Catering Mother in law vs. Restaurant

mrsscott2015

Hello all i am so frustrated about how the catering should be done for my wedding coming up in February.......my mother in law offered to cook for the wedding for 150 attendants...i feel that she is taking on more than she can handle......she states she wants to so we can save on cost....but i feel it would give me my fiance a headache b/c him and her seem to bump heads a lot and argue...I have tried to talk to my fiance about it but he seems to not want to hear it....I have found a quote for bbq restaurant that will do all the cating for a little under $2000.........Please help 

msuprincess04

Why doesn't he want to hear it? It's perfectly reasonable to say "I want your mother to enjoy this day and not have to worry, stress, or work. Let the caterers handle it. I want her just to have a great time!" If it's money he's worried about, then why not try to tell hiim that "After buying groceries, serving dishes, serving utensils, burners, and hiring set-up and tear down, it's cheaper to go with the caterer anyway."

southernbelle0915

mrsscott2015 said:

Hello all i am so frustrated about how the catering should be done for my wedding coming up in February.......my mother in law offered to cook for the wedding for 150 attendants...i feel that she is taking on more than she can handle......she states she wants to so we can save on cost....but i feel it would give me my fiance a headache b/c him and her seem to bump heads a lot and argue...I have tried to talk to my fiance about it but he seems to not want to hear it....I have found a quote for bbq restaurant that will do all the cating for a little under $2000.........Please help 

Do not let her do this. Thank her for offering and politely decline. Cooking for 150 people takes more than one person, professional equipment and tons of time and energy. Even if she could cook everything by herself, there's keeping the food hot/cold enough to meet food safety regulations, serving people, replenishing, cleaning up, etc. Just no. 

Especially if she and your FI argue a lot. Catering is arguably the biggest cost and most important piece of the wedding (outside the marriage license). This makes zero sense. You already know this is a red flag. Don't do it.

climbingsingle

Do not let her cook for 150 people! That is bananas. Decline her offer, hire that caterer you found and pay them. The end. 

Maggie0829

mrsscott2015 said:

Hello all i am so frustrated about how the catering should be done for my wedding coming up in February.......my mother in law offered to cook for the wedding for 150 attendants...i feel that she is taking on more than she can handle......she states she wants to so we can save on cost....but i feel it would give me my fiance a headache b/c him and her seem to bump heads a lot and argue...I have tried to talk to my fiance about it but he seems to not want to hear it....I have found a quote for bbq restaurant that will do all the cating for a little under $2000.........Please help 

Is your FMIL a professional caterer?  Has she ever catered an event for 150 guests before? Does she have the necessary space and equipment to cater such an affair?  Who is going to do the set-up and upkeep and serving and clean up of the food at your wedding?

As for your FI, he needs to start caring and listening to what you have to say.  Is he in agreement with his Mom?  Does he think it is a good idea that she cater your wedding?  You both need to be on the same page and he needs to be involved because this issue regards his own Mother.

Personally, I think having your FMIL cater your wedding, even if she is a professional, is crazy.  She should be able to enjoy herself and she won't if she is busy cooking and setting up.  I think that you need to talk to your FI and then you and he need to talk to his Mother and tell her that even though you appreciate her offer you would just rather go with a restaurant or caterer.  Also, I really don't see how self-catering can be that less expensive especially when you have to buy or rent a crap ton of equipment and food.

CTYankeeBride

Along with good points made by pp's, I'll add that your venue might not even allow a non-licensed caterer, for insurance reasons.  No matter how small of a chance it might be, there is a chance that someone could become sick and want to sue. If your FMIL is a licensed caterer and wants to delegate this to her staff that might work so long as she is going to delegate this entirely to the staff.  

Jessica2426

If she can do it, why not let her?? If u dont think she can then thats a different story. My fh's friend is catering our wedding. (With help of course) but he doesnt have industrial ovens or anything. Theres a lot of small bakeries and small caterers that just use their home kitchen. (Where I am from anyways!!) I know fh's friend looked up what he needed to get started, an industrial oven is not a requirement. And small caterer is that small... I believe it was 120 or less, so your wedding wouldnt fit. So hope your fmil has a lot of help!

[Deleted User]

It seems like a good idea to her now until she realizes how big of a task it's going to be. I have a friend who is an executive chef that has offered to cater our wedding and his cut off is 125 and that's with all the equipment to make it easier on him. I would decline personally. What are your rehearsal dinner plans? We're having a late summer wedding and are having BBQ and whatnot supplied by FI's grandfather. Maybe tell her she could cater the rehearsal dinner if she's dead set on helping out.

atlastmrsg

Get the BBQ for a variety of reasons, beginning with:

1) She's in the bridal party.  She should be able to enjoy the day, not be part of the event staff.

2) So you can be frank about the menu, etc. and have what you want, not what she wants to prepare.

3) So you have contracts and requirements.  Food has to be in such quantity, delivered at such time, set up in such way....  If she cooks it, is she also providing wait staff?  Clean up staff?  These are things caterers provide with the service.

4) So you have recourse if something goes wrong.  What, you're going to call the BBB on your MIL?  Not.

5) So your guests are safe.  While your MIL may be a great cook at home, she may not have the facilities to properly heat/cool food for 150 people.  Restaurants (while they don't always) have sanitation and health department regulations to follow.  This keeps people safe from foodborne illness.

6) So your venue lets you come.  For liability and sanitation reasons, not all venues let you do it yourself.  That's why they require licensed caterers, bartenders, etc.  To keep food/alcohol properly prepared and served appropriately.

and bonus points...because BBQ is awesome.    I had a BBQ for my rehearsal dinner.  It was very popular, and I LOVE BBQ.  Love.  

southernbelle0915

Jessica2426 said:

If she can do it, why not let her?? If u dont think she can then thats a different story. My fh's friend is catering our wedding. (With help of course) but he doesnt have industrial ovens or anything. Theres a lot of small bakeries and small caterers that just use their home kitchen. (Where I am from anyways!!) I know fh's friend looked up what he needed to get started, an industrial oven is not a requirement. And small caterer is that small... I believe it was 120 or less, so your wedding wouldnt fit. So hope your fmil has a lot of help!

This is totally dependent on what's being served. 

And I just want to clarify that you're suggesting the Mother of the Groom cater a wedding for 150 people... I wonder if she would even have time to attend the ceremony and watch her son get married...

Maggie0829

Jessica2426 said:

If she can do it, why not let her?? If u dont think she can then thats a different story. My fh's friend is catering our wedding. (With help of course) but he doesnt have industrial ovens or anything. Theres a lot of small bakeries and small caterers that just use their home kitchen. (Where I am from anyways!!) I know fh's friend looked up what he needed to get started, an industrial oven is not a requirement. And small caterer is that small... I believe it was 120 or less, so your wedding wouldnt fit. So hope your fmil has a lot of help!

Yes, there are, but the difference between those small bakeries and caterers vs the average person is that they have experience and the equipment (chaffing dishes, enough pots and pans to cook large amounts of food, a knowledge of how to cook large amounts of food, knowledge on how to store said food appropriately, knowledge on how to handle food appropriately, etc).  They also have a business license and the appropriate insurance to be able to cater affairs in venues.  A random, every day, non-professional person does not have all of that so they should not even think about catering such a large affair.

jnrsgirl

To put it into perspective, think about how many hours you spend at Christmas and Thanksgiving slaving away in the kitchen just to feed maybe 20 people or so. Now multiply that time by 8... (And typically at holidays all the families contribute to making the dinner.)

It is an absolute logistical nightmare to attempt to cook a wedding dinner for 150 people as just one person! Save the headache (and possibly stomach ache with food poisoning being a major likelihood) and just pay a properly staffed caterer to do the job.

[Deleted User]

Another vote for going with professional company so your MIL can enjoy the day. If she insists on wanting to help maybe instead of doing the whole meal she can make some sort of dessert item like cookies that she can make a few days in advance. That would allow her to help out with the budget & add something to your menu while still relaxing and enjoying your wedding.

MGP

My daughter won't be getting married for another 20+ years but I am already excited when the day comes.  You know what I am most excited about?  Not working.

Do.  Not.  Let.  Parents.  Work.  At.  Your.  Wedding.  Ever.

Jessica2426

my oldest daughter is 19 and if she needed help to cook food for her reception guess what, iI would be 1st in line to help. no questions asked. same for my stepson who is 20.

mrsmagicgeek

Jessica2426 said:

my oldest daughter is 19 and if she needed help to cook food for her reception guess what, iI would be 1st in line to help. no questions asked. same for my stepson who is 20.

I would be first in line to help her find a good caterer.

Jessica2426

if she doesnt want a caterer iI would be 1st in line to help her cook food. iI am not going to not let her have the wedding she wants. she has awhile though... so iI am good for now.

mrscomposer

I'm all for helping your daughter cook food for her wedding - if it's all stuff that can be prepared in the days ahead of time and served cold/served by someone else.

I think about asking my own mother (or FI's mother) to cater a meal for 150 people and I CRINGE.  How embarrassing to think that I feel their time would be better suited cooking than enjoying the wedding of their children.  If either of them offered, they would be shot down immediately (politely, of course). 

The wedding I want is for my mother and FMIL to enjoy thoroughly, not to be working at.  My FILs are actually making our dessert (tarts, ahead of time and frozen until the wedding).  We were talking about logistics, and MIL requested making sure that the catering staff would take care of actually putting the tarts out and replenishing them, as she "didn't want to spend the night in the kitchen".  I think I surprised her with how quickly (and loudly) I said "OBVIOUSLY!"

chibiyui

Jessica2426 said:

my oldest daughter is 19 and if she needed help to cook food for her reception guess what, iI would be 1st in line to help. no questions asked. same for my stepson who is 20.

Look. HELP is something like my mom baking a couple dozen cookies for the cookie bar we had at our wedding. My mom is used to baking cookies en masse, she has specific recipes she uses, she already knows what she's doing. 

Providing an entire meal and sides for 150 people isn't "help" it's a fucking business. If you haven't done it before, your childs wedding isn't the time to try it out.

Jessica2426

Well we always cook for lots of people. I mean my daughters graduation party had over 200 people. I didnt say she was getting married tomorrow. Just saying of she asked I would help. No need to jump down my throat.

mrsscott2015

Thanks for all the help I talked it over with my fiance and it seems like this is something his mother has a passion for and wants to do when she retires in a few years......-_-.....im still a little annoyed still.....she is suppose to cook for the engagement party in a few weeks hopefully this puts things into perspective and he will see 

MGP

jsangel1018 said:

How embarrassing to think that I feel their time would be better suited cooking than enjoying the wedding of their children

Love this comment. This is the exact perspective people need to have when accepting or asking for help for a wedding.  From anyone.

Fill in the blanks:

"Is it appropriate for me to think that (insert name here)'s time would be better suited (insert task here) than enjoying my wedding?"

Esther Morales

Usually a restaurant will let you bring one or two of your own dishes.  And they usually serve it for you.  Ask them if they would allow a dish or two and your MIL would be happy with that and you can have some piece of mind.  If she bakes, allow her to bake your wedding cake (order a small groom's cake as well) and that would also solve the problem.  Your BBQ budget sounds fabulous, so I would definitely go for that.  Good luck.

Viczaesar

Esther Morales said:

Usually a restaurant will let you bring one or two of your own dishes.  And they usually serve it for you.  Ask them if they would allow a dish or two and your MIL would be happy with that and you can have some piece of mind.  If she bakes, allow her to bake your wedding cake (order a small groom's cake as well) and that would also solve the problem.  Your BBQ budget sounds fabulous, so I would definitely go for that.  Good luck.

Uh no, that most certainly is not typically true of restaurants.

southernbelle0915

Esther Morales said:

Usually a restaurant will let you bring one or two of your own dishes.  And they usually serve it for you.  Ask them if they would allow a dish or two and your MIL would be happy with that and you can have some piece of mind.  If she bakes, allow her to bake your wedding cake (order a small groom's cake as well) and that would also solve the problem.  Your BBQ budget sounds fabulous, so I would definitely go for that.  Good luck.

This is most definitely not true.

plainjane0415

southernbelle0915 said:

Esther Morales said:

Usually a restaurant will let you bring one or two of your own dishes.  And they usually serve it for you.  Ask them if they would allow a dish or two and your MIL would be happy with that and you can have some piece of mind.  If she bakes, allow her to bake your wedding cake (order a small groom's cake as well) and that would also solve the problem.  Your BBQ budget sounds fabulous, so I would definitely go for that.  Good luck.

This is most definitely not true.

They MIGHT cook a dish for you if you have a special request, and that is a very big MIGHT.  But bringing in your own dish? Nope.

MGP

Esther Morales said:

Usually a restaurant will let you bring one or two of your own dishes.  And they usually serve it for you.  Ask them if they would allow a dish or two and your MIL would be happy with that and you can have some piece of mind.  If she bakes, allow her to bake your wedding cake (order a small groom's cake as well) and that would also solve the problem.  Your BBQ budget sounds fabulous, so I would definitely go for that.  Good luck.

Do you live in a state with no Health Department?  This is so not true and a serious liability if they did, especially if it was home cooked food.  If anything a restaurant or venue MAY let you bring in a cake for an event like a shower or birthday party, but that's it.

slothiegal

Esther Morales said:

Usually a restaurant will let you bring one or two of your own dishes.  And they usually serve it for you.  Ask them if they would allow a dish or two and your MIL would be happy with that and you can have some piece of mind.  If she bakes, allow her to bake your wedding cake (order a small groom's cake as well) and that would also solve the problem.  Your BBQ budget sounds fabulous, so I would definitely go for that.  Good luck.

Where the fuck are these restaurants?  

JCbride2015

OP, please convince your Fi that the BBQ is worth it!  It's so sweet that your FMIL wants to help.  But this will probably be a bigger burden on her than either of them realize.  Hopefully they'll figure this out at the e-party and you won't have to lobby too hard.

beethery

The only time I have ever seen a restaurant allow outside food in is when I was a toddler and wouldn't eat the food at the chinese restaurant. My family knew the owners of the restaurant, and I was allowed to bring my happy meals in.

[Deleted User]

beethery said:

The only time I have ever seen a restaurant allow outside food in is when I was a toddler and wouldn't eat the food at the chinese restaurant. My family knew the owners of the restaurant, and I was allowed to bring my happy meals in.

Well, and we've brought homemade cookies and grocery store cupcakes into the bar when celebrating birthdays.  But we're locals at this bar, and the waiters and bartenders like chocolate chip cookies.