Wedding Etiquette Forum

NWR legit question

I was reading another thread and had a question.

I KNOW potluck+wedding is highly tacky, but I saw a lot of people frowning on potluck parties in general. Like, not even linked to a wedding, just hanging out grilliing and drinking your preferred poison, and everyone brings something? Is that an issue? Because I love potluck. Our Christmas parties are always potluck and I get some of my favorite foods that way.
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Re: NWR legit question

  • If potluck parties are wrong, I don't want to be right.

    In all seriousness though, I think the oft-quoted saying "An invitation is not a summons" applies here and I don't see anything wrong with having a potluck and assuming those who will feel burdened by having to bring a dish will decline.  A wedding is different because you are thanking guests for attending the ceremony, but a normal party isn't really thanking anyone for anything.  
  • Personally, I am not a fan of potlucks. If you are going to host a party, I think you should host it. That being said, I don't mind if Super Bowl parties or Labor Day BBQs are potluck. I'm not put off by that, but it isn't how I would do that type of party in my home.
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  • I think it's a holiday or something it's okay. Or a church get together or family get together or a school get together. Those aren't hosted events really.

    But baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, birthdays are all hosted events. As a host guests should not have to bring something. It's almost like a dish is admission. Plus these are also events in which a gift is generally expected. So, having your guests bring both a gift and a dish is an awful large financial responsibility for someone you should be hosting.
  • I think potlucks are kind of bad if you invite people to come hang out and say BUT you have to bring a dish. Potlucks are cool if they are mutually agreed upon. Not if you are invited with the stipulation you must bring something.
  • I don't think they're rude but they aren't my cup of tea. The balance is always so awful-oh look, there's potato salad, macaroni salad, and more macaroni salad, and coleslaw. But no veggie dish that isn't dripping with mayo. And there are always one or two good things that get cleaned out first and then a bunch of people are stuck with crap.

    Now I was raised that any time we were invited anywhere, we offered/brought a dish (or three). So our family holidays were slightly potluck because one person didn't do all the cooking.
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  • I think it depends on the party. 

    My work department christmas/end of year parties...potluck/byob all the way and are a blast.

    Family get togethers....potluck/byob....mom buys a lot anyway and are a blast. We supplement the sides and drinks. 

    If I was having a more formal sit down/hosted party then I wouldn't do potluck. 

    Kid's birthday parties....nope I host everything. 

    Graduation parties (2 that I have hosted)....I hosted everything. 

    Backyard BBQ/Superbowl Party?  That is iffy for me. I can't host every type of alcohol beverage or even the amount of beer that H's friend like to drink. That would bankrupt me. I could probably do all the food, but be okay with doing BYOB, because his friends are heavy beer drinkers. Like over a case in one sitting, per person. 
  • Ah, sweet clarity. :) Thanks! 
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    I don't mind potlucks, but only in certain situations.  Pretty much work or church where you participate if you want, don't if you don't, and you sign up ahead of time with what you're bringing.  I'll also make an exception for something very informal where there is no guest of honor and where it's clear all parties involved know and decide and agree upon this ahead of time (so Labor Day BBQ = ok, birthday party/baby shower/wedding shower/anniversary party/engagement party/etc. = not ok).

    Otherwise, I think it's tacky.  I think it's tacky to throw a party and expect invited guests to contribute food and definitely tacky to dictate to people what to bring.  If I can't afford to properly host the party, then I don't throw the party.  Potlucks = everyone agrees to co-host and contribute, Parties = one or more hosts with invited guests who shouldn't have to open their wallets.

    I was invited to a birthday party recently.  They finally got me to commit and say yes.  After I said yes, I was told "Great.  So we're doing a nachos bar, so I'm bringing chips, X is bringing cheese dip, Y is bringing guacamole.  Do you want to bring salsa and refried beans or a dessert?"  Ummm...what?  I did eventually have a good time at the party, but it really left a bitter taste in my mouth that I was told after I committed to going that I had to contribute to the food.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    I have no problem with potlucks for other types of parties if it is agreed upon and understood up front it's potluck.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I love potlucks, but only the ones where bringing a dish is optional.
  • The only time my family or I ever do anything remotely 'potluck'-ish is for holidays or the superbowl.

    The standard is, for anyone who asks if they should bring something, we'll list what we're making (which is enough to cover the bases very well), and then say "if you want to bring something, go right ahead!"

    Like for Thanksgiving or Christmas, my mom will make turkey/ham, stuffing, sides, apps, and pie. And she'll have some wine and regular sodas etc available. Aunt Z will ask if she should bring anything, we always say 'whatever you want to make, you don't have to bring anything if you don't feel like it' and she always makes her AMAAAAAZING broccoli cheese casserole and sweet potatoes.

    Superbowl, it's at my house if FI is home, same thing goes out to anyone who's invited, and AD will always make her absolutely fucking incredible buffalo chicken dip.

    I've never had a true potluck though, so idk.
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    I'm the fuck
    out.

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  • I think it depends on your circle and the occasion. My grandmother would never dream of having her guests bring food to her Christmas party, but a summer BBQ with FI's family wouldn't be nearly as fun without everyone bringing their favorite dish.
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  • When my mom hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas she hosted all the food and drinks. Now it has gotten passed onto her two daughters and all of the family volunteers to do it as a carry in. I think it depends on the family and inner circle of friends.
  • I'm going to a "frying party" soon with one of fiance's friends. ( I guess my friend now too at this point!) I guess he holds it anually. He has a fryer with batter, hosts some drinks, and tells people "bring things you want to fry!". It's all in good fun. Just a silly event to get people together. Nothing wrong with that.  
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited September 2014
    While potlucks are not appropriate for weddings, there can be any number of other occasions where they are. I would avoid them in the following situations: 1) Weddings and other events where the honorees "receive" their guests 2) There is an expectation of gift-giving (birthday parties, showers) 3) The event is formal 4) A significant percentage of the guests are coming from out of town and can't cook or store any party provisions For a casual get-together, like a Super Bowl party, a holiday party or a cookout, potlucks can work fine as long as the potluck format is not sprung on guests.
  • lilacck28 said:

    I'm going to a "frying party" soon with one of fiance's friends. ( I guess my friend now too at this point!) I guess he holds it anually. He has a fryer with batter, hosts some drinks, and tells people "bring things you want to fry!". It's all in good fun. Just a silly event to get people together. Nothing wrong with that.  

    I wanna come!! We tried to get this going at work a few years ago ("Deep Fridays") but the coworker with the deep fryer quit. :-p

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  • All my family get togethers are pot luck. There are more than 40 of us. The last time I counted 46, so expecting one person to cook for that many people seems ridiculous to us.
  • Jdluvr06, your right. My mom is as OCD as they come, she hosted 35-40 people for Thanksgiving and Christmas was actually a 2 day open house over the 24th and 25th with 30 - 50 people. As she has gotten older she can't do it anymore. After my sister and I got married and had kids she let us split the holidays. She still normally buys all the meats and fixes a couple sides. Most of the family offered to help my mom and do it carry in, but she insisted it was hers to do. Now she gets to relax more and spend times with the grand kids.
  • I'm all for potlucks for big family gathering (we have 40+ people on one side), but no fucking way for showers or weddings. 

    That said, I'm a little pissy about a potluck for H's family coming up. Not that I mind bringing something to share at all, but every time it's within a strict theme and about 'thinking outside the box.' Um stop, I want to bring what I want.
  • Christmas at my aunt's house is always potluck. Summer bbqs, get togethers - all totally ok in my book. Personally I feel that birthday parties, graduation parties and showers shouldn't be potlucks.
  • I think potlucks are fine when they're mutually agreed upon, like family reunions or holiday parties, work potlucks, or when friends really just want to gather but no one of them can host an entire big shindig. I don't like them when you're throwing an event meant to be hosted by you. Basically, if you invite people to come to your home to celebrate something, you should host them. If you would send a paper invitation (before the invention of the internet), you should host.
  • A friend of mine always had a New Year's Day party.  She provided the meat and drinks (pop/coffee/beer) and everyone else brought something.  Unfortunately, there was one person who only brought two dozen cookies (every year) for a group of about 30 people,  They also brought their adult children AND the daughter's boyfriend - who nobody knew!

    If I am invited to a potluck, I ask the host how many people may attend and I make something in an amount that is appropriate.  If something goes fast, I know to make more next year, and if it hardly gets eaten, I will make less next year but also make something else.
  • At work, we have potlucks on the regular. The store provides the basics, the employees provide desserts or additional sides. The only other potluck I go to is an annual Super Bowl party. We usually bring BBQ little smokies.
  • My family is huge, every holiday get together is pot luck, and we bring enough to share with everyone.  FIs family is only his mom, dad, brother, and grandmother, and FMIL hates people bringing things, she likes making everything herself.

    At hosted parties, with no mention of potluck beforehand, it isn't expected to bring anything, but guests can ask if they want to.  I always ask, because I hate showing up empty-handed, even if it's just a bottle of wine.

    I don't understand the people who are saying pot lucks are fine "if bringing something is optional." It either IS a potluck, where everyone knows about it and pitches in, or it isn't. Showing up to a potluck without something is really rude in my circles. Decline if you can't even bother to bring a bag of chips.

  • I love potlucks and have no issues. In fact my mom and aunts would bring cookies or sandwiches to a shower even if not asked cause that's what they do. They do the same when a family member passes away - food shows up at the funeral home.

    I do have a 2 friends who despise potlucks regardless of the occasion and will not attend.

  • I agree that certain events are acceptable for potlucks, though I can see how it is cultural/family.

    In my family, it would be rude to go to a xmas dinner or something like that and NOT offer to bring a dish. Showing up empty handed would be rude. Because of that, we have a TON of food at all our holidays and BBQ's. Everyone also pitches in to help clean up and set up, as well


    At many of my husbands family events (with certain members of his family), it is considered rude TO bring something. It is assumed that host will cover it all. Bringing something shows you think the host doesn't have it covered...With that being said, christmas dinner is like 1 choice of meat, 1 veggie, and a potato.....so quite the culture shock from what I am used to where you have about 1000 choices of what you would like to eat! LOL

    On a side note, we do have one person on MY side who shows up to every family event, never brings a gosh darn thing, never offers to help with anything, and always takes home leftovers...drives me insane!! I just think that is rude behavior, IMO


  • I don't think there's anything wrong with potlucks in general if that's the group's "thing." But they're inappropriate for weddings for sure.

    While not a wedding, Mr. E is somehow attempting to turn our AHR in to some sort of potluck shit show. I'm 10000% against this for multiple reasons. The biggest being I'm not a fan of potlucks because I'm a nutty control freak about stuff like this. As someone above mentioned I just envision a ton of mayo-based salads and other bowls of stuff I have no idea who brought it or what it is or if there's cat hair in it or......... I shudder.

    This will likely be the hill I die on.
  • lilacck28 said:

    I'm going to a "frying party" soon with one of fiance's friends. ( I guess my friend now too at this point!) I guess he holds it anually. He has a fryer with batter, hosts some drinks, and tells people "bring things you want to fry!". It's all in good fun. Just a silly event to get people together. Nothing wrong with that.  

    I wanna come!! We tried to get this going at work a few years ago ("Deep Fridays") but the coworker with the deep fryer quit. :-p
    At my sorority Fridays were always "Fried Fridays". Our mixers were Thursday nights so I think it originated after many hangovers. The chef sometimes enjoyed seeing what weird thing he could fry. I just loved the Dino nuggets and fried macaroni and cheese.
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