Moms and Maids

Stepmother During Ceremony

Should my stepmother walk down during the prelude before my grandmother, the MOG, and MOB? My father is gonna want her to, but she's the woman my dad left my mom for ten years ago. I don't mind either way, but I don't want to cause drama with my Mom/her family and I don't want to piss off my dad. It's one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" things. Someone is gonna be hurt. Suggestions? My gut tells me to just let her walk right before/as the prelude starts with my uncle and warn my mom ahead of time to eliminate total shock. But I'm also not close to Stepmom at all, so her walking down the aisle doesnt matter to me, but it will to my dad. Blah.

Re: Stepmother During Ceremony

  • Hmmmm I would say no simply out of respect for your mother but I would honestly start by asking your mother feels about the situation. She might not say no outright but her reaction will tell you how she feels. Maybe say "I know everyone will be walking down and it occurred to me that I didn't know if " " should be included in that or not. What do you think?" The simple solution to this is to just have only you and whoever is walking you down the aisle walk. Could be just dad or just mom or both, your choice but that makes it more simple.
  • usually it is grandparents, then stepmoms, MOG, then MOB.
    OliveOilsMom
  • edited September 2014
    Is your dad walking you down the aisle? If so, then I think your stepmom can be seated for the processional. Normally, they'd walk together, but if he's walking with you...

    You could just not have "the mothers" as part of the processional. And ask your mom and dad to walk you down the aisle together (I get they're divorced but they should be able to act like adults if this is what you want). That way your mom is part of the processional without including "the mothers" and therefore the politics of including your stepmom, IMO don't really apply. Regarding the MOG, she could process with your FI so would also be part of the processional. 
    ETF spelling
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    PnkBrideMairePoppyJschliegIlumine
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    @southernbelle0915 - that's brilliant.

    I'd bet the MOB and POG would be so happy to be honored this way, that the MOG won't even care if the SM is ushered to her seat pre-processional.

                       
  • My situation is a bit different since I am pretty close with my stepmom (she has been in my life since I was 3). But at our wedding we are having the grandparents first, then my stepmom, Grooms Mom, then My mom. :)
    MairePoppy
  • Thanks for all the suggestions. My mother still isn't over my father almost 12 years after they split and I know how she's going to feel about "that woman" (as she refers to her) walking down in any honored role. Mom also flat out doesn't like the fact that my dad is walking me down the aisle (She believes he abandoned our family and shouldn't have this honor either) I could walk with both but the looks on their faces wouldn't make for a great memory. I wish I could do this, but my parents haven't spoken to each other and probably will not on my wedding day. The priest also wants me to separate my parents seating during the ceremony because they won't shake hands during the sign of the peace. It is extremely childish of them, but this is the situation I'm faced with and I'm trying to make it go as smooth as possible.

    It sucks because during the reception we aren't announcing the parents just because of this drama they've kept going for soooooo many years. I would like it for everyone to get past it for one day and just be happy but I know I'm gonna upset someone.

    I'm thinking when I talk with mom, I'm just going to explain how the day will go and let her tell me her frustrations so they are out of her system the day of. Is it proper etiquette to have grandparents, stepparents, MOG and MOB, bridesmaids and bride in that order? I can't switch this one up? 
  • cosenti7 said:
    Thanks for all the suggestions. My mother still isn't over my father almost 12 years after they split and I know how she's going to feel about "that woman" (as she refers to her) walking down in any honored role. Mom also flat out doesn't like the fact that my dad is walking me down the aisle (She believes he abandoned our family and shouldn't have this honor either) I could walk with both but the looks on their faces wouldn't make for a great memory. I wish I could do this, but my parents haven't spoken to each other and probably will not on my wedding day. The priest also wants me to separate my parents seating during the ceremony because they won't shake hands during the sign of the peace. It is extremely childish of them, but this is the situation I'm faced with and I'm trying to make it go as smooth as possible.

    It sucks because during the reception we aren't announcing the parents just because of this drama they've kept going for soooooo many years. I would like it for everyone to get past it for one day and just be happy but I know I'm gonna upset someone.

    I'm thinking when I talk with mom, I'm just going to explain how the day will go and let her tell me her frustrations so they are out of her system the day of. Is it proper etiquette to have grandparents, stepparents, MOG and MOB, bridesmaids and bride in that order? I can't switch this one up? 
    I don't know if this is an etiquette thing as much as a tradition thing.  I think this is one of those rare cases where I'd say, Do whatever you want.  You're the one who understands your family dynamics.
  • cosenti7 said:
    Thanks for all the suggestions. My mother still isn't over my father almost 12 years after they split and I know how she's going to feel about "that woman" (as she refers to her) walking down in any honored role. Mom also flat out doesn't like the fact that my dad is walking me down the aisle (She believes he abandoned our family and shouldn't have this honor either) I could walk with both but the looks on their faces wouldn't make for a great memory. I wish I could do this, but my parents haven't spoken to each other and probably will not on my wedding day. The priest also wants me to separate my parents seating during the ceremony because they won't shake hands during the sign of the peace. It is extremely childish of them, but this is the situation I'm faced with and I'm trying to make it go as smooth as possible.

    It sucks because during the reception we aren't announcing the parents just because of this drama they've kept going for soooooo many years. I would like it for everyone to get past it for one day and just be happy but I know I'm gonna upset someone.

    I'm thinking when I talk with mom, I'm just going to explain how the day will go and let her tell me her frustrations so they are out of her system the day of. Is it proper etiquette to have grandparents, stepparents, MOG and MOB, bridesmaids and bride in that order? I can't switch this one up? 
    How frustrating. Why can't adults act their age? Honestly. It's one thing if they decide let these things impact their own life but it's selfish to let it impact others in this way. Do YOU feel abandoned by your dad? Do YOU want him to walk you down the aisle? I think your mom is projecting and wants to punish your dad through you since she doesn't have the leverage anymore. F that noise. Do what you want here.

    Anyway..... I think you have two options:

    1) Your parents both walk you down the aisle, eliminating the need for "the mothers" and therefore stepmom is not part of the processional.
    2) You do "the mothers" and step mom is part of the processional.

    Your mom sounds like she's going to be unhappy either way because she's unhappy with her life circumstances. Do what you want and tell her how it's going to be. She can suck it up or sit it out.
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    cosenti7PrettyGirlLostOliveOilsMom
  • southernbelle0915 Exactly.

    I'm fine with my dad, I don't applaud his choices but it's really none of my business and I would like him to walk me down the aisle. I would like my mother to enjoy my wedding day also, but I can't control how she feels either. I think since I have eliminated my stepmother from the reception announcement and the program, I will include her in the processional and I will explain to my mom that this is how it is going to go at the rehearsal and day of. I hope my mom is distracted by how happy she is, rather by what stepmom is up to. Thanks for the advice.

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited September 2014

    Is it proper etiquette to have grandparents, stepparents, MOG and MOB, bridesmaids and bride in that order? I can't switch this one up? 

    Yes and yes. In your situation, I would switch the order so that SM doesn't get stabbed in the back by your mom. Let her go first with an escort of her choice.

    If your mother objects, let the priest to go old school on her. I don't know any priests that would allow that nonsense during preparation for a sacrament.

                       
    Lauderdale Pinkcosenti7OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]
  • I agree with everyone that says stepmom needs to be part of the processional.  Weddings can bring up some really intense emotions for all involved.  Hopefully your mom will get as much of her displeasure out of her system, and like you said, she will just be caught up in the moment and all of the happiness of the day.  Honestly, a lot of things that seem like the BIGGEST deal ever even the day before the wedding are all but forgotten on the wedding day.  I'm not saying the moms will hug it out or anything, but I think they will straighten up.  And yes, if need be, get them all in the same room with the priest and let him have a "come to Jesus" talk with them (see what I did there, haha!).  Good luck!
    MairePoppycosenti7
  • It seems as though you have made a choice and I applaud you for trying to be so considerate throughout all of this drama they bring upon you.  However, I have to say if I had a stepmother who I did not feel close to (ie. don't feel she is a mother figure or feel she has had any impact on my upbringing) I would feel weird involving her in a processional.  I'd just have her seated where your father will end up sitting. 
  • edited September 2014
    Honestly, the simple truth is NONE OF YOU will see Step Mom being escorted down the aisle anyway, so let out of sight be out of mind.  Your mom will still be outside of the ceremony area, hopefully still with you, so you get a few extra minutes of mom time.  If you are talking to her when SM gets seated, she will be too distracted to care. May even be a good time to hold hands with mom, close your eyes and say a prayer or two. You could ask dad to step aside for a minute so you can have a bit of chat time with mom before he gets the honor of escorting you.  
    cosenti7eshaneyMairePoppy
  • speakeasy14speakeasy14 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2014

    A little late to respond to this, but: We just had this situation at my sister's wedding. My dad's wife ( I guess my step-mom though I don't consider her that) isolates herself from my entire family, then complains to my dad that no one likes her and she is always excluded.

    To avoid any kind of disruption to my sister's day, my mom told my step-mom to walk down the aisle before her. No one could say she was left out. She was not announced as a parent of the bride for the reception. We also did separate pictures (my mom with my siblings, mom with just the couple, dad & his wife with just the couple, and dad & his wife with my siblings).

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    cosenti7
  • Thanks everyone for the ideas and advice.
    @speakeasy14 , This sounds exactly like what I plan to do. No pictures together because no one is bound to look thrilled to be standing side by side. I'm hoping that the walking will be enough for stepmom and dad and not enough to piss off mom.
    speakeasy14
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