BYOB...Reaaaalllly?

Zhabeego

We will be attending a wedding in the near future and my SO is a groomsman. I just found out today that not only am I excluded from attending the rehearsal (Wedding Party only!" ) But that that the rehearsal dinner is BYOB. So Thanks a lot Bride and Groom! I guess it's not enough that we're taking two days vacation to travel to your wedding, shelling out for three nights at a hotel, the super expensive tux, a sitter and gift, but now we have to buy out own drinks too? At the dinner that's supposed to be thanking us? Oh, and the cherry on top,is we're supposed to help set up and clean up too! And the cherry on top of that cherry? The Brides parents are paying for the wedding and the grooms parents are paying for the rehearsal and they STILL cheaped out. This couple attended our wedding several years ago. The wedding we paid for entirely on our own including open bar, catered rehearsal, forbade our wedding party from buying us gifts and didn't use them and their partners as unpaid servants. Take a note cheap, tacky bridal couples - your guests think you suck. Because you do.

Ndelible

Maybe the family is anti- alcohol? Ah, forget it; I got nothing...

Zhabeego

I always love the cheapskate excuse of not wanting your guests to get drunk being used to make them buy their own drinks. Because you can't get drunk on alchohol you buy yourself?

BrandNewJ

They want their guests to get drunk, just not on their dime or time. Klassy.

mrsmagicgeek

Maybe the bride will cry if someone drinks near her.

southernbelle0915

If I were your FI, I'd make a quick appearance at the RD and then leave. Obviously they want to save all the money they can so there's one less meal. I never understand when ppl think they don't need to invite spouses or SOs. Ugh. The BYOB thing is obviously real crass.

ETA: I'd take the BYOB money right from their gift budget. That's what you get when you suck at hosting.

RebeccaFlower

I think your FI should decline the dinner. Certainly attend the rehearsal, but duck out after telling them that it's not really cool to be celebrating another couples love when mine is sitting alone in a hotel.

climbingsingle

So, you're not invited to the RD but you're expected to set up and clean up after? Am I reading that right???

Liatris2010

I wouldn't attend the rehearsal or the dinner. Then you can cancel one of the nights at the hotel and save some money there. I really hate the expectation that the wedding party shells out tons of money (attire, lodging, gifts, hosting parties) and time but the B & G can't spare the expense of feeding them while they meet their WP "obligations".

PhoneCardLady

Why do people  think that RD's are important?  I can say the same thing about STD's.  To me they are a waste of money (that the wedding industry thinks is important part of the wedding planning process) that could but used elsewhere for the wedding, or saving it toward the honeymoon.

lurkergirl

PhoneCardLady said:

Why do people  think that RD's are important?  I can say the same thing about STD's.  To me they are a waste of money (that the wedding industry thinks is important part of the wedding planning process) that could but used elsewhere for the wedding, or saving it toward the honeymoon.

Well, if you're having a rehearsal with other people there, I do think you need to host them for dinner.  However, it does NOT have to be the entire wedding guest list or anything fancy.  Pizza and coke would be totally acceptable, as long as the hosts are paying!

Also, rehearsals themselves are not always necessary.  I think certain venues require them, or if you have anything complicated going on it might be needed, but generally I think we can all handle walking down an aisle.

levioosa

Liatris2010 said:

I wouldn't attend the rehearsal or the dinner. Then you can cancel one of the nights at the hotel and save some money there. I really hate the expectation that the wedding party shells out tons of money (attire, lodging, gifts, hosting parties) and time but the B & G can't spare the expense of feeding them while they meet their WP "obligations".

If it's a nice location and they want to have a date weekend, decline the rehearsal and the RD and have a great date night instead!  If you don't want to be that snarky, then your SO can attend the rehearsal and then decline the RD and let them know why.  Go out to dinner, enjoy yourselves, and then conveniently only show up on time and dressed for the wedding itself.  This couple is ridiculous. 

Zhabeego

Yes, that's right - I'm invited to the dinner but not the actual rehearsal. And you know what? That don't have to provide alchohol - I'm fine with that and would actually prefer it to the " we want to party, just on your dime!" attitude. I'd love to take the money right out of the gift but my SO is buying it and I know he will be generous. Seriously, this couple isn't hurting for money and their wedding is being paid for! What in the actual fuck. Why would anyone think this is okay?

lc07

Zhabeego said:

We will be attending a wedding in the near future and my SO is a groomsman. I just found out today that not only am I excluded from attending the rehearsal (Wedding Party only!" ) But that that the rehearsal dinner is BYOB. So Thanks a lot Bride and Groom! I guess it's not enough that we're taking two days vacation to travel to your wedding, shelling out for three nights at a hotel, the super expensive tux, a sitter and gift, but now we have to buy out own drinks too? At the dinner that's supposed to be thanking us? Oh, and the cherry on top,is we're supposed to help set up and clean up too! And the cherry on top of that cherry? The Brides parents are paying for the wedding and the grooms parents are paying for the rehearsal and they STILL cheaped out. This couple attended our wedding several years ago. The wedding we paid for entirely on our own including open bar, catered rehearsal, forbade our wedding party from buying us gifts and didn't use them and their partners as unpaid servants. Take a note cheap, tacky bridal couples - your guests think you suck. Because you do.

Eh, I wouldn't really care about not attending the actual rehearsal. I'm glad they invited you to the RD. BYOB was a little eye roll worthy but NBD to me.

Set up and clean up?? Fuck no.

holyguacamole79

OP, our wedding coordinator specifically asked that our wedding party not bring their SOS to the rehearsal because it goes by more quickly when the only people there are those actually participating.

 Also, I'm on board with being annoyed by the requests to clean up and stuff. But your anecdote about how they attended your nice wedding just sounds like you're trying to keep score.

Zhabeego

LOL. Let me guess, you're having a cash bar wedding? BYOB and cash bars are rude and tacky. Just accept it. Your guests will be "whining" about your shitty hospitality too.

Zhabeego

Your wedding coordinator wants to make her job easier. She's not concerned with being nice to your guests. It's not like I'm chomping at the bit to attend the rehearsal, it's just an inconvenient PITA for us logistics wise. Our hotel, the church and dinner venue are not close. It's just a lot of extra driving and means I'm either stuck at the hotel or dropped off at the dinner venue and no doubt roped into helping to set up (not happening). While I do think the cheery "wedding party only!" was rather rude, I could suck this up easily if it weren't for the BYOB and janitorial duties they're sticking us with. I'm not keeping score with my wedding. I was a a good host. And yeah, sue me - I want people who invite me to their events - particularly when I'm shelling out a a small fortune to do so - to be good hosts too and not ask me to pick up part of their bar tab, wash dishes and pick up trash. Attention Brides: You don't get to treat your friends, let alone their SO's, as your unpaid caterers and servants in the name of YOUR day. You don't get to delude yourself that they are the rude ones when they resent this. I had been looking forward to going and thought it would be a good party. Now I can't wait to get it over with.

lurkergirl

Zhabeego said:

LOL. Let me guess, you're having a cash bar wedding? BYOB and cash bars are rude and tacky. Just accept it. Your guests will be "whining" about your shitty hospitality too.

Who are you speaking to?  Nobody suggested that BYOB or cash bar were acceptable etiquette.  I think one person said it wasn't a big deal, but that isn't the same as thinking it's okay.

I get what you're saying about the logistics.  I was wondering if that was the case when I first read your post.  It would be nice if they could let SOs come and just hang out off to the side and out of the way for convenience, but you can't exactly make anyone do this, KWIM?

AddieCake

Zhabeego said:

LOL. Let me guess, you're having a cash bar wedding? BYOB and cash bars are rude and tacky. Just accept it. Your guests will be "whining" about your shitty hospitality too.

Are you speaking to Scribe with this? If so, I suggest you lurk more before assuming shit about the regs here, especially the ones who are board moderators. What she said to you in no way indicates a cash bar or BYOB at her wedding. 

And I agree with you about the logistics and janitorial stuff, but your attitude about your wedding vs theirs is distasteful and so is your judgment of their finances and who is paying for what and what they can and cannot afford. You may think they are tacky, but calling them cheap is pretty tacky on your end as well. 

zitiqueen

Zhabeego said:

Your wedding coordinator wants to make her job easier. She's not concerned with being nice to your guests. It's not like I'm chomping at the bit to attend the rehearsal, it's just an inconvenient PITA for us logistics wise. Our hotel, the church and dinner venue are not close. It's just a lot of extra driving and means I'm either stuck at the hotel or dropped off at the dinner venue and no doubt roped into helping to set up (not happening). While I do think the cheery "wedding party only!" was rather rude, I could suck this up easily if it weren't for the BYOB and janitorial duties they're sticking us with. I'm not keeping score with my wedding. I was a a good host. And yeah, sue me - I want people who invite me to their events - particularly when I'm shelling out a a small fortune to do so - to be good hosts too and not ask me to pick up part of their bar tab, wash dishes and pick up trash. Attention Brides: You don't get to treat your friends, let alone their SO's, as your unpaid caterers and servants in the name of YOUR day. You don't get to delude yourself that they are the rude ones when they resent this. I had been looking forward to going and thought it would be a good party. Now I can't wait to get it over with.

misshart00

I feel like you've read a handful of posts on the board and are now trying to be one of the "cool ones" by coming here to rant.

Yeah, set up is bad and they shouldn't have said byob. But they don't have to provide alcohol.

AddieCake

misshart00 said:

I feel like you've read a handful of posts on the board and are now trying to be one of the "cool ones" by coming here to rant. Yeah, set up is bad and they shouldn't have said byob. But they don't have to provide alcohol.

Yes. I frequently feel this way about these types of "ZOMG look at these blunders!"posts. Most of them are all the same type of faux pas listed. I presently am invited to a wedding with a honeymoon registry and the "be present and in the moment" unplugged wedding wording on the website, but I'm not starting a thread to tell everyone about it because it's nothing people haven't seen a dozen times. I'm not trying to tell people what they can and cannot start threads about, but I just don't understand the need for the constant threads sharing the same old blunders all the time. Once in awhile, there is a new kind of crazy with them, but for the most part, it's just a list of the same etiquette mistakes showing up in everyone's mail.

wrigleyville

I've been invited to the RD but not the rehearsal itself, which is totally understandable since the rehearsal is just a quickie thing for the members of the wedding party. 

If H and I decide to take one car, I just sit in the car with a book. Rehearsals don't take long, maybe 15-20 minutes. It's not a big deal. Seriously.

OliveOilsMom

Agree with PP, you seem to be making a bigger deal about this than you have to.  No way would I be helping to set up, unless I wanted to help set up.  Can't you drop your H off at the R and then he can catch a ride to RD with someone else?  Maybe even catch a ride to the R from the hotel, if other WP members will be staying there.

holyguacamole79

Zhabeego said:

Your wedding coordinator wants to make her job easier. She's not concerned with being nice to your guests. It's not like I'm chomping at the bit to attend the rehearsal, it's just an inconvenient PITA for us logistics wise. Our hotel, the church and dinner venue are not close. It's just a lot of extra driving and means I'm either stuck at the hotel or dropped off at the dinner venue and no doubt roped into helping to set up (not happening). While I do think the cheery "wedding party only!" was rather rude, I could suck this up easily if it weren't for the BYOB and janitorial duties they're sticking us with. I'm not keeping score with my wedding. I was a a good host. And yeah, sue me - I want people who invite me to their events - particularly when I'm shelling out a a small fortune to do so - to be good hosts too and not ask me to pick up part of their bar tab, wash dishes and pick up trash. Attention Brides: You don't get to treat your friends, let alone their SO's, as your unpaid caterers and servants in the name of YOUR day. You don't get to delude yourself that they are the rude ones when they resent this. I had been looking forward to going and thought it would be a good party. Now I can't wait to get it over with.

As someone who has been a wedding coordinator in the past, you're damn right she wants to make her job easier.  One wedding I coordinated had 6 bridesmaids and 6 groomsmen, plus their SOs, plus the ring bearers and flower girls.  It's frustrating trying to talk over people and we only had 30 minutes in the church before the next wedding showed up for their rehearsal.

The rehearsal is not an event you need to be invited to unless you are involved in the wedding.  Get over it.  

The last RD I attended was dry.  The grooms parents hosted it and they are Baptist and don't drink.  Was I disappointed?  Sure.  Do I think they are cheap?  Nope.

What if the bride has a bikini wax the day before the wedding.  Do you expect to be invited to that event, too?

Zhabeego

To clarify once more, because I've already said it once, I don't care and wouldn't judge a no alcohol RD. I resent the fact that they want alcohol there but are asking their wedding party to provide it. They can afford to provide it but even if they couldn't, then serve soft drinks and lemonade - don't ask your guests to buy it for you. And also don't ask them to clean up. I'm going to try my best to duck out early. I sense a headache coming on.

AddieCake

But they aren't asking the wedding party to buy it for them. They are saying they can bring it if they want it for themselves. I don't see that as the bride and groom "wanting alcohol there." They aren't saying, "And please bring alcohol for us" by making the event BYOB.

chibiyui

Yeah, BYOB means bring your own, not bring for every body else.

It's not etiquette, but it's not a terrible offense either. The clean up detail is much worse.

MGP

chibiyui said:

Yeah, BYOB means bring your own, not bring for every body else. It's not etiquette, but it's not a terrible offense either. The clean up detail is much worse.

Bringing your own alcohol IS buying your own drinks, which is the same as what you would do at a cash bar, so yes it it a terrible offense.

We preach on these boards that you don't host what you can't afford.  How is this any different?

slothiegal

scribe95 said:

Okay, you are being over the top and ridiculous. There is no reason for you to be at the rehearsal. You are not in the wedding. 

You are invited to the rehearsal dinner - as you should be - and now you are whining about how they are cheap skates because there is no alcohol. How rude. They are hosting properly and it's not your position to know their finances and be mad that they aren't doing enough. If you don't want to attend, please don't. Especially with your attitude.

Agreed.  Why would you even WANT to go to the rehearsal?  There's no reason for you to do so.  You're invited to the dinner to be with your SO, which is perfectly acceptable.

PrettyGirlLost

RebeccaFlower said:

I think your FI should decline the dinner. Certainly attend the rehearsal, but duck out after telling them that it's not really cool to be celebrating another couples love when mine is sitting alone in a hotel.

^This.  I'd never leave my FI sitting around alone in a hotel, especially not to spend the evening with cheap and rude people.

I'd also not be helping to set up and tear down.  Hire fucking ppl to do that, sheesh!

ETA: Oh, the OP is invited to the RD just not the rehearsal.  What is your problem, then?!  Why on earth would you be upset at not being invited to sit around for an hour and watch adults practice walking and standing?  Count your blessings, woman!

Having a dry RD is fine.  Making the guests you are supposed to be hosting pay for their drinks is tacky.  And requiring your WP to help set up and clean up when you should have hired ppl is shitty and tacky.