Moms and Maids

Mom got engaged right after me!

Long story short- FI and I got engaged in March with family blessings. We are incredibly excited to be married next June. We are doing a destination wedding- simple, no fuss, etc. My parents recently divorced (less than a year ago) so the whole planning of the wedding has been awkward to say the least between the two parties. My mom has been dating a man for two months today and sends me a picture of her hand with an engagement ring. After being upset about the sudden nuptials, she proceeds to tell me that I am lucky they have decided to wait until right after my ceremony to wed. I want to be happy that she is getting married but its all too much too soon. I feel like my wedding plans have escalated her need to get married as well and now it's all about her---- "this is what I am doing at my wedding, etc." Please help! I need advice. I want to be as delicate as possible because I want her to be a part of my wedding but I also want to plan my wedding with her with her being my mom and not another bride. Am I being too selfish and how do I approach this?!?!

Re: Mom got engaged right after me!

  • I can understand why all of it is "too much too soon" from your viewpoint, as you say that your parents are recently divorced. Not to say that your mom shouldn't be engaged (that isn't anyone's place), but I can see why it is hard for you to adjust to the changes and that it may make things awkward to plan a wedding between your father and your mother.

    In the end just say you are happy for her, you love her, and move along with your planning. She is still going to be your mom regardless of if she is getting married or not. Her future wedding does not take away your being a bride.

    Be excited that you get to go to two awesome parties :)
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  • trm358 said:
    Long story short- FI and I got engaged in March with family blessings. We are incredibly excited to be married next June. We are doing a destination wedding- simple, no fuss, etc. My parents recently divorced (less than a year ago) so the whole planning of the wedding has been awkward to say the least between the two parties. My mom has been dating a man for two months today and sends me a picture of her hand with an engagement ring. After being upset about the sudden nuptials, she proceeds to tell me that I am lucky they have decided to wait until right after my ceremony to wed. I want to be happy that she is getting married but its all too much too soon. I feel like my wedding plans have escalated her need to get married as well and now it's all about her---- "this is what I am doing at my wedding, etc." Please help! I need advice. I want to be as delicate as possible because I want her to be a part of my wedding but I also want to plan my wedding with her with her being my mom and not another bride. Am I being too selfish and how do I approach this?!?!
    And you haven't talked to her about YOUR wedding to her? I'm assuming you both talk about your weddings, no? If so, I don't see why one of you should be able to and the other shouldn't. 

    Because you asked, yes, I think you are acting like a selfish bride. Your mom is never obligated to help you plan your wedding anyway. Your fiance is, but not your mom. So this role that you picture her in isn't really a thing anyway and you should let it go. How would you feel if she was engaged, then 6 months later you announced your engagement and she pouted and threw a fit about it...? Probably not very happy, right? You'd think she was acting selfish and immature. 

    If I were you, I'd apologize to her and tell her you're happy that she's obviously in love and found someone she wants to marry. I understand it's hard because your parents are divorced. I get that it's fresh and you are still probably personally hurting from it. I get that it's hard, but you're an adult now and if you want to have an adult relationship with your mom, you'll need to start acting like one.
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    OliveOilsMom
  • It's OK to be upset, but try to set aside your feelings and do what you can to be happy for her... it actually could be fun getting to plan the wedding(s) together.  However, if your mom is going to be a part of your wedding planning process and she starts being more focused on her wedding in the moments she has dedicated to plan yours then I think it is OK to have a conversation saying "I know you are excited for your wedding but right now I need you to be my mom and not a bride."  This goes both ways too.  It cannot just be all about your wedding either, so make sure there are days dedicated to her planning (if she asks you be a part of her planning).  Just remember you each will get your time to shine.  As long as she is not trying on wedding gowns while you are then I think it will all be fine.
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    pensgirl10
  • I remember my mom getting engaged after my parents divorce and that was hard for me. Adding that into the time of your own wedding planning.. I think that sounds very hard. I don't think you are selfish and I think you have every right to feel this way. But unfortunately there is nothing you can do. I am not sure how close you are with your mom but at this point maybe keep your wedding plans seperate if you don't want to hear about hers, then maybe you shouldn't share yours.

    In the grand scheme of things its so easy to get wrapped up in the wedding craze, but remember it is one day, when what you should be looking forward to is a lifetime with you husband.
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    Anniversary
    ryanandjoe4
  • edited October 2014
    I can so relate. I went through a similar situation with my father. Like you my parents are not together, my father has lived across the country since I was a toddler. I would see him mostly holidays and has not been very involved in my life. Anyways, he has dated a lot of people and his new wife he only dated for maybe 8 months and announced they were getting married last Christmas. Which was a shock because he has had a lot of girlfriends and I honestly thought he would never settle down. To try to make a long story short instead of getting married this October at my uncle's cottage as he announced. He was going to surprise our family reunion beach vacation this summer that they were getting married one of the days we were there but, he got word my fiance might propose that weekend and didn't want to reign on his parade so cancelled his surprise wedding idea. Well my fiance actually proposed a week before because he didn't want to reign on my dad's parade as he announced they were having an engagement party dinner for themselves with my family at the beach not knowing it was actually their reception. So basically 2 weeks after the family beach vacation my dad and his wife eloped and had a reception with their friends with no family there at all. I felt a lot of the same emotions of you my dad marrying a person he barely knew, my dad wanting to hurry up and get married because he knew I was in that stage soon etc. I was actually more hurt after the fact I never got to celebrate after his wedding when his friends I never have even met. But now that I look back I am happy because we know have months to plan mine and my dad gets to just be the dad for my wedding and it is not conflicting with mine. Unfortunately you don't have that luxury :(. So, I guess the best advice I can give you is try to be supportive things will work out in the end. Make lemonade out of lemons. At the end of the day she is your mom I am sure you love her and she you. Maybe make times to work on her wedding and other days to specifically work on hers. You can even have fun deciding together " on which days she gets to be mom to help plan your wedding and which days it is about her being the bride and planning her wedding". This means always having two separate appointments and not blending planning together. although difficult and busy it might actually end up being fun and you get to maybe share ideas and enjoy these special times. :)
  • In a new twist of events, they broke up. It turns out she knew nothing about him and was in love with the idea of getting married. I will fully support her when she is ready for that stage in her life again. 
  • trm358 said:
    In a new twist of events, they broke up. It turns out she knew nothing about him and was in love with the idea of getting married. I will fully support her when she is ready for that stage in her life again. 
    SITB Oh my! I was just about to post that, if I were you, I'd secretly be happy she was putting off her wedding until after mine because than she would at least be waiting quite awhile before marrying a guy she only knew after two months. And, there ya go! I had a friend like that. Got engaged after only knowing/dating 4 months, got married 4 months after that. And he was unemployed, except for the first six weeks they dated. Magically couldn't find any work the entire time they were married. I knew she was just marrying him because she was worried no one else would ask her (she's beautiful and awesome, just has really low self esteem). I gently tried to encourage her to have a longer engagement, but it was to no avail. It was a miserable marriage almost from day one :( and they divorced a few years later. Certainly not saying all short engagements are disasters, but I suspect many people have been saved from a bad marriage by a longer engagement.
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    Your poor mom.  At least she found out before she married him.  Be there for her.  
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