living together before marriage--pre cana issues?
My FI and I are non-practicing Catholics, and trying to get back into the swing of things before our wedding. The Catholic church we are getting married at is ok with us living together (we got engaged before moving in). The priest said to do our best to live chaste over the next year (like brother/sister was the line he used), and to do confession before the marriage ceremony to cover all our bases. Financially we can’t afford a second place, so moving out is not an option. We agreed with their request, and are doing our best.
Our issue is that we are getting married out state at the
church I grew up in, so we need to do our pre-cana work close to us in the
diocese of Arlington, Virginia. A friend told us when she approached a church in the diocese,
the priest wouldn't do their pre-cana work until they could prove they were
living apart. She ended up just not doing a church wedding after that since it
was apparently a really mean, judgmental meeting where the priest raised his
voice a lot.
Have any of you dealt with this? How did you handle it? Is
it common for a priest to flat out refuse to do your pre-cana work if your
cohabitating? The guide I saw for our diocese said that was not an appropriate
response for a priest to flat out refuse—the approach the priest who is
marrying us took was the correct one. We know we’re not perfect (who is???),
but we are doing our best and trying to reengage with church life, which should
mean something.
Re: living together before marriage--pre cana issues?
Have you tried inside D.C. ? I would suggest asking at Georgetown as they are most used to counseling young people.
Sorry but that's all I can think of. My sister's church is right behind Fairlington but I don't know their stand on this.
Do not lie!
As long as you're living a chaste existence and doing your pre-canna you've got your bases covered. Your friend's experience was just that, your friend's! You're following through on what you were requested by YOUR priest in the planning process. IMO, confronting the issue is smarter than hiding it, and just because one priest said something to a friend doesn't mean it represents all priests. I once got yelled at by a priest, and now years later looking back I think of how much of an idiot that particular priest was! (I talked our parish priest into seeking treatment for his severe alcoholism when I was home from college for Easter break, which he did and ultimately left the priesthood on his own and is now alive because of having cleaned up - the priest that replaced him shall I say wasn't too appreciative - as though I should have let the guy commit suicide by alcohol poisoning at that point in his disease, I mean, it REALLY was that bad at the time I talked to him, not as a priest but as a person that sobriety was attainable for him - and I'd do it again in a HEARTBEAT if I knew someone in that position!!)...
Do some more calling around - there has to be a church in the area willing to do pre canna classes with you locally that is more "progressive". We have a few parishes around here that have a reputation as "this is where you send someone who is more non-traditional" and they've had no issues. Check Mass Times .org - there's got to be a "megaplex" Catholic church (your best chance) in the area somewhere!!
We ran into a lot of issues when we tried to do pre-cana outside of the diocese where we lived, despite my FI belonging to a church in the other diocese. Ask these questions up front to make sure you don't run into issues down the road. Good luck!