Need help coping with my best friend turning me down

hugsy76103

Although I'd like to mention every detail of this situation, no one would probably read it because it being too long. My best friend lives in California, and I live in Pennsylvania. She came home this week to be a bridesmaid in a wedding this weekend, and I being engaged since February, couldn't wait until she came home so that I could officially asked her and my other bridesmaids to be a part of my day. I was able to ask her and most of the other girls Saturday night and everyone was so excited. My best friend calls me Sunday and now says she can't be in it, basically because she doesn't want to deal with the stress of being in another wedding. Last year we were both bridesmaids in a wedding together that she came home for, and she is home this weekend to be in one. While I understand what it takes to be a bridesmaid, because I've been one 4 times myself, I know it can take a lot more for an out-of-town bridesmaid. But this is my best friend. If I didn't have a sister, this girl would be the one I asked to be my MOH. I am so incredibly hurt and shocked that she just does not want to be a part of my day. Can anyone please offer me some advice? Like I said there is a little more to it, but I am just so sad and could really use some help.  Thank you.

beethery

Maybe she doesn't really like being a bridesmaid all that much. It's entirely possible.

My advice for you is to chill out about this. Your wedding is not as important to everyone as it is to you. Invite her as a guest, and that's all you can do.

Maggie0829

StefaniZurawski said:

Although I'd like to mention every detail of this situation, no one would probably read it because it being too long. My best friend lives in California, and I live in Pennsylvania. She came home this week to be a bridesmaid in a wedding this weekend, and I being engaged since February, couldn't wait until she came home so that I could officially asked her and my other bridesmaids to be a part of my day. I was able to ask her and most of the other girls Saturday night and everyone was so excited. My best friend calls me Sunday and now says she can't be in it, basically because she doesn't want to deal with the stress of being in another wedding. Last year we were both bridesmaids in a wedding together that she came home for, and she is home this weekend to be in one. While I understand what it takes to be a bridesmaid, because I've been one 4 times myself, I know it can take a lot more for an out-of-town bridesmaid. But this is my best friend. If I didn't have a sister, this girl would be the one I asked to be my MOH. I am so incredibly hurt and shocked that she just does not want to be a part of my day. Can anyone please offer me some advice? Like I said there is a little more to it, but I am just so sad and could really use some help.  Thank you.

The reason she gave you is a reasonable one.

Just because she does not want to be a BM again for your wedding does not mean that she isn't going to be a part of your day.  I am sure you are still inviting her as a guest and I am sure she will attend so in fact she will still be a part of your day.  She just doesn't want to be a BM which is perfectly fine.

My advice to you is let yourself sulk for a day about this and then move on.  Yeah it sucks and you have every right to feel down about it but she had every right to say no and you need to accept it.

JaxInBlue

Agree with PPs.  Give yourself a wallowing day and then really try to see that this doesn't seem to be about you personally but about the circumstances and timing of your wedding.  It's another out of town wedding for her and it's coming after two additional requests.  There might be some burn out on her part, both emotionally and in terms of her resources.

Not being a bridesmaid doesn't mean you can invite her to participate in your shower or in your bachelorette if people throw those parties for you.  And it doesn't rule out her perhaps playing another role.  Once you have more concrete ceremony plans, and when she might know better if she can attend, perhaps you could ask her to do a reading? 

Maggie0829

beethery said:

Maybe she doesn't really like being a bridesmaid all that much. It's entirely possible.

My advice for you is to chill out about this. Your wedding is not as important to everyone as it is to you. Invite her as a guest, and that's all you can do.

You can put me into that group.  I much prefer to be a guest at a wedding then actually be in it. Less money is needed to be spent, less of my time is used and the day of the wedding I can sleep in and take my time getting ready, have a blast at the wedding and then leave whenever I want.

ei34

I will validate your feelings- if this really is your best friend, I understand why you're hurt that she turned down your invitation to be a BM.  It stings.  But, she is 100% entitled to opt out.  I've turned down the invitation a couple of times myself- I much prefer to attend weddings as a guest.

levioosa

This is almost EXACTLY what is happening to me and my best friend right now, even down to the states you both live in.  

Last week she asked me about a destination wedding.  I told her I wouldn't be able to attend if she had it in the Caribbean.  Even making a trip to PA would be straining my school schedule (You're allowed to miss only 9 hours for the whole program).  

We're also both in a wedding right now that is a mess so I am super drained and not on board with more weddings at the moment (although I know hers will be different, I have Bridesmaid PTSD now).  

I understand how you are feeling.  From the other side, I am sure she hated telling you that, but she just wanted to be real with you and not lead you on (because best friends are honest with each other).  I've spent the last three months with a pit in my stomach trying to figure out how to tell her that her destination wedding would be impossible for me to attend.  It has seriously been keeping me up at night, because I love her and everything in me wants to be there for her.  I just can't financially swing it, and I can't swing it because of my school schedule.  I know it was hard for her to hear, but she needed to hear it.

This sucks.  For both of you.  It sucks hard core.  My advice?  Don't take it out on her in any way (passive aggressiveness, etc) because guaranteed she feels horrible about it too.  Continue being her best friend, continue asking how she is doing, and enjoy the time you have with her while she is in town.  If your friendship is as strong as you say it is, this is just a bump in the road and doesn't mean anything in the long run.  Has she been there for you when it really mattered?  That's what counts.  

holyguacamole79

I will also totally validate your feelings. That must bite. And I will validate hers. I almost declined being a bridesmaid for a wedding this past year. I had just gone through the stress of planning my own wedding and being a bridesmaid for another (all within the past year). The bride didn't know this when she asked me, but I had just found out that I required major surgery. The surgery ended up being 2 months before her wedding. Looking back, the wedding put a lot of stress on me, and I wish I had declined.

I can almost guarantee you that her decision wasn't about you, but her. Continue to be her BFF, be disappointed for a bit, and keep going.

holyguacamole79

Btw, op, change your screen name. Internet privacy is smart.

slothiegal

My rule of thumb for 99% of life situations is when you have something shitty happen (which, yeah, not having your BFF be in your wedding is a total bummer) is that you get 24 hours to be upset about it. Wallow about it, eat some ice cream, tell FI to make you something yummy for dinner so you can sulk and watch "I Love New York" while he cooks (my personal favorite coping mechanism).

After 24 hours? Cowboy up, chica. PP's have hit the nail on the head. You're allowed to feel sad. But then it's time to move on (there's lots of other stuff to do when it comes to wedding planning!).

ETA paragraphs...only took me eight edits to get them.

hugsy76103

Thank you all! I really appreciate your advice. Ice Cream and Grey's Anatomy binge tonight, back to wedding planning tomorrow.

southernbelle0915

I'm sorry this happened. I'm sure it hurts. What is being a BM like in your circle? It sounds like it involves more than just showing up on time in a certain dress. If it's normally a lot of BS party planning, crafting, major expenses, meetings, multi-day commitments, then I see where she's coming from. The BM "duties" promoted by the wedding industry really ruin what being a BM should be. Maybe you can just explain to her you don't want any of that.

plainjane0415

misspinxie18 said:

Although I'd like to mention every detail of this situation, no one would probably read it because it being too long. My best friend lives in California, and I live in Pennsylvania. She came home this week to be a bridesmaid in a wedding this weekend, and I being engaged since February, couldn't wait until she came home so that I could officially asked her and my other bridesmaids to be a part of my day. I was able to ask her and most of the other girls Saturday night and everyone was so excited. My best friend calls me Sunday and now says she can't be in it, basically because she doesn't want to deal with the stress of being in another wedding. Last year we were both bridesmaids in a wedding together that she came home for, and she is home this weekend to be in one. While I understand what it takes to be a bridesmaid, because I've been one 4 times myself, I know it can take a lot more for an out-of-town bridesmaid. But this is my best friend. If I didn't have a sister, this girl would be the one I asked to be my MOH. I am so incredibly hurt and shocked that she just does not want to be a part of my day. Can anyone please offer me some advice? Like I said there is a little more to it, but I am just so sad and could really use some help.  Thank you.

First, I'm sorry that your best friend turned down your offer to be in your wedding.  I know it has to be hard to hear, and it may take a few days to process.

Secondly,  Thank goodness your friend was able to be truly open and honest with you!  I'm positive that her decision is nothing personal towards you, and that she would like the opportunity to really enjoy your wedding.  And that is very understandable, and admirable I might add.

Story time.  In my circle there is a group of us, we have been in each others weddings because we have all been friends for so long... and there is one girl in our group, who I am convinced has made it her sole mission to sabotage every wedding we are all in together.  She has pretty much cut ties with all of our friends in our friend group that has gotten married (except me, because I'm not having attendants in my wedding) because of the passive aggressive stunts she has pulled to intentionally piss the bride off or other catastrophe's she has caused.  All because she doesn't have the courage to stand up and say "no, I'm going to have to decline your invitation to be a bridesmaid"  She would rather make everyone else miserable because being in weddings stress her out and she is miserable.  I'm not saying your friend would do this, I just wanted to share a story from someone who always accepts to be a bridesmaid and hates every second of it and really shows her a$$ in the end.

I would definitely be sad if I were in your shoes, but you also have to look at it from your friend's standpoint.  If she's not happy being in a wedding, and if it stresses her out, give her a pass.  Let her enjoy your wedding, and salvage the friendship.  Just because she isn't a bridesmaid doesn't make her any less of a friend.

holyguacamole79

misspinxie18 said:

Thank you all! I really appreciate your advice. Ice Cream and Grey's Anatomy binge tonight, back to wedding planning tomorrow.

In the words of Cristina Yang ... dance it out!

plainjane0415

Knottie43581280 said:

misspinxie18 said:

Although I'd like to mention every detail of this situation, no one would probably read it because it being too long. My best friend lives in California, and I live in Pennsylvania. She came home this week to be a bridesmaid in a wedding this weekend, and I being engaged since February, couldn't wait until she came home so that I could officially asked her and my other bridesmaids to be a part of my day. I was able to ask her and most of the other girls Saturday night and everyone was so excited. My best friend calls me Sunday and now says she can't be in it, basically because she doesn't want to deal with the stress of being in another wedding. Last year we were both bridesmaids in a wedding together that she came home for, and she is home this weekend to be in one. While I understand what it takes to be a bridesmaid, because I've been one 4 times myself, I know it can take a lot more for an out-of-town bridesmaid. But this is my best friend. If I didn't have a sister, this girl would be the one I asked to be my MOH. I am so incredibly hurt and shocked that she just does not want to be a part of my day. Can anyone please offer me some advice? Like I said there is a little more to it, but I am just so sad and could really use some help.  Thank you.

First, I'm sorry that your best friend turned down your offer to be in your wedding.  I know it has to be hard to hear, and it may take a few days to process.

Secondly,  Thank goodness your friend was able to be truly open and honest with you!  I'm positive that her decision is nothing personal towards you, and that she would like the opportunity to really enjoy your wedding.  And that is very understandable, and admirable I might add.

Story time.  In my circle there is a group of us, we have been in each others weddings because we have all been friends for so long... and there is one girl in our group, who I am convinced has made it her sole mission to sabotage every wedding we are all in together.  She has pretty much cut ties with all of our friends in our friend group that has gotten married (except me, because I'm not having attendants in my wedding) because of the passive aggressive stunts she has pulled to intentionally piss the bride off or other catastrophe's she has caused.  All because she doesn't have the courage to stand up and say "no, I'm going to have to decline your invitation to be a bridesmaid"  She would rather make everyone else miserable because being in weddings stress her out and she is miserable.  I'm not saying your friend would do this, I just wanted to share a story from someone who always accepts to be a bridesmaid and hates every second of it and really shows her a$$ in the end.

I would definitely be sad if I were in your shoes, but you also have to look at it from your friend's standpoint.  If she's not happy being in a wedding, and if it stresses her out, give her a pass.  Let her enjoy your wedding, and salvage the friendship.  Just because she isn't a bridesmaid doesn't make her any less of a friend.

Grammar and paragraphs are hard apparently... I meant to say about instead of "from" wow.

Liatris2010

southernbelle0915 said:

I'm sorry this happened. I'm sure it hurts. What is being a BM like in your circle? It sounds like it involves more than just showing up on time in a certain dress. If it's normally a lot of BS party planning, crafting, major expenses, meetings, multi-day commitments, then I see where she's coming from. The BM "duties" promoted by the wedding industry really ruin what being a BM should be. Maybe you can just explain to her you don't want any of that.

This is where I am. If you really want her to stand with you, you say, "I don't care what you wear, I don't need you to host parties or attend a rehearsal, I just want you to stand with me." See what she says, let her decide the day of the wedding, whatever.

hugsy76103

Thank you everyone. With her being my best friend for 10+ years, I just assumed that she would never think twice about being there for me. I got engaged in February, so it has been a while since then, plus me and my fiance had been doing ring searching since June of last year, which she knew all about because she is my best friend. She had to have known that if I ever got engaged that she would be one of the first people I would ask as a bridesmaid. I also made it very clear to her that I did not expect her to make it to the shower or a bachelorette party if I had one, and only expected her to be able to contribute in any way she can, and be there for the wedding day. I expressed all of this on numerous occasions before I asked her last weekend. Not ONCE has she ever brought up any concerns to me about time, stress, finances, whatever it may be. She was always excited, and always wanted to know about my plans. Had she brought anything up to me I would have tried to work things out or see what would be doable for her, or may not be as upset if I knew for sure she was really going to have a struggle with this. But nothing was ever said. She agreed to being a bridesmaid, then called me the next day and said no. I was hysterically crying because I was so shocked, I even told her I would pay for her flights and pay for her dress if it came down to it and her answer was still, "no i don't want to do it."  I'm not having an engagement party, I barely want a shower because I dont even really like them myself, and I don't really need a bachelorette party. Her and I even talked about dresses last year and my goal being to find a dress that was inexpensive and that my girls could wear more than once.

 

Sorry for ranting. Its just really hard for me to understand.

plainjane0415

misspinxie18 said:

Thank you everyone. With her being my best friend for 10+ years, I just assumed that she would never think twice about being there for me. I got engaged in February, so it has been a while since then, plus me and my fiance had been doing ring searching since June of last year, which she knew all about because she is my best friend. She had to have known that if I ever got engaged that she would be one of the first people I would ask as a bridesmaid. I also made it very clear to her that I did not expect her to make it to the shower or a bachelorette party if I had one, and only expected her to be able to contribute in any way she can, and be there for the wedding day. I expressed all of this on numerous occasions before I asked her last weekend. Not ONCE has she ever brought up any concerns to me about time, stress, finances, whatever it may be. She was always excited, and always wanted to know about my plans. Had she brought anything up to me I would have tried to work things out or see what would be doable for her, or may not be as upset if I knew for sure she was really going to have a struggle with this. But nothing was ever said. She agreed to being a bridesmaid, then called me the next day and said no. I was hysterically crying because I was so shocked, I even told her I would pay for her flights and pay for her dress if it came down to it and her answer was still, "no i don't want to do it."  I'm not having an engagement party, I barely want a shower because I dont even really like them myself, and I don't really need a bachelorette party. Her and I even talked about dresses last year and my goal being to find a dress that was inexpensive and that my girls could wear more than once.

 

Sorry for ranting. Its just really hard for me to understand.

It's very understandable, and even though she has talked about these things with you in the past, things change, life situations change, etc, and she may be in a place where she simply can't be a bridesmaid.  Whether it be personal issues, financial, physical, who knows, but I would just accept her decision and move on from it.  She is still your friend and can still be your best friend.  I know it's upsetting, but dwelling on it is only going to make things worse.  Best of luck to you and congrats!

holyguacamole79

Has she indicated that she still plans on attending the wedding?

abc234

Did you ask her individually or everyone as a group? From your post, it sounds like it could have been a group setting. If this is the case, is it possible she got her feelings hurt that you didn't ask her individually? Maybe she felt like when you asked it was impersonal, especially if she perceives herself to be closer to you than the others you asked at the same time. Just a thought. 

CMGragain

Have you priced airline fares from California to Pennsylvania lately?  Here are some excellent reasons your friend might have decided to decline:

1.  MONEY!  Airline fares, hotel costs, food costs, bach. party and shower costs, the dress costs.....
2.  Vacation time.  Maybe she just doesn't have the time built up at her job to take off another week.
3.  Maybe she just had a bad experience with a Bridezilla, and she never wants to be in another wedding party again!
4.  Other plans that conflict.

Don't judge her.  You have other friends.

badbnagdway

OP, that must be really hard. You have my sympathy. It would break my heart if I asked someone and they said no. But I think you'll have to just move past it. There are are a lot of reasons someone may decline this, even putting aside money or time. It's better to have her decline than her be a lousy bridesmaid (although I have a low bar for bridesmaid behavior, basically showing up in the right dress) and have the relationship damaged because of it. 

Has she gone through any recent break-ups or is she generally love lorn? Even when you're happy for your friend there can be a pang watching seemingly everyone you know get married when you can't find the right person. 

Jen4948

I'm sorry.  It sucks when best friends aren't there for us the way we'd like them to be.

But it's expensive to travel from one coast to another, stay at a hotel, buy a gift, and pay for local transportation and personal meals and entertainment for oneself outside of wedding time.  Add to that the cost of a dress, shoes, accessories, hair and makeup, and the costs of being a bridesmaid can really add up.

And if there's something going on in her life like a recent breakup, a heavy workload at her job, health issues of her own or someone that she's close to, or whatever, then the time is just not right for her. 

Letting go of this won't be easy, but it's necessary, and the sooner you do it, the easier things will be for all concerned.

SheMarie82

My situation is a little different, I proposed to my partner of 10 years, and my best friend decided at that point that she did not believe in same sex marriage. But, the feelings of hurt and disappointment were probably close to the same.  Turns out, she didn't even come to my wedding, but what I have told myself is that she is going to be the one that regrets it, not me.  It is your special and happy day, don't get so focused on the details that you miss out on what it is really about!

karlajoe1

 First. I will say, so sorry you are going through this. As difficult as it may be because she is one of your best friends. Try to focus on YOU and your soon to be hubby. Your wedding day means that you should be surrounded by all of those that love you, and I dont doubt that she doesnt love you. But perhaps this was a blessing in disguise. I do feel that it was a bit selfish of her. But thats just me. Regardless, make the best memories with your bridesmaids that accepted the role, the ones that want to be a part of your big day. Hope it helps. Best of luck and well wishes on your wedding day.

Knottie76885396

So sorry to hear that. Where I understand where your best friend is coming from, she's supposed to be your BEST FRIEND. Even if she's tired, even if she's worried about the details, your best friend should be there for you. I understand long distance is hard, but my FSIL is going to be a bridesmaid and she lives in another country. You make it work because you love one another. I find the fact that she turned you down like that a little selfish. I think she should have come to you with a compromise like-"Would love to be your bridesmaid! I just won't be able to make everything because of the long distance." (etc.)

Viczaesar

karlajoe1 said:

 First. I will say, so sorry you are going through this. As difficult as it may be because she is one of your best friends. Try to focus on YOU and your soon to be hubby. Your wedding day means that you should be surrounded by all of those that love you, and I dont doubt that she doesnt love you. But perhaps this was a blessing in disguise. I do feel that it was a bit selfish of her. But thats just me. Regardless, make the best memories with your bridesmaids that accepted the role, the ones that want to be a part of your big day. Hope it helps. Best of luck and well wishes on your wedding day.

I strenuously disagree with you.

levioosa

Viczaesar said:

karlajoe1 said:

 First. I will say, so sorry you are going through this. As difficult as it may be because she is one of your best friends. Try to focus on YOU and your soon to be hubby. Your wedding day means that you should be surrounded by all of those that love you, and I dont doubt that she doesnt love you. But perhaps this was a blessing in disguise. I do feel that it was a bit selfish of her. But thats just me. Regardless, make the best memories with your bridesmaids that accepted the role, the ones that want to be a part of your big day. Hope it helps. Best of luck and well wishes on your wedding day.

I strenuously disagree with you.

Ditto that.  It's insulting to all of the best friends who wanted nothing more than to make their best friends' weddings. 

So I was selfish because I'm sunk in student debt, part of a program that defines the next 30 years of my life and will only let me miss 9 hours, and because she asked me to take a week off and spend $3000 for a destination wedding?  

Yeah, I don't think so. 

 A wedding is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime event.  But I haven't missed out on the past 20 years of lifetime events, so I'm pretty sure my support is crystal fucking clear.  

Viczaesar

Knottie76885396 said:

So sorry to hear that. Where I understand where your best friend is coming from, she's supposed to be your BEST FRIEND. Even if she's tired, even if she's worried about the details, your best friend should be there for you. I understand long distance is hard, but my FSIL is going to be a bridesmaid and she lives in another country. You make it work because you love one another. I find the fact that she turned you down like that a little selfish. I think she should have come to you with a compromise like-"Would love to be your bridesmaid! I just won't be able to make everything because of the long distance." (etc.)

Love doesn't make money or time magically appear out of the sky.  This is a ridiculous expectation.  If she can't do it she can't do it.  Nobody is obligated to say yes to being honored, particularly if it's beyond their means.

pduval1230

Appreciate her for her honesty.  It would hurt more if she overpromised and underdelivered.  That could result in a more devastating blow that her just being honest up front and saying that she doesn't have it in her.  I'm sure she struggled with her decision to decline.  But, as you said, she's your best friend.  Her lack of "participation" doesn't change that.  Because she won't be busy with wedding tasks, she might prove to be more supportive than the rest of your bridal party. 

abbyj700

SheMarie82 said:

My situation is a little different, I proposed to my partner of 10 years, and my best friend decided at that point that she did not believe in same sex marriage. But, the feelings of hurt and disappointment were probably close to the same.  Turns out, she didn't even come to my wedding, but what I have told myself is that she is going to be the one that regrets it, not me.  It is your special and happy day, don't get so focused on the details that you miss out on what it is really about!

Your best friend decided you don't get the same basic rights as everyone else? Please tell me you're not her friend anymore. I would never be able to look at someone the same and have respect for them if they said this to a gay couple getting married.