Ring Bearer Not Invited to Reception

jchristieg

I am the maid (matron) of honor in my sisters upcoming wedding. The wedding will be on a Sunday. She wants my son, her nephew, to be the ring bearer in her ceremony but not be invited to the reception. She wants my MIL to come to pick him up after the ceremony. My MIL lives in a completely different city, let alone, a different county. I have told my sister that I will not be asking this of my MIL. If my son is in the ceremony, he should be invited to the reception. She says that I am being unreasonable, but I feel that I am not for many reasons. She offered to hire a babysitter for him, but has since said she has "never said that". I don't feel that I should pay for a sitter as she wants him in her wedding. On top of that, it's a Sunday and people need to work the next day. Am I wrong or is she?

Pellegcm

She is wrong - your child is not a prop. I have lurked and read for several months, and any of the women on this site will tell you that a reception is the "thank you" to the guests, and this includes the bridal party (which the ring bearer is a part of). Your son should absolutely be invited to the reception.

Liatris2010

Everyone invited to the ceremony must be invited to the reception. Even wee little boys in short pants. If she can't accommodate him at the reception, I would decline to have him bear the rings, this way you can make sitter arrangements and not have to worry about someone coming to get him right after the ceremony,

holyguacamole79

jchristieg said:

I am the maid (matron) of honor in my sisters upcoming wedding. The wedding will be on a Sunday. She wants my son, her nephew, to be the ring bearer in her ceremony but not be invited to the reception. She wants my MIL to come to pick him up after the ceremony. My MIL lives in a completely different city, let alone, a different county. I have told my sister that I will not be asking this of my MIL. If my son is in the ceremony, he should be invited to the reception. She says that I am being unreasonable, but I feel that I am not for many reasons. She offered to hire a babysitter for him, but has since said she has "never said that". I don't feel that I should pay for a sitter as she wants him in her wedding. On top of that, it's a Sunday and people need to work the next day. Am I wrong or is she?

yeah, your sister is out of line.

NYCMercedes

It doesn't matter if he's three or 93, anyone who's invited to the ceremony should be invited to the reception. I can't believe she's asking you to ask your MIL to babysit him. Why don't you tell her that either you and his dad will all just leave right after the ceremony, or that you'll just leave him at home with a sitter all day so he won't inconvenience her and wreck her plans.

Jen4948

Regardless of his age, if he's in your wedding party, he needs to be invited to the reception. If your sister isn't willing to do that, tell her that you're not okay with having him in the wedding party and don't bring him to the wedding-assuming you're going yourself.

southernbelle0915

Your sister is in the wrong here. It sounds like she wants the cuteness of a little kid in the ceremony but an adult party. Sorry, but it doesn't go both ways. It's really rude to invite people (yes, even if they're kids) to only half of an event. It makes it that much worse that he's IN the wedding party! It may be her wedding day, but that doesn't give her a free pass to treat people like crap. 

If you're ok with either option, would tell her it's one or the other: 1) your son will not be able to be in the wedding and you will leave him with Grandma (your H's mom) all day so that you can stand up in the wedding, or 2) he will be in the wedding and he will attend the reception. Bride's choice - but she does not get to mix and match.

climbingsingle

Your sister is completely in the wrong. If she's having him included in the ceremony, he should be invited to the reception. 

Maggie0829

Your sister is completely in the wrong here.  By not inviting your son to the reception she is basically telling you that she wants to use him as a cute prop for her wedding.

I would do as southernbelle suggested and tell her that he is either invited to the reception or he will not be in the wedding at all.

badbnagdway

OP, I'm just curious, did she explain her reasoning for not having him at the reception? 

I ask because I have a slightly awkward situation of my own regarding kids. One of FI's groomsmen has two daughters who are about 6 and 8. They are adorable and beautiful girls who are generally pretty well behaved. The weird thing is that within about a week of our engagement FI's groomsman and his wife started asking us if we are inviting kids to the wedding. Keep in mind we hadn't picked a date or a venue or anything. They also asked if we had picked a flower girl or girls. Obviously angling to have their kids included in the wedding. 

I was kind of taken aback and said, "well, we really haven't figured out whether kids will be invited to the wedding yet, we don't have that many friends who have young children. We imagine our reception to be a pretty adult event. We don't know if we'll need a flower girl because we'll have a very small wedding party." 

I am worried about a couple of things if we invite their daughters: 1). the overall environment being too adult with alcohol and dancing and generally a pretty rowdy group and the likelihood that the girls will not enjoy it 2). the parents feeling the need to take the kids home for bed and therefore a WP member missing parts of the celebration 3). Seating a family of four at our head table 4). being stalked and manhandled by the girls because they are very sweet but do this already and it may be hard to visit with other guests if they are there. 

They actually volunteered that I could invite the kids to the ceremony and not the reception. I have trouble envisioning doing this to any guests, even kids, and am not advocating it. I am just wondering what another bride's reasoning is on this. 

holyguacamole79

badbnagdway said:

OP, I'm just curious, did she explain her reasoning for not having him at the reception? 

I ask because I have a slightly awkward situation of my own regarding kids. One of FI's groomsmen has two daughters who are about 6 and 8. They are adorable and beautiful girls who are generally pretty well behaved. The weird thing is that within about a week of our engagement FI's groomsman and his wife started asking us if we are inviting kids to the wedding. Keep in mind we hadn't picked a date or a venue or anything. They also asked if we had picked a flower girl or girls. Obviously angling to have their kids included in the wedding. 

I was kind of taken aback and said, "well, we really haven't figured out whether kids will be invited to the wedding yet, we don't have that many friends who have young children. We imagine our reception to be a pretty adult event. We don't know if we'll need a flower girl because we'll have a very small wedding party." 

I am worried about a couple of things if we invite their daughters: 1). the overall environment being too adult with alcohol and dancing and generally a pretty rowdy group and the likelihood that the girls will not enjoy it 2). the parents feeling the need to take the kids home for bed and therefore a WP member missing parts of the celebration 3). Seating a family of four at our head table 4). being stalked and manhandled by the girls because they are very sweet but do this already and it may be hard to visit with other guests if they are there. 

They actually volunteered that I could invite the kids to the ceremony and not the reception. I have trouble envisioning doing this to any guests, even kids, and am not advocating it. I am just wondering what another bride's reasoning is on this. 

Even if they volunteered to do that, I wouldn't do it.  It's super rude.  It sounds like you're not close to these kids.  If I were you, I would just say that you're not having any flower girls.  You don't have to justify your reasons to them.  I've been to plenty of weddings without flower girls / ring bearers.  I only had my nieces in ours because they are close to me and my husband.

Maggie0829

sarahbear31 said:

badbnagdway said:

OP, I'm just curious, did she explain her reasoning for not having him at the reception? 

I ask because I have a slightly awkward situation of my own regarding kids. One of FI's groomsmen has two daughters who are about 6 and 8. They are adorable and beautiful girls who are generally pretty well behaved. The weird thing is that within about a week of our engagement FI's groomsman and his wife started asking us if we are inviting kids to the wedding. Keep in mind we hadn't picked a date or a venue or anything. They also asked if we had picked a flower girl or girls. Obviously angling to have their kids included in the wedding. 

I was kind of taken aback and said, "well, we really haven't figured out whether kids will be invited to the wedding yet, we don't have that many friends who have young children. We imagine our reception to be a pretty adult event. We don't know if we'll need a flower girl because we'll have a very small wedding party." 

I am worried about a couple of things if we invite their daughters: 1). the overall environment being too adult with alcohol and dancing and generally a pretty rowdy group and the likelihood that the girls will not enjoy it 2). the parents feeling the need to take the kids home for bed and therefore a WP member missing parts of the celebration 3). Seating a family of four at our head table 4). being stalked and manhandled by the girls because they are very sweet but do this already and it may be hard to visit with other guests if they are there. 

They actually volunteered that I could invite the kids to the ceremony and not the reception. I have trouble envisioning doing this to any guests, even kids, and am not advocating it. I am just wondering what another bride's reasoning is on this. 

Even if they volunteered to do that, I wouldn't do it.  It's super rude.  It sounds like you're not close to these kids.  If I were you, I would just say that you're not having any flower girls.  You don't have to justify your reasons to them.  I've been to plenty of weddings without flower girls / ring bearers.  I only had my nieces in ours because they are close to me and my husband.

This.  Just tell them that you will not be inviting children.  Do not give them reasons because people can always try to work around your reasoning.

badbnagdway

Maggie0829 said:

sarahbear31 said:

badbnagdway said:

OP, I'm just curious, did she explain her reasoning for not having him at the reception? 

I ask because I have a slightly awkward situation of my own regarding kids. One of FI's groomsmen has two daughters who are about 6 and 8. They are adorable and beautiful girls who are generally pretty well behaved. The weird thing is that within about a week of our engagement FI's groomsman and his wife started asking us if we are inviting kids to the wedding. Keep in mind we hadn't picked a date or a venue or anything. They also asked if we had picked a flower girl or girls. Obviously angling to have their kids included in the wedding. 

I was kind of taken aback and said, "well, we really haven't figured out whether kids will be invited to the wedding yet, we don't have that many friends who have young children. We imagine our reception to be a pretty adult event. We don't know if we'll need a flower girl because we'll have a very small wedding party." 

I am worried about a couple of things if we invite their daughters: 1). the overall environment being too adult with alcohol and dancing and generally a pretty rowdy group and the likelihood that the girls will not enjoy it 2). the parents feeling the need to take the kids home for bed and therefore a WP member missing parts of the celebration 3). Seating a family of four at our head table 4). being stalked and manhandled by the girls because they are very sweet but do this already and it may be hard to visit with other guests if they are there. 

They actually volunteered that I could invite the kids to the ceremony and not the reception. I have trouble envisioning doing this to any guests, even kids, and am not advocating it. I am just wondering what another bride's reasoning is on this. 

Even if they volunteered to do that, I wouldn't do it.  It's super rude.  It sounds like you're not close to these kids.  If I were you, I would just say that you're not having any flower girls.  You don't have to justify your reasons to them.  I've been to plenty of weddings without flower girls / ring bearers.  I only had my nieces in ours because they are close to me and my husband.

This.  Just tell them that you will not be inviting children.  Do not give them reasons because people can always try to work around your reasoning.

To be clear I am not saying I would do what the parents suggested -- but I do see why the kids thing is tricky. Particularly when you have (in my case) a mom who is trying to manipulate you by telling you how much her kids are already looking forward to your wedding. Ridiculous. 

holyguacamole79

badbnagdway, I didn't get the impression that you wanted to do this.  From what you said, it sounds like the mom wants to AW her kids.  That's totally not cool.  Stand your ground and bean dip the mom.

[Deleted User]

IF the kids are actually looking forward to the wedding, it's only because the mother has talked it up so much and gotten them excited about it. While they might know what a wedding is, and they might know what a flower girl is, they don't actually care about this wedding except that their mother has decided that they should care. I had a 7 year old friend ask if we were ever going to get married (together 6 years, not yet engaged, but buying a house together). His mother asked, "why do you ask? Are you excited to be in the wedding?" He just sorta shrugged and we changed the subject. But SHE was the one putting in his head that he might be IN the wedding when there is zero chance of that happening. IF we have children in our wedding, we both have plenty of nieces and nephews to fill those roles. This weirdness is caused by parents, not kids. -------------------------------------------- To the OP, your sister is being ridiculous.

MyNameIsNot

OP, your sister sucks.

Stand your ground.  Either your son is invited to the whole thing or he'll be staying with a sitter all day.  There's no half invited.

jchristieg

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I did not ask my sister if my son would be in the wedding, she is the one who decided that.  I have also not told him that he was asked to be in the wedding, he will be 4 next year.  My husband and myself will both be in the WP and she wants to have a WP table as opposed to a Sweetheart table. I am ok with him not coming to the wedding.  I would like to enjoy myself as well and not have to worry about it BUT if she does want him in the wedding (and the reception) then yes, I will of course be taking care of him. She has said she wants an "Adult Reception" but she contradicts herself when she says she wants my 12 year old step-son to be an usher and he is allowed to the reception.

The thing that really gets me is that she is being completely stubborn and because it's "her day" then I should do as she says.  I love my sister and hope this can be resolved, but I don't see that happening currently.  I guess I have a year for her to figure it out.

graciegra

It's good there is a whole year, maybe she'll have some people who help her understand. Take your time to figure it out but when she brings it up, I think it's fair to say your MIL cannot come pick him up so either he needs to be at the reception or not there at all. 

If you are happy to have him in the ceremony and then leave him with a sitter (perhaps of your choice?), paid for by your sister, for the reception, that is your call. While I agree with others that he *should* be invited to the reception, if you are comfortable with him being with a sitter at that time then it's fine (and you would know best of all which he'd prefer/which you'd prefer.) We all allow friends/family/loved ones to slide on things that are technically against etiquette. 

However, she does have to pick. Either she can not invite/involve your son at all, in which case you foot the bill. Or she can invite him and take care of him, either by including him in the reception (the appropriate choice) or by paying for a sitter (not so appropriate.)  

abbyj700

Yeah- that's not cool.

This is why we elected not to have a ring bearer. We are not inviting children to our wedding outside of FI's daughter. She is our flower girl. She will be staying for part of the reception and then will be picked up by her mother. But as her father - FI got to make this choice. If we would have had another child as the ring bearer or another flower girl - it would be rude for us to ask their parents to have them to leave.