Hi, Again.

ashley8918

misshart00 said:

chibiyui said:

So like, when I want to read a cheesy ass shoujo manga, I have a weak spot for ones that feature age differences, specifically teacher/student relationships, cause-I-thought-it-was-hot-don't-judge-me. 

Anyway. 

I get the fantasy of an older man, they're more mature, more stable (usually) charming, sexier, etc. Especially when I was a teen, cause damn my peers were not worth banging. As I've grown older, I realize how much bullshit a lot of that myth is. The power balance between a teenager and a 20 some year old is crazy tilted toward the 20 something. That is not an equal relationship. 

Don't get me wrong, there are some great guys out there that end up dating/marrying much younger women, they are the exception. The fact is, if you met your FI when you were (being generous) 16-17 and he was (being generous) 25, there is a world of difference between where the two of you were emotionally, mentally, everything!. Holy shit Doey, you're still growing up! The amount of change I went through from 23 to 25 alone, was huge! Let alone the change from being a teenager to an adult. 

Also, let me tell you. your early 20's can be a blast! I really grew a lot, tried new things, made friends and discovered a lot about myself during that time. Don't let it pass you by worrying about whether or not your FI is looking at boobies online and doesn't want to touch yours. Give yourself some space, live a little, and give yourself some options. Don't resign yourself to your current path just cause it's familiar.

@misshart00, I'm sorry I offended you, but all of this ^^ is exactly what I meant. 31+ (because she didn't specify how far into his thirties he is, which does tend to make me think 35 or more, but that is admittedly jumping to conclusions) does not belong with 21 and under. It's just too much difference in terms of brain/life development.

So you're saying that my marriage is basically doomed to fail because of my young marriage age and our age difference?

I'd also like to know the answer to this.

KatieinBkln

I think the pedophilia accusations are off-base here. Based on what Doey has told us about her FI's disabilities, I have a feeling it's more that he himself has never really matured past a very young age himself. Does that make it okay for a disabled, immature 25-year-old (for example) to date a 15-year-old? Probably not! But I don't think that makes it pedophilia, and bandying that accusation about is really harmful. And I agree with @paperpusher that at a certain point, the piling on may very well alienate Doey from all of us--is that what we want? It's not what I want. I want many good things for her, and I'm heartbroken that she doesn't seem to have the support group she needs in real life to help her go and grab her happiness. What I don't want is to see her fade away from the support group she has here, which, based on what she's told us, is the only place that she feels she can be honest and the only place where she's getting any kind of feedback at all that reinforces her own autonomy and self-esteem. I think it's fair if people are frustrated, or even if they think that offering more advice is feeding into something wacky in Doey's psyche. But let's not run her off the damn farm, okay? Please?

misshart00

KatieinBkln said:

I think the pedophilia accusations are off-base here. Based on what Doey has told us about her FI's disabilities, I have a feeling it's more that he himself has never really matured past a very young age himself. Does that make it okay for a disabled, immature 25-year-old (for example) to date a 15-year-old? Probably not! But I don't think that makes it pedophilia, and bandying that accusation about is really harmful.

And I agree with @paperpusher that at a certain point, the piling on may very well alienate Doey from all of us--is that what we want? It's not what I want. I want many good things for her, and I'm heartbroken that she doesn't seem to have the support group she needs in real life to help her go and grab her happiness. What I don't want is to see her fade away from the support group she has here, which, based on what she's told us, is the only place that she feels she can be honest and the only place where she's getting any kind of feedback at all that reinforces her own autonomy and self-esteem. I think it's fair if people are frustrated, or even if they think that offering more advice is feeding into something wacky in Doey's psyche. But let's not run her off the damn farm, okay? Please?

I agree with this. Yes, I think it's highly inappropriate for a 25 year old to date a 15 year old, but his disability may have something to do with it.

doeydo

lolo883 said:

LDay2014 said:

@doeydo‌ you mentioned earlier that you had some misbehavior issues in high school due to some abuse from your dad. Do you think that staying with an older FI who doesn't give you the most in respect and partnership might be the manifestation of your relationship with your dad?  Quite a possibility.  

Or have you ever had a normal, healthy, functioning relationship to look up to?  My grandparents' relationship, maybe, except for my grandpa gets angry easily and is kind of a jerk when he is.  And he also checks out women extremely obviously in front of my grandma (ie. in home videos he will veer the camera off to some ladies in bikinis). Have you even seen what they're supposed to look like? I'm guessing movies don't count?  JK.  I'm being completely serious here. Your dad was a piece of shit, and your parents had a fucked up relationship, you started dating a man who has severe, ehrm, limitations in areas that would make someone good relationship material while you were still a child, impressionable and probably more than a little broken. I know that you say you love each other but I honestly don't feel like you have enough positive, appropriate life experience at this point to know what that means and I think that's why you have such a hard time leaving. Hell, I wasn't abused and I didn't really know what love meant at 21.

theartistformerlyknownas

doeydo said:

lolo883 said:

LDay2014 said:

@doeydo‌ you mentioned earlier that you had some misbehavior issues in high school due to some abuse from your dad. Do you think that staying with an older FI who doesn't give you the most in respect and partnership might be the manifestation of your relationship with your dad?  Quite a possibility.  

Or have you ever had a normal, healthy, functioning relationship to look up to?  My grandparents' relationship, maybe, except for my grandpa gets angry easily and is kind of a jerk when he is.  And he also checks out women extremely obviously in front of my grandma (ie. in home videos he will veer the camera off to some ladies in bikinis). Have you even seen what they're supposed to look like? I'm guessing movies don't count?  JK.  I'm being completely serious here. Your dad was a piece of shit, and your parents had a fucked up relationship, you started dating a man who has severe, ehrm, limitations in areas that would make someone good relationship material while you were still a child, impressionable and probably more than a little broken. I know that you say you love each other but I honestly don't feel like you have enough positive, appropriate life experience at this point to know what that means and I think that's why you have such a hard time leaving. Hell, I wasn't abused and I didn't really know what love meant at 21.

Then that's a no, darlin. Movies don't count. Anybody can look like they have an awesome relationship for 120 minutes.

theycallmelinz

lolo883 said:

doeydo said:

lolo883 said:

LDay2014 said:

@doeydo‌ you mentioned earlier that you had some misbehavior issues in high school due to some abuse from your dad. Do you think that staying with an older FI who doesn't give you the most in respect and partnership might be the manifestation of your relationship with your dad?  Quite a possibility.  

Or have you ever had a normal, healthy, functioning relationship to look up to?  My grandparents' relationship, maybe, except for my grandpa gets angry easily and is kind of a jerk when he is.  And he also checks out women extremely obviously in front of my grandma (ie. in home videos he will veer the camera off to some ladies in bikinis). Have you even seen what they're supposed to look like? I'm guessing movies don't count?  JK.  I'm being completely serious here. Your dad was a piece of shit, and your parents had a fucked up relationship, you started dating a man who has severe, ehrm, limitations in areas that would make someone good relationship material while you were still a child, impressionable and probably more than a little broken. I know that you say you love each other but I honestly don't feel like you have enough positive, appropriate life experience at this point to know what that means and I think that's why you have such a hard time leaving. Hell, I wasn't abused and I didn't really know what love meant at 21.

Then that's a no, darlin. Movies don't count. Anybody can look like they have an awesome relationship for 120 minutes.

@doey Have you ever thought about just taking a break from this relationship for a while? (I'm sorry if this has already been mentioned, I don't remember seeing it). I'm not saying end things for good, forever. I'm simply saying take a break from it, an actual break where you don't speak to him, and give yourself some time on your own. This is what your 20s are for, finding yourself. Give yourself a chance to stand on your own two feet before you rely completely on someone else, and find out what works best for YOU in a relationship. This could even give him the chance to grow. At the end of this if you want to be together fine, or if you decide you want something different, that's fine too. I'm just saying give yourself a chance, because things won't get better like this. Something has to be different or change in order for other changes to happen. I really wish you'd at least consider this.

OliveOilsMom

doeydo said:

lolo883 said:

LDay2014 said:

@doeydo‌ you mentioned earlier that you had some misbehavior issues in high school due to some abuse from your dad. Do you think that staying with an older FI who doesn't give you the most in respect and partnership might be the manifestation of your relationship with your dad?  Quite a possibility.  

Or have you ever had a normal, healthy, functioning relationship to look up to?  My grandparents' relationship, maybe, except for my grandpa gets angry easily and is kind of a jerk when he is.  And he also checks out women extremely obviously in front of my grandma (ie. in home videos he will veer the camera off to some ladies in bikinis). Have you even seen what they're supposed to look like? I'm guessing movies don't count?  JK.  I'm being completely serious here. Your dad was a piece of shit, and your parents had a fucked up relationship, you started dating a man who has severe, ehrm, limitations in areas that would make someone good relationship material while you were still a child, impressionable and probably more than a little broken. I know that you say you love each other but I honestly don't feel like you have enough positive, appropriate life experience at this point to know what that means and I think that's why you have such a hard time leaving. Hell, I wasn't abused and I didn't really know what love meant at 21.

I can't bold, but the fact that you think its possible your relationship is a manifestation of the one with your dad, shows that you did not receive enough counseling from the horror your dad put you through. Did you end up getting your own counselor? You said you would get a separate one from your couples counselor. If you have not yet, tell your solo counselor about the stuff your dad did. They need to help you with that before they help you sort out your current relationship because it looks like they are intertwined.

lyndausvi

I'm going to close this thread.   I feel at this point it's just pilling on and not really helping her.