I didn't want to jack my own thread about photography, because there's good info there for other brides who may be in a similar situation.
This is going to be a long post probably, so in case its TLDR, the short version is me and FI have been fighting an enormous amount since we got engaged, mostly about the wedding.
A few things before I dive off into this:
-I'm already trying to get FI to go to premarital counseling, if not full blown couple's counseling because we need it. Definitely.
-I normally wouldn't post my personal problems on here but I literally don't have anyone else to talk to. Not even close friends, but that's a post for another day.
-Please don't quote me in case I have to delete this (which I'll only do if I feel like someone may recognize me or there's a chance FI will see it)
So we fight a lot. Mostly because I'm trying to save us money in any way possible (examples: let's have a small guest list, or lets have a cake/punch reception at a non-meal time), and somehow that translates to him as me making this MY wedding and I'm trying to cut things out that he wants in order to get what I want. I've reflected on myself a lot during this whole process to make sure I wasn't actually doing that, and I realized at times I was. I wrote a post about it a while back, about how I realized I was being bossy about the wedding and I wasn't going to do that anymore, and to my knowledge I haven't. But we're still fighting. He doesn't want a cake/punch reception because he wants a big party of a reception with booze and food because "that's all the people care about anyway. No one really wants to come to then actual ceremony part." I won't even go into the argument about that, but needless to say I was heartbroken to hear that because the ceremony is ALL I care about. Yeah the rest of the stuff is fun but we're there to GET MARRIED.
The current fight we're having is because, like I mentioned in the photography post, I asked him about maybe not inviting ALL of the people from the club that we have on the current list, because we're not close to all of them, and it's costing $X per person, etc. etc. and FI flies off the handle. According to him, I come at him at least once a week with "some stupid bullshit" that its his fault we're spending so much money on this wedding so he will just cut his entire side of the guest list off that way I can have what I want.
Not what I was saying at all.
I eventually said to him that I didn't realize the club people were so important to him because he's always fussing about having to deal with them, but if I'd known how important they were, I would never have suggested taking them off the guest list. When we originally added them, he said that a lot of the people he was inviting only because they will make the reception more fun, and I feel like the reception will be fun anyway, which is why I thought the people in general weren't that important to him. I've apologized profusely because I never want him to feel like he isn't important or that my wants are more important than his. But once he's mad, there's no apologizing. Money/photographers/guest list aside, we have a problem.
He gets SO mad at me. He's never touched me in anger, but he has broken things when angry in the past. And when he's mad there's nothing I can say to fix it. He always thinks the worst of me, like me asking about a way to save money on the wedding really means I don't want his family or anyone on his side there. Again, I know we need therapy. At this point I don't know if he'd even agree to go.
I'm just heartbroken and I feel like crying because it's not supposed to be like this. The thought has crossed my mind more than a few times about whether I even want to marry him. And that hurts too because I love him and he's amazing, and I know he loves me, but this is SO much trouble and we fight about it every time I bring something up. And it's not just the wedding, we've always had awful fights, just not as frequently until we got engaged. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to end things with him but this is awful.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. Support? Advice? You guys just listening is good too. Thanks for letting me talk things through here.