Moms and Maids

MOB help needed

A year and a half of wedding planning has gone relatively smoothly...until now. My mother has become more and more gradually very upset about certain details about the wedding, and I don't know what to do. Previously and repeatedly, she expressed how she is extremely unhappy about the shoes I have purchased and am (hopefully) wearing, my friend who is walking me down the aisle. Today, about a week before the wedding, she is very angry about where "her" guests are seated for the reception

In short, she has been relatively hands off with all of the planning-we picked and paid for flowers, DJ, photographer, invites, other décor, etc. and asked her to join us in the decision making process along the way if she wanted to (some MOBs are into this, some aren't) and she declined. She will be (has already, by means of gradual deposit) very generously paid for the cost of food and drink at the reception (a very significant cost and we realize we are very, very lucky that she is doing this for us). She did make the choices regarding food, wine, and total number of guests invited including how many of "her guests" would be invited/attending. We have covered the cost of the remainder of the reception details and again she declined to be involved and/or did not show up for meeting to make choices regarding flowers, "must have photos" etc. Not too big of a deal.

I've written emails, taken her out to lunch twice, and in multiple phone calls tried to explain my decision regarding the shoes and who is walking me down, and today she unloaded about how she is taking back control and it is her privilege and right to have things go her way especially regarding walking me down the aisle and the seating chart. As with all of the other details that I took care of, we told her the seating chart was finished and ready for her to look at. With over 200 people attending, all she wants to do is choose where "her" family (I'm close with them too so I'm not sure where this new term has come from) and friends are seated (this would account for about 1/3 of the guest list), but would not take into account where everyone else is seated (some of the tables have to be blended, as in some of my friends or his family will have to sit with hers to fill in the holes). I offered to show her the chart we created and she declined. When doing the chart, we did take into great consideration who gets along with who, making sure everyone is sitting with someone they know, and proximity to dance floor/bathroom/sweetheart table/bar and I was adamant with my mother that I was trying my best to take care of everyone of our guests so they have the best time as possible. I told her that I would like to show her my spreadsheet as a start, and that we could move people around if there are any conflicts. She declined this solution. One thing that is unusual with all this is that she does not have a current copy of the guest list, as we handled all of the invitations and RSVP organization because she did not want to so she has no idea who is even coming to the wedding!!!! Today is honestly the first time she ever mentioned wanting to do/help with the seating chart, and the wedding is about a week away! Her anger is similar regarding my friend walking me down the aisle, and what shoes I will be wearing to walk down. The solutions I offered to her are that both she and my friend could walk me down together (she declined this and said it would make her look emotionally unstable because it would show everyone that she can't do it herself?!) and I did purchase an alternate (more conservative) pair of shoes to wear which she also stated she hated at my final fitting which was last week.

I feel so frustrated as I have done all of the other details without her input (except for the things she is paying for, and she rightly got to make the decisions about), and all of the attempted reasoning, compromising and pleading with her has gotten me nowhere. What should I do ladies? The hands that pays gets the say, but how far does that extend?

Re: MOB help needed

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    A year and a half of wedding planning has gone relatively smoothly...until now. My mother has become more and more gradually very upset about certain details about the wedding, and I don't know what to do. Previously and repeatedly, she expressed how she is extremely unhappy about the shoes I have purchased and am (hopefully) wearing, my friend who is walking me down the aisle. Today, about a week before the wedding, she is very angry about where "her" guests are seated for the reception

    In short, she has been relatively hands off with all of the planning-we picked and paid for flowers, DJ, photographer, invites, other décor, etc. and asked her to join us in the decision making process along the way if she wanted to (some MOBs are into this, some aren't) and she declined. She will be (has already, by means of gradual deposit) very generously paid for the cost of food and drink at the reception (a very significant cost and we realize we are very, very lucky that she is doing this for us). She did make the choices regarding food, wine, and total number of guests invited including how many of "her guests" would be invited/attending. We have covered the cost of the remainder of the reception details and again she declined to be involved and/or did not show up for meeting to make choices regarding flowers, "must have photos" etc. Not too big of a deal.

    I've written emails, taken her out to lunch twice, and in multiple phone calls tried to explain my decision regarding the shoes and who is walking me down, and today she unloaded about how she is taking back control and it is her privilege and right to have things go her way especially regarding walking me down the aisle and the seating chart. As with all of the other details that I took care of, we told her the seating chart was finished and ready for her to look at. With over 200 people attending, all she wants to do is choose where "her" family (I'm close with them too so I'm not sure where this new term has come from) and friends are seated (this would account for about 1/3 of the guest list), but would not take into account where everyone else is seated (some of the tables have to be blended, as in some of my friends or his family will have to sit with hers to fill in the holes). I offered to show her the chart we created and she declined. When doing the chart, we did take into great consideration who gets along with who, making sure everyone is sitting with someone they know, and proximity to dance floor/bathroom/sweetheart table/bar and I was adamant with my mother that I was trying my best to take care of everyone of our guests so they have the best time as possible. I told her that I would like to show her my spreadsheet as a start, and that we could move people around if there are any conflicts. She declined this solution. One thing that is unusual with all this is that she does not have a current copy of the guest list, as we handled all of the invitations and RSVP organization because she did not want to so she has no idea who is even coming to the wedding!!!! Today is honestly the first time she ever mentioned wanting to do/help with the seating chart, and the wedding is about a week away! Her anger is similar regarding my friend walking me down the aisle, and what shoes I will be wearing to walk down. The solutions I offered to her are that both she and my friend could walk me down together (she declined this and said it would make her look emotionally unstable because it would show everyone that she can't do it herself?!) and I did purchase an alternate (more conservative) pair of shoes to wear which she also stated she hated at my final fitting which was last week.

    I feel so frustrated as I have done all of the other details without her input (except for the things she is paying for, and she rightly got to make the decisions about), and all of the attempted reasoning, compromising and pleading with her has gotten me nowhere. What should I do ladies? The hands that pays gets the say, but how far does that extend?

    As for your shoes and who walks you down the aisle, that is your decision not hers so feign deafness whenever she brings those subjects up.

    As for where "her" guests sit, I can see her wanting say in that since she is paying for some parts of the wedding.  Since you already offered to have her look at what you have and get her opinions/comments/changes and she declined that I am not sure what else you are supposed to do. And I am not sure what she is expecting. 

    So at this point I would go with what you have and just hope that it is the fact that since the wedding is so close is why she is acting the way she is.

    bahamabride2015
  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited September 2014
    I agree with Maggie. Your shoes are your decision. Your mom gets no say in them, provided you are not asking her to purchase them. Just because I love shoes and agonized over mine, what are you wearing? Has your mom been specific about what she doesn't like about them? If you are interested in trying to compromise with your mom (and you don't have too), could you wear a pair she likes to the ceremony and your pair to the reception, or vice versa?

    Maggie's also right that the person walking you down the aisle is your decision. Again, though, if you are willing to placate your mom, you could have both her and your friend escort you. Or your friend could escort you and your mom could be standing at the end of the aisle to greet you before you join you FI. There could be many ways she could participate in giving you away with your friend.

    I think the seating chart is just weird. I mean, she either looks at your plan and offers suggestions or... Not sure what she is aiming for. I'd try one more time to give her a chance to weigh in but be clear "Mom, we need to have the seating chart finished on X Date. If you'd like to look over the plan, why don't we have lunch on Y, and I'll walk you through what we have done. If that won't work for you, I won't be able to make any changes. I made sure to seat Aunt Mary with Cousin Suzy, and Neighbor Robby and Little Johnny are right by the dance floor."

    ETA: Why should there be paragraphs? ETA2: Found them!
    image
    Anniversary


  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    Since your mom has been hands off until now, I wonder if she is just having a case of last minute nerves. She realizes she hasn't done too much planning and probably isn't sure of how well you've organized things. Send her a copy of the seating plan in case she wants to rearrange her tables, only.

    The shoe thing is bizarre, though. Just tell her you're taking care of the shoes and then wear the shoes you have purchased already.

    Tell your mom to relax and enjoy being the MOB. That means she gets the last escort down the aisle, before the processional starts.

                       
  • I know I've said this on some other board, somewhere, but in a Jewish processional, both parents escort the bride and groom down the aisle.  Have you asked her if she wants to walk with you.  I will tell you that I do cherish the memory of that moment with our daughter.  As for shoes, not sure about that.  When my daughter got hers, I found the pair, she did not love them on sight.  We took them with the idea of holding the receipt so she could return them if she found a better pair.  Maybe mom wanted to be part of this shopping trip and she hates that she was not more than she really hates the shoes.  If you are open to it, try a shoe shopping trip with her, maybe you could change shoes during the celebration. Seating charts are a trauma, not sure why she wants to dip her toe in that pool.  To me, this all sounds like mom is feeling "This is all going too fast and I am losing my baby" and is starting to protect herself from a sad "empty nest" even if you have not lived with her for a long time.  
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    DiItto scribe95.

    I wonder why you didn't ask your mom to walk you down the aisle. She has been generous in paying for things and allowing you to make the decisions.

    Also, just out of curiosity, I'd love to see the shoes that are causing so much grief ; )

                       
  • DiItto scribe95.

    I wonder why you didn't ask your mom to walk you down the aisle. She has been generous in paying for things and allowing you to make the decisions.

    Also, just out of curiosity, I'd love to see the shoes that are causing so much grief ; )

    This on both subjects.
    image

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  • jynxiie said:

    DiItto scribe95.

    I wonder why you didn't ask your mom to walk you down the aisle. She has been generous in paying for things and allowing you to make the decisions.

    Also, just out of curiosity, I'd love to see the shoes that are causing so much grief ; )

    This on both subjects.
    Yes, please!

    I've been on a shoe shopping rampage for these darn things and I finally bought them over the weekend.

    They're purple. My mom and sister are going to be pissed because they felt like I needed the matching white/sparkle shoes.

    ...but they can't be mad at me on wedding day, right?
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    MairePoppy
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