Moms and Maids

FMIL is being very pushy.

She's annoyed that I didn't allow her to go dress shopping with me (It was a logistical thing, and a rush because a dress I wanted to see was being discontinued). Also, my mother couldn't be there. I certainly wasn't taking FMIL without my mother. Now I won't let her see the dress and she's annoyed.

She is getting her hair and makeup done with the artist I've hired for the wedding day (Her choice, I did not insist at all - my mother is not using the services).  I told her that she and the best woman need to go first so they can leave the suite so I can get ready.  She's annoyed.

I'm not backing down on this.  I don't think I'm being terrible, but clearly she's not happy.  We are not doing a first look, so FI will see me in my dress when I walk down the aisle, so can she!

Re: FMIL is being very pushy.

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    She's annoyed that I didn't allow her to go dress shopping with me (It was a logistical thing, and a rush because a dress I wanted to see was being discontinued). Also, my mother couldn't be there. I certainly wasn't taking FMIL without my mother. Now I won't let her see the dress and she's annoyed.

    She is getting her hair and makeup done with the artist I've hired for the wedding day (Her choice, I did not insist at all - my mother is not using the services).  I told her that she and the best woman need to go first so they can leave the suite so I can get ready.  She's annoyed.

    I'm not backing down on this.  I don't think I'm being terrible, but clearly she's not happy.  We are not doing a first look, so FI will see me in my dress when I walk down the aisle, so can she!
    Let her be annoyed.  Don't change any of your plans.  She sounds like a pain in the ass to me and likes to be annoyed by things.  If she complains again just bean dip her...
    FMIL:  I am annoyed that I have to go first for hair
    You:  Oh, well have you tried this fabulous bean dip?
    FMIL:  I am annoyed that you won't let me see your dress.
    You:  This is really scrumptious bean dip, you should try it!

    Repeat as needed.

    [Deleted User]OliveOilsMomaleighbaker
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    Your fmil is being rude. Have the stylist call her to confirm her appointment time, so she doesn't show up late and mess up the schedule. If she doesn't like the arrangements, she can book an appointment with another stylist.

                       
    [Deleted User]
  • scribe95 said:
    Sounds like she just wants to be part of your day and be close to you. I guess I don't understand the response to that. Most people would like a FMIL to show an interest. Why are you so opposed to her participating in these ways?
    This. It sounds like she's expressing it in an annoying way, but I think she just wants to show interest/bond with you and you're shutting it down. 

    I do not think you need to compromise on anything you've said here, though. If you don't want to show her the dress, don't show her. If she needs to get make up done first, well then that's her appt time. 

    But I do think for the sake of your relationship with her, you may want to include her on a couple things. Why don't you ask her what color/kind of flowers she wants in her corsage? Or ask her how she plans to get her make up/hair done - maybe show her inspiration photos of your look if you feel like it. Or ask her out to lunch. Look, the wedding is one day. Your relationship with her is forever. I'm not saying you have to involve her in anything at all (you don't). But you could throw her a bone for the sake of the long term.
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  • Because of the details that I haven't posted (for length reasons), that's why. 

    We have a good relationship. In many ways I have a better relationship with her than FI does.  I'm glad she's interested.  But she's pushy and overbearing and I know I won't be able to handle her in the room while I'm getting ready.  I don't want her all up in my stuff commenting on EVERYTHING (which is what she does). Like much of the advice posted on these boards, I don't tell her all the details because she will have something to say about every one of them.  She came to our tasting with us. She knows details after we decide them.

    I'm having a small bridal party for a reason. I don't need or want her there while I'm getting ready. Its not about our "forever" relationship....she will see me that morning and again when I walk down the aisle.  I think I'm being reasonable here.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Because of the details that I haven't posted (for length reasons), that's why. 

    We have a good relationship. In many ways I have a better relationship with her than FI does.  I'm glad she's interested.  But she's pushy and overbearing and I know I won't be able to handle her in the room while I'm getting ready.  I don't want her all up in my stuff commenting on EVERYTHING (which is what she does). Like much of the advice posted on these boards, I don't tell her all the details because she will have something to say about every one of them.  She came to our tasting with us. She knows details after we decide them.

    I'm having a small bridal party for a reason. I don't need or want her there while I'm getting ready. Its not about our "forever" relationship....she will see me that morning and again when I walk down the aisle.  I think I'm being reasonable here.
    I think you are as well.  I get where you are coming from.  I have a great relationship with my MIL but the day of my wedding I really didn't want her around the entire time.  I didn't want to be surrounded by a shit ton of people the morning of.  And she is not my mother.  In my eyes the MIL should be with her child.

    My MIL bitched about her appointment time as well.  She said "but I don't want to get my hair and makeup done too early because it could look bad by the time the wedding starts."  Um, so was I supposed to go first just so that she could look super fresh at the wedding?  No.

    I don't agree with the other posters that you need to throw her a bone.  You said that she knows the details of your wedding and that you have a decent relationship.  Not sure what more you can do.  The things she is being annoyed about are her issues to deal with, not yours.

    Also no where in the marriage "contract" does it state that you have to have a relationship with your MIL.  If you want one great, if not then that if is fine.  As long as you are cordial to her when she is around then that is all that matters, but you certainly don't need to be buddy-buddy or go out to lunch together.  I know people will disagree with me, but it is the job of the MIL child to involve their parent, not the future daughter/son in laws job.

    emanon321
  • Thank you, Maggie. I think you hit the nail on the head there -- she's NOT my mother. She can go hang out with her child. I appreciate her and our relationship and how much she loves me, but I want to be with my mother - and I don't get to see my mother very often so that might be the root of my irritation with FMIL's requests.
  • I am going through the EXACT.SAME.THING with my fmil and it is driving me crazy! I feel your pain. Stay strong.
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