Wedding Woes

My wife wants unconscious sex

Dear Prudence,
My wife hates sex. Over the years, her libido has gradually faded to nothing and she now finds even the thought of intercourse unpleasant. She loves me and tries to accommodate my desires out of a sense of obligation, but she would rather be doing almost anything else, including household chores. She would prefer a completely sexless marriage. We’ve tried everything we can think of to rekindle her interest and make sex more enjoyable, but nothing seems to work. I recently made a joke, just an off-color remark intended to make light of a frustrating situation, that the one thing we hadn’t tried was “slipping her a mickey.” She responded by taking this seriously. She takes a prescription sleep aid and is confident she could sleep through sex after taking it. She says she’s comfortable with the idea of me having sex with her while she was out, so long as she consented beforehand. Initially, I rejected the idea as creepy and weird but as my frustration grows, I’m beginning to reconsider. I’m not particularly excited by the thought of an unconscious partner but I’m wondering if we shouldn’t at least give it a try. I’m having difficulty mentally and emotionally sorting this out. Does it make me a creep for even considering it? What’s your perspective?

—The Sandman Cometh

Re: My wife wants unconscious sex

  • So the wife has pretty much implies that the only way the hubby's going to get laid is for her to be completely and mentally AWOL from the deed?

    Have they even looked into professional help? Whether it's historical sexual trauma, physiological issues, or a marriage falling apart at the seams....this isn't just marital boredom or the day to day life getting in the way
    imageAlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
  • I'd say it's far past time to bring in the pros.
    Because either there's a reason her libido has gone to nill (medical, psychological, etc) or she's asexual--and that's not something to just ignore.  (I mean, it's fine for her to be asexual, but a relationship between someone w/ a libido and someone who is pro-relationship, anti-sex [there's a term I'm forgetting for this] asexual has to have a better plan than what they've got)
  • Yeah, I get squicky about the idea of "sex therapists" but in this case===go for it.
  • It's so hard to say when you're not actually in the situation, but if my libido disappeared, I'd like to think I'd be concerned--for myself, at least as much as Mr. L.  I don't think I'd just shrug it off or suggest he wait until I'm knocked out.  I mean, there have been days I've been so tired that I'm like "Wait 'til I'm asleep and then you can do whatever, as long as you let me sleep," but we both know I'm not serious.  It's hard to imagine being in a place where this feels like a cromulent long-term solution, and I don't blame the LW for balking.  Seems like it would be a poor substitute.
  • I thought this was going to be about mismatched kinks. Now I'm depressed. 

    Obviously, call in the pros. And you know what Dan Savage would say - "have an affair". And maybe see if your wife's cool with that. 
  • Oh, I've waiting for you to post this all morning! Aside from all the issues PP raised, WTF is wrong with him that he's cool having sex with a person who's asleep?? Isn't that a little off-putting?
  • well, he does acknowledge it's off putting and creepy, so that's actually a vote in his favor.

    I dunno, some things so change the basic constructs of marriage that I think the're a 'consider outside the box or divorce' moments--celibacy and/or child-vs-childfree, wanting to add a 3rd partner, etc...these are things that fall into that.
    But yeah, wanting passed out sex isn't really a 'nice' thing.

  • I am surprised her husband is still so interested in having sex with her!

    Isn't sex while she is asleep just a kink? If they are both agreeable to it, it can be considered variety, like whips and chains.

    They don't need anyone's permission to do it.

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards