Chit Chat

Updated: Maybe this is all more trouble than it's worth

edited September 2014 in Chit Chat
I didn't want to jack my own thread about photography, because there's good info there for other brides who may be in a similar situation. 
This is going to be a long post probably, so in case its TLDR, the short version is me and FI have been fighting an enormous amount since we got engaged, mostly about the wedding.

A few things before I dive off into this:
-I'm already trying to get FI to go to premarital counseling, if not full blown couple's counseling because we need it. Definitely.
-I normally wouldn't post my personal problems on here but I literally don't have anyone else to talk to. Not even close friends, but that's a post for another day.
-Please don't quote me in case I have to delete this (which I'll only do if I feel like someone may recognize me or there's a chance FI will see it)

So we fight a lot. Mostly because I'm trying to save us money in any way possible (examples: let's have a small guest list, or lets have a cake/punch reception at a non-meal time), and somehow that translates to him as me making this MY wedding and I'm trying to cut things out that he wants in order to get what I want. I've reflected on myself a lot during this whole process to make sure I wasn't actually doing that, and I realized at times I was. I wrote a post about it a while back, about how I realized I was being bossy about the wedding and I wasn't going to do that anymore, and to my knowledge I haven't. But we're still fighting. He doesn't want a cake/punch reception because he wants a big party of a reception with booze and food because "that's all the people care about anyway. No one really wants to come to then actual ceremony part." I won't even go into the argument about that, but needless to say I was heartbroken to hear that because the ceremony is ALL I care about. Yeah the rest of the stuff is fun but we're there to GET MARRIED.

The current fight we're having is because, like I mentioned in the photography post, I asked him about maybe not inviting ALL of the people from the club that we have on the current list, because we're not close to all of them, and it's costing $X per person, etc. etc. and FI flies off the handle. According to him, I come at him at least once a week with "some stupid bullshit" that its his fault we're spending so much money on this wedding so he will just cut his entire side of the guest list off that way I can have what I want. 

Not what I was saying at all.

I eventually said to him that I didn't realize the club people were so important to him because he's always fussing about having to deal with them, but if I'd known how important they were, I would never have suggested taking them off the guest list. When we originally added them, he said that a lot of the people he was inviting only because they will make the reception more fun, and I feel like the reception will be fun anyway, which is why I thought the people in general weren't that important to him. I've apologized profusely because I never want him to feel like he isn't important or that my wants are more important than his. But once he's mad, there's no apologizing. Money/photographers/guest list aside, we have a problem.

He gets SO mad at me. He's never touched me in anger, but he has broken things when angry in the past. And when he's mad there's nothing I can say to fix it. He always thinks the worst of me, like me asking about a way to save money on the wedding really means I don't want his family or anyone on his side there. Again, I know we need therapy. At this point I don't know if he'd even agree to go. 

I'm just heartbroken and I feel like crying because it's not supposed to be like this. The thought has crossed my mind more than a few times about whether I even want to marry him. And that hurts too because I love him and he's amazing, and I know he loves me, but this is SO much trouble and we fight about it every time I bring something up. And it's not just the wedding, we've always had awful fights,  just not as frequently until we got engaged. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to end things with him but this is awful. 

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. Support? Advice? You guys just listening is good too. Thanks for letting me talk things through here. 
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Re: Updated: Maybe this is all more trouble than it's worth

  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2014
    I agree with sara. You need to put the planning on hold until you figure all this out. Maybe he's getting scared of the commitment and instead of saying so he's acting out in weird ways. I'm glad you are able to look at yourself and be honest. If he refuses therapy you might have to end it because you certainly don't want to live your whole life like this, right?

    I know how good everyone here is about venting, so continue to vent as much as you need.
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  • @lulu411, It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You will figure everything out. I do agree, though, that you shouldn't havce to spend your life walking on eggshells and always worrying about whether or not you are going to offend him with something. When/how are you planning on approaching the topic of counseling?
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • edited September 2014
    I've talked about counseling to him before (counseling for just him erupted to another fight, further confirming to me that he needs it) and premarital counseling for us. He sort of agreed to premarital counseling? I say sort of because at first he said no and then once I talked to him about why I think WE needed it, he said okay. But who knows, I could have made that up in my head according to him. 

    This is just terrifying. How do you seriously consider walking away from a 3 year relationship and planning for a future? I think stupidly deep down I feel like I can "love" us through this. But being a therapist myself, I know that's not possible and that this has to be a 2-way street. I just don't want to fight anymore, and everything turns into a fight. 

    ETA: He just doesn't listen to me. If I'm going to walk away I need him to know WHY. And I feel like that will never happen because all he's going to see is that he was right and I was just going to walk away in the end. There's no explaining things to him. God this fucking sucks.
    Anniversary



  • Would you consider taking a break? You can always go back to things later.
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  • Oh honey. That sucks. I'm glad you're considering counseling for the two of you. It sounds like that's the best solution because obviously something is going on and both of you aren't really happy right now.

    Secondly, I just wanted to say I know your feels. One of the few big fights FI and I have had about the wedding was the guest list. I have a huge family and we were trying to cut it down a little, and I was resisting because I hate the thought of not inviting people. And then he gets all unhappy and says how it'll seem like it's just my family and he won't know anyone so why doesn't he just cut his side of the list down instead. I think I managed to stop that line of thought, but it was sucky and I don't want to make him feel that way at all. It's actually one of the things we still haven't resolved and I'm a little nervous bringing it up again will just put us right back into that fight. And we don't have to address it for a few more week at least until we send out Save the Dates. Anyways, I know those sorts of fights and they really suck.
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  • edited September 2014
    Would you consider taking a break? You can always go back to things later.
    This was probably something I should have mentioned before, but I broke up with him twice before we ever got engaged, when we were just dating. This has a lot to do, I think, with his fear of commitment. However, the last time we broke up with over 2 years ago so I feel like that's enough time to show I'm in this for the long-haul. Yet he brings it up during fights a lot :(

    I think me taking a break now would end things for good, and I don't think that's what I want at the moment. 
    Anniversary



  • You can't carry your relationship through this by yourself, and from what you're saying, he's unwilling to commit to getting help either for his own issues, which he clearly needs, or for the issues his behavior is causing in your relationship. Nor should you HAVE to carry all the weight. Relationships are stressful, and in the long run, you're going to have more rough patches. What happens next time, when it's (again) all your fault and he refuses to get help or do anything but blame you? You're going to look back on this moment and say "I should've seen this coming, because you were doing this then, too." 

    I know it's hard to walk away from. My XH was like this before we even got engaged, and we'd been together for 3.5 years at that point. I stupidly thought getting married would be fine, because relationships take compromise, and we really loved each other, right? Except he didn't want to compromise; he only wanted to bend me to his will. 

    I'm hella concerned with your comment about not having other friends. Why? 
    STARMOON44RebeccaB88
  • I don't know that I have any great advice, but I'm sending you lots of internet hugs. My FI and I are in a similar place so I really feel for you.

    Honestly, it might be best to put wedding planning on hold until you can make arrangements for counseling. Wedding planning is stressful, and taking a little break would give you both some room to breathe. If he won't go to counseling at all, I would seriously reconsider marrying him at all. If he goes to counseling with you and his behavior doesn't change, I would reconsider. Because you're right, you can't live like this. You deserve better.
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  • esstee33 said:


    I'm hella concerned with your comment about not having other friends. Why? 
    I have other friends, just not close ones. I think I'm desperate for a best friend, and someone who considers me to be their best friend, and I don't have that. And I don't want to talk about this to the friends I do have because if I decide to stay with him, I don't want them to have heard all the awful things I've felt and hold that against him in the future. 
    Anniversary



  • lulu411 said:
    I've talked about counseling to him before (counseling for just him erupted to another fight, further confirming to me that he needs it) and premarital counseling for us. He sort of agreed to premarital counseling? I say sort of because at first he said no and then once I talked to him about why I think WE needed it, he said okay. But who knows, I could have made that up in my head according to him. 

    This is just terrifying. How do you seriously consider walking away from a 3 year relationship and planning for a future? I think stupidly deep down I feel like I can "love" us through this. But being a therapist myself, I know that's not possible and that this has to be a 2-way street. I just don't want to fight anymore, and everything turns into a fight. 

    ETA: He just doesn't listen to me. If I'm going to walk away I need him to know WHY. And I feel like that will never happen because all he's going to see is that he was right and I was just going to walk away in the end. There's no explaining things to him. God this fucking sucks.
    I can speak to this: you just leave. It's horrible and painful and terrifying but you just leave. You find a new apartment and move your stuff in or you find a temporary place to stay (parents? friends?) and toss your stuff into a storage locker while you figure out your next steps.

    It isn't easy but you just walk away. I can tell you from experience- it is terrifying but once you're gone, it will start to feel better. I left a 5 year relationship and it took me 3 weeks to breathe easily but I was relieved. It was finally over and things started feeling better. It gets easier over time.

    Don't marry him until you've worked through your problems together in counseling. He's right- it's a lot harder to leave once you're married.
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  • lulu411 said:
    esstee33 said:


    I'm hella concerned with your comment about not having other friends. Why? 
    I have other friends, just not close ones. I think I'm desperate for a best friend, and someone who considers me to be their best friend, and I don't have that. And I don't want to talk about this to the friends I do have because if I decide to stay with him, I don't want them to have heard all the awful things I've felt and hold that against him in the future. 
    Ah, yeah, I understand that. I had a best, best, best friend for like 13 years and we had a major falling out and parted ways last year, and I just don't really have anything other than casual friends or acquaintances. The ones I do have are great, but it's just not the same, so I get what you're saying. 

    At least you can vent on TK, anway! :)
  • I know that all of you are right, and sometimes when we're fighting, I kind of just sit back and think "What the fuck am I doing? He's an asshole and acts like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum." But then I think after the fact,  "I love him so much and he loves me and he's not an asshole 70% of the time."

    That's an abusive relationship if I've ever seen one. Sometimes I wonder how I even let it get this far. But I'm not ready to leave. I want to at least try counseling, and if he absolutely refuses then I'm willing to put me leaving on the table in front of him. 

    The problem is when he's mad he's so damn unreasonable, I can't get him to understand anything I'm saying. It'll be a miracle from GOD if this goes over well talking to him about it. 

    And it's not that I'm afraid of being alone, I'm incredibly independent, which also causes fights sometimes. I'm just scared of actually ending this and walking away from it. Once you've been together so long there's so many other people involved like our families and mutual friends we have. I don't know why everything has to be so hard.
    Anniversary



  • I promise you, the longer you stay hoping that it's going to get better, the harder it will be to leave. And I don't typically condone ultimatums, but this would be one for me. He needs counseling, or you walk.

    Imagine you were one of your patients going through a relationship like this. What would you tell them? 
    penguin44[Deleted User]chibiyuimrstrevor3
  • Since planning my own wedding, I've changed my tune that wedding planning should be the best. thing. ever. Especially when it's amateurs planning a huge event.  What I didn't understand during wedding planning and couldn't see was how much my stress as primary planner was affecting DH, and we were on the same page about 95% of what we were doing (there was disagreement over an oompah band; we compromised on a bagpipe player). 

    While I was worried about getting everything taken care of, DH was worried about bigger picture stuff, particularly formalizing his role as primary earner in our relationship.  He didn't take it out on our wedding planning or on me, but he did bring a lot more stress to work and to his social relationships for a few months, so much that people noticed when the wedding and planning were over and he was back to normal.  So I get that weddings can cause people stress and have them act out in unusual ways. 

    I agree with PPs advice to take a break from the planning.  Hard stop - for enough time that you two can get some distance and have some conversations about other aspects of your relationship.  It may be that there are other underlying stresses, or it may be that this is pointing out differences in your preferences and priorities that you need to confront and decide if you can resolve.  It's clear you have different views on what's most important during a marriage celebration.  Does that carry over to other aspects, like holidays and their traditions vs. social occasions?  Are you usually the first one to apologize or does he recognize that in his anger he doesn't listen to or accept your motivations for doing something as not anti-X but pro-Y, without X and Y necessarily being related?

    I think you are right to consider counseling, and I would even think that you talking with someone alone would be beneficial if your FI won't go with you.  It would at least give you some different responses to anger, and some ways to talk with him about the position his reactions put you in.  Don't put pressure on yourself to fix it alone though; I think you both need to talk through the different facets of this with someone, even if it means changing your current date or plans.


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    Anniversary


  • I'm sorry you're going through this. 

    He's putting up some major red flags and you should take that seriously even if it means walking away from a 3 year relationship. 

    Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

    *msstaticfancypants*
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    doeydo
  • I agree with PPs. You may not be ready to go, but you know that you need to. You're right. It is an abusive relationship. You should never be afraid to talk about something with your SO.
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    esstee33doeydochibiyui
  • Better listen to @beethery! She went large text!
    *msstaticfancypants*
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    ashley8918
  • *hugs* That sounds so stressful and emotionally tolling. Honestly, at the very least I would post-pone the wedding indefinitely until the two of you can get some couples counseling. There's obviously communication issues in your relationship which are probably just being made worse by his anger issues.

    It also concerns me that you seem to feel like you can't stand your ground in an argument and have to back peddle and apologize to him - it's definitely a red flag.

    It's really hard to walk away from a long term relationship and it's really hard to walk away from someone we love but just because you love him doesn't mean this relationship is good for you. You need to make a decision that will make you happy because you can't put up with this for the rest of your life. You deserve so much better. And you know the ladies here will be an amazing source of support for you if you decide to leave.


    esstee33doeydo
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