Budget Weddings Forum

Instead of a traditional caterer.. "family cooked" wedding?

24

Re: Instead of a traditional caterer.. "family cooked" wedding?

  • I think etiquette is different for some people and/or areas. Some areas all they do is have a "potlick reception". I have had most of my friends email me and ask what they needed to bring I said nothing, so they say ok I will bring ________ (whatever!). They feel they need to bring something. I have no idea why. I have been to 7 weddings this year, 5 of them were for people he knew from his work so I brought nothing but felt bad because people were walking in with cupcakes, brownies, pudding, and stuff like that. Now, I went to my friends wedding in june and I made the cake. (No contract). But I just had to comment because all etiquette is not black and white.
  • I think etiquette is different for some people and/or areas. Some areas all they do is have a "potlick reception". I have had most of my friends email me and ask what they needed to bring I said nothing, so they say ok I will bring ________ (whatever!). They feel they need to bring something. I have no idea why. I have been to 7 weddings this year, 5 of them were for people he knew from his work so I brought nothing but felt bad because people were walking in with cupcakes, brownies, pudding, and stuff like that. Now, I went to my friends wedding in june and I made the cake. (No contract). But I just had to comment because all etiquette is not black and white.
    Yes it is. Huge un-hosted gaps are common in my area. Know what we didn't have? A huge un-hosted gap.
    southernbelle0915chibiyuiJCbride2015[Deleted User]
  • edited June 2015
  • edited June 2015
  • I think there are plot holes in this plan, apart from being so, so rude.

    How this destination wedding, accommodations for at least 40 of them, the food and beverages for all 200, cheaper than a local wedding in a community center with catered food.

    Cut your guest list, fancy venue and get a proper caterer.

    atlastmrsgchibiyuiFran1985 [Deleted User]
  • So tell me why I am in the black? Just saying different people, regions, areas, or whatever do things different. Some people dont think its rude of u have to stand at a beach for a wedding. Or if they say bring ur favorite dish to share with the new bride and groom along with the recipe. I know my cousin did this years ago. I remember my mom thinking of what to make.
  • edited June 2015
  • So tell me why I am in the black? Just saying different people, regions, areas, or whatever do things different. Some people dont think its rude of u have to stand at a beach for a wedding. Or if they say bring ur favorite dish to share with the new bride and groom along with the recipe. I know my cousin did this years ago. I remember my mom thinking of what to make.
    Etiquette is not a matter of opinion.  Just because you know people who have done something that is rude, doesn't make it OK to do it, too.  All etiquette books say no pot luck wedding receptions.  Who appointed YOU an etiquette authority?
    Some people think it's OK to pick their noses in public.  Sorry, it is still rude.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    [Deleted User]
  • So tell me why I am in the black? Just saying different people, regions, areas, or whatever do things different. Some people dont think its rude of u have to stand at a beach for a wedding. Or if they say bring ur favorite dish to share with the new bride and groom along with the recipe. I know my cousin did this years ago. I remember my mom thinking of what to make.
    No. Using geographic location is a bad excuse. In my geographic area and on the Italian Catholic side of my family, unhosted gaps are the norm. Typical =/= OK 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So tell me why I am in the black? Just saying different people, regions, areas, or whatever do things different. Some people dont think its rude of u have to stand at a beach for a wedding. Or if they say bring ur favorite dish to share with the new bride and groom along with the recipe. I know my cousin did this years ago. I remember my mom thinking of what to make.
    Just because these things have happened does not make it OK. It's rude to ask people to stand for an entire ceremony. It's rude to ask people to provide food for your wedding reception. 

  • What about quick simple less than 5 min ceremonies? And isnt standing normal some places For Weddings? I can see if ur elderly or have a health issues, and that doesnt allow u to stand for a short period of time but for those healthy people a few min is not terrible. I stood longer during mass at Christmas time than out ceremony will be, lol. i am also Italian Catholic an unhosted gaps are not the norm. In fact, they are normally over hosted!!! With enough food for the guests and then friends that they want to call to join them because they have an overload on food!!! Most of my Italian family could have and would Have make enough for 200!!! And they are def the kind of people who if you would have told them no they would have done it anyways! Now they are just way to old, but I wish they were able to because let me tell u they came from Italy and man could they cook!
  • Let me rephrase (my phone wont let me edit)! Italian events do not have unhosted gaps in my family! I cant speak for other families.
  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    beethery said:
    What about quick simple less than 5 min ceremonies? And isnt standing normal some places For Weddings? I can see if ur elderly or have a health issues, and that doesnt allow u to stand for a short period of time but for those healthy people a few min is not terrible. I stood longer during mass at Christmas time than out ceremony will be, lol. i am also Italian Catholic an unhosted gaps are not the norm. In fact, they are normally over hosted!!! With enough food for the guests and then friends that they want to call to join them because they have an overload on food!!! Most of my Italian family could have and would Have make enough for 200!!! And they are def the kind of people who if you would have told them no they would have done it anyways! Now they are just way to old, but I wish they were able to because let me tell u they came from Italy and man could they cook!
    That's great that they can cook. You don't ask them to bring shit though. That's not the purpose of the party. You host your guests and provide food, beverages, and seats. To do otherwise is a dick move, and you don't want that. Don't do something that's a dick move.

    My nonni and her sister would totally cook enough amazing food for everybody they wanted to host at their own event. I wouldn't ask them to cook all that food, transport it, and serve it, because I am not a jackass. 

    If I asked them to do that instead of just asking them to attend as guests, you better believe I'd get the hairy eyeball from nonni and probably a malochio on me and FI from Aunt Frannie so fuckin' fast that I better go back to Catholicism and start praying for safety in the light of Jesus, understood? Don't test the generosity of your family if you don't need to.

    Seating for a ceremony, regardless of length is necessary. Just do it. Have some chairs out. If everyone elects to stand, that's up to them. But you provide the option of seating, or you're in dick move territory again. 
    This whole comment just brought me back to my childhood, right down to the malocchio (baby slothie earned it quite a bit).  Love it.
    Anniversary

    image
    beetheryjnrsgirl
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    What about quick simple less than 5 min ceremonies? And isnt standing normal some places For Weddings? I can see if ur elderly or have a health issues, and that doesnt allow u to stand for a short period of time but for those healthy people a few min is not terrible. I stood longer during mass at Christmas time than out ceremony will be, lol. i am also Italian Catholic an unhosted gaps are not the norm. In fact, they are normally over hosted!!! With enough food for the guests and then friends that they want to call to join them because they have an overload on food!!! Most of my Italian family could have and would Have make enough for 200!!! And they are def the kind of people who if you would have told them no they would have done it anyways! Now they are just way to old, but I wish they were able to because let me tell u they came from Italy and man could they cook!

    Christmas Mass is a Holy Day of Obligation. Your wedding isn't. Have a seat for each butt regardless of the length of the ceremony.
    THERE IT IS, Y'ALL. Your wedding day ain't up there with Baby Jesus' day of birth. The shit ain't even REMOTELY similar, so don't think what flies on that day is cool at your wedding.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
    holyguacamole79[Deleted User]
  • No.  Potluck is never okay.  You need to rearrange what you're spending on...downsize as needed...or push the date back so you can properly host your guests.  
  • Another thing, if you're "broke," have you considered the costs of seating your 200 guests?  Folding chairs are $1.50-$3 each plus delivery/set up fees.  Chiavari chairs are $6-$10 each.  Tables are another $6-$12-ish, depending on round/long/etc.  Linens?  Plates?  Napkins?  Utensils?  
    [Deleted User]
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited September 2014

    I understand that I posted this asking for advice, but isn't there a way to make it not tacky? My fiance is a chef, but he wants to enjoy our wedding, would it be unacceptable if he cooked all of the food? Does it make it ok that he is professionally trained and previously owned his own catering company? I can't pay for my families plan tickets or gas to get here, but helping with accommodations is more than necessary. Asking 4 or 5 people who have been cooking since WWII to help us by just cooking side dishes that they have been making forever doesnt exactly seem like the most tacky deal. I just feel like the term "potluck" turns people off... but I guess with the way we were planning on doing, it's not exactly your usual "potluck".
    Sorry about it, but after reading other posts on other discussions, some of you sweet, blushing brides are very rude. You're entitled to your opinions, but you dont have to make people feel shitty because daddy isnt throwing down $50,000 for a wedding.
    I agree with this so much... sad really that so many think that it's OK to bash each other in the name of "etiquette". How about using manners and tact to tell someone when you don't agree rather than proclaiming the "horror!!!" of an idea. I thought this was the budget board... Anyway, although I am greatly in the minority, I do not see this idea as inherently rude. If you were asking those who did not or could not help then that would be one thing. If it was made as a requisite of attending, that would be one thing. If you have spoken to the people who offered to help already then that's a whole other story! No one has to know WHO made the food, it can be tastefully displayed and served and then who's the wiser? 
    Let's not forget the the OP's own MOTHER AND SISTER think this is tacky.  I think that pretty much sums up how her social group feels about the situation. Then she came on here to find others think the same way.  Others that include people from all over the world, of different ages, religions, races and economical groups.


    To the bold:  Who are you to determine I have the money, time, space to cook an item for 200 people?   My dh is a professional chef.   On the surface he would be the prime candidate to be asked to help.   Fair enough.  But he works 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. At certain times of the year he gets 2 days off over a 5 MONTH period of time.

      When his he suppose to find the time to cook for an event he is invited to? The man cooks EVERY SINGLE DAY for people and you expect him to take is 1 rare day off to cook for others?  The man goes out to dinner on his day off because he doesn't even want to cook for me, let alone 200 other people, most he does not know.   Unless you were his BF he would decline the invite.  He is not spending his day off catering.  Nope he would just go to work and save his day off for a time when he doesn't have to cook.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    kmmssgchibiyuiMGP[Deleted User]
  • Is he still an active chef? Does he have coworkers that would be willing to help out when it comes to the sides and what not? I know its against etiquette to ask for help but working in a restaurant myself I know we don't care about etiquette or asking for help. Good luck!
  • OP, it sounds as if you already know what you want to do. You want to have a potluck, have a potluck. If you're looking for validation then it sounds as if your family is already supporting your decision. I personally wouldn't have a potluck at my own wedding because I do think it's tacky and not only that, I think it's very rude. That's just my own opinion. If your guests truly don't mind providing the food at your wedding then more power to you.

    Also, you can do a tasting with a caterer before you hire them. That way you can hire someone who doesn't suck. I also like to get referrals, if possible. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • OP, it sounds as if you already know what you want to do. You want to have a potluck, have a potluck. If you're looking for validation then it sounds as if your family is already supporting your decision. I personally wouldn't have a potluck at my own wedding because I do think it's tacky and not only that, I think it's very rude. That's just my own opinion. If your guests truly don't mind providing the food at your wedding then more power to you.


    Also, you can do a tasting with a caterer before you hire them. That way you can hire someone who doesn't suck. I also like to get referrals, if possible. 
    Actually if you read OPs post, her family called her potluck idea tacky and rude which is exactly what it is.
    perdonamisouthernbelle0915lovedryn[Deleted User]
  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 The hills of Tennessee member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    OP, it sounds as if you already know what you want to do. You want to have a potluck, have a potluck. If you're looking for validation then it sounds as if your family is already supporting your decision. I personally wouldn't have a potluck at my own wedding because I do think it's tacky and not only that, I think it's very rude. That's just my own opinion. If your guests truly don't mind providing the food at your wedding then more power to you.

    Also, you can do a tasting with a caterer before you hire them. That way you can hire someone who doesn't suck. I also like to get referrals, if possible. 

    All of this.  Most caterers can make anything you want, so if there's a certain dish that you can't live without at your wedding, give them the family recipe and let them make it.  That way your family is freed up during your wedding and reception and can actually enjoy the time with family and friends.  Please, please, please don't consider a potluck reception. It's more trouble than it's worth.
    image
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards