After starting to reminisce about shitty people we dated, I was inspired by some of the posters to look back on some of the poor choices I made.
One in particular, shall heretofore be known as Nugget. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking. It had been a long dry spell, and I was looking to score. My friend was seeing a guy. That guy had a roommate. He was a 28-year-old high school art teacher. My friend thought he was nice and that we would get along well.
People will tell you not to judge by appearances. I should have. He was short (that's not his fault), and had a ginormous tribal tattoo that covered both his arms and chest, and part of his neck. I'm not super familiar with comics (Nugget was), but I took one look at his hair/beard combo and thought "Wolverine's Son that he doesn't tell people about because he's embarrassed by this awkward stage.". The best (worst) part of his beard was these two weird little ant-like antennae pieces that were on either side of his chin. Like a misguided fu manchu.
So I showed up one night. We watched movies and made out. I started rubbing his leg a little bit. He starts doing this weird laugh.
"What's funny?"
"Nothing, don't worry about it."
"Ok."
So I decide I want to get things going. It's been a while. I go to unzip and he stops me. He tells me, "It's a mess in there. You probably don't want to do that."
Apparently we had both been subjected to a dry spell before hanging out.
At this point, I'm desperate. I came over and made dinner a couple nights later, had some wine, and took a tour of his house. There's art all over the house. He drew it all. Cool. Whatever.
The tour ended in his bedroom. I should have called for a ride back home across the state at this point. The wine was telling me, "Maybe behind all this weirdness is a big dick wielded by a potentially kinky dude. This might be fun. He's nice enough, I guess." Don't always listen to that wine. It was cheap-ass Polka Dot and it wasn't very good.
So we get to his bedroom, and he's showing me his transformers collection. Go back and read that again. Yes. Yes, I know. I know this now. Hindsight is 20/20.
He has 2 each. One in ____ form, and one in not ____ form. A good way-the-fuck-too-many shelves full of transformers as a 28-year-old man in his damn bedroom. It gets better. (No it doesn't)
He's got a transformers bedspread. Oh jesus. Lawd, you testing me right now. This dick better be so good. There better be a great reward at the end of this test, because I am doing so good at not laughing. Alright well this is happening. I've committed to this because I want the D. Ok.
I get the D out. Well, I try to. Remember how I titled this shit 'The chicken nugget'? Yeah. That's what he was working with. It was the easiest handy I've ever had to give. He did nothing for me, basically because he didn't know how. I fell asleep. Woke up being snuggled with some fu manchu attempts touching my shoulder.
I said bye, and walked around the house gathering my shit. Start really noticing the artwork. This dude has poorly illustrated himself into every picture. Almost every image is of zombie apocalypses or comic book battle scenes, and Commander Nugget is leading the charge. I go home and talk to my friend who suggested I hang out with this fool. She had tried to talk to me the night before but I cut her off because the D was calling.
Not only did nugget blast one in his pants on a previous hangout, have a VERY SMALL dink*, and not know what to do with his hands, turns out nugget was getting it in with some other girl. She ended up sticking around. Friend and I knew her only as 'Nuggetfucker'
Hope she liked that wack-ass transformers bedspread. I should've just gone without. I didn't need the D that bad. Hell, I didn't even get the damn D!
Alright. Where'd y'all fuck up? I shared my shit, it's your turn.
ETA: I forgot about my asterisk.
*I feel like he should've tried to low-key warn me that he had a small dick. Like, he knew. He was neither a grower, nor a shower. It was like a head sitting on a sack. At all times. I didn't, and never do, want a dick pic but like, "Yeah this might not be what you are used to" or something.