Big Guest List- "pre-RSVP"?

Knottie9640671

Hi All,

I've been engaged for a little less than 2 weeks.  Due to a limited number of reception venues in the area, I'm under pressure to find something ASAP.  I am from a large family (mom has 9 siblings spread alllllll over the US).  At present, our guest list is sitting at 456 people (including a fair number of kids). Although our wedding date is not definite, because I'm set on choosing a venue I like first, I am 95% certain it will be September-December 2015 meaning during the school year.  

Is it wrong for me to pre-poll my family members about whether they will come or not without any details in place?  I would really really like to factor that into my choice of venue.  My fear is that I will invite 450-500 people and plan for that at a reception venue and only have 200 responses. 

Has anyone else had to deal with similar situations?  Advice please!!

RebeccaFlower

Knottie9640671 said:

Hi All,

I've been engaged for a little less than 2 weeks.  Due to a limited number of reception venues in the area, I'm under pressure to find something ASAP.  I am from a large family (mom has 9 siblings spread alllllll over the US).  At present, our guest list is sitting at 456 people (including a fair number of kids). Although our wedding date is not definite, because I'm set on choosing a venue I like first, I am 95% certain it will be September-December 2015 meaning during the school year.  

Is it wrong for me to pre-poll my family members about whether they will come or not without any details in place?  I would really really like to factor that into my choice of venue.  My fear is that I will invite 450-500 people and plan for that at a reception venue and only have 200 responses. 

Has anyone else had to deal with similar situations?  Advice please!!

Don't do this. It's odd and people's plans change. 

Just plan an event you can host properly and afford. These message boards can help you our immensiely. 

thisismynickname2

Are all the family members aware of your engagement? Can you gauge their interest at all by the nature of the responses (radio silence versus "can't wait!!")?  That's probably about all you can do.

For families that large, if you know for sure you can't manage 400+ people, plan now to just invite in circles. For example, invite your aunts, uncles, and first cousins only. You can exclude children.  Excluding children will probably cut down on the amount of people who travel from out of town.  Try to keep chit-chat about wedding plans with extended family to a minimum.

Set your VIP list and really want lists now, and use that for finding a venue.  

Knottie9640671

Thanks for your input. Unfortunately, due to most of the list being family, lowering the number of invitees is not an option. My mom tells me everyday that the only way to do things is big!  I'm guessing there will be a fair number of people that do not attend due to not wanting to take their children out of school to travel.

Maggie0829

Knottie9640671 said:

Thanks for your input. Unfortunately, due to most of the list being family, lowering the number of invitees is not an option. My mom tells me everyday that the only way to do things is big!  I'm guessing there will be a fair number of people that do not attend due to not wanting to take their children out of school to travel.

Just make sure that you plan for 100% attendance, meaning find a venue that can hold all 456 of your possible guests PLUS your vendors.  Don't plan your wedding expecting X number of people to not come because it is during the school year and certainly don't pick a venue that can't hold everyone.  There have been horror stories of brides having a too small venue because they expected only X people to come out of their Y person guest list.

Knottie9640671

I would be on board with excluding the first cousin's children.  But, most first cousins wouldn't have someone to leave their children with for a weekend in order for them to travel.  So, in my mind, the best way to get everyone here is to include the kids.  

Everyone is aware of the engagement.  No one has said much about attending vs. not attending.  My impression is that no one wants to say one or way or the other until they know details and can determine travel costs.   

I've had my heart set on re-creating a big family photo from my parents' wedding reception since I was a little girl. It's really the only wedding detail that I've ever "dreamed about"  I'm already telling myself its not likely to happen.  Oh well.

Knottie9640671

Had the "too small" venue happen to a friend!  Definitely planning on a space for the entire guest list.  Just worried about looking foolish for having hardly any people in a HUGE room. 

[Deleted User]

Ugh I am not jealous of you. That would send me into a panic attack to have to invite that many people. Good luck to you!!! And I'd think about hiring a party planner is my only tip )

holyguacamole79

Are your parents paying for this? If not, then mom needs to adjust her expectations.

LittlePeachBlossom

Yes, it's wrong to pre-poll your guest list. Everyone will expect to be invited. You should cut your guest list drastically. It's too large if you think you'll have a 50% decline rate. Go over your guest list and check off those you MUST have at your wedding such as immediate family and close friends. Then expand to would those you'd really love there. If this is over 200, stop there. If you are willing to invite more, continue with those you'd like to have. So in short... Must, Love, Like. If you still have 500ppl, then invite 500ppl and be prepared to host 500 guests.

Knottie9640671

My parents are definitely helping with it. But I don't know that they are paying for everything. The first order of business was to get the guest list together for a rough number.  Still waiting on one of my fiancé's parents before finalizing. The budget is step 2.  We weren't sure how many to expect from my fiancé's family and that obviously is going to play into the budget.

Knottie9640671

My aunts, uncles, cousins & offspring is 188. They are all on the must list.  Just how my family rolls, and I don't have any control over that.  Would have been easier 15 years ago when my cousins didn't all have kids but that's life.  My part of the guest list is pretty trim from there on out.  My fiancé has divorced parents so then there are 4 families to consider.  If everyone does come, my family will outnumber his 3:1.  

Why do I always feel like I'm being attacked on here?  Constantly on the defense but I can't help my big family...

misshart00

I don't see anyone attacking you. Yes you have a large family but if you haven't seen some of them in years, you don't have to invite them. And if you so, make sure to have a space big enough. I understand. I had a guest list of 400.

Maggie0829

Knottie9640671 said:

I would be on board with excluding the first cousin's children.  But, most first cousins wouldn't have someone to leave their children with for a weekend in order for them to travel.  So, in my mind, the best way to get everyone here is to include the kids.  

Everyone is aware of the engagement.  No one has said much about attending vs. not attending.  My impression is that no one wants to say one or way or the other until they know details and can determine travel costs.   

I've had my heart set on re-creating a big family photo from my parents' wedding reception since I was a little girl. It's really the only wedding detail that I've ever "dreamed about"  I'm already telling myself its not likely to happen.  Oh well.

Probably because they don't want to be rude by assuming they are invited.

holyguacamole79

I don't think anyone is attacking you. We're just trying to help. DH had ~65 from his mom's side of the family, so I sympathize. And there was no way to invite one and not all. Here's what we did. We made a spreadsheet of our guest list and labeled everyone A, B, or C based on the importance of them being there. Once we finished, we counted the As, Bs, and Cs to get numbers. Based on what we could afford, we decided to only invite the As.

holyguacamole79

Also, we hope you stick around! Be sure to change your screen name from Knottie# to something we'll recognize.

LittlePeachBlossom

I don't see how you're being attacked either. As pp mentioned, we're just giving you our opinion using our perspective. If you must invite 500ppl, then invite 500ppl. You're not going to get a good response to your poll when you don't have any details. How are your guests going to respond adequately if they don't know the exact date and location of your wedding? Remember, invitations are sent out two months prior, and not a year out, for a reason.

Maggie0829

No one is attacking you.  But planning a wedding or any event for that matter for almost 500 people is crazy hard, involved and expensive.  If you have the time, energy and money to do it then go for it. But it is fine that people give you some insight and some options to possibly cut your guest list down.

NYCMercedes

Where were you attacked?

Knottie9640671

The wedding will be in my hometown (Midwest-ish), where all my aunts and uncles were raised.  However, many of them served in the military or as flight attendants and settled in other places.  I have 31 first cousins and many of them settled in other places than where they grew up.  On the whole, everyone is far flung.  A little over one-third of aunts/uncles/cousins are within an hour drive of my hometown.  Travel of 2.5 hours or more would be required of everyone else.  (Chicago, Atlanta, Denver, Phoenix, Seattle, Anchorage, Washington DC, and smaller towns here and there)  On average, I see the ones that live farther away every 2 years at a family reunion. Though some of them visit "home" more frequently.

My fiancés family and friends would be traveling about 90 minutes to get to the ceremony, but we will be moving closer in their direction for the reception.

[Deleted User]

I understand not being able to have wigge room on invites.. There are a few families I would not invite and my FI and I are paying for the wedding BUT we all at times make mom and dad happy and we are going to send invites... You said there isn't anyway to trim and you are clear on that so at least you know what to prepare for....

With that being said I think you'll have to figure out what that number is and plan for that. Sounds like you may not have many choices on a venue with that large of guest list. You could have your parents check with Aunt Sally and Grandma Pearl sometimes they know for sure a yes or no but even that can change. The only thing you can really do is plan to host that large of event.

Sorry if you thought people were being mean.... I think people are just trying to help you figure out how to reduce the size since you want a venue of your picking.. you may not have much of a choice if you have such a large wedding.

IrishPirate60

Knottie9640671 said:

My parents are definitely helping with it. But I don't know that they are paying for everything. The first order of business was to get the guest list together for a rough number.  Still waiting on one of my fiancé's parents before finalizing. The budget is step 2.  We weren't sure how many to expect from my fiancé's family and that obviously is going to play into the budget.

So I see a problem right here: Have your fiance's various parental units offered to pay for anything? Or do you just expect that they will?

holyguacamole79

Honestly, with DH's family being as large as it is, we had no "pre-polling" and had no issues.  Our wedding was in Feb 2013.  We got engaged in late May 2012 and started making a guest list and budget.  Once we knew the ballpark figure of our guest list, we started looking at venues.  We found a venue that we liked, was available on the day we needed (we had already reserved the church), and had capacity for our guests  (and then some).  Our save-the-dates were in the mail in early August. 

A LOT can happen in a year.  DH and I "met" online for the first time in Feb 2012 and were married the following February.  If you had asked me in Feb 2012 what I was doing a year from then, I would have said nothing.  Things change big time.

thisismynickname2

I'll also add then that if you do plan for over 400 people, you should probably find a venue that can be customized a bit if you have a lot of declines. (Like, if you have an outdoor wedding, maybe the tent size can be adjusted.)  Hotels have ballrooms that can have walls added or removed.  

I'd also recommend a venue and/or caterer that has generous wiggle-room for the commitment. If you invite 400, and 300 are coming, you shouldn't still be paying for 400. 

And.... how about a wedding planner? You're probably a good candidate for one, if that's in your budget.  

Ultimately, I think only you know who's likely to come and who isn't. Our out-of-town friends showed up to party; our out-of-town family (and even some in-town family) did not.  Since your family likes family reunions I'd guess you can bet on a much larger turnout if you invite them all. 

badbnagdway

The common wisdom is that the more out of town guests you invite, the lower the attendance percentage will be. Of course there are weddings with 100% attendance and there is the rub. The biggest component to make sure you have enough of is space if you are really going to invite 400+ people. You really need to find an event hall that will hold that many folks. If the venue has curtains or movable walls to make the space smaller if fewer people come that would be a huge plus. Things like food and booze can be scaled up or down within reason once you have RSVPs in. I think maybe you need to come up with a budget before you commit to inviting this many people. Even on a shoe string budget per person this is going to be expensive.

emcme22

IrishPirate60 said:

Knottie9640671 said:

My parents are definitely helping with it. But I don't know that they are paying for everything. The first order of business was to get the guest list together for a rough number.  Still waiting on one of my fiancé's parents before finalizing. The budget is step 2.  We weren't sure how many to expect from my fiancé's family and that obviously is going to play into the budget.

So I see a problem right here: Have your fiance's various parental units offered to pay for anything? Or do you just expect that they will?


I think she meant she was still waiting on one of her fiancé's parents for there list of people for the guest list since they are figuring that out first. Could be wrong though.

misshart00

emcmac87 said:

IrishPirate60 said:

Knottie9640671 said:

My parents are definitely helping with it. But I don't know that they are paying for everything. The first order of business was to get the guest list together for a rough number.  Still waiting on one of my fiancé's parents before finalizing. The budget is step 2.  We weren't sure how many to expect from my fiancé's family and that obviously is going to play into the budget.

So I see a problem right here: Have your fiance's various parental units offered to pay for anything? Or do you just expect that they will?

I think she meant she was still waiting on one of her fiancé's parents for there list of people for the guest list since they are figuring that out first. Could be wrong though.



This is what I thought as well.