College friend is one of my Bridesmaids but not a very good friend! Take her out??

ashry1109

Hi all,

Just hoping for a bit of advice here. One of my bmaids and I have been friends since college (about 5 years) and I included her in my bridal party. Well once she graduated and moved away this past summer I've been doing everything I can to stay in contact with her but she isn't receptive. She almost never answers my phone calls or even acknowledges that I have called. When we do speak its very surface and only for a few minutes at a time. When I approached her asking her if something was wrong or if she was mad at me (or if things were simply changing between us) she said absolutely no way and that everything was great. I feel a little bit like she is just telling me what I want to hear and isn't putting in the effort to be helpful with the wedding plans or to be a good friend. This is also the second time we've had a fallout for similar reasons. Should I just stick it out and realize that after the wedding we probably won't speak much anymore or continue to make the effort? OR take her out of the wedding in general???

JCbride2015

ashry1109 said:

Hi all,

Just hoping for a bit of advice here. One of my bmaids and I have been friends since college (about 5 years) and I included her in my bridal party. Well once she graduated and moved away this past summer I've been doing everything I can to stay in contact with her but she isn't receptive. She almost never answers my phone calls or even acknowledges that I have called. When we do speak its very surface and only for a few minutes at a time. When I approached her asking her if something was wrong or if she was mad at me (or if things were simply changing between us) she said absolutely no way and that everything was great. I feel a little bit like she is just telling me what I want to hear and isn't putting in the effort to be helpful with the wedding plans or to be a good friend. This is also the second time we've had a fallout for similar reasons. Should I just stick it out and realize that after the wedding we probably won't speak much anymore or continue to make the effort? OR take her out of the wedding in general???

If you take her out of the wedding it will be a friendship-ending move.  It sounds like you want to continue making some effort to be her friend, so this is not the greatest idea.

Are you a recent college grad?  It's a big transition from college to post-grad life, when everyone no longer lives in the dorms together and sees each other on campus.  Several of my closest friends, and BMs, I only see once or twice a year.  Life just gets in the way.  If she says everything is fine and she still wants to be your friend, go ahead and continue making the effort.  Text her or call her every once in a while and ask about her life.  Invite her for coffee.  Make this about your friendship, not about the wedding.

A word of caution.  BMs have zero duties to help with wedding plans.  It's lovely if they want to, but some people are just not into weddings or they are too busy to help.  Don't bring up your wedding around her for a while.  Don't expect any of your BMs to help with wedding stuff unless they volunteer freely.  Wedding planning is your and your Fi's job, not for your BMs.

simplyelise

If you take her out of the wedding, you'll definitely not be friends any more. I have a college friend in my wedding party and she and I probably only talk a couple times a year, but that doesn't mean we don't care about each other. Life is really busy and maybe she is going through a stressful time at work and doesn't feel up to wedding gushing. Some people also have a hard time adjusting to making long-distance friendships work, so it may require you to take the lead.

My advice would be to keep her in the wedding and remember all the great memories you've had together. Even if you don't remain super close over the years, it can still be great to have someone in the wedding party who was there for you during formative college years. Then on the relationship front, try to schedule a phone date with her when she's free. Then make sure you're putting the focus on what's going on in her life and not just talking wedding.

Finally, what kind of effort do you expect her to put in to be helpful with wedding plans? As long as she's responding about whether or not she'll be coming to an event and she's cooperative about securing her attire (which hopefully you've made sure is in her budget), then she's fulfilling all her duties. 

holyguacamole79

None of my bridesmaids were helpful with the wedding planning, nor did I expect them to be. Agree with JC - make things about your friendship, and not about the wedding.

Maggie0829

ashry1109 said:

Hi all,

Just hoping for a bit of advice here. One of my bmaids and I have been friends since college (about 5 years) and I included her in my bridal party. Well once she graduated and moved away this past summer I've been doing everything I can to stay in contact with her but she isn't receptive. She almost never answers my phone calls or even acknowledges that I have called. When we do speak its very surface and only for a few minutes at a time. When I approached her asking her if something was wrong or if she was mad at me (or if things were simply changing between us) she said absolutely no way and that everything was great. I feel a little bit like she is just telling me what I want to hear and isn't putting in the effort to be helpful with the wedding plans or to be a good friend. This is also the second time we've had a fallout for similar reasons. Should I just stick it out and realize that after the wedding we probably won't speak much anymore or continue to make the effort? OR take her out of the wedding in general???

She recently graduated and moved and most likely started a new job in a new town with new people.  She may just be really busy and unfortunately doesn't have the same amount of time as before.  So take her at her word that she is fine and that everything between the two of you is fine.

As for your wedding she doesn't have to help you with anything.  So to kick her out because you aren't talking as often as usual is kind of a shitty excuse.  Relationships ebb and flow over the years.  Of course when you were in college together you were super close but once out in the real world life changes and that is okay.  So instead of ending a 5 year friendship abrubtly, why not just go on about your life and see what happens?

PrettyGirlLost

ashry1109 said:

Hi all,

Just hoping for a bit of advice here. One of my bmaids and I have been friends since college (about 5 years) and I included her in my bridal party. Well once she graduated and moved away this past summer I've been doing everything I can to stay in contact with her but she isn't receptive. She almost never answers my phone calls or even acknowledges that I have called. When we do speak its very surface and only for a few minutes at a time. When I approached her asking her if something was wrong or if she was mad at me (or if things were simply changing between us) she said absolutely no way and that everything was great. I feel a little bit like she is just telling me what I want to hear and isn't putting in the effort to be helpful with the wedding plans or to be a good friend.   It's not her job to help you plan your wedding.  That's your job and your FI's job.  Stop trying to get her to help you.  This is also the second time we've had a fallout for similar reasons. Huh?  You tried to make her help you plan a previous wedding?  Where is there a fallout?  She told you things were fine.  Should I just stick it out and realize that after the wedding we probably won't speak much anymore or continue to make the effort? OR take her out of the wedding in general???

Don't dare kick her out of your wedding unless you are ready to lose a friend.  All she needs to do is show up on time with the correct dress on.

southernbelle0915

Kicking her out = ending the friendship. It sounds like you don't want to do that, so I would definitely NOT kick her out.

It's really different when everyone graduates and moves on to "the real world". Real life takes over and you might only have a few minutes here and there to chat while navigating all the new changes. I know with my friends from previous lives (college, high school, etc.) we might talk once every couple of months. When we see each other, it's like nothing changed. We just don't have time to be as closely in touch as we once did. Friendship changes with time - it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. It means you're growing up.

MyNameIsNot

Kicking her out of the wedding is extremely nasty, and will end the friendship.

She hasn't done anything to deserve being treated that way.  There's no fallout.  Relax.  Friendships change over time.  It doesn't mean you have to end the friendship.

yates2015

I asked a BM to step down and we're still friends. 

Close college friend, we discussed it and things are totally normal between us. 

It does not have to be a friendship ending move if it is done properly.

southernbelle0915

cgby014 said:

I asked a BM to step down and we're still friends. 

Close college friend, we discussed it and things are totally normal between us. 

It does not have to be a friendship ending move if it is done properly.

How did you do this? What was the reason you kicked her out?

yates2015

@southernbelle0915 we had a nice chat and we both understood that I wasn't "kicking her out" but more downsizing in general. After I talked to her she gave me the vibe that she had been thinking about stepping down as well and we both knew where the other was coming from.

I told her I knew we both had a ton of new things going on, we both recently graduated college and have new jobs as well. Most busy people are actually OK with not being in weddings because they have stuff going on and that is perfectly fine.

Not really sure if that was helpful at all, let me know. lol  

southernbelle0915

cgby014 said:

@southernbelle0915 we had a nice chat and we both understood that I wasn't "kicking her out" but more downsizing in general. After I talked to her she gave me the vibe that she had been thinking about stepping down as well and we both knew where the other was coming from.

I told her I knew we both had a ton of new things going on, we both recently graduated college and have new jobs as well. Most busy people are actually OK with not being in weddings because they have stuff going on and that is perfectly fine.

Not really sure if that was helpful at all, let me know. lol  

I think I'm still confused. Why were you downsizing?

And when you say busy... were you expecting her to do stuff for your wedding outside of buying the dress and attending at your guest of honor?

yates2015

Downsizing the whole wedding; I say busy in that new careers, working lots of different hours, and adjusting to a new life can stress people out. No, I've never had any bridesmaid "expectations." Our friendship is still strong and she knows how important she is to me.

yates2015

I had it all broken up, not sure why my sentences are running together now.

southernbelle0915

cgby014 said:

Downsizing the whole wedding; I say busy in that new careers, working lots of different hours, and adjusting to a new life can stress people out. No, I've never had any bridesmaid "expectations." Our friendship is still strong and she knows how important she is to me.

Is she still invited to your wedding?

yates2015

Of course she is!