Declining friend's wedding to go to another's engagement party? (Update in the comments)

kat1114

Friend A is getting married the same night as Friend B is having her engagement party, and I'm torn about what to do.

I've known about Friend A's wedding for a while, since she asked if I was okay with her having her wedding the weekend after mine. But, I never got a save the date (I know she sent them), and just got my invite yesterday. It's at a "resort" (it's technically just a timeshare property) on the outskirts of town. It's over 15 miles to the next closest hotel, and it appears they are having an hour unhosted gap. There is no restaurant or bar on the property, so we'd have to leave for an hour then come back. I wouldn't be surprised if it is also a cash bar. She is attending my wedding, so I feel obligated to go to hers. We don't really talk that much anymore, and I mainly invited her to ours because I felt obligated (I know, awful reason). 

Friend B and I are much closer (she is a bridesmaid in my wedding and is hosting my bridal shower). I know an engagement party is not nearly as significant as a wedding, but I would honestly probably enjoy Friend B's party more. I also got her invite first, if that makes a difference.

Is it awful to decline Friend A's wedding, or do I just need to suck it up and go?

AprilH81

My gut reaction was to go to the wedding, but after reading more I'm torn.  

I would probably go to the engagement party since you got that invitation first AND you are closer to her.  Throw in the gap and I would not go to the wedding.

The only thing that would  change my mind is if you had RSVP'd yes to the wedding already.

AddieCake

I agree with Scribe. If you committed, then go to the wedding. If not, go to the event you'd rather go to for the person with whom you are closer. 

kmmssg

If you haven't sent an RSVP back I think you can go to the E party.  One is for your BM and very close friend, the other sounds like an obligatory invitation to your wedding.  I think you can choose which one you want to go to as long as you haven't sent in an RSVP.

If my acquaintance, Bertha Mae, tells me she is inviting me to her wedding and I tell her I am excited to see her  BUT...then one of my grandkids sports teams makes it to regionals or state finals, Nana will be at the game as long as the RSVP hasn't been sent in. (and if Nana knew there was a chance at the finals, Nana would be a send the RSVP at the last day kind of guest).

Jen4948

If you haven't RSVPd yet, then I think you can accept the engagement party invitation and decline the wedding invitation, especially since you got the engagement party invitation first.

But if you've already RSVPd for the wedding but not the engagement party invitation, then you'll need to go to the wedding instead.  Remember to take cash and make plans for the gap (I agree that both are rude).

Edited to add: Would the gap allow you to put in an appearance at the engagement party?

STARMOON44

Friend B will understand if you pick a wedding over an engagement party. Friend A sounds like she will be insulted. You can pick whichever you'd like, but if you want to keep up a friendly relationship with Friend A I think you need to pick her.

NYCMercedes

How far away is the wedding from where you live? Can you attend just the ceremony? Do you think you were B-listed? Frequently only VIPs receive STDs.

Jessie42613

You're closer to Friend B and would enjoy her party more.

Assuming you haven't already RSVP'd yes to the wedding, this is a no-brainer to me.  Send a card (and if it were me, I'd send a check in that card, though of course you're not obligated) to Friend A, and enjoy the engagement party.

MNVegas

If you are closer to friend B and would prefer to go to the E party then go as long as you did not RSVP to friend A's wedding. A wedding invitation isn't a summons and you should be able to pick the event you want to go to without feeling guilty. 

huskypuppy14

When is the wedding/engagement party?  Have your RSVP'd to the wedding yet?

Not everyone needs to get a STD, so there was nothing wrong there.

My friend (who I went to her wedding) didn't come to my wedding because she closed on her house the day before, and was moving the weekend of my wedding. I understood, though another mutual friend thought it was a lame excuse.

An invitation isn't a summons though. It doesn't sound like you want to go, and no one needs to give a reason why they aren't attending a wedding.

Is there any way you could do both. Go to the wedding ceremony (you know the important part) and then go to the engagement party. That's probably what I would do if the timing worked.

holyguacamole79

kat1114 said:

Friend A is getting married the same night as Friend B is having her engagement party, and I'm torn about what to do.

I've known about Friend A's wedding for a while, since she asked if I was okay with her having her wedding the weekend after mine. But, I never got a save the date (I know she sent them), and just got my invite yesterday. It's at a "resort" (it's technically just a timeshare property) on the outskirts of town. It's over 15 miles to the next closest hotel, and it appears they are having an hour unhosted gap. There is no restaurant or bar on the property, so we'd have to leave for an hour then come back. I wouldn't be surprised if it is also a cash bar. She is attending my wedding, so I feel obligated to go to hers. We don't really talk that much anymore, and I mainly invited her to ours because I felt obligated (I know, awful reason). 

Friend B and I are much closer (she is a bridesmaid in my wedding and is hosting my bridal shower). I know an engagement party is not nearly as significant as a wedding, but I would honestly probably enjoy Friend B's party more. I also got her invite first, if that makes a difference.

Is it awful to decline Friend A's wedding, or do I just need to suck it up and go?

Agree with PPs. If you have indicated that you'd attend the wedding, you should keep that commitment.

JaxInBlue

NYCMercedes said:

How far away is the wedding from where you live? Can you attend just the ceremony? Do you think you were B-listed? Frequently only VIPs receive STDs.

These.  Could you swing attending Friend A's ceremony and then arriving a little late for Friend B's party?  That seems like a way to spend a little time with both.

However, I agree with PPs, if you've already returned your RSVP indicating you will attend, you should go to the wedding and reception in full. If you do that, I'm sure you could celebrate B's engagement with her/them at a later time.  (Since the engagement is more ongoing in a sense.)

kat1114

Thanks everyone! I haven't RSVP'd for the wedding yet since I just got it yesterday. We've also never discussed me attending her wedding (i.e., I never said "Oh, I can't wait to attend!"). Both events are November 8. The ceremony is 3:30-4 and the reception 5-10. Hypothetically, I could do both. The events are about 30 minutes from each other. I'm sure if I was 30-45 minutes late to the engagement party, it would be okay. Maybe I will do that. Thank you all for the input!!!

JoanE2012

I like the idea of attending the ceremony (it's technically the most important part!) and then going to the engagement party.  It makes it easy to avoid hurt feelings too.

indianaalum

Honestly? I would still go to the wedding if you plan on keeping the friendship and feel it is worthwhile to attend. My general rule of thumb is this: How would I feel if someone ELSE did the same thing to ME? If it would hurt my feelings, I probably wouldn't want to do it to someone else..but that is just me.

 Engagement parties aren't that big of a deal, IMO. If you are ASKING this question, my guess is the person is someone you could care less about otherwise this would be a no brainer about attending the wedding, therefore perhaps the engagement party is the way to go for YOUR situation.

Hope that part made sense LOL

huskypuppy14

indianaalum said:

Honestly? I would still go to the wedding if you plan on keeping the friendship and feel it is worthwhile to attend. My general rule of thumb is this: How would I feel if someone ELSE did the same thing to ME? If it would hurt my feelings, I probably wouldn't want to do it to someone else..but that is just me.

 Engagement parties aren't that big of a deal, IMO. If you are ASKING this question, my guess is the person is someone you could care less about otherwise this would be a no brainer about attending the wedding, therefore perhaps the engagement party is the way to go for YOUR situation.

Hope that part made sense LOL

It would hurt your feelings that someone didn't come to your wedding because they had other plans?  I wouldn't want to be friends with someone if they would end our friendship because I didn't go to their wedding. That is SS bullshit right there.

 I only get upset if someone said they would come and then changed their mind because something better came up. The OP didn't get a STD and she said she was invited to the engagement party before she received the wedding invitation.

The engagement party is for someone who is her bridesmaid. The OP said she is going to try to go the wedding ceremony and skip the reception to go to the E party. 

Seriously people, your wedding is not the most important thing in most of your friends lives.

indianaalum

huskypuppy14 said:

indianaalum said:

Honestly? I would still go to the wedding if you plan on keeping the friendship and feel it is worthwhile to attend. My general rule of thumb is this: How would I feel if someone ELSE did the same thing to ME? If it would hurt my feelings, I probably wouldn't want to do it to someone else..but that is just me.

 Engagement parties aren't that big of a deal, IMO. If you are ASKING this question, my guess is the person is someone you could care less about otherwise this would be a no brainer about attending the wedding, therefore perhaps the engagement party is the way to go for YOUR situation.

Hope that part made sense LOL

It would hurt your feelings that someone didn't come to your wedding because they had other plans?  I wouldn't want to be friends with someone if they would end our friendship because I didn't go to their wedding. That is SS bullshit right there.

 I only get upset if someone said they would come and then changed their mind because something better came up. The OP didn't get a STD and she said she was invited to the engagement party before she received the wedding invitation.

The engagement party is for someone who is her bridesmaid. The OP said she is going to try to go the wedding ceremony and skip the reception to go to the E party. 

Seriously people, your wedding is not the most important thing in most of your friends lives.

I wrote IF it would hurt my feelings , i wouldn't do it someone else. It is all about the context. Read my post closer.

For example, your best friend in the entire world skipping your wedding to go to an engagement party== HELL YEAH, I'd be hurt. Who wouldn't be?  Engagement parties on the spectrum of "parties" rank WAY less than a wedding, IMO.

Random cousin I barely know skipping my wedding for an engagement party of their best friend= NO, I wouldnt care and truth be told, I probably would have no idea why then skipped my wedding therefore it wouldn't bother me at all.

(on a side note, It's about "context" for sure. My good friend missed my wedding for her brother's wedding, CLEARLY I understood that and there was zero hard feelings....It all depends on the situation, of course. 

====

OP. Just out of curiousity, how far in advance did you get each invitation?  Did you get wedding invitation in the "expected' time range ahead of time? Was engagmenet invitation just sent out way early, or did wedding invitation come in late as a "b-list" kinda date?!?

kat1114

indianaalum said:

huskypuppy14 said:

indianaalum said:

Honestly? I would still go to the wedding if you plan on keeping the friendship and feel it is worthwhile to attend. My general rule of thumb is this: How would I feel if someone ELSE did the same thing to ME? If it would hurt my feelings, I probably wouldn't want to do it to someone else..but that is just me.

 Engagement parties aren't that big of a deal, IMO. If you are ASKING this question, my guess is the person is someone you could care less about otherwise this would be a no brainer about attending the wedding, therefore perhaps the engagement party is the way to go for YOUR situation.

Hope that part made sense LOL

It would hurt your feelings that someone didn't come to your wedding because they had other plans?  I wouldn't want to be friends with someone if they would end our friendship because I didn't go to their wedding. That is SS bullshit right there.

 I only get upset if someone said they would come and then changed their mind because something better came up. The OP didn't get a STD and she said she was invited to the engagement party before she received the wedding invitation.

The engagement party is for someone who is her bridesmaid. The OP said she is going to try to go the wedding ceremony and skip the reception to go to the E party. 

Seriously people, your wedding is not the most important thing in most of your friends lives.

I wrote IF it would hurt my feelings , i wouldn't do it someone else. It is all about the context. Read my post closer.

For example, your best friend in the entire world skipping your wedding to go to an engagement party== HELL YEAH, I'd be hurt. Who wouldn't be?  Engagement parties on the spectrum of "parties" rank WAY less than a wedding, IMO.

Random cousin I barely know skipping my wedding for an engagement party of their best friend= NO, I wouldnt care and truth be told, I probably would have no idea why then skipped my wedding therefore it wouldn't bother me at all.

(on a side note, It's about "context" for sure. My good friend missed my wedding for her brother's wedding, CLEARLY I understood that and there was zero hard feelings....It all depends on the situation, of course. 

====

OP. Just out of curiousity, how far in advance did you get each invitation?  Did you get wedding invitation in the "expected' time range ahead of time? Was engagmenet invitation just sent out way early, or did wedding invitation come in late as a "b-list" kinda date?!?

I got the engagement invite about 7 weeks from the day of the party. The wedding invite was received exactly 6 weeks out. The RSVP date seems kind of early though-almost 4 weeks out, so maybe they are b-listing others?

BMoreBride6

indianaalum said:

huskypuppy14 said:

indianaalum said:

Honestly? I would still go to the wedding if you plan on keeping the friendship and feel it is worthwhile to attend. My general rule of thumb is this: How would I feel if someone ELSE did the same thing to ME? If it would hurt my feelings, I probably wouldn't want to do it to someone else..but that is just me.

 Engagement parties aren't that big of a deal, IMO. If you are ASKING this question, my guess is the person is someone you could care less about otherwise this would be a no brainer about attending the wedding, therefore perhaps the engagement party is the way to go for YOUR situation.

Hope that part made sense LOL

It would hurt your feelings that someone didn't come to your wedding because they had other plans?  I wouldn't want to be friends with someone if they would end our friendship because I didn't go to their wedding. That is SS bullshit right there.

 I only get upset if someone said they would come and then changed their mind because something better came up. The OP didn't get a STD and she said she was invited to the engagement party before she received the wedding invitation.

The engagement party is for someone who is her bridesmaid. The OP said she is going to try to go the wedding ceremony and skip the reception to go to the E party. 

Seriously people, your wedding is not the most important thing in most of your friends lives.

I wrote IF it would hurt my feelings , i wouldn't do it someone else. It is all about the context. Read my post closer.

For example, your best friend in the entire world skipping your wedding to go to an engagement party== HELL YEAH, I'd be hurt. Who wouldn't be?  Engagement parties on the spectrum of "parties" rank WAY less than a wedding, IMO.

Random cousin I barely know skipping my wedding for an engagement party of their best friend= NO, I wouldnt care and truth be told, I probably would have no idea why then skipped my wedding therefore it wouldn't bother me at all.

(on a side note, It's about "context" for sure. My good friend missed my wedding for her brother's wedding, CLEARLY I understood that and there was zero hard feelings....It all depends on the situation, of course. 

====

OP. Just out of curiousity, how far in advance did you get each invitation?  Did you get wedding invitation in the "expected' time range ahead of time? Was engagmenet invitation just sent out way early, or did wedding invitation come in late as a "b-list" kinda date?!?

SITB

I believe she said she just received the wedding invite in the past day or so for a November 8th wedding.  This does not constitute B List territory to me. 

LabLove86

I would personally probably go to the E-party.

Although I do like the idea of trying to go to both - if it's feasible I would do that.

thesummersky

Jessie42613 said:

You're closer to Friend B and would enjoy her party more.

Assuming you haven't already RSVP'd yes to the wedding, this is a no-brainer to me.  Send a card (and if it were me, I'd send a check in that card, though of course you're not obligated) to Friend A, and enjoy the engagement party.

I second this.

KPBM89

I agree with JoanE about possibly going to the ceremony of A and then the E party of B if it isn't a hassle for you.  The ceremony is for the couple and the reception is for the guests, so you'd still be supporting friend A's marriage by attending the ceremony.

If I were choosing only one to go to, I would probably choose B.

Maggie0829

Add me to the list of people who think you should try to go to both if you can make it work.

But I do agree with @indianaalum that if really comes down to the context.  If I had a best friend who decided to skip my wedding to go to an engagement party I would be really hurt because wedding trumps engagement party, but if it were an acquaintance who I really only invited out of obligation then I wouldn't be too bothered by their lack of attendance.

Honestly, OP, if you don't want to go then don't go.  You don't have to give the bride a reason for your lack of attendance because you don't need a reason to decline an invite other then that you just don't want to go.

badbnagdway

Generally wedding trumps e party. I honestly don't care who comes to my e party, although I didn't especially want one in the first place, but I threw one for a friend recently and she insisted on returning the favor. Only in town friends are invited and if they don't come for any reason under the sun, including literally just feeling too lazy to get out of bed on Saturday, I would not care or be offended. I would feel totally different regarding my wedding. If these same friends didn't show up at our (in town) wedding I would be sad if I found out they prioritized someone's engagement or other party over our wedding. That said if you aren't that close to the couple getting married that weekend and it's fine to skip it, it's just all really relative based on the relationship. I do like the idea of trying to do both, although that might be tricky. I will say a couple years ago I was invited to a cousin's wedding and didn't receive the invite for the OOT event until 4 weeks before. They sent out save the dates but not to everyone, allegedly a bunch of them were not sent for some reason that was never clear. I never knew the date until I got the invite, at which point air fair was too pricey and I didn't really feel like shelling out $800 in travel expenses for someone who had seemingly b-listed me. It did put a bad taste in my mouth that I felt b-listed. It's not clear that's what's happening here, they may not have done STDs, and technically 6 weeks before a wedding is within etiquette, I think a lot of us are just used to getting invitations a lot earlier. EDIT: tk ate my paragraphs

laceykeo

"A, I'm excited to say I'll be attending your wedding, but unfortunately I have a prior commitment (you can say B's E-party or not, your call) on that same day, so I'll only be able to come to the ceremony, and not the reception".

"B, I'm really looking forward to seeing you at your E-party. Unfortunately A's wedding is that same day so Ima call through for her ceremony first. I should be with you within an hour of things starting".

Definitely, if you can do ceremony/E-party, I think that sounds like the best way around.

miniac

suck it up and go to the wedding. Friend B will have a wedding too that you will attend. weddings are way more important than engagement parties, which are optional

Nymeru

wrongsideoftheocean said:

"A, I'm excited to say I'll be attending your wedding, but unfortunately I have a prior commitment (you can say B's E-party or not, your call) on that same day, so I'll only be able to come to the ceremony, and not the reception". "B, I'm really looking forward to seeing you at your E-party. Unfortunately A's wedding is that same day so Ima call through for her ceremony first. I should be with you within an hour of things starting". Definitely, if you can do ceremony/E-party, I think that sounds like the best way around.

I'd definitely do A here.  I think it's only fair to be honest about not making it to the reception.  Why make the bride pay for you if you won't be joining them for dinner?  This way you've pleased A by going to her ceremony, pleased B (and yourself) by going to a party you'll enjoy, and been a nice person for being considerate all-round.

kat1114

So I ended up RSVPing for Friend A's ceremony only so that we can make the engagement party. On our RSVP I wrote "I'm super sorry we can only attend the ceremony, but I can't wait to see you guys say 'I do!" 

Friend A came to our ceremony this past weekend, and blew off the reception. I would be totally cool with that, except she didn't bother to tell us beforehand, so I still had to pay for her and her FI's bar, food, etc. Also, my husband said he tried to talk to them before the ceremony and they were super rude and standoffish. 

At this point, I don't even want to go to her ceremony, but I know my judgment is clouded, and I could use the advice of impartial people. Would you still go to her ceremony? 

Maggie0829

kat1114 said:

So I ended up RSVPing for Friend A's ceremony only so that we can make the engagement party. On our RSVP I wrote "I'm super sorry we can only attend the ceremony, but I can't wait to see you guys say 'I do!" 

Friend A came to our ceremony this past weekend, and blew off the reception. I would be totally cool with that, except she didn't bother to tell us beforehand, so I still had to pay for her and her FI's bar, food, etc. Also, my husband said he tried to talk to them before the ceremony and they were super rude and standoffish. 

At this point, I don't even want to go to her ceremony, but I know my judgment is clouded, and I could use the advice of impartial people. Would you still go to her ceremony? 

Yes, because you made a commitment to attending.  Did she act immature in regards to your wedding?  Yes, but two wrongs don't make a right.  Go, congratulate her afterwards and be cordial because that is what adults do.  Especially if they want to maintain any type of friendship in the future.

climbingsingle

So, you told her you'd only be able to attend her ceremony. She had already RSVP'd to your wedding, and then left right after the ceremony? 

kat1114

ClimbingBrideNY said:

So, you told her you'd only be able to attend her ceremony. She had already RSVP'd to your wedding, and then left right after the ceremony? 

Right. I can understand her not wanting to come to the reception, but it sucks that we paid for her and her FI to come and they didn't show.