Updated: Maybe this is all more trouble than it's worth

[Deleted User]

This sounds like you have a lot of decisions to make and the PP give some good advice.
If he had a medical condition, would he see a doctor? I noticed similarities between he and my ex (also my son). Could he be bi polar? Had we known at the time that my ex was bi polar, we may have been able to make things work. My son is bi polar and not yet on meds but because we now know how it works, we are better able to deal with it. Its not easy and can be a touchy subject but it could be helpful to find out.
Did anyone recommend therapy just for you? It may help you figure out the best way to live your life with or without a partner.

HaileyDancingbear

I think you should give him the ring back.  He is manipulative.  You don't deserve to be stuck spending your life trying to convince someone you're not out to ruin their life.  

I'm sorry, he needs to grow the f--- up.  If he seriously can't talk about any decisions like a damn ADULT and instead throws tantrums, he is absolutely not mature enough to get married.  I know you love him, but there are plenty of better people out there who will love you just as much, and won't bite your head off for everything you say.  You deserve someone who listens to what you say and respects you enough as an independent human being to allow you to say what's on your mind.  Not to be manipulated into apologizing for even attempting to have an opinion on something as insignificant as a few people on a guest list.  Stop doing that, by the way.  You don't need to apologize for having an opinion or making a suggestion.  You are entitled to your opinions.  You don't owe apologies to anyone.

You'll find someone better, or maybe you'll just enjoy being independent.  Either way your life will only improve when you can say what's on your mind without having to apologize for it.  

holyguacamole79

OP, I haven't read all of the comments, but I want to add this. My brother refused to go through pre-marital counseling with his (now ex) wife. Their marriage lasted 5 months. This is a huge red flag that he isn't willing to do this with you.

theycallmelinz

I just wanted to check back in with you all. I haven't blown off the comments, you all gave awesome advice and have been really supportive. Honestly, I haven't posted back on the topic again mostly because I'm ashamed that I've become one of "those" girls that asks for advice, gets amazing advice and attention, and then doesn't take it. I didn't want to face all of you possibly writing me off as an idiot that won't get out of a bad relationship (FYI I don't think I'm an idiot and I feel like I know what I'm doing, but I know not everyone will agree.)

After my original post, I went home that evening and talked with FI and it didn't go well at first. We had a giant fight, but I stood my ground and didn't apologize for feeling or saying anything. And honestly it ended okay. He did agree to counseling, and we're going asap. I've already been checking into our options for what my area offers.

I'm not ready to walk away from this, and I can say that even when we're in the midst of an ugly fight. I know some of his actions are inexcusable, but I've made mistakes too. It's just a lot easier to go on and on about unhappy someone makes me when I'm upset, not realizing that I've helped in some of the problems. Again, I know that doesn't excuse his temper tantrums, but we're going to work through that. If I see that he's no longer interested in working through things, then I'll have more to think about but for now we're okay.

I know a lot of you think I should leave anyway, and I understand and respect that. And I don't think any amount of explaining can tell why I'm choosing to stay. But for now I'm going to, and I just wanted to thank all of you for your advice and support. I hope I don't seem like an AW because that wasn't at all my intention in this original post. I was super upset, tired of fighting and not being heard, and I needed someone to listen. Thank you all for giving me that. You're all amazing.

ETF: I swear I had paragraphs the first time.

AprilH81

I'm happy he agreed to counseling, that might be what you guys need to communicate fairly and effectively.

Good luck!

JCbride2015

I'm glad you stood up for yourself and he agreed to counseling.  Hopefully you guys will be able to work out your issues and I do really wish you the best.

Please, though, if he throws something one more time, please walk out the door.

esstee33

I'm so glad he agreed to counseling! That's a huge step. I really, really hope you guys can work things out. 

Also, 100% co-sign on what @JCbride2015 said - if he throws shit, WALK. IMMEDIATELY. That is not an appropriate method of dealing with conflict, and there is never a guarantee that just because he "only" takes his anger out on objects right now that he won't eventually hit you instead. He clearly has anger problems that need to be addressed. Be careful. 

climbingsingle

I think counseling is a really good first step. 

holyguacamole79

I'm also glad to hear he is willing to do counseling. Good luck!

raissyrais

esstee33 said:

I'm so glad he agreed to counseling! That's a huge step. I really, really hope you guys can work things out. 

Also, 100% co-sign on what @JCbride2015 said - if he throws shit, WALK. IMMEDIATELY. That is not an appropriate method of dealing with conflict, and there is never a guarantee that just because he "only" takes his anger out on objects right now that he won't eventually hit you instead. He clearly has anger problems that need to be addressed. Be careful. 

I second this. I'm glad he agreed to counselling, that is the right step forward. Good luck for the rest.

[Deleted User]

I'm glad he agreed to counseling. I'm sure if there, he pulled the "well this is who I am and I'm not going to change" you would know it's time to go. Here's hoping he makes a real effort and you guys can work on things.

lurkergirl

I am a firm believer that people can change.  They have to want it, and for many people it might be something they have to work at every single day.  But I do believe it's possible.  Good luck.

KatieinBkln

Counseling sounds like a great first step. I believe others have said this too, but it might be a good idea to get some for yourself, too--it can be helpful to have someone parse out which things are "relationship things I could use some work on, myself" and "things that are definitely NOT my fault and that I shouldn't blame myself or allow anyone else to blame me for."