Instead of a traditional caterer.. "family cooked" wedding?

MrsMelodyShah

@jnrsgirl - I meant to say that her fiance's family is fine with it. The OP does mention that her family is not on board with the idea.

OP, I hope you haven't been scared off If you do go forward with the potluck idea I'd love to hear how it works out for you. 

dragonavicious

@julesndean -- A "potluck" is a little tacky. And maybe you could pull it off but generally speaking, it is tacky. However there are tons of cheaper options. For example. You could have a candlelit picnic theme and make really fancy artisan sandwiches for everyone. Much cheaper, but still nice. I have a great sandwich (recipe?) that is caramelized onions, brie, and roast beef. It's really inexpensive but seems fancy as hell. You only use like one thing of brie for an entire baguette (possibly more) 

If you do something along the same lines then you can allow people to bring food but honestly you can never ask people to do it. If they offer, then fine, but you definitely can't ask (even in lieu of a gift because really you shouldn't expect a gift either.) 

Sorry if people seemed rude. Etiquette questions definitely do that for some reason. 

[Deleted User]

chibiyui

MrsMelodyShah said:

@jnrsgirl - I meant to say that her fiance's family is fine with it. The OP does mention that her family is not on board with the idea.

OP, I hope you haven't been scared off If you do go forward with the potluck idea I'd love to hear how it works out for you. 

You want to know how a 200 person potluck turns out? That seems like a good idea? You actually would want to see that. 

Tell me, are the walls of your room padded? Do you think Justin Beiber is a good kid whose just misunderstood? Do you think Roger Goodell is a man of empathy and integrity?

perdonami

chibiyui said:

MrsMelodyShah said:

@jnrsgirl - I meant to say that her fiance's family is fine with it. The OP does mention that her family is not on board with the idea.

OP, I hope you haven't been scared off If you do go forward with the potluck idea I'd love to hear how it works out for you. 

You want to know how a 200 person potluck turns out? That seems like a good idea? You actually would want to see that. 

Tell me, are the walls of your room padded? Do you think Justin Beiber is a good kid whose just misunderstood? Do you think Roger Goodell is a man of empathy and integrity?

Um, I'm kind of curious of how a 200 person potluck would go down. I mean isn't it similar to watching a train wreck or attending a PPD? I mean you want to look away but you just can't. After all there is a reason why we have the "worst wedding ever" thread.

chibiyui

perdonami said:

chibiyui said:

MrsMelodyShah said:

@jnrsgirl - I meant to say that her fiance's family is fine with it. The OP does mention that her family is not on board with the idea.

OP, I hope you haven't been scared off If you do go forward with the potluck idea I'd love to hear how it works out for you. 

You want to know how a 200 person potluck turns out? That seems like a good idea? You actually would want to see that. 

Tell me, are the walls of your room padded? Do you think Justin Beiber is a good kid whose just misunderstood? Do you think Roger Goodell is a man of empathy and integrity?

Um, I'm kind of curious of how a 200 person potluck would go down. I mean isn't it similar to watching a train wreck or attending a PPD? I mean you want to look away but you just can't. After all there is a reason why we have the "worst wedding ever" thread.

We know how this turns out.

[Deleted User]

mrsmagicgeek

If only some of the guests end up in the hospital with food poisoning, does that count as a tiered reception?

MrsMelodyShah

@chibiyui Well, the OP is going to do what she's going to do. Her mind was made up when she posted the thread. So all I can say to her is, good luck and let us know how it goes. 

chibiyui

MrsMelodyShah said:

@chibiyui Well, the OP is going to do what she's going to do. Her mind was made up when she posted the thread. So all I can say to her is, good luck and let us know how it goes. 

You know, certain things I get that for. Some people are never ever going to let go of certain bad ideas. But this is one of the worst ideas I've ever heard posted on this site.

Actually I think it was CMGragain who posted in Snarky Brides about the worst/saddest wedding she's been too, and it sounds a lot like what the OP is planning food wise.

southernbelle0915

mrsmagicgeek said:

If only some of the guests end up in the hospital with food poisoning, does that count as a tiered reception?

This is the best thing I've read all day. LOL!!!

Um, I looked for a gif... do not google image "hospital party" at work.

AddieCake

As I've said before, you wouldn't ask people to pay for/bring the flowers or music at your wedding, so why think it's ok to ask people to bring their own food?

MGP

ShesSoCold said:

pinkrevenge said:

I'm sorry, some things are NOT adding up.

SO you're totally broke, is that right?

So you're going to throw a destination wedding 10 hours away with 200 people during a meal time?


Let me ask you something; do you think your family members can cook meals for 200 people in a cabin kitchen with their own finances? And does that not make your heart clench putting that kind of burden on them?

Unreal. You have lots of options for an affordable wedding; making your family take on the labor and debt after driving all that way is not one of them.

Even if your friends offer, I doubt any of them are looking to bring enough chips or pudding for 200 people. It's 200 people, come on! I would have to FILL my trunk to the roof with bags of chips to have enough chips for 200 people. Stop lying to yourself, you're plotting a disaster!

Oh no, OP is not burdening HER family with making food. She's making sure they are well taken care of and going above and beyond to ensure that they - her family alone - have lodging and no not have to cook. She's asking HIS family to do the cooking and they're on their own for lodging. 

If I was part of the groom's family I would go off the freaking rails about this.

And not participate in this shitstorm, of course.

[Deleted User]

If people happen to offer to make something when you happend to be talking about the menu and that you are making the food yourself, you can accept their offer, but you can't request from local people to make food. Things to keep in mind, who is going to tend to food while your FI is getting ready for the ceremony & while the ceremony is going on? Who will handle all the set up & then clean up? Again, you can't ask people to do that, if they ask if they can help, you can say yes, but no recruiting help.

Does your FI live in the same town as your family 10 hours away or do they live local to you? If they live in the same town as your family you might want to consider just having the wedding there & then you can do a cake & punch reception.

morfish2000

My fiance & I are paying for the wedding entirely by ourselves. We planned a longer engagement (2 years) to save money, set a strict budget, and a smaller guest list . My fiance momentarily thought about having our family help with cooking & my fiance making the main dish- chicken. However, thankfully he came to his senses. Cooking for alot of people is going to be alot of added stress on you, your fiance, and close family members during an already stressful time. You will want someone else to worry about all the food and the preparation since you already have to worry about so much. Its going to be so lovely to hear your guest comment on how GREAT the catering was at your wedding, instead of many people (like the ones on here) mentioning that it may be tacky.

Esther Morales

I think you should find an alternative -- for example

• Have a signature cocktail like a spiked punch or a martini drink, or a Sangria served in glass servers
• Have a one-drink champagne toast and a place set up for self-serve beer and wine in an elegant beverage holder
• Have just "cocktails"  and light fare-- your drinks and appetizers (dip and raw veggies, mini quiches, dumplings with veggies and meat, bruchetta, mini pizzas, chicken and beef on skewers, and other fun finger foods.
• Do a dessert table with cookies, danish, mini pastries and cupcakes and/or candy with cello bags and a smaller cake to cut into.  You can also add a couple of pies and/or other layer cakes (you can do this yourselves).  Folks could bring candy home as a nice favor.

Instead of your folks cooking, they can contribute to the liquor fund or buy the bottles of liquor if your venue allows.  You can hire a bartender to mix everything.

For beverage servers, go to:  http://www.classichostess.com/del-sol-set-of-two-dispensers-on-rack

For sweets table design, see attached:

For appetizers, hire a reputable company and I bet you could get something about $20 per person.  See if friends would be willing to help pass them or have them set up elegantly on a beautifully draped table.

The "Wedding Cocktail" reception could be placed on your invite and you could have about a 2-1/2 to 3-hour event - you don't need dancing and a full four-five hours.  You could also hire a piano player for your first dance and have piped in music if you can't afford a dj.  I've been to a few of these type of parties and found them very pleasant. and elegant. 

Good luck!

Esther Morales

And, really, in the end, you do what you have to do.  I don't think what you initially plan is rude or tacky - you just want a wedding to be different, more special and elegant - that it stands apart from the everyday event.  Don't listen to the meanies on this post.

NYCMercedes

Esther Morales said:

I think you should find an alternative -- for example

• Have a signature cocktail like a spiked punch or a martini drink, or a Sangria served in glass servers
• Have a one-drink champagne toast and a place set up for self-serve beer and wine in an elegant beverage holder
• Have just "cocktails"  and light fare-- your drinks and appetizers (dip and raw veggies, mini quiches, dumplings with veggies and meat, bruchetta, mini pizzas, chicken and beef on skewers, and other fun finger foods.
• Do a dessert table with cookies, danish, mini pastries and cupcakes and/or candy with cello bags and a smaller cake to cut into.  You can also add a couple of pies and/or other layer cakes (you can do this yourselves).  Folks could bring candy home as a nice favor.

Instead of your folks cooking, they can contribute to the liquor fund or buy the bottles of liquor if your venue allows.  You can hire a bartender to mix everything.

For beverage servers, go to:  http://www.classichostess.com/del-sol-set-of-two-dispensers-on-rack

For sweets table design, see attached:

For appetizers, hire a reputable company and I bet you could get something about $20 per person.  See if friends would be willing to help pass them or have them set up elegantly on a beautifully draped table.

The "Wedding Cocktail" reception could be placed on your invite and you could have about a 2-1/2 to 3-hour event - you don't need dancing and a full four-five hours.  You could also hire a piano player for your first dance and have piped in music if you can't afford a dj.  I've been to a few of these type of parties and found them very pleasant. and elegant. 

Good luck!

Bad advice. No to a liquor fund. No to guests buying or bringing bottles. No to guests serving. Just gauche.

JCbride2015

Esther Morales said:

And, really, in the end, you do what you have to do.  I don't think what you initially plan is rude or tacky - you just want a wedding to be different, more special and elegant - that it stands apart from the everyday event.  Don't listen to the meanies on this post.

Um.  The "meanies" on this post are trying to prevent OP from alienating her Fi's family and potentially giving food poison to 200 people.  But sure.  We're big fat meanie-poos who only want to ruin her good time.

LondonLisa

Esther Morales said: And, really, in the end, you do what you have to do.  I don't think what you initially plan is rude or tacky - you just want a wedding to be different, more special and elegant - that it stands apart from the everyday event.  Don't listen to the meanies on this post.
___________________________ SIB____________

Where are you from that begging for a party is elegant? Forcing guests to work is pretty universally vulgar.

kmmssg

JCbride2015 said:

Esther Morales said:

And, really, in the end, you do what you have to do.  I don't think what you initially plan is rude or tacky - you just want a wedding to be different, more special and elegant - that it stands apart from the everyday event.  Don't listen to the meanies on this post.

Um.  The "meanies" on this post are trying to prevent OP from alienating her Fi's family and potentially giving food poison to 200 people.  But sure.  We're big fat meanie-poos who only want to ruin her good time.

@JCbride2015 - "meanie-poo" has just been added to my vocabulary.  Awesome.

MGP

LondonLisa said:

Esther Morales said:

And, really, in the end, you do what you have to do.  I don't think what you initially plan is rude or tacky - you just want a wedding to be different, more special and elegant - that it stands apart from the everyday event.  Don't listen to the meanies on this post.

___________________________ SIB____________

Where are you from that begging for a party is elegant? Forcing guests to work is pretty universally vulgar. _______

Got this idea from another thread of a similar topic so from now on I am going to challenge each person who comes up with the vulgar idea to enlist guests to work at your wedding to answer this question:

"Is it appropriate for me to think that (insert name here)'s time would be better suited (insert task here) than enjoying my wedding?"

So here goes.  Esther please tell us why it is appropriate for a bride to think that their friend's time would be better suited passing out appetizers than enjoying their wedding?

Please, I really want to hear your reasons.

ETA - there is nothing elegant about 200 wedding meals cooked by a hodgepodge of relatives.

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User]

Jessica2426 said:

I think etiquette is different for some people and/or areas. Some areas all they do is have a "potlick reception". I have had most of my friends email me and ask what they needed to bring I said nothing, so they say ok I will bring ________ (whatever!). They feel they need to bring something. I have no idea why. I have been to 7 weddings this year, 5 of them were for people he knew from his work so I brought nothing but felt bad because people were walking in with cupcakes, brownies, pudding, and stuff like that. Now, I went to my friends wedding in june and I made the cake. (No contract). But I just had to comment because all etiquette is not black and white.

I've read through to the end of all the posts, but I needed to go back to this one.  If I planned a properly hosted wedding, I would be Appalled, really and truly horrified, if someone walked in with a tupperware of pudding.  You really don't think I can properly host my guests well enough?  You think I need your help in the form of chalky, made-from-a-box pudding?  Unless you're my senile Aunt Ida, I'm probably going to laugh in your face.  And where was that pudding while you were at the ceremony?  Sitting out in your car, getting warm?  Awesome, yes, let me please serve that to my guests.

lyndausvi

adk19 said:

Jessica2426 said:

I think etiquette is different for some people and/or areas. Some areas all they do is have a "potlick reception". I have had most of my friends email me and ask what they needed to bring I said nothing, so they say ok I will bring ________ (whatever!). They feel they need to bring something. I have no idea why. I have been to 7 weddings this year, 5 of them were for people he knew from his work so I brought nothing but felt bad because people were walking in with cupcakes, brownies, pudding, and stuff like that. Now, I went to my friends wedding in june and I made the cake. (No contract). But I just had to comment because all etiquette is not black and white.

I've read through to the end of all the posts, but I needed to go back to this one.  If I planned a properly hosted wedding, I would be Appalled, really and truly horrified, if someone walked in with a tupperware of pudding.  You really don't think I can properly host my guests well enough?  You think I need your help in the form of chalky, made-from-a-box pudding?  Unless you're my senile Aunt Ida, I'm probably going to laugh in your face.  And where was that pudding while you were at the ceremony?  Sitting out in your car, getting warm?  Awesome, yes, let me please serve that to my guests.

I do not write this often on here because most  people think I'm crazy, but it drives me CRAZY when I invited people to my house and they show up with food.   Almost pisses me off.   I'm not even a fan of people bringing drinks.  Although for the most part people only bring them as a hosts gift. 

When I host I put a lot of thought into the menu (including beverages).  I know what my guests like. I know that Michelle only eats veggie or chicken.  No other proteins.  I know Jay hates white foods (mayo, sour cream, etc).    I  know who is gluten or who is vegetarian. I know who hate seafood.    I'm not going to invite Michelle over for a menu only consisting of beef.  There will be a few pieces of chicken for Michelle and anyone else who might want chicken that day.  Cause, I'm not going to call out Michelle for not liking beef.  So I make a menu that has options.

For drinks,  I know Bob prefers Grey Goose and tonic.   Mary likes Amstel, Jill likes bud or coors light.  I know this and for the most part have in the house what they like.

Now if we decide on a group cookout.  Then that is different.  As a group we are hosting.  We decide together the menu and who brings what.  But I inviting to you my home as a guest.  Please, please do not insult me by bringing a dish.   If you ask I would simply say "Just yourself.  I have it taken care of thank you".

Maggie0829

lyndausvi said:

adk19 said:

Jessica2426 said:

I think etiquette is different for some people and/or areas. Some areas all they do is have a "potlick reception". I have had most of my friends email me and ask what they needed to bring I said nothing, so they say ok I will bring ________ (whatever!). They feel they need to bring something. I have no idea why. I have been to 7 weddings this year, 5 of them were for people he knew from his work so I brought nothing but felt bad because people were walking in with cupcakes, brownies, pudding, and stuff like that. Now, I went to my friends wedding in june and I made the cake. (No contract). But I just had to comment because all etiquette is not black and white.

I've read through to the end of all the posts, but I needed to go back to this one.  If I planned a properly hosted wedding, I would be Appalled, really and truly horrified, if someone walked in with a tupperware of pudding.  You really don't think I can properly host my guests well enough?  You think I need your help in the form of chalky, made-from-a-box pudding?  Unless you're my senile Aunt Ida, I'm probably going to laugh in your face.  And where was that pudding while you were at the ceremony?  Sitting out in your car, getting warm?  Awesome, yes, let me please serve that to my guests.

I do not write this often on here because most  people think I'm crazy, but it drives me CRAZY when I invited people to my house and they show up with food.   Almost pisses me off.   I'm not even a fan of people bringing drinks.  Although for the most part people only bring them as a hosts gift. 

When I host I put a lot of thought into the menu (including beverages).  I know what my guests like. I know that Michelle only eats veggie or chicken.  No other proteins.  I know Jay hates white foods (mayo, sour cream, etc).    I  know who is gluten or who is vegetarian. I know who hate seafood.    I'm not going to invite Michelle over for a menu only consisting of beef.  There will be a few pieces of chicken for Michelle and anyone else who might want chicken that day.  Cause, I'm not going to call out Michelle for not liking beef.  So I make a menu that has options.

For drinks,  I know Bob prefers Grey Goose and tonic.   Mary likes Amstel, Jill likes bud or coors light.  I know this and for the most part have in the house what they like.

Now if we decide on a group cookout.  Then that is different.  As a group we are hosting.  We decide together the menu and who brings what.  But I inviting to you my home as a guest.  Please, please do not insult me by bringing a dish.   If you ask I would simply say "Just yourself.  I have it taken care of thank you".

@lyndausvi same here.  Whenever we have people over whether it is a casual BBQ or something a bit more fancy I always supply all the food.  My friends know this of me but they still show up with a bag of McD's for themselves to eat.  They don't even bring food for everyone else!  So not only did I just spend a lot of money on ingredients and a crap ton of time in the kitchen preparing for your dumb ass to come over but you have the audacity to show up with McD's for yourself knowing full well how I am?!  AHHHHHH!!

As for drinks, I usually leave it up to them to bring what they want.  H and I always keep a stocked fridge of beer and wine and the general liquor but my friends always like going to the liquor store and buying some weird ass beer or some liquor in a weird shaped bottle because "it was cool looking."  So we have the basics plus non-alcoholic beverages and then our guests bring whatever.

emmiejayne

I don't think its tacky, provided you pay for the groceries and they actually want to help - just designating things for people to do feels really shitty.

Speaking of which, I hate the word tacky. Its so... Ugh. Like being back in school when the popular kid didn't like something you'd done so decided to make you feel crap about yourself.

Anyway, I think your best bet is to cut the size of your wedding. Do you really know all 200 of the guests well enough for them to all be at this.emotional event? Just curious

Good luck! If you want any catering advice, I used to work in the industry, so shout if you need anything. Let me know how it goes/what your decision is! Xx

MGP

lyndausvi said:

Please, please do not insult me by bringing a dish.

It's like you are reading my mind.    This drives me absolutely insane when people try to do this.  It's patronizing - like do you really not trust I have this s**t handled?  And to add further insult - I'm a chef!  I got this people!!

MGP

emmiejayne said:

I don't think its tacky, provided you pay for the groceries and they actually want to help - just designating things for people to do feels really shitty. 

No, it's in appropriate to designate but also inappropriate to ask.

If you read the responses you would also learn that OP is only asking the groom's side of the family to help which makes it even worse.

Do you like to work on your days off?  No, in fact no one does.  I am ridiculously helpful and generous, but I do not want to wash dishes at my cousin's wedding.  Sorry not sorry.  That doesn't make me a bad person and I won't let anyone tell me I should feel any differently.

This is a huge hot button for me.  Guests should be treated like guests, not unpaid workers in ANY situation, especially a wedding.  Find a way to pay people for paid jobs or make some drastic cuts.  Just because you have a ring on your finger does not entitle you to free labor from your nearest and dearest.

emmiejayne

I never said it did!

I clearly have an entirely different view on this to you - by WANTING to do.something, they would have genuinely offered, not been asked!

The best wedding ive been to was a close friends - myself and three other friends pitched in and catered it for her for cost. She was so grateful, and you know? I really enjoyed myself. I didn't mind staying up til 3 washing.up, because I'd helped make her day special.

My point is, its nice to have a family cooked wedding - it ends up being more personal than having a stranger do it; otherwise, what's the difference between that and going to a restaurant?

I agree - don't force someone to do a job at your wedding because you think you're entitled to it, but, if people offer, take them up on it!