• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Snarky Brides

The chicken nugget. (NSFW Language)

beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
edited September 2014 in Snarky Brides
After starting to reminisce about shitty people we dated, I was inspired by some of the posters to look back on some of the poor choices I made.

One in particular, shall heretofore be known as Nugget. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking. It had been a long dry spell, and I was looking to score. My friend was seeing a guy. That guy had a roommate. He was a 28-year-old high school art teacher. My friend thought he was nice and that we would get along well.

People will tell you not to judge by appearances. I should have. He was short (that's not his fault), and had a ginormous tribal tattoo that covered both his arms and chest, and part of his neck. I'm not super familiar with comics (Nugget was), but I took one look at his hair/beard combo and thought "Wolverine's Son that he doesn't tell people about because he's embarrassed by this awkward stage.". The best (worst) part of his beard was these two weird little ant-like antennae pieces that were on either side of his chin. Like a misguided fu manchu.

So I showed up one night. We watched movies and made out. I started rubbing his leg a little bit. He starts doing this weird laugh.

"What's funny?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it."

"Ok."

So I decide I want to get things going. It's been a while. I go to unzip and he stops me. He tells me, "It's a mess in there. You probably don't want to do that."

Apparently we had both been subjected to a dry spell before hanging out.

At this point, I'm desperate. I came over and made dinner a couple nights later, had some wine, and took a tour of his house. There's art all over the house. He drew it all. Cool. Whatever.

The tour ended in his bedroom. I should have called for a ride back home across the state at this point. The wine was telling me, "Maybe behind all this weirdness is a big dick wielded by a potentially kinky dude. This might be fun. He's nice enough, I guess." Don't always listen to that wine. It was cheap-ass Polka Dot and it wasn't very good.

So we get to his bedroom, and he's showing me his transformers collection. Go back and read that again. Yes. Yes, I know. I know this now. Hindsight is 20/20. 

He has 2 each. One in ____ form, and one in not ____ form. A good way-the-fuck-too-many shelves full of transformers as a 28-year-old man in his damn bedroom. It gets better. (No it doesn't)

He's got a transformers bedspread. Oh jesus. Lawd, you testing me right now. This dick better be so good. There better be a great reward at the end of this test, because I am doing so good at not laughing. Alright well this is happening. I've committed to this because I want the D. Ok.

I get the D out. Well, I try to. Remember how I titled this shit 'The chicken nugget'? Yeah. That's what he was working with. It was the easiest handy I've ever had to give. He did nothing for me, basically because he didn't know how. I fell asleep. Woke up being snuggled with some fu manchu attempts touching my shoulder.

I said bye, and walked around the house gathering my shit. Start really noticing the artwork. This dude has poorly illustrated himself into every picture. Almost every image is of zombie apocalypses or comic book battle scenes, and Commander Nugget is leading the charge. I go home and talk to my friend who suggested I hang out with this fool. She had tried to talk to me the night before but I cut her off because the D was calling.

Not only did nugget blast one in his pants on a previous hangout, have a VERY SMALL dink*, and not know what to do with his hands, turns out nugget was getting it in with some other girl. She ended up sticking around. Friend and I knew her only as 'Nuggetfucker'

Hope she liked that wack-ass transformers bedspread. I should've just gone without. I didn't need the D that bad. Hell, I didn't even get the damn D!

Alright. Where'd y'all fuck up? I shared my shit, it's your turn.

ETA: I forgot about my asterisk.

*I feel like he should've tried to low-key warn me that he had a small dick. Like, he knew. He was neither a grower, nor a shower. It was like a head sitting on a sack. At all times. I didn't, and never do, want a dick pic but like, "Yeah this might not be what you are used to" or something.
--

I'm the fuck out.

image
slothiegalashley8918larrygagaBubblegum5586abbyj700NYCMercedessarawifenowDanikaMarie0227steph861ohannabelledoeydowandajune6AuroraRose41kat1114wajohnson09NegativityRebeccaB88lalapalooza2222speakeasy14
«134

Re: The chicken nugget. (NSFW Language)

  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    OH YES. Note to self, tell stories (plural) during the next SOA commercial.
    beetherylarrygaga
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Alright, get ready for a multi-post adventure (I was a stupid teenager/young adult):

    Y'all have heard lot's of stories about ex-H and what a horrible fucktard shitdick he was. But let's rewind to when he was just a bad god damned decision.

    I met him shortly after he got expelled from high school for several instances of hoodrat shit (fighting, drugs, vandalism and the like).  I honestly have no idea what I saw in him. He was short, had a FULL face or acne and acne scars, lived in a crackhouse (no, literally), and was a fucking high school dropot (or would have been, if they didn't kick his ass out first. I had self-esteem issues, and he showed interest. Whatever. 

    On our "first date", we went to a house party, where he proceeded to give me more sloppy hickeys than I could fucking count. I shit you not. People called me cheetah FOREVER after that. 

    We hung out (read: did almost sex, and smoked pot) a few more times. Then, at another party, he decided to ask me out. I had know it was coming for a few days, and was fully prepared to tell him hell no. EXCEPT NOT. Because motherfucker asked me in front of a ton of his friends. I felt so awful, so I caved and said yes. WORST DECISION OF MY LIFE.

    Fast forward to sex, babies, marriage, divorce, etc. How the fuck did I let this happen?

    P.S. Dude couldn't get it up unless we played hooker and john. I did some weird shit, okay?
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I had a boyfriend in my early-mid 20s who was a COMPLETE stick in the mud. I remember he used to get up at 5 am every morning to go work out. Good for him. But that meant that his bedtime was 8:30 each night. I remember going over to his place on a weekend afternoon after we went to an Astros game. His roommate was gone, so I turned up the charm to flirt and take advantage of us having the place to ourselves. Yeah, no. He was more concerned with getting his sheets out of the dryer. My parents took me out to dinner for my birthday at PF Changs, and he came along. My sister and I were trying to balance our spoons off our noses. The next day, I got an earful from him about how humiliated he was by us. He said he couldn't believe that we would do that in public.

    Oh he was a keeper.
    larrygagawajohnson09
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    "I swear, a finger slipped up my nose at one point."  Oh God I am laughing so, so hard.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    ejpentecostlovemyrunner
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    beethery said:
    A guy told me once that he wanted to put his D in every hole I had. 

    He didn't appreciate when I laughed at him and told him if it would fit in my ear or nose, I wasn't interested. All that blood wasn't in his brain, but he still didn't appreciate logic.
    NO HE FUCKING DID NOT. 
    image

    I would have died if someone ever said that to me. Gahd.
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    @ashley8918 teenage boys say stupid, STUPID shit. Good 'ol AIM days.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
    steph861
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Oh my god. AIM. Those were the fucking days.
    steph861[Deleted User]
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    "I swear, a finger slipped up my nose at one point."  Oh God I am laughing so, so hard.
    It was SO BAD. I can't even tell the story without almost peeing my pants. It is so fucking funny now, but at the time, I was mortified.
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    I mean, don't get me wrong, I ate every last bite of that potato salad and let him hit it again....but still.
    Well, yeah. Potato salad is a gift from the heavens.
    [Deleted User]
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2014
    My story is pretty tame and not as hilarious as all ya'lls, but I'll tell it anyway. I have been with FI since I was 12 so this is more of a stalker type person.

    It started out as being a muy thai teacher for one of my friends. My friend and I were both 20, and she one day asked me if I would go to dinner with them. She was a little uncomfortable to go alone because it would just be awkward, and he was going to pay for my dinner (he wanted me to go too). So we went to this pretty nice restaurant he buys us these fancy steaks and scotch and tries to get us drunk. He brought over his friend, and his friend seemed pretty embarrassed to be with us. You know why???

    Because they were in their 50's. Since this guy drove, and we got into the car with him, we were stuck hanging out with him in a different town for awhile. We kept asking to go home and he wouldn't take us so we were of the persuasion that we should just get drunk on his dime anyway. After awhile we moved back to the bars closer to where I lived. All night he kept trying to touch me and ask for my phone number and even once asked for a place to stay that night. I kept turning him down and I ended up being a total jackass, and he was not even a tad fazed. He said to me that my job as a social worker is boring and won't get me any more, so I need a man to take care of me. "A big black man with a big black dick". Nah, no thanks. Being the crazy feminist that I am, I promptly left the bar and started walking home. My friend went with me, and this guy was so insistent that he should drive us home. He followed us in his car for maybe a mile, then left. 

    Later, since he didn't have my phone number, he facebook messaged me about twice a day asking where am I how am I doing can I hab ur numbah? I would rarely respond, and only because I felt bad for him buying me drinks and dinner all night. I kept reminding him all night I was with FI and I was only out with them because friend invited me. I just didn't want her to go alone, and I'm so glad I went. He was actually enraged at one point because he saw on facebook that I had a recent picture of me kissing FI's cheek or something. He said I was a "Cheating bitch". I swear I did not lead him on other than let him buy me dinner. I continually told him I was not single and that I did not want to give him my number or let him touch me. That's when I deleted him and blocked him from facebook.

    My friend quit muy thai but she would get phone calls from him asking how to find my house and all that. It was super creepy and I think I saved a chunk of the facebook messages if anyone wants to read. 

    EDIT: I'll add what FI thought of all this. "I'm glad you are safe but what did you really expect going out with an old predator?" I was only there for my friend!!!! I wish I had just told her to not go and party with me instead. I had no idea.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    ashley8918
  • When I was on a work conference once I decided it was going to happen. Like most of these stories, I was on a dry spell. I drunkenly found a bachelor party on my way back to the hotel one night. Score! Except my coworkers wouldn't let me go home with one of the GM. Well, apparently I was determined to make this happen and somehow got this guys number. Great! Except I passed out when I got to my room. Cool. Then he texted me asking to "hang out" for the duration of my conference. 4 days. I was pretty busy so I had legit reasons to decline. Before I checked out of the hotel he texted me asking to meet up for breakfast. We met near the elevator at 9am. He offered me a beer. I declined, but realized he was still actually attractive. Made out in said elevator until we got to his room. Had sex twice while my coworkers called a lot, realized I was super late- ran downstairs and outside. Pissed off coworkers holding my bags. Oops. Cab driver says "what happens on business stays there, eh?" Humiliation on the plane, coworkers throwing lots of shade. Then Mr.GM (who was nameless at this point) starts texting me "get to know you" questions. Legit like "what's your favorite color?" I live on the east coast. He lives in California. What?! He continued to text me these thing for a few days. Then added me on Facebook. Well, at least I had a name now. Started to call me for phone sex....I'm still not really sure what happened. I thought we hooked up once, not started a relationship?
  • I'm from a small town and was a late bloomer, so I don't really have any SATC style stories but I've dated a few ickies in my life.  I didn't have to date many but there were a few frogs.

    - First boyfriend broke up with me over MSN messenger.  That was fun.  He wasn't a good kisser though.  And he once confusingly said that my body was "Perfectly proportioned".  Heh.

    - Decided to try to date a coworker's brother about a year after that.  He WORSHIPPED me.  Like scarily so.  He would leave me flowers on my doorstep and brag about how he'd eat a raw egg if it would impress me and he'd say "Woah." every time I walked into the room.  He called me crying from a parking lot once because the dentist said all his teeth were rotten and he'd have a full set of dentures by 23 years old.  I ran away.  I gave the "Its not you it's me" speech like a jerk and ran away.  He's married and has a kid now.

    I didn't date much because I appear unapproachable, but I get checked out a lot.  

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    image
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    When I was 20, I dated this guy who was 31. He lived at home. And was balding. He was a rebound guy. One day, he took me to Taco Bell (fancy!) and hid a ring box on my tray. It was a cheap ass Claddagh ring that looks like it cost all of $3. And it was about 10 sizes too big. Uh. Thank you? 

    I finally came to my senses when I caught him cheating on me. 

    Last year, he found me on Facebook. I stupidly accepted his friend request. He sent me this long ass message, saying we should hang out. Then he goes, "My number is still the same! Call me!" Uh, dude. I broke up with you 13 YEARS AGO. What makes you think I still have your number? 

    steph861
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I'm from a small town and was a late bloomer, so I don't really have any SATC style stories but I've dated a few ickies in my life.  I didn't have to date many but there were a few frogs.

    - First boyfriend broke up with me over MSN messenger.  That was fun.  He wasn't a good kisser though.  And he once confusingly said that my body was "Perfectly proportioned".  Heh.

    - Decided to try to date a coworker's brother about a year after that.  He WORSHIPPED me.  Like scarily so.  He would leave me flowers on my doorstep and brag about how he'd eat a raw egg if it would impress me and he'd say "Woah." every time I walked into the room.  He called me crying from a parking lot once because the dentist said all his teeth were rotten and he'd have a full set of dentures by 23 years old.  I ran away.  I gave the "Its not you it's me" speech like a jerk and ran away.  He's married and has a kid now.

    I didn't date much because I appear unapproachable, but I get checked out a lot.  

    OMG! I had one of these too! He was (and is, on facebook occasionally) fucking obsessed with me in the creepiest way.
    image

    We dated for, maybe 2 weeks, and I was all "Nah, this isn't working out. Bye Felicia!"

    I STILL get random creeptastic messages from him sometimes. IT HAS BEEN LIKE, 8 YEARS. I have never once responded. WTF.
  • edited June 2015

    I'm out.
    beetheryashley8918thisismynickname2
  • I don't have a lot of stories because I didn't date much before meeting DH.

    First BF dumped me by changing his relationship status on FB. We were 22 at the time. He was well endowed and always talked about how big it was. The thing was, he didn't know how to use it. He also thought that since he was so big he didn't need to be good at anything else. Poor, inexperienced me thought that everything was great with him because I had no basis for comparison. Rebound guy was teeny tiny (a chicken nugget?). I could barely feel it, but he was so good at everything else. 

    Anniversary
  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    My first "OMG MY TRUE LOVE", who I was totally going to marry no matter what terrible things he did to me, and I broke up and got back together more times than I can count.  After the first time, he started crying and told me that if he couldn't be with me, he had planned on going to seminary.  wut.

    He also ended up marrying the girl who another one of my exes cheated on me with.  Double wut.   
    Anniversary

    image
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards