Need help coping with my best friend turning me down

themosthappy91

This is just so sad, I'm sorry OP. And I have to say, to me it's really odd that she doesn't want to be there for you in what most people consider an extremely important role in someone's wedding day. If I'm reading what you're saying correctly, you basically told her you'd cover all costs associated with her being a BM (and even coming to the wedding, since you offered to pay for her plane tickets) AND that you have no expectation of her doing anything other than standing up next to you during the wedding. I don't care how much a person is burnt out on weddings or "prefers to attend a wedding as a guest", if it's your best friend in the whole world and all she wants you to do is stand up with her at no cost to yourself, you do it. Someone mentioned the issue of vacation days/having to miss school or work, which to me is basically the only valid excuse (presuming that I'm reading correctly that you've offered to cover all of her expenses and released her from all other wedding party "duties), and of course I don't know her situation, but that just seems like such a long shot that she absolutely couldn't make it work given these circumstances. While it's true that some people have extreme circumstances (like the PP who can only miss nine hours for her program), that's definitely not the norm. Basically the reason I say all this is I think if this is really bothering you, you need to let her know how much you are hurt and make sure you are making yourself clear that you are going to cover all her expenses and your only expectation of her as a bridesmaid is for her to stand up next to you during the ceremony. If it were me I'd write her a letter and let her know that, while you totally understand that being a bridesmaid is not for everyone, it would really mean a lot to you if she would reconsider as her wedding gift to you. Some people might see this as unfairly pressuring her, but I think as a BFF you have a right to be honest about how hurt and taken aback you are by this. And if you truly are able to cover all her costs, she's making out way better this way than just attending as a guest! My one final thought- is there some sort of romantic disappointment in her own life at play? ETA: I see some people have "ETA: paragraphs"- is there some way to work around the knot eating your paragraphs? If someone would share I'd be much obliged .

hugsy76103

I appreciate all the reponses. She is travel nurse, but has been spending most of her time in California. She started Grad school earlier this year, which I know she is paying for, and I totally get any money concerns she has. And even so, she still told me she would definitely be there for the day of my wedding, but still did not want to be a bridesmaid. That, I just don't understand. I literally begged and pleaded with her to change her mind and she still wouldnt. She told our mutual friend she was tired of weddings dictating when she could come home. Well, if she was planning on coming for my wedding day anyway,what difference would it make if she ws there wearing a bridesmaids dress? This IS my best friend, and I hate saying it like that because I have a lot of best friends, but I really still don't understand. She did have her heart broken a couple years ago, which is one reason I think she decided to move away in the first place. And since then she has said she never wanted to have a wedding. Maybe she doesn't like weddings, but she never brought up any concerns to me before, so it was quite the shock and still is.

badbnagdway

misspinxie18 said:

I appreciate all the reponses. She is travel nurse, but has been spending most of her time in California. She started Grad school earlier this year, which I know she is paying for, and I totally get any money concerns she has. And even so, she still told me she would definitely be there for the day of my wedding, but still did not want to be a bridesmaid. That, I just don't understand. I literally begged and pleaded with her to change her mind and she still wouldnt. She told our mutual friend she was tired of weddings dictating when she could come home. Well, if she was planning on coming for my wedding day anyway,what difference would it make if she ws there wearing a bridesmaids dress? This IS my best friend, and I hate saying it like that because I have a lot of best friends, but I really still don't understand. She did have her heart broken a couple years ago, which is one reason I think she decided to move away in the first place. And since then she has said she never wanted to have a wedding. Maybe she doesn't like weddings, but she never brought up any concerns to me before, so it was quite the shock and still is.

Again, this really sucks. I would be really sad if someone I considered myself very close with did not want to be in my wedding. 

But maybe she really is just going through a hard time personally with love and relationships. I am so lucky that I have found the love of my life, as are you. But I know for me there was a time (not really that long ago) when attending weddings, even when I was over the moon happy for my friend/relative/whoever, really sucked because I was single and felt like I'd never find the right guy. I have also witnessed other BM's smile and be supportive all throughout the process, but watched them when no one was looking look heartbroken because they had pictured this wonderful thing happening with a certain someone who was no longer in the picture. We all wish this wasn't so, but it just kind of is

levioosa

misspinxie18 said: I appreciate all the reponses. She is travel nurse, but has been spending most of her time in California. She started Grad school earlier this year, which I know she is paying for, and I totally get any money concerns she has. And even so, she still told me she would definitely be there for the day of my wedding, but still did not want to be a bridesmaid. That, I just don't understand. I literally begged and pleaded with her to change her mind and she still wouldnt. She told our mutual friend she was tired of weddings dictating when she could come home. Well, if she was planning on coming for my wedding day anyway,what difference would it make if she ws there wearing a bridesmaids dress? This IS my best friend, and I hate saying it like that because I have a lot of best friends, but I really still don't understand. She did have her heart broken a couple years ago, which is one reason I think she decided to move away in the first place. And since then she has said she never wanted to have a wedding. Maybe she doesn't like weddings, but she never brought up any concerns to me before, so it was quite the shock and still is.
________________________WTF TK BOXES____________________________  

I know it's hard, but you still can't take it out on her.  She will be there for the wedding.  She doesn't love you any less, I promise.

Out of curiosity, do you know what nursing grad school entails?  Because it is a hellish ride of money and time commitments.  It also costs about $60K per year.  Depending on the program she might not even be able to work during it.  Or she will be in internships that pay much less.  

While  you are seeing it as "she only has to buy the dress and show up on the day," there are honestly a lot of "hidden" costs that come with being a bridesmaid.  If she were to accept she would probably spend a lot of time feeling guilty that she couldn't be there for you more as well.  I understand that you are hurt, but please also understand that she is probably stressed out beyond all recognition. A wedding might just be too much for her to handle. That is okay. She is still going to attend and show her support and love as a guest.   As her best friend you also need to be understanding and loving.   This will only hurt the friendship if you let it.  Is it worth it?  

holyguacamole79

@misspinxie18, would you be okay with her standing by you if she was wearing whatever she was wearing?  Do you think she would go for that?

[Deleted User]

As a bridesmaid, she might have to come in a day earlier to attend the rehearsal, therefore she needs to spend another day away from home and another night in a hotel.  Depending on what she feels about her skills doing her own makeup and hair, she might feel the need to spend money on that.  Then she has to smile for pictures.  As a guest, she only has to smile for a couple pictures.  As a bridesmaid she'll have to smile for a shitton of pictures.  As a bridesmaid, she might feel the need to be "on" all night, as in encouraging others to get on the dance floor, to talking to strangers who look like they need company, maybe getting drinks or a plate of food for you and your groom, escorting elderly relatives to the restroom and chatting them up whilst doing so.  Just let your friend NOT be a bridesmaid.  Take a special photo of just the two of you, maybe get her a corsage to indicate how special you think she is, but stop begging her to change her mind.

themosthappy91

sarahbear31 said:

@misspinxie18, would you be okay with her standing by you if she was wearing whatever she was wearing?  Do you think she would go for that?

That's what I'm saying- if you literally make being a bridesmaid nothing other than literally standing up next to you, I can't see how she could possibly refuse!  Like if you make it clear you have no other expectation of her and there will be no other associated expense, there has (in my opinion) got to be something else going on here that is causing her to refuse, whether it's an issue in her relationship with you or an issue with her being upset about her own love life.

I don't want to judge too harshly but I think that it is unreasonable of your friend to not agree to stand up with you if it's not going to cost her anything or put any additional responsibility on her, considering she does plan to be at the wedding so it's not an issue of not being able to miss work.  No matter how love lorn she is personally, I don't think I'd be able to think of my friend the same way ever again if she couldn't understand how important this one small act of standing up beside me was to me (and to reiterate again, this is assuming you are covering all of her expenses and relieving her of all other bridesmaid responsibilities).    

levioosa

themosthappy91 said:

sarahbear31 said:

@misspinxie18, would you be okay with her standing by you if she was wearing whatever she was wearing?  Do you think she would go for that?

That's what I'm saying- if you literally make being a bridesmaid nothing other than literally standing up next to you, I can't see how she could possibly refuse!  Like if you make it clear you have no other expectation of her and there will be no other associated expense, there has (in my opinion) got to be something else going on here that is causing her to refuse, whether it's an issue in her relationship with you or an issue with her being upset about her own love life.

I don't want to judge too harshly but I think that it is unreasonable of your friend to not agree to stand up with you if it's not going to cost her anything or put any additional responsibility on her, considering she does plan to be at the wedding so it's not an issue of not being able to miss work.  No matter how love lorn she is personally, I don't think I'd be able to think of my friend the same way ever again if she couldn't understand how important this one small act of standing up beside me was to me (and to reiterate again, this is assuming you are covering all of her expenses and relieving her of all other bridesmaid responsibilities).    

This is ridiculous.  It isn't unreasonable.  She doesn't want to, so don't force her.  Maybe she has anxiety issues and she doesn't want to be in front of people.  You need to let this go.  If you "never could think of your friend the same way every again," then you are most likely the worst friend.  She doesn't have to lay out every detail for you to approve or deny.  If you push this, you will hurt the friendship.  She will be there for you, and she is attending the wedding.  That should be enough. Does it suck? Yes.  Is this a hill to die on for your friendship?  No.  

Also @themosthappy91, I think you are under the impression that there are more "responsibilities" other than showing up in the dress sober and happy on the day of.  There isn't.  No one is required to throw parties, coordinate or plan anything other than the Bride and her Fiance.  

themosthappy91

Time2strtliving said:

themosthappy91 said:

sarahbear31 said:

@misspinxie18, would you be okay with her standing by you if she was wearing whatever she was wearing?  Do you think she would go for that?

That's what I'm saying- if you literally make being a bridesmaid nothing other than literally standing up next to you, I can't see how she could possibly refuse!  Like if you make it clear you have no other expectation of her and there will be no other associated expense, there has (in my opinion) got to be something else going on here that is causing her to refuse, whether it's an issue in her relationship with you or an issue with her being upset about her own love life.

I don't want to judge too harshly but I think that it is unreasonable of your friend to not agree to stand up with you if it's not going to cost her anything or put any additional responsibility on her, considering she does plan to be at the wedding so it's not an issue of not being able to miss work.  No matter how love lorn she is personally, I don't think I'd be able to think of my friend the same way ever again if she couldn't understand how important this one small act of standing up beside me was to me (and to reiterate again, this is assuming you are covering all of her expenses and relieving her of all other bridesmaid responsibilities).    

This is ridiculous.  It isn't unreasonable.  She doesn't want to, so don't force her.  Maybe she has anxiety issues and she doesn't want to be in front of people.  You need to let this go.  If you "never could think of your friend the same way every again," then you are most likely the worst friend.  She doesn't have to lay out every detail for you to approve or deny.  If you push this, you will hurt the friendship.  She will be there for you, and she is attending the wedding.  That should be enough. Does it suck? Yes.  Is this a hill to die on for your friendship?  No.  

Also @themosthappy91, I think you are under the impression that there are more "responsibilities" other than showing up in the dress sober and happy on the day of.  There isn't.  No one is required to throw parties, coordinate or plan anything other than the Bride and her Fiance.  

No that's exactly the point I'm trying to make- a lot of women (both brides and bridesmaids) mistakenly think that bridesmaids have to do a bunch of extra stuff like attend (or even plan) all the pre-wedding parties, be in a million posed pictures on the wedding day, etc.  I'm advising the OP to make it clear that she is absolutely NOT expecting or desiring that her friend do those things- even the more reasonable tasks that bridesmaids typically don't begrudge taking part in, like the rehearsal the day before.  If there's a chance that OP's friend is saying no because in the previous weddings she's been in she has felt pressure, either from herself or from the bride, to do all those extra tasks, I think the OP should clarify that this wedding is not going to be like that.  The only thing that truly matters- and I think the OP and I are on the same page about this- is having your nearest and dearest standing up next to you on the day of the wedding.  

Anyway, I really don't think I'm a bad friend, but I stand by what I said- given the details the OP has provided about this situation (friend has no obligation preventing her from coming to the wedding, friend has no other responsibilities as a BM other than standing up with her friend, financial or otherwise), I truly could not think of my friend the same way.  Not just because she wouldn't stand up for me, but because she didn't feel comfortable communicating to me any reason why other than simply "I'm burnt out on weddings and I don't want to" (such as an actual anxiety issue, as you suggested).  I'm not saying I would end the friendship, but personally I would hope my BFF 1) would have a more substantial reason for choosing to do something that would hurt me so greatly than "I just don't feel like it" and 2) would feel comfortable sharing that reason with me.  If neither of those conditions were met, I just don't think I would feel as close to my friend as I did before.  I'm just speaking for myself here and not saying everyone should feel the same about their BFFs as I do about mine, but that's just the reality of how my closest friend relationships work.  Hopefully that clarifies things for you ! 

hugsy76103

Of course this is upsetting to me because there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she wouldn't say yes. For being my best friend for years, talking about my engagement ring shopping, bridesmaid plans, shower plans, bachelorette party plans, other wedding plans, my plans for moving after the wedding, etc., not ONE time in over a year of "wedding talk" did she ever bring up that she had any issues with being a bridesmaid, or coming home to PA, or money struggles, or any reasons why she wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid. She never, never, never, brought anything up to me, when I told her numerous times I'd be asking her, and that I really didn't care about her coming home for anything else except for the big day. So when I asked her in person and she said yes, I was so so so happy. Then calling me the next day telling her I caught her off guard and she just said yes in the moment but really doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, how am I supposed to feel? I can't just brush that off and act like its not a big deal to me.

kbriggs27

I completely agree! I would feel like I don't matter in any sense because of roles were switched I wouldn't think twice about being in the wedding.

Mulumba

My two cents are. I would read the details. I feel for you and not her. I hope in the details she told you the reasons why she didn't want to be a bridesmaid. Maybe she can at least do a toast for you?  I can understand all the reasons state above but this is assuming its financial or time. I know that two of my bridesmaids may have some hardship but I understand this now being nearly a year from my wedding and If I have to pay for their dresses. I will. If this were my best friend honestly if the only thing they did was get dressed up for the day because they were time strapped and whatnot I would accept that. To me in some way this is like me bringing home a F in HS to my parents. Its easier saying a few times your struggling before they see the report card so their expectations are not high so I totally get your hurt feelings. And I would on some level not take this lightly because the friendship may not be what you think it is. I just think may need a heart to heart.

holyguacamole79

The thing is, we don't know her. We don't know if she is turned off by the idea of wearing a certain dress or certain type of dress. We don't know if she has anxiety about being in front of a crowd. We don't know if she is upset about her relationship status. We don't know if she just wants to chill our and enjoy the wedding. Bottom line, @misspinxie18‌ - if she is a true friend, it doesn't matter where she sits or stands on your wedding day (I thought about this after my last post). What matters most is how she supports you throughout the matriage and preparations for marriage. She is there for you regardless of where she is standing or sitying during your ceremony

mim29

Fret not! Your best friend will be no less a part of your wedding by choosing to sit in the audience rather than stand next to you. She'll just be looking at you from a different angle - and for that matter a better one! She'll be watching the joy on your faces and the ceremony with a full view, rather than staring at the back of your head  The frustration and the hurt is totally normal, but there are ways that she can still be a means of support to you without having to go through all the hoops and drama. It saves both of you any kind of resentment when things get crazy and the animosity that inevitably comes with extraneous out-of-town bridesmaid efforts. She hasn't turned you down because she doesn't like/love you. She's turned you down for an entirely separate reason and that should be okay. Like I said find ways to include her in other ways and she will likely be glad to be a piece of the puzzle.

levioosa

sarahbear31 said:

The thing is, we don't know her. We don't know if she is turned off by the idea of wearing a certain dress or certain type of dress. We don't know if she has anxiety about being in front of a crowd. We don't know if she is upset about her relationship status. We don't know if she just wants to chill our and enjoy the wedding. Bottom line, @misspinxie18‌ - if she is a true friend, it doesn't matter where she sits or stands on your wedding day (I thought about this after my last post). What matters most is how she supports you throughout the matriage and preparations for marriage. She is there for you regardless of where she is standing or sitying during your ceremony

QFT

slothiegal

....this thread is still going on?  Lawd.

levioosa

slothiegal said:

....this thread is still going on?  Lawd.

SS's keep trying to convince us that declining being a bridesmaid is a friendship ending move and unforgivable offense. *eyeroll*

XrebeccaX

I have never turned down the opportunity to be in a friend or family member's wedding, but there was one summer where my then-BF and I couldn't take a vacation or plan a weekend trip because there was a wedding or wedding-related activity every single weekend. We were happy for our friends but it did get exhausting and expensive. Maybe your friend is feeling that right now, what with the other weddings she's in? I'm sorry that it happened but I can feel for you both!

And I'll echo PPs about the expense - I went to a wedding just a few states away and it was more than $1000 once all the travel and lodging details were squared away. And I was away from home less than 36 hours. I wouldn't have missed it for the world, but had it been the third or fourth wedding for me that year, it might have been a real squeeze, financially.

Calder75

slothiegal said:

....this thread is still going on?  Lawd.

and yet you're still commenting on it? Cool.

This is a sad situation. Hopefully things have cooled a bit since the initial shock, and I hope you can still have a good relationship with her, and try to separate her choice here (and whatever may be happening for her personally) from her support for you and your wedding.

cambryn

Aw that sucks.  

Sounds like she has been through the ringer when it comes to bridesmaid duties- and it can be exhausting- no matter how good of friends you are- especially for certain types of gals. Some girls it's a thrill, they love every second of it and can't wait to be asked again.

For some girls it's more of a chore that they do out of duty- and perhaps she's come to the realization that she just can't keep it up any longer. 

It's good that she has realized her limits and could be honest with you. I know it doesn't feel like it- but it is a good thing. She's protecting herself from doing something she doesn't have the wherewithal to do- and you won't have a bridesmaid who is burnt out and doesn't want to do the duties.

Just remember, this doesn't mean she doesn't care about you- obviously she does or you wouldn't still be friends- this just means she's unable to give as much of herself as she knows you deserve in a bridesmaid.

slothiegal

Calder75 said:

slothiegal said:

....this thread is still going on?  Lawd.

and yet you're still commenting on it? Cool.

This is a sad situation. Hopefully things have cooled a bit since the initial shock, and I hope you can still have a good relationship with her, and try to separate her choice here (and whatever may be happening for her personally) from her support for you and your wedding.

Yup, I saw it on the main page one day, I remembered commenting on it about a month ago, was surprised it was still active (because last I checked, OP was OK with it, and the whole situation was pretty cut and dry), checked it out, and I responded.

ETA; bold

levioosa

cambryn said:

Aw that sucks.  

Sounds like she has been through the ringer when it comes to bridesmaid duties- and it can be exhausting- no matter how good of friends you are- especially for certain types of gals. Some girls it's a thrill, they love every second of it and can't wait to be asked again.

For some girls it's more of a chore that they do out of duty- and perhaps she's come to the realization that she just can't keep it up any longer. 

It's good that she has realized her limits and could be honest with you. I know it doesn't feel like it- but it is a good thing. She's protecting herself from doing something she doesn't have the wherewithal to do- and you won't have a bridesmaid who is burnt out and doesn't want to do the duties.

Just remember, this doesn't mean she doesn't care about you- obviously she does or you wouldn't still be friends- this just means she's unable to give as much of herself as she knows you deserve in a bridesmaid.

How many times do we have to say, there are no "duties" with being a bridesmaid.  All you have to do as a BM is show up sober, happy and in the dress.  She also doesn't have to explain her choices.  If she wants to be a guest, it's fine.  FFS, people, it's not that hard to understand.  

BeverlyJ2015

Well she told you the truth so you can find another MOH

levioosa

BeverlyJ2015 said:

Well she told you the truth so you can find another MOH

This is terrible.  People are not props.  @BeverlyJ2015

flantastic

Did this end up in the newsletter or something? Why all the silly responses?

levioosa

flantastic said:

Did this end up in the newsletter or something? Why all the silly responses?

I think I've seen it on the right hand side of the Knot homepage, next to, "FSIL called dibs!" and "Bridesmaid has pink hair."  That's probably why it's getting so much traffic. 

cambryn

levioosa said:

How many times do we have to say, there are no "duties" with being a bridesmaid.  All you have to do as a BM is show up sober, happy and in the dress.  She also doesn't have to explain her choices.  If she wants to be a guest, it's fine.  FFS, people, it's not that hard to understand.  

I respectfully disagree that there are no 'duties.' Technically, there aren't any in the job description- and we should not assume they have to do anything but what you stated. The thing is, there are duties. There usually comes with it a lot of planning, having to attend a rehearsal, being invited to lots of parties (and guilt when you can't), buying the dress, helping out the bride the day of (usually with a little pressure from other bridesmaids to do things to help as well.) And some brides make it where it's a bit of a burden- expecting much more of their bridesmaids than they should! 

I agree- bridesmaids should only have to show up on time, be happy, be sober and in the dress- but more is usually expected of them by others (and much of the time by themselves.)

Viczaesar

cambryn said:

levioosa said:

How many times do we have to say, there are no "duties" with being a bridesmaid.  All you have to do as a BM is show up sober, happy and in the dress.  She also doesn't have to explain her choices.  If she wants to be a guest, it's fine.  FFS, people, it's not that hard to understand.  

I respectfully disagree that there are no 'duties.' Technically, there aren't any in the job description- and we should not assume they have to do anything but what you stated. The thing is, there are duties. There usually comes with it a lot of planning, having to attend a rehearsal, being invited to lots of parties (and guilt when you can't), buying the dress, helping out the bride the day of (usually with a little pressure from other bridesmaids to do things to help as well.) And some brides make it where it's a bit of a burden- expecting much more of their bridesmaids than they should! 

I agree- bridesmaids should only have to show up on time, be happy, be sober and in the dress- but more is usually expected of them by others (and much of the time by themselves.)

People expecting things from you =/= duties.

holyguacamole79

cambryn said:

levioosa said:

How many times do we have to say, there are no "duties" with being a bridesmaid.  All you have to do as a BM is show up sober, happy and in the dress.  She also doesn't have to explain her choices.  If she wants to be a guest, it's fine.  FFS, people, it's not that hard to understand.  

I respectfully disagree that there are no 'duties.' Technically, there aren't any in the job description- and we should not assume they have to do anything but what you stated. The thing is, there are duties. There usually comes with it a lot of planning, having to attend a rehearsal, being invited to lots of parties (and guilt when you can't), buying the dress, helping out the bride the day of (usually with a little pressure from other bridesmaids to do things to help as well.) And some brides make it where it's a bit of a burden- expecting much more of their bridesmaids than they should! 

I agree- bridesmaids should only have to show up on time, be happy, be sober and in the dress- but more is usually expected of them by others (and much of the time by themselves.)

If you feel guilted into doing things, then you need to set better boundaries.

One of my bridesmaids travels 90% of the time for her job.  The other got married 3 months before I did.  They both couldn't make one of my showers.  And, to the best of my knowledge, nobody gave them grief about it.  And I honestly didn't need that much help the day of the wedding.

cambryn

sarahbear31 said:

If you feel guilted into doing things, then you need to set better boundaries.

One of my bridesmaids travels 90% of the time for her job.  The other got married 3 months before I did.  They both couldn't make one of my showers.  And, to the best of my knowledge, nobody gave them grief about it.  And I honestly didn't need that much help the day of the wedding.

Oh I agree with that. My maid of honor who was throwing me a shower had to bail at the last second from hosting due to some family stuff- and it was no biggie. I have five attendants and only one could make my bachelorette- and it was no biggie at all.

 I'm just saying, some people really feel like it's a lot of letting other people down when they have to say 'sorry, I can't attend that' so many times. My maid of honor was devastated when she had to miss my shower- but each person is different.