You can certainly ask him if that's an option, but I would only bring it up once. If he's okay with that, then great! If he isn't, or he avoids the subject or anything that makes you think he's uncomfortable with it, drop it and look at other options; you will absolutely be able to find or make a ring that you love and is within the budget he's put forward!

lilacck28

could you post a picture? Maybe we'd have some luck finding comparable rings that are closer to the proposed price point. Also, the ladies on pricescope.com are VERY good at doing that. You might want to look into that website. 

Dignity100

I wanted a ring I would describe as expensive (it was more than I wanted to spend on a ring) since FI and I shopped together.  I looked at A LOT of other rings for about 8 months and couldn't find anything that compared to the ring I liked.  We asked a jeweler the cost to make it and at that point my FI said 'I'm just going to get you the one you like by the designer, you never ask for anything'.

Some things you could look at doing to bring the cost down:
If it does not come with a diamond - you could substitute it for another gemstone (moissanite or a white sapphire if you want the diamond look). 

If you MUST have a diamond - was the diamond a full carat?  If you would get something smaller (.8-.95) it will be really close to a carat so most people won't be able to tell it's not a full carat.  Also what about the Clarity, you could get a lesser clarity and even color and just a better cut.  Having a great cut can mask color and clarity and lower the cost of the ring.

What type of metal were you looking at - if you were looking at an 18K gold could you get a 14K gold or if you were looking at a 14K what about a 10K or even palladium?

Does the $6000 include the cost of the wedding band, or will there be an additional wedding band cost? 

Without knowing your BF, it's hard to tell how he would react to you wanting to help pay for the ring. 

cotton8744

http://m.kay.com/en/kaystore/diamonds---gemstones/diamond-engagement-ring-1-1-2-ct-tw-princess-cut-14k-white-gold-99064360799--1/100020/100020.100023.100051

I guess my main problem is that I've been wanting to get engaged for so long I just want the ring I've had in my mind and to just get on with being engaged. He also would hardly have the time to sit down and do three hour ring shopping excursions. He travels a lot, is also in the army reserves and I don't really want to bring SD engagement ring shopping when we have her. It just seems simpler to buy a pre-made one. This doesn't include the band though so that's another expense

Dignity100

The link you put on the page, I cannot get it to work, so judging by what I can grab out of the link, I'm assuming it's this ring:
<<LINK>>





Quite honesty - looking at everything for the ring, you are paying a lot for the name:
Center Stone:
Cut - Princess (It does not tell me if it's Ideal, Very Good, Good)
Color:  H-I
Clarity:  SI1-2
Carat:  3/4

BreMR

I would definitely keep looking around, I echo what others have said about going to a jeweler that may be able to replicate it.  You are definitely paying for the name on this one...

Also,  I found my dream ring at Shaneco (I'm not sure if everyone is familiar with this, but it's a chain store) and it was just the setting, we shopped around for awhile for the diamond and got a an amazing deal on a 1 carat stone at a very high quality. .  

thetimewillcome

Sorry slight thread jack

@BreMR Everytime you mention Shaneco I always get a smile on my face. My mom got her wedding and engagement ring there and it is beautiful. She also always talks about how good the experience was. Of course, she's been married for 30+ years, so it was a while ago, but you remind me every time.

Carry on, sorry for the slight thread jack.

BreMR

@thetimewillcome aww!  That's nice!! I went there because I was interested in going to a store that the sales people weren't paid on commission and they always say they have the best prices because of their direct dealings with Antwerp, I definitely think we got a great deal on our wedding set, but we did find a better deal with the diamond with an independent jeweler.  However, my shopping experience with them was GREAT!  I'd definitely recommend them.

eilis1228

You can find rings like that all over the place, not just Kay's. I would suggest a local jeweler, or even a reputable online seller like Blue Nile: http://www.bluenile.com/build-your-own-ring/princess-cut-floating-halo-engagement-ring-14k-white-gold_33943. 

ETA: If you're OK with moissanite, MoissaniteCo is a reputable online seller too: http://www.moissaniteco.com/embrace-cushion-moissanite-engagement-ring-p-8973.html 

500days

One of my close friends has a ring very similar to yours. She got it from jamesallen.com (similar online retailer like blue nile). It is gorgeous. The setting is here. You could find a bigger diamond or higher quality diamond on the same site as well. You definitely get more bang for your buck going to a local independent jeweler or a reputable jeweler online. Good luck, you and your SO will find your ring

luckya23

I didn't pay for any part of my ring, but I definitely did all of the legwork in finding what I want.  It's great that you have an idea of what it should look like, now you just have to find the best deal! (I didn't know I wanted a halo initially)

Shopping online will probably be easier anyway so you can point out online what you want to SO when you find it, and he doesn't have to spend any time shopping.

For reference, on Blue Nile, there are hundreds of 3/4 carat diamonds, and they are generally around $1600-2000.  That setting is not even CLOSE to worth another $4000!  I would estimate maybe $1800-2500 if not a brand name.  My setting is a Gabriel & Co so you could look there to see if there's something similar. 

loves2shop4shoes

Ok, a few things.

1)  Don't compare your ring with his ex's ring.  As you correctly pointed out, his financial situation and obligations are different now than when he proposed to his ex.  That will factor in to the type of ring you get.

2)  The ring you picked out is not worth 6k.  You're paying for a "Neil Lane" name with a "Kay Jewelers" quality.  The center stone is .75, may have visible imperfections, and is around H color, which isn't awful, but isn't the greatest.  You could get a much nicer quality ring with a larger center stone on BlueNile for 6k.  If the budget is around 3k, you can still get a .77 ct, D color, SI2, princess cut stone with a 1/5 ct. total weight halo white gold setting for $3400.

BreMR

Exactly what @loves2shop4shoes said. My entire ring including wedding band was 6(ish?) and I have a 1.1 carat nearly colorless center stone, though I can't quite remember the SI stuff, that was my fiance, but I will tell you he was very picky!   You should definitely keep looking around.

cotton8744

Thank you all so so much! We obviously need to do more shopping around. I incorrectly assumed that it would be easier to walk into a jewelry store and pick out a random ring. I need to do research!

[Deleted User]

good luck, @cotton8744!  I like what @love2shop4shoes had to say...  it's a pretty ring, but you can find something similar for a better price OR for the same price, better quality. 

also, just wanted to add my 2 cents...  I think someone mentioned it, but have you talked about WHY he thinks that budget is too much?  another thing that my H and I do, is when we have a disagreement about something, we rate it.  so if we can't come to an agreement about something we each give our opinion and then a number on how important it is to us (1 being lowest, don't really care, and 10 being really important).  so if I have an opinion, but it's only a 3, and his opinion is an 8.5, then we go with his idea.  it's really simple and sounds kind of silly, but it works for us.

labro

CocoBellaF said:

good luck, @cotton8744!  I like what @love2shop4shoes had to say...  it's a pretty ring, but you can find something similar for a better price OR for the same price, better quality. 

also, just wanted to add my 2 cents...  I think someone mentioned it, but have you talked about WHY he thinks that budget is too much?  another thing that my H and I do, is when we have a disagreement about something, we rate it.  so if we can't come to an agreement about something we each give our opinion and then a number on how important it is to us (1 being lowest, don't really care, and 10 being really important).  so if I have an opinion, but it's only a 3, and his opinion is an 8.5, then we go with his idea.  it's really simple and sounds kind of silly, but it works for us.

In pre-marital counseling we had a similar discussion. Our officiant recommended that we "rate" an issue. For one of us, it may be a 1 or a 2, it bugs us but it's not big deal and we are over it, but for the other person, it may be a 7, as it in resolve it or we have some serious problems. It's actually a really useful tool and not weird or silly at all!

[Deleted User]

@LaPeanut1018 - it does get us in the discussion of why we feel a certain way, instead of just fighting about it.  I think it works really well for us, and it's cool to see that someone else does it too!  I have to admit, I saw it on Dr. Phil (HA!) and copied it from there.

loves2shop4shoes

CocoBellaF said:

good luck, @cotton8744!  I like what @love2shop4shoes had to say...  it's a pretty ring, but you can find something similar for a better price OR for the same price, better quality. 

also, just wanted to add my 2 cents...  I think someone mentioned it, but have you talked about WHY he thinks that budget is too much?  another thing that my H and I do, is when we have a disagreement about something, we rate it.  so if we can't come to an agreement about something we each give our opinion and then a number on how important it is to us (1 being lowest, don't really care, and 10 being really important).  so if I have an opinion, but it's only a 3, and his opinion is an 8.5, then we go with his idea.  it's really simple and sounds kind of silly, but it works for us.

OMG, Coco, that is BRILLIANT!  I am so stealing that!

Purpleflowerpainter8

I would look at Diamond Nexus.com they are crystals or you can get lab carbon, same as diamonds only made in a lab, plus they do custom rings starting at 1,600. I found that the designs like the one you like doesn't cost as much because there is less gold.